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[ Disclaimer: All rights and privileges to Shin Kidousenki Gundam Wing are trademarks and property of Sunrise, Bandai, Sotsu Agency, and associated parties. The characters of these works are used WITHOUT permission for the purpose of entertainment only. This work of fiction is not meant for sale or profit. ]

A GW fan fic: Heero-Cheese, Duo-Monkey, Relena-Rat and Wufei-Dragon

By Stargem

Author's notes: This is all your fault ST! =P Okay, partly mine… ^^;;; This idea came about from chatting on ICQ ^_^; Also from my little book of Chinese horoscopes…

Welcome to OOC-land ^^;;;

Character list:

Heero Yuy - Heero-Cheese the mafia boss (Heero in a cheesy cheese suit)

Relena Darlian Peacecraft - Relena-Rat the obsessive (Relena in a ratty rat suit)

Duo Maxwell - Duo-Monkey the mischievous devil (Duo in a monkey suit)

Chang Wufei - Wufei-Dragon the other mafia boss (Wufei-as-a-dragon)

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Narrator: In the land of Twelve Animals, there once lived a majestically aloof Dragon, a mischievous devil of a Monkey and an obsessive Rat. Their names were, are and will always be Wufei-Dragon, Duo-Monkey and Relena-Rat, because dammit, the narrator says so. Besides, she isn't very creative… *cough* Back to the story.

Relena-Rat had a most acquisitive nature; in addition, her background had bestowed her with wealth, beauty and status. Since she had acquired all that was acquirable, she decided it was time to start a collection of un-acquirables. Her first target was none other than Heero-Cheese, the homicidal mafia boss whose regular activities included shooting irritating people, attempting to catch Duo-Monkey and dealing with fellow mafia boss Wufei-Dragon.

Duo-Monkey's sole purpose in life was to tease and torment Heero-Cheese to distraction while keeping his furry tail out of the range of Heero-Cheese's guns and goonies. He also made a hobby of making faces at Relena-Rat on the side and playing tricks on Wufei-Dragon.

Wufei-Dragon simply looked down on all proceedings, snorted his disdain and continued his mafia-type dealings with Heero-Cheese on the quiet. On occasion, he would also join the hunt for Duo-Monkey when his dignity fell prey to the trickster's jokes.

And with background information out of the way, let us proceed…

***

[ Somewhere… ]

Duo-Monkey: *with much bouncy enthusiasm* I have painted spots on the Tiger, barked fear into the Rabbit, exchanged the Snake's pearls for beads, hidden the Dog's chew-toy, *pause, deep breath* plucked a feather from Rooster's tail, ridden the Boar to the ends of the earth, directed the Sheep into the mud and tied ribbons into the Horse's mane and tail. It is time I visited Heero-Cheese and play my tricks on him.

Narrator: And so Duo-Monkey ran lightly and swiftly through the land of Twelve Animals, laughing and chuckling to himself till he came to the door of Heero-Cheese, the homicidal mafia boss. It was a big door, a strong door and a door with seventy thousand different locks.

"No one shall pass me," it declared silently. At this, the Monkey winked and chuckled, for he had many tricks and was not deterred by any and every lock ever made.

Duo-Monkey: *facing the door* No lock can keep me in nor keep me out. Open, open, and allow the passage of the most wondrous Duo-Monkey!

Narrator: And lo behold! The seventy thousand locks heeded his words and released with seventy thousand different clicks and the door swung open with a sigh. And the Duo-Monkey laughed as he leapt in.

Duo-Monkey: *sweetly* Heero-Cheese, I have come once more to visit - shall we have tea, butter and biscuits?

*BANG!*

Duo-Monkey: Missed again, Heero-Cheese! Why do you always shoot your visitors anyway?

Heero-Cheese: *sullenly* …

Narrator: Ahem. Heero-Cheese, you are supposed to talk back.

Heero-Cheese: *sullenly* …

Narrator: I'll turn you into a real piece of cheese.

Heero-Cheese: *sullenly* …No-we-shall-not, baka-Duo-Monkey.

Narrator: Sheesh. More expression next time, please.

Heero-Cheese: *glare*

Narrator: Aheheh. Moving on…

[ Outside the abode of Heero-Cheese ]

Narrator: Pink limo at twelve o'clock! And out steps none other than…

Relena-Rat: Heee~~~~rrroo~~~~~, 'tis I, Relena-Rat! Let me in!

[ Inside the abode of Heero-Cheese ]

Heero-Cheese: *not-quite-wince*

Duo-Monkey: Oooh, the Rat comes calling, Heero-Cheese! Will you let her in? It looks like rain - better open up quick, before her pretty little rat suit is ruined by rainwater…

Heero-Cheese: …

Duo-Monkey: *lounging on Heero-Cheese's desk* She'll start howling like Dog when he's lost his chew-toy soon if you don't open the door.

[ Outside the abode of Heero-Cheese ]

Relena-Rat: HEEE~~~~RRROO~~~~~!!

Wufei-Dragon: *irately* STOP YELLING, DAMNED ONNA!!

Relena-Rat: Why, how dare you!

Narrator: Scuffle time! Of course, Relena-Rat - being a lady - only slapped the gentlemanly Wufei-Dragon who did nothing at all. His natural armour of dragon scales did everything for him.

Relena-Rat: Owowowowow…

Narrator: And Relena-Rat scurried away to tend to her *cough* wounds, vowing to be back the next day. Or week. Or whenever the bandage could come off her poor ouchie…

[ Inside the abode of Heero-Cheese ]

Duo-Monkey: *laughing* Sounds like she just slapped Wufei-Dragon on his tougher-than-diamonds dragon scales. She won't be doing it again in a hurry! *pokes head out of window* Oi, Wu-chan~~~, come on up and join us!

Heero-Cheese: …

[ Outside the abode of Heero-Cheese ]

Wufei-Dragon: KISAMA!! YOU DAMNED MONKEY!! I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME "-CHAN"!!

Narrator: And the foul-tempered, foul-mouth-

Wufei-Dragon: ONNA!!!

Narrator: *cough* foul-tempered dragon flew up and wriggled through the window to vent his rage on the cheeky Duo-Monkey, being careful not to torch the abode of Heero-Cheese, as that would mean no more mafia-type deals and therefore no more checks in the mail.

[ Inside the abode of Heero-Cheese ]

Heero-Cheese: …

Duo-Monkey: Glad you could join us, Wu-chan. *laughing maniacally as he dodges a gout of flame*

Wufei-Dragon: Stop calling me that!!

Duo-Monkey: But why not, Wu-chan?

Wufei-Dragon: GrrRRrrRrr *gives chase*

Narrator: And round and round they went, around the desk of Heero-Cheese, being careful not to torch anything important, as that would mea- hey I've said this before. Oops.

Duo-Monkey: *cheekily* Gonna sit at your desk all day, Hee-chan?

Heero-Cheese: *glare* *gives chase*

Narrator: And round and round the three of them went… with Duo-Monkey chuckling all the way. And the capricious lady Fate decided for the unthinkable to come to pass…

Duo-Monkey: *trip* Gyahh!! *thud* Erk…

Narrator: And the Duo-Monkey was caught.

Heero-Cheese: *glaring* Why do you always tease and torment me?

Wufei-Dragon: *glaring* Why do you constantly insult my dignity?

Duo-Monkey: *from the floor, under Heero-Cheese and Wufei-Dragon* *muffled* Because I like you two idiots. Get off!

Heero-Cheese & Wufei-Dragon: Like?

Narrator: Like, love, it's all interchangeable, okay?

Heero-Cheese & Wufei-Dragon: Oh. *pause*

(The mush factor shoots through the roof…)

Heero-Cheese & Wufei-Dragon: Baka Duo-Monkey… I guess I like you, too.

Narrator: And we'll leave the boys as they steer this fic down the PWP road… ^_^

~ Owari

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(© May 2000 by Stargem)

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