I know, another one already?? But this one is different. I was sifting through my folder and came across this little snippet. It doesn't make much sense in my opinion as I wrote it after a very emotional state a whiles back. It's a bit morbid and different than my usual, though I suppose it was basically me putting my thoughts down and gw just got incorporated somehow (doesn't it always?). I won't say more.
Did you ever just want to cry for no apparent reason at all? To let down your guard and let all your emotions of just about everything overwhelm you until your throat gets tighter and your breath quickens with every intake?
It's strange how things you're too afraid to think about or deal with aren't so hard to reflect on while you're laying in your bed, alone in the darkness of your room. The darkness and emptiness seems to be able to draw out the hidden feelings and worries with much ease no matter how hard you're able to conceal them in the daytime with the familiar people around you. I suppose in the darkness, no one's able to see you or hear you so that alone allows you to let your guard down and for once let the real you surface.
It's true. All people wear some sort of mask, save for those few people too innocent and naive to know better. Or perhaps, we mask wearers are truly the stupid ones. I suppose it depends on the way you look at it. People who wear masks do it for protection. Why reveal something about yourself to other's that may frighten or cause them to stay away from you? For if you wore a mask, none would be the wiser and you would still have friends...though in one way or the other, the friends you made were under false pretenses...but who cares, right?
Still, everyone's allowed their own secrets - something they wished that no one would ever find out about them and that's understandable. I mean who would want to know that my heart had died long ago and it was pointless to even try to reach out to me since I was already gone. It's not really a secret though. I've told two people for certain; it's just the matter of them believing me or not, which one certainly does not because he's too innocent - no, that isn't quite the word to describe him.
In many aspects he would be the most innocent among us, but not in the way that most people would think. He wasn't marred too much by the war which leaves a certain purity and kindness within him -- something I've found that I've grown quite fond about him and was one of the things I swore to protect since the beginning. It wasn't just him I was protecting, but all those like him in the universe. Who wouldn't want to protect something like that? Something so pure and so...so human.
Yes, I wanted to protect that piece of humanity -- the only piece that I knew existed and believed in. It was roughly taken away from me since I can remember and wouldn't it be logical for me to want to protect the ones who still had it? Doesn't it make sense at all?
I'm rambling again. It doesn't matter anyway. No one can hear me since I'm alone in my room, in the dark. Though the darkness frightens some people, to me, it's comforting, almost soothing. I must sound strange, but I'm not like most people. War can do that to you.
It's funny though. He still thinks I'm normal and human, but I can never bring myself to believe him. Human? I'm anything but.
Humans have emotions. I lost them a long time ago.
Humans have the will to live. It doesn't really matter to me whether I live or die.
Humans can love. I can't.
So no matter how many times he tries to convince me, I'll never believe him. He's just wasting his time, but I can never bring myself to tell him that so harshly. That is strange in itself. Why should I worry about hurting his feelings anyway?
I shouldn't care at all.
After all, I don't exist.
August 1, 2000