<giggles> I couldn't help myself, I just *couldn't* help myself.

Kitty-kat, babe, this one's for you, since it was originally your post that brought tonight's victim to mind...

Warnings: AU, OOC, a little bit of yaoi, obscure character, lunacy, and stuff... The person whom I have dubbed "Eustace" is in fact that blond guy from the first couple of episodes who seemed obsessed with Relena and dueled with Heero--you know who I talking about, I tend to call him the Blond Wiener Head when I'm not in the mood to be nice. If he has a real name, I obviously don't have a clue what it might be...

Bob: And I'd like to take this moment to say I had absolutely nothing to do with this fic. And even less to do with the name Eustace. <fastidious shudder>

Hn. You'd think he was ashamed or something.

The song's by The Mamas and the Papas. (yes, I *know* I have funky tastes in music)

Not mine, don't sue.

//...// lyrics

Words of Love by Lys ap Adin

//Words of love, so soft and tender, won't win a girl's heart anymore//

Eustace frowned to himself, considering what strategy he should employ to further his pursuit of Relena-sama. His former tactics--sweet compliments, hints of his devotion, and copious amounts of chocolates and flowers--had suddenly been rendered completely ineffective. The blond scowled viciously, unwillingly reminded of *why* his old way of wooing had fallen into disfavor.

That cur Heero Yuy, who had appeared for so brief a time, had nonetheless managed to quite handily steal Relena-sama's heart away. The most galling thing about the entire affair was that the mysterious boy hardly seemed to care. In fact, and Eustace had this on *very* good authority, Heero consistently greeted Relena-sama with the words, "Omae o korosu." Certainly he didn't treat her with the proper deference due her station.

//If you love her then you must send her somewhere where she's never been before//

Yet Relena-sama followed this Yuy around incessantly, entranced by *something* intangible that Eustace simply couldn't understand. Was it because Yuy was so insolent? Did Relena-sama enjoy being constantly rebuffed? Was it because he didn't have the decency to stand in one place and plant roots? Eustace shivered and considered one last thought. Was it because Yuy was linked to the colonies and their rebellion somehow?

He shook his head, dismissing the thought. Relena-sama would involve herself in someone even remotely connected to the rebellion, he was sure of it.

//Worn out phrases and longing gazes won't get you where you want to go (No!)//

"You look especially lovely today, Relena-sama."

"That shade of blue really brings out the color of your eyes."

"May I ask what you've done with your hair, Relena-sama? It looks stunning."

None of them had worked. Eustace didn't understand it. Even his patented Pleading-Puppy-Dog face hadn't seemed to move Relena-sama's heart in his favor. Nor had the enormous sums of money he had spent on roses and expensive imported chocolates worked to impress her. How on Earth, then, had Yuy, who'd ripped up her party invitation, managed to work his way so deeply into her heart? He'd barely even *look* at her!

//Words of love, soft and tender, won't win her...//

Eustace had a terrible thought. What if "Omae o korosu" was Yuy's way of saying "I love you"? And somehow Relena-sama *knew* this? What if Relena-sama *liked* death threats?

No, the thought was ludicrous. She wasn't the sort of person to be into closet bondage.

Eustace winced. He hadn't actually *thought* that, had he? The stress of his lovelorn life must have been getting to him...

//You oughta know by now//

And it had been going *so* well when he first met her, too. She had been quiet and reserved, but friendly enough to his cautious advances. Sources close to Relena-sama had reported to him that she had appreciated his little gift of chocolates. She'd even gone so far as to give him a personal invitation to her birthday party.

Of course, that honor was somewhat diminished by the fact that Heero had received a similar invitation.

//You oughta know by now,//

So. His former strategies would no longer work. Fine. Eustace could deal with that. He was a highly intelligent, well-educated young man. Surely he could think of *some* way of romancing Relena-sama away from her infatuation with Yuy.

//You oughta know, you oughta know by now//

Well, what *hadn't* he tried? Eustace made a mental list. He hadn't wined and dined her, taken her to a movie, concert, or play... He'd never tried writing love letters or reading poetry to her or singing love songs outside her bedroom window at night... Nor had he ever had himself gift wrapped and delivered to her doorstep...

//Words of love, soft and tender, won't win her anymore//

Somehow, even as he threw himself into a whirlwind of preparation, Eustace had the sinking feeling that he was doomed to failure. Still, nothing ventured, nothing gained.

He ignored the tiny voice at the back of his mind that sniggered and said, "Nothing ventured, no dignity lost."

//You oughta know by now//

"Relena-sama, I have reservations made for dinner at the most expensive restaurant in town... Would you do me the honor of escorting me for the evening?"

"Gomen, but I think I have something planned that evening."

Strike one.

//You oughta know by now,//

"Relena-sama, I have two tickets for the weekend concert in the park, would you like to come with me?"

"I have to wash my hair, I'm sorry."

Strike two.

//You oughta know, you oughta know by now//

"Son, I'm not even going to ask you how you managed to get Doberman bites on your hind end... I'm just going to assume you were sticking it somewhere where you weren't wanted."

Eustace glared at the doctor. "I don't want to talk about it." *I can't believe that she thought my singing was bad enough to loose the dogs on me...*

Strike three.

//Words of love, soft and tender, won't win a girl's heart anymore//

After the absolute failure of the moonlit serenade, Eustace was more than a little reluctant to attempt gift-wrapping and mailing himself to Relena-sama. With his current track record, she'd probably just have him returned to sender, cash on deliver.

It was time for his last resort.

Determined to win Relena-sama's heart or die trying, Eustace contacted his source near Heero Yuy, to ask for advice.

//If you love her then you must send her somewhere where she's never been before//

Relena's face twitched. "Anou... Eustace-kun... I can only ask on question: Why?"

Eustace swallowed his unease, pretending that he was *not* wearing spandex shorts and a green tank top in lieu of his designer khakis and polo shirts. And he prayed that he wasn't going to absolutely alienate Relena-sama by his reply. "Hn. Baka. Omae o korosu."

A slight giggle escaped Relena's lips despite her best efforts as she resisted the urge to comb Eustace's hair. "What in God's name are you trying to do?"

//Worn out phrases and longing gazes won't get you where you want to go//

Eustace gave his best imitation of Yuy's Glare o' Doom. "Hn."

Relena couldn't contain her mirth anymore, and burst into hearty laughter. "Eustace-kun, imitating Heero isn't doing you any good," she gasped between chuckles.

Eustace's shoulders sagged. Damn. There went his last hope. "Isn't there anything I can do to impress you?" he sighed.

//Words of love, soft and tender, won't win her anymore//

Relena's eyes softened. "You went this far--" She waved at the spandex, tank top, and odd yellow sneakers "--just to impress me?"

Eustace snorted. "What person of taste would wear this get-up otherwise?"

Relena smiled. "Eustace-kun, you don't have to go to such great lengths to impress me."

"I don't?"

"No. Just be yourself..." She patted his cheek fondly. "And don't worry about me and Heero. He already has someone else."

"Then he's an idiot," Eustace said immediately, without pausing to think about it. He winced. "I, uh, er..."

"It's okay. That might have been the sweetest thing anyone's said to me in a while," Relena laughed. "Now why don't you go put on some proper clothes?"

Eustace smiled back at her, relieved, and hurried off to do her bidding.

//Anymore!//

"What's so funny?" Heero asked, as Duo sat in front of a computer and laughed until he could barely breathe.

Duo shook his head. "Nothing, koi, just laughing at some idiot on the 'net who actually took my romantic advice."

Heero lifted an eyebrow. "Somebody actually took your advice seriously?"

Duo chuckled. "Well, he just emailed me back to tell me I suck at romance."

"Yes, you do." Heero smirked.

Duo caught the expression. "Oh, I do?" He turned off the computer and stalked Heero. "Just wait till I get my hands on you, and then we'll see who sucks..."

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~owari~

Eh. I can't believe I wrote that... <giggles> I'm insane, I know it. Give me feedback, please please please?