Title: Corrosion of minds
Author: Sunday (sun_sunday@yahoo.com)
Archive: non...if ya wanna archive it...give me a shout at sun_sunday@yahoo.com
Category: angst, POV<Duo>, AU
Rating: PG
Warnings: a lot of angst...maybe Shonen-ai...if the 'you' is directed atHeero...but it was ment to be for Shinigami...some of the time... I don't own GW...I wish I did.,..in fac, if I ownde more then a pacet of lint, I would try to buy it...unfortuantely, I am poor...so poor that seuing me would only drain your resources....so don't....the fic is copyright me...the characters are copyright to the Gods of GW...those that created it (all bow before them)
Spoilers: none
Notes: My Muse, fell down and got a booboo...thus he got angry...and then angsty...cause he couldn't find a bandaid. This fic resulted. This chapter has about as much action as a bowl of jello...BUT if you _Like_ Interior Monologue...then go right ahead.

 

 

I sat staring into the fire. A moth flew into the flames…it died. That is what I am…looking for him, searching for an escape…for a plan B. Come now, I am supposed to be a soldier…so why is it that I have no way out?…why is it that I find myself trapped with you. Outside of you, again?

Again.

I nearly joined you…came to taste your oblivion. The battle, heated… deadly…dancing to a tune of death…of screams, of pain. Dancing to your music…your steps.

Again.

I screamed…it sounded like a laugh…I assure you, I was screaming on top of my lungs. I couldn't scream loud enough, to reach that empty spot in my heart. To cleanse all of that air out of my lungs…the air that I shared with the once live. Now It lives in one that is dead. I told you already. I'm in love with you. I love the offers you give…the temptation…the want to be within your embrace for eternity.

To feel that peace you offer. The finality that you wave in front of me…like sweets before a child, I have waited so long, why don't you take me already.

Is there not enough dead?…or do you want me to lay more souls, like flowers, upon the alter of Shinigami. Within the church that is my soul. The emptiness that is my reason.

The was used to be enough. It no longer is.

A door opens…light streams into the room…reminding me of the world that I am constantly neglecting…of everything that I don't want to deal with. I let my gaze fall upon the coals…the dirt…the body of the moth is not distinguishable from the rest of the rubble…I know that feeling. I am a face in a billion…waiting to reach the climax of my life so I can join the dust. I look up at the intruder. Smiling…I can't stop…can you feel the tears behind the smile. Can you see the dullness behind the sparkle of my eyes…the decay beneath the pale skin?…the rot of a mind, beneath silky hair. No. None of you can. Not even you.

"Ohayo Heero!!" I can only force my throat not to constrict.. I bounce up from my chair. The effort to do so, unreal. I can lift a man over my head…but moving, moving has become painful. Laughing, has become a way for me to scream, and smiling, my cry. Boys don't cry…but they can laugh, until tears fall from their face…and that I will do. Even now…when I am sad I will laugh…when in pain…I smile. They look at me as if I'm crazy…I am…I don't act like I should…I don't mind.

"Hn, dinner is ready…"

"Woohooo!!! Foooooood, I can hardly wait…is it pizza?" I put on a mock pout…another mask, and another…do these ever end…where am I in this house of mirrors?…which reflection is ME? "…cause it is Quatre's turn to cook…years of having others cook for you cannot be a good thing…I mean, where is the self reliance…he can hardly crack an egg…mind you, I'm not saying that I'm a gourmet cook myself, but at least my stuff can be placed into one of the four food groups…where does coal go? I don't think that there is a food group like that…too bad, cause then there would be somewhere to put Quatre's cookies…and my casserole, once you think of it…oh ewww…and all of the Oz soldiers too….never mind…that is nasty…hey did ya know what, crematoriums smell like chicken…y'know why…cause…yo Heero are you listening to me?" Yuy, you are very intelligent…you realize that all of this is crap…I no longer even care if you listen…if you shoot me in the head. I no longer give a damn…I wish I did. Really I do. I did once…now I need to keep up the pretence…so you don't see the decay of one that is already dead.

"Shut up, Maxwell."

"No prob."

You wait for me to launch into something…well I don't want to…I'll just say that my throat is sore…that will let me keep my mouth shut for the rest of today….good. You are looking at me…we have walked fifty steps and you are already suspecting something?…wow Yuy, you really are the perfect soldier…you have dissected me into small pieces, and you have already figured me out. Maxwell talks. A lot. If he doesn't he is killing. Then he talks a bit less. If he is not talking at all…check if he is breathing.

But you know something, Heero, you know jack-shit about Maxwell's little demon…and I never plan to tell you, so get annoyed by me for as long as you can. Because sooner or later, it will be over…I may not be physically dead…but the decay is too great…and the disguise too good…too fool proof…you will never see the damage…until it is too late. What…I still haven't said anything…so what…are you disappointed? Don't be ridiculous, it is you that wanted me to shut up.

"Hn."

Very good, Yuy, ignore it and the problem will go away…that or it will grow so large that it will collapse in on itself. Wonderful, you amaze me in your calculations of the human mind.

"…what is wrong, Duo?"

"Nothing…actually…there is a whole bunch…for instance, my shorts, I could not find them this morning…or my socks, for that matter. You know what, I think that Wufei is stealing my underwear. So, at this rate I will have absolutely nothing at all…" in more ways then one. "…depressing, aint it?"

"Aa…now, stop bullshitting, what is wrong?"

I keep staring at him. Death must look completely different then him… I know…opposites attract…sooo…he is always falling to his death… jumping off of high buildings…self destructing…almost succeeding…but then we are all there to make sure that he does not. What about me?… well I press the `self destruct' and nothing happens…that and I have promised never to kill myself cowardly. I am his opposite…eh is the opposite f death…so I must be built in the likely hood of Death. Shabby reasoning.

"Not enough sleep, nightmares…you know…stupid things." I never lie…I don't sleep as much as I would like to…forever…to let my body become like my mind. Nightmares…everything around me is a nightmare…stupid things…everything I do is stupid. I'm a stupid thing…you call me `Baka' so often, I'm on the verge of forgetting my own name. I never lie.

"Take some sleeping pills…"

Oh I tried…but then they pumped my stomach.

"I have tried…it did not work."

"We have a mission…you are to be in top form."

I bush some loose strands of hair from my face. "Don't worry… everything will go perfect." Doesn't it always…no, it never does, perfection doesn't exist. Except in the form of the perfect truth. That is death, isn't it…? The perfect truth…I mean, either you are dead of you aren't, that much is clear…unless you are a virus, but those things are insignificant enough, each of them is an agent of death…so I guess they can be an exception….absolute truth. Perfection. Shinigami. Maybe I should stop calling myself that…I will taint his name, rather, I should be a virus…a dead soul in a living body…yes, maybe that is what I am.

 

Told ya, it would be boring...but did you listen....nooooo.....

Love and stuff,
Sun