Author: shanna seanachai
Warnings: Lemon, angst
Disclaimer: don't own either GW the Tori Amos song 'Suede'
Summary: You gotta find to read out ^_^
Archive? You bet your ass.
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Suede by shanna seanachai
~suede. you always felt like suede there are days i feel your twin peekabo hiding underneath your skin~
It was getting harder and harder to sleep these days, with the burning in his head, and the iciness in his heart. Sometimes it felt as though he were drifting in a river, rather than laying in his bed, and he could not swim to the shore and rest. Afraid to move; afraid of drowning.
And when the warm morning came, he followed himself out of the bed, and into the shower, and into life, sharp and painful. A ghost, wavering, intangible to those who tried to capture his attention. He felt hollowed out, and empty, still missing the absence. Like a man who has lost a limb; he hadn't missed it when he'd had it. Sometimes he still thought it was there.
Yes, that was what caused him pain. Forgetting. Usually, it happened when he was around, although he had no idea why. He craved the boy's proximity, but at the same time, he caused him pain.
It was like touching a wound. To make sure it was there. And then one
time, you'd touch it, and it just didn't feel so good.
When he did fall asleep at night, he dreamt, and Treize was there, calling to him. "Zechs," he'd say. "Zechs, are you there?" and then he looked like the boy, mouth so sullen and still. Why did he get the two confused? They were nothing alike, in manner or in outward appearance. But he felt, sometimes, as though it were Treize were standing next to him, as he spoke to Relena. Her ghost. Many ghosts, these days. He had been Treize's ghost, and Heero was her ghost. Now he was his own ghost...all alone.
~and jets are revving yes revving from a central source and this~
Kisses, sweet, tart, sour. Kissing a corpse. How dare he die on me? How dare he? And how dare this boy remind me so much of him?
I don't want to have dreams about him. I don't want Heero Yuy supplanting himself in my dreams, taking over my mind and my body. I don't want to desire him.
Besides, he's hers, anyway.
~has power over me not because you feel something or don't feel something for me but because~
"I love him," she whispered to Zechs one night.
He looked at his sister, stone faced. "And how does he feel?"
She flushed. "I...he hasn't said anything. But I can feel it. He loves me, too, Zechs." She looked eager.
He nodded. They were watching him, outside, walking through the backyard. Studying the fence. Like he was planning an escape route. She didn't notice that, though. He was an amazing figure. It gave him shivers, to watch too long. He walked a bit like Treize. Hands in his pockets, slow, slow, studied. That hair was something else, though. Perhaps Treize had resembled him as a young man?
What does Treize have to do with any of this?
~mass so big it can swallow swallow her whole star intact~
He spoke so rarely, that when he did, his voice, surprised a person, caused them to still, to reconsider. Deep, startling voice. He was so...vivid, at times. And yet, invisible at other times. Easily forgotten. Then suddenly he would appear, brighter than life, and take over the scene, with one word, or two. Too big, for some people to handle. Interesting to watch them together. Relena leading, one moment; pulling him about, like some toy, winding him up, showing him off. Then he would do something. Say a few words. Straighten his shirt. Walk away a bit, and come back. And everyone would be staring at him. She would be forgotten. *She* would be staring at him, entranced. She seemed to fade into him, and he would look at her...he didn't like that. He didn't like those weaker than him. It wasn't anything snobbish; it was as though he was afraid he would break others, with that explosive, expansive presense, and he was tired of being responsible for the mess.
That was like Treize as well. You could sink into Treize, drown in him even. The difference was that he made himself responsible for those lost in his over powering tide. Personally responisble. He bore the guilt, always.
~call me 'evil' call me 'tide is on your side' anything that you want~
However much he breathed in Heero's presence, inhaling him like smoke,
Heero did not like him. He suffered his presense, because Relena was there.
But why would that affect him?
Why did he hang on Relena?
He wanted to ask him that, and one day, on a rare occasion when they were alone together - much to Heero's obvious discomfort - he did.
"Do you love my sister?" he asked.
Heero flinched, seeming to be uncomfortable with the term 'sister'. "It's not any of your business," he replied, in that extroadinary voice.
Zechs let the effects of his words wash over him, tasting them for meaning. "It is my business. She's my sister."
He flinched again. "You are my enemy," he hissed.
"The war is over, Yuy."
"Not to me it isn't."
Zechs blinked, startled. How peculiar. He wanted to get inside that head, turn it upside down and inside out, and find out what was going on in there. Another similarity - for how many times had he wished he could do that to Treize. Caught up in this wave of nostalgia, he spoke, irrationally, without thinking. "You are so like him..." He blinked. Heero was staring at him. "Although he was more...diplomatic."
"Who?" Heero asked.
Heero scowled. There was a closing, in his face, and Zechs knew he would get no more from him.
~anybody knows you can conjour anything by the dark of the moon~
Memories, memories of hot, sweaty sheets, cool air against warm flesh. Making love to Treize! He missed that too, besides just his presense, his encompassing presense. The delicious feeling of being filled. In his lonely bed, deep in the belly of his dark room, he moaned, lifting his hips. He couldn't help it. He slid one hand between his legs. He imagined Treize on top of him, touching him all over, driving him insane. Please! Tears were sliding down his cheeks.
Oh, God. Heero!
He pictured him, suddenly, that boy, naked! My beautiful, beautiful boy. His breath hitched, and he orgasmed, moaning inarticulately. Dear God. What was he thinking? He wanted to cry. It was so good. It was still flooding him. He rolled over, and faded into sleep in a wave of pleasure.
The first good sleep he'd had in ages.
~boy and if you keep silence silencer on then you'll talk yourself right into a job~
He was ashamed of himself, that was for certain. In retrospect, that was ridiculous; what he was feeling was natural. It had been over a year since Treize's death. Furthermore, it had been even longer than that since he had been with someone. Heero was someone who was around him constantly; he was attractive and intelligent; yes, it was only natural for him to desire him. But it didn't mean it could happen. Heero belonged to his sister. Still, it was becoming an obsession with him. One hard to shake off, for it seemed that every move Heero made, every little nuance, every word he spoke and each silence in between, was rapidly reeling him in, struggle though he might. It was seduction, though Heero was an unwitting participant in it. Once again, Zechs was not sleeping. But it was for a very different reason than before.
"Come in to the parlor and have a drink," Relena told him, one day. He sat there with them, drinking cognac, and thinking, thinking.
A long time ago this would not have bothered him. He knew what he wanted; he knew why he wanted it; and it was something that would be wonderful to have. There would have been no stopping him, and he would have gotten what he desired, no matter who he hurt. Unfortunately, the past few years had given him not only sorrow and wisdom, but a certain sense of conscience, and he didn't see how he could do something like that to his own sister.
Only maybe she didn't have to know.
What was it they used to say? What she doesn't know can't hurt her.
What a disgusting thing to think. And Heero would never stand for it. He looked at the boy, across the room, cold and steady. He expected to see flat, closed eyes, as usual. But when he looked he caught Heero in a completely strange expression. It was one of malice and resentment, and it was pointed at Relena.
~out of a hole and into my bayou into my bayou~
A whirlwind of thought sabotaged him. Didn't Heero love Relena? He'd always thought, that in that gruff way of his, he did have feeling for his little sister. But maybe not. Maybe Heero felt - felt -
It came to him suddenly. Obligation. Relena had saved Heero's life, hadn't she? Heero was the type of person who would sell off his life rather than feel owe and beholden to someone. Even if it made him miserable.
He was swamped by his emotions, warring with himself. I could do it,
he realized. I could pull it off. He was staring at Heero as Relena spoke
to him, her voice a faint buzzing noise in his ears. He sipped at his drink.
Heero was looking out the window, completely still except for one leg, which
kept jiggling. One thing Zechs had always prided himself in was reading
people, and at the moment, Heero was an open book to him. He was impatient
to get out of here, small talk was not the Perfect Soldier's game of choice.
He was angry with Relena, Zechs already knew that. The most deciding factor
in his decision was: was Heero lonely?
He watched him carefully. Then Heero turned his head, and his eyes traveled across the room, slowly, and once again, Zechs had caught him in a rare moment of mental nakedness. They were...melancholy. Disappointed - with what? His life? Suddenly he realized that Heero had caught him staring at him and was looking at him, frowning. Zechs reacted without thinking. He smiled, seductively, and raised one eyebrow.
And to his complete and utter surprise and delight - Heero blushed. Not
only did he blush, but his eyes, before turning back to their normal shuttered
stance, widened, almost innocently, and for a second, burned with interest.
Yes. Zechs knew quite what he wanted, and he was going to get it.
~suede. i'm sure that you've been briefed my absorption lines they are frayed and i fear~
Now was the time to plan. His mind, so long deprived of the necessary exercise it desired, responded to this challenge with zeal. The first thing to do was get Heero away from Relena for awhile. That would be nearly impossible - especially in the house. Even when she did not insist on him coming with her, he would follow; he would not leave her alone. But out of the house? What if there was some reason that would cause Heero to leave, something he had to do, that did not require Relena - even, that barred Relena. What?
Something associated with the war. With Gundams. Heero did not want her mixed up in his former line of work. But what if nothing turned up?
He would invent something.
A message, telling Heero to report to such and such a place, calling
on his sense of duty, his sense of worth. It couldn't be anything politically
related, because Heero would wonder why he had not heard of it through Relena;
Relena heard everything.
And then something came to him. A catcall. A dare.
Using a computer, from some public place, a store, and sending a message to Heero, telling him someone knew something of interest, and to come to this hotel unless he had softened in the past few years. That would work, wouldn't it? Zechs smirked. And what would happen if he himself just happened to appear at the hotel - staying there 'on business'.
He knew Heero was...interested. But it would take effort to bare that interest. He had a few ideas, however.
~my fear is great greater then my faith but i walk the missionary way~
"Why, Heero. What are you doing here?"
Heero seemed shocked, and perhaps a bit suspicious. Zechs tried his very best to be genuine.
"You see, I'm here on business. For the kingdom. I never expected to see you here."
Heero leaned against the arm of his chair. "I'm meeting someone." He looked uncomfortable.
"Ah." Zechs nodded. "Do you - do you mind if I sit down here?"
Heero's face was cold and aloof, and he shook his head, almost imperceptibly. Zechs took a seat.
"May I ask who you are meeting?"
Heero's eyes narrowed. "No."
Zechs felt a cocky grin spread over his face. He tilted his head, nodding. "I see..."
Heero looked - well, nervous. "You see what?"
Zechs folded his arms on the table. "Well, it's only natural for you to seek out other...company than Relena. She may be my sister, but even I can see her companionship can sometimes be a bit...stifling."
Heero looked flustered. "That's - that's not it at all!" he managed.
Zechs jerked his head back, doubtful. "Well. Then I guess what they say is right."
Heero twisted his napkin in his fists. "What do they say?" he asked sharply.
Zechs wanted to laugh. He was getting to him. "How about a drink first?" he asked.
Heero seemed angry, but Zechs didn't let it bother him. He gestured to a hotel waiter. "Two glasses and a bottle of Charet Charlemagne."
"Marquise -" Heero warned.
Zechs smiled dazzlingly and leaned forward. "What they say is -" The waiter came with the wine and poured a glass for each of them. "Sirs," he said, bowed, and left.
Zechs picked up his glass and continued. "They say you are indeed the Perfect Soldier," he smirked. "And you have amazing powers of resistance in more than one area." He took a drink.
Heero's hands contorted. "What is that supposed to mean?"
Zechs pointed to the wine. "Take a drink, dear, before it gets warm."
Heero picked up the wine glass and drank down half of it. Zechs raised his eyebrow.
Heero cleared his throat. "What is that supposed to mean?"
Zechs sighed. "Heero, I know my sister well. It's no secret that while she can be exceedingly affectionate, in reality, she is....hmm...what's a tactful term?" He gave the appearance of great thought, rolling his eyes about. Then he smiled. "Frigid," he finished.
Heero opened his mouth to say something, but Zechs picked up the wine bottle again to refill his own glass. "Why don't you finish off your glass, so I can refill yours as well."
Heero blustered, then drank down the rest of his wine and pushed the glass towards Zechs.
Zechs refilled it, wondering for a moment why Heero was obeying him. How strange. He'd expected more resistance. Perhaps things were more promising than he had even expected originally. He watched Heero drink some of the wine. His cheeks were a little flushed. Zechs had remembered hearing that Heero did not have too good a head for wine. Zechs decided to throw a line out there.
"It must be very hard on you," he said sympathetically.
Heero looked up, a bit distracted. "What?"
Zechs smiled. "Not being able to get close to Relena..."
"After all, I know you care very much about her."
Heero bit his lip.
Zechs drew his brows together, seemingly confused. "What?"
Heero shifted in his chair and drank some more of his wine. "It's not *that* hard on me."
"Well, I mean..." he finished off his wine, and Zechs refilled it again. "If you want to know the truth," he whispered. "I'm not really...interested in Relena...like that."
"She seems to think you are." Zechs couldn't believe the radical and swift change in the boy across from him. He also couldn't help but be a little smugly proud.
Heero looked guilty. "I know..." he mumbled.
There was silence for awhile, and then Zechs asked, "Aren't you lonely?"
Heero, being more than a little drunk, looked pathetic and nodded.
Zechs nodded. "I thought maybe...that's why I asked you what I did, when I came in."
"It doesn't matter how lonely I am. I'm Relena's..."
"Sometimes," Zechs cut him off, "you need to do what you want, and to hell with obligation."
Heero swallowed hard.
"I don't think you've done that much in your life."
He shook his head.
Zechs held his breath. Here it was. "Well," he breathed. "Why not start now?"
Heero looked at him. He just stared for a moment. His mouth opened, and he licked his lips nervously. Then he nodded.
~you always felt like suede there days i am your twin peekaboo hiding underneath your skin~
"Come up with me to my room," Zechs said.
Heero bit his lip, and gulped down some more wine, nervously. He reached for the bottle and attempted to refill his glass, only to find it empty. Zechs smiled.
"I can send another one...upstairs."
Heero blushed. Then he blinked, remembering. "I'm supposed to meet someone..." He looked around. It was late, the windows dark and anonymous, and the dining parlor was almost empty.
Zechs took him by the chin and turned Heero's face towards him. "I don't think you need to worry about that."
Heero stared at him, and suddenly realization seemed to strike him; his eyes widened, and then, slowly understanding, he nodded. Zechs took his arm and pulled him up - he was more than a little unsteady - and gestured for the waiter. "I want another bottle of Couret Charlemagne and two glasses sent up to my room, 406," he said, handing the man some folded bills. The waiter glanced at them, jumped, and nodded, shoving the money in his pocket. Zechs smiled, and guided Heero through the dining room, into the elevator, and down the hall.
It was very quiet up here, only the sounds of their footsteps, and a few muffled sounds from behind the suite doors. Zechs unlocked the door to his room, turned on the light, and helped Heero sit on the bed. The boy blinked woozily at him.
"I'm...drunk," he murmured. He brushed his hair away from his face irritably.
Room service came, and Zechs took the wine from the boy at the door, and poured Heero a glass. "Only a little," he said, handing him the glass.
"You set this up, didn't you?" Heero was latched onto his drink as though it was keeping him alive.
Zechs leaned forward and breathed against Heero's neck, smirking. "Would it bother you terribly if I admitted I had?"
~and jets are revving yes revving from an ether twist~
Then he pulled Heero's face around to meet his own and kissed him, tongue darting out to lick lips that tasted like wine. He could get more drunk just off of that taste than he had by nearly half a bottle earlier, for the boy's smell was intoxicating in itself; the pressure of those lips against his own was dizzying. Heero looked almost drugged, his mouth slack, his eyes luminous. The hand holding the wine glass began to lower, and Zechs took the glass from it and set it on the bedside table. Then he kissed him again, a slow, trickling burn beginning to track upwards from his loins, like a heavy drop of water. He heard Heero groan softly, and hips rushed up against his own. The desire to wrap himself around the boy like a blanket, to slowly melt into him, was almost painful. He let out a choking sigh and pulled him as close as possible.
"Zechs..." Heero gasped, "Zechs, I think I'm losing my mind..." and burst into tears.
Zechs pulled back, shocked. Heero had curled up into a ball, crying, his shirt half unbuttoned. A wave of doubt passed over him. Perhaps he had been wrong? What if Heero didn't want him? He reached out, nervously and stroked Heero's back. It suddenly occurred to him exactly how unused to loving he was. It had been so long. He'd forgotten how to comfort, how to cheer. He licked his lips. "Heero?"
"I hate you!" he gasped, his face contorting.
~call me 'evil' call me 'tide is on your side' anything that you want~
Zechs blinked, shocked at how much that stung him. It was like a razor, ripping through him. He leaned forward.
"All I want," he whispered, "is for you to be happy!"
He paused when there was no response, and stood up, moving away. "And
if it was a wishful hope of mine that I could be the thing to make you happy,
then I'm sorry. Because apparently I was wrong."
Silence. Echoing, hurting his ears. He sighed. Heero obviously was not going to move, to talk. He picked up his jacket and straightened himself, trying to wipe away the mark of desire from his body.
But as he approached the door, Heero lifted his head.
~anybody knows you can conjure anything by the dark of the moon~
Zechs felt his voice becoming heavy with anger and remorse. "Why shouldn't I?"
Heero sat up, rubbing at his face. He looked like a little boy, just waking up. "Because I don't want you to."
"You certainly have a nice way of showing it."
He gripped the bedpost, his face distraught. "I'm confused."
"So am I."
"Why would you want to?"
Zechs sighed. "Want to?"
Heero flushed, gathering the sheet over himself. "To do it...to me?"
Zechs blinked. "Why wouldn't I?"
Heero gathered his arms around himself protectively. "I'm ugly."
Zechs shook his head. "That's crazy." He walked back over to the bed. "It's not a mistake. I wouldn't regret it. I don't think you are ugly; I think you're beautiful, and I've wanted you for a very long time."
Heero licked his lips. "You mean it?" he whispered.
Suddenly the boy was at him; wrapping his arms around his waist, and kissing his stomach through his shirt. His hands came around the front and began to open Zechs' pants; the older man gasped, surprised. Before he could say a word, Heero had him in his mouth, and then he could not talk. It was physically impossible. And so it was completely quiet, except for Zechs' groans, until he came, powerfully. His knees bent and Heero guided him onto the bed, stroking his back and kissing him, with a reddened, salty mouth.
~boy and if you keep your silence silencer on then you'll talk yourself right into a job~
"I've never done that before," Heero whispered into Zechs' ear, when the other man had managed to get his mind back.
"You were pretty good at it," Zechs murmured softly, and had the dubious pleasure of making Heero giggle. "Wow," he said, nuzzling the boy's neck. "I didn't think you could make a sound like that."
"I can make any sound you like," Heero answered, and promptly flushed bright red.
"Oh, I see." Zechs rolled over so that he was on top again, and Heero sighed happily.
"There's one," Zechs noted. He ran his fingers down Heero's side, lightly, teasingly, and Heero made a sharp, 'oh!' noise. "There's another."
"Stop," Heero said, laughing.
"And what would you rather me be doing?"
"Something that involves less talking."
"Happy to oblige." He mounted Heero and, abruptly but carefully, entered him. Heero gave a surprised yelp, and then a long moan. His hips drove at him wildly, and Zechs let himself slip in completely, sweetly.
~out of hole and into my bayou into my bayou. suede~
It was almost violent, it was so powerful. Their breathing was ragged, and Heero's fingers were digging holes into Zechs' shoulders. Closer, and closer, and Zechs felt it coming. It was going to be so strong it scared him. "I want you, forever," Zechs hissed into Heero's ear, and then it was upon him. It felt as though he were being ripped from the inside out, and the shout that came from his mouth seemed alien and unreal. Heero was rearing up beneath him, yelling, and Zechs knew he was orgasming as well.
Then it was quiet, except Heero breathing in his ear. Zechs reached out and turned the light out. Then Heero whispered,
Heero's voice was wistful. "Yours, forever?"
Zechs laughed a little. "Yes." He kissed him, and Heero pulled himself close, making little sounds of happiness. It was too perfect; and of course, it therefore couldn't stay that way. There was a knock at the door. They lifted their heads, puzzled and slightly annoyed. And then a voice answered their questions.
"Heero? Are you in there?"
~oh little sister, i'd hope'd you wouldn't feel that way oh little sister, i'm still glad you came and i said~
The knocking went on. Heero and Zechs stared at the door, speechless. She couldn't have - no - impossible!
"Heero, darling, it's Relena! Are you in there?"
"I don't believe it," Heero mumbled.
Zechs looked at him, swallowed hard, and sat up. "I'll get the door."
"No!" Heero got up, too, holding the sheet to himself tightly. "Don't get it," he whispered. "Maybe she'll go away after a few knocks."
"She may, but I don't want her to."
Heero blinked. "Are you insane?"
Zechs sighed, putting his pants on, wincing at the incessant knocking. "She has to find out at some point, Heero. Do you want to hide this from her forever?"
Zechs walked to the door, still bare chested, and opened it.
Relena had been pressed tightly to the door, trying to peer through the crack as she called out, and with a shriek of "Heeroooooooo - oh!" she fell forward onto the carpet.
Heero gulped, pulling the sheet even tighter, swearing at Zechs.
Relena sat up, saw Heero, and beemed. "Heero! There you are." She stood up, smiling, and suddenly realized his situation. "Heero...?" she began, and then Zechs stepped in front of her.
~oh, little sister, i wish you didn't feel that way, oh, little girl, i'd do the same and i said~
"Zechs - ?" She backed up, a little, taking it in. "What are you doing here?"
Zechs crossed his arms. "Heero and I had matters to - discuss." He looked at Heero. "Right, Heero?"
Heero gulped. "Relena..."
"Why aren't you wearing any clothes, Heero?" Relena said, shrilly.
Zechs cleared his throat and answered for him. "Because people generally don't wear clothes when they are having sex, Relena."
Relena blinked, slowly, and then her face slowly reddened, her eyes idiotically wide. "I - I - I -" she stammered. She stepped back, her hands rushing up to her stomach. "Excuse me?" she finally managed, in a high pitched voice. "Did - did you say -"
"Sex, Relena." Zechs smiled, knowing Heero was groaning and hiding his face in his hands.
"Heero and I were having sex. Before you so rudely interupted."
"Zechs!" she looked toward Heero. "Heero - is this some kind of joke?"
Heero took a deep breath and looked up. "No, Relena," he managed. "It's not a joke."
"Heero and I are in love," Zechs said.
"He's my fiance!" she cried, getting angry now.
Zechs raised his eyebrow. "I wasn't aware of any proposal. Were you, Heero?"
Heero cleared his throat. "I never proposed."
"I - I - you were going to! Right, Heero?"
Heero said nothing.
"I'm sorry, Relena."
Relena looked back and forth at the two, as though she didn't know which to blame. "You - you -" she screamed, furiously. Then she launched herself at Zechs. "How dare you!"
Zechs grabbed her, immobilizing her, despite her flying arms and legs. Heero jumped up, wrapping the sheet about him. "Relena!"
"Disgusting!" she yelled. "You queers! You - degenerates!"
Heero took her shoulders and held her face close to his. "Relena - I'm sorry if I led you to believe that - I never meant to."
"I just want to be happy!"
"I can make you happy!"
Heero shook his head.
"I can make you happy -" Relena moaned, her fight against Zechs slowing. "I can make you happy. Honestly, I can."
"No, Relena," Heero said. "It's not your fault. But I'm not in love with you."
Relena made a small, desolate noise.
"I'm sorry," Heero whispered. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."
~and i said, oh, little sister, you'll forgive me one day, you'll forgive me one day~
She was silent for a moment. Then she said, "Let me go, Zechs."
Zechs paused. Then he let her go, and she moved away. Her eyes were red. She stumbled, a little toward the door. She looked around at them; then she opened the door and stepped out.
"I wish you the best of happiness," she murmured, and shut the door behind her.
Heero and Zechs stared at each other, silently, for a few minutes. Then Heero stepped forward, and Zechs folded him into his arms.
"I love you," Zechs said, and Heero nodded.