<grins> Okay, so I don't squick easily. Doc yaoi? Bring it on. Incest? I think Relena and Zechs would make an interesting couple. CamelxQuatre? Cool! It's saved on my harddrive.

With this in mind, I was discussing with my roommate what I could possibly write for a squick fic. And then I realized what does squick me out.

Unfortunately, the fic developed a life of its own, and I don't know if it still counts as a theme week fic. Admins, it's your call.

Notes and Disclaimers: I am not specifically poking fun at any one individual. This is a conglomeration of all the really horrible things I have ever had the misfortune to read.

Yaoi. AU. OOC. Sap. Incredibly horrid grammar.

##...## Duo's writing.
**...** Heero's writing.

Not mine, don't sue.

~~~
What Heero Wrote
(or, How to Squick an English Major)

##incident on third street
by solo twain##

Duo paused, regarding his title. A worthy effort, he decided, nodding to himself. Chewing on the end of his pen, he pondered how best to begin his masterpiece.

##the nite was dark and stormy.##

Duo frowned. Nope, it had been done before. Many times, in fact. Too bad, it was a nice opening, too. He scratched it out and tried again.

##duo maxwell flopped onto the bed. "i'm bored" he said.##

Duo nodded. Yep, that was fairly typical... Especially when he was on a mission with Heero, Mr. I'm-too-Perfect-to-talk-to-You Yuy.

##his parnter grunted and continued to ingore duo busy working on his laptop. "Another mission, heero?"

"Hn."

"Is that a yes or a no" Duo asked.

"aa."

dammit heero your no fun. i'm going out to club" duo says angrily getting up and starting to strip. it was just no fair. here he was desperately in love with heero and all that the other pilot did was ignore him.##

Well, they did say that art imitated life, after all. Duo sighed. So far, this felt less like creative writing than faithful, accurate journalism.

##"hn."

"christ don't you ever say anything else?" duo yelled. "and don't say aa, either."

"baka."

"i give up" duo sighs heading for the dor. have fun with your laptop."##

Duo paused. Shit, he had forgotten to write about getting dressed again. Oh well, maybe no one would notice that his character was walking out the door at least half-undressed.

##duo headed for the nearest nightclub and ordering a drink at the bar. fortunately for him the bartender falls for his fake id and gladly served up a round of wisky.##

"I wish," Duo muttered.

##sevaral drinks later duo felt even worse than before and their was a guy bothering him. "go away i'm not interested."

"sure you are baby, come on, you know you want it." the durnk grabbed duo's arm and tries to kiss him.

"ewwww get away from me i've already got someone!" duo yelled but he couldn't stop the man.##

Duo paused. Well, that wasn't too terribly accurate; even drunk he'd be able to remember the more basic hand-to-hand combat moves. But, it was a piece of fiction and he could fudge a little...

##the man draged duo out of the bar and into the alley pushing him against a wall and putting his hands all over duo's body. suddenly a hand pulls him off of duo and throws him against the wall. "leave my partner alone" heero growls. "omea o korasu."

duo stares. "heero you saved me."

"hn." heero grabs duo and kisses him. "aishiteru duo."##

Duo sighed again. "I wish."

##heero backed duo to the wall, kissing him eagerly, forcing his tongue into duo's mouth. duo responds, cupping his hands around heero's ass and squeezing. he can feel the rock-hard lump pressing into his leg and grins. "is that a gun in your spandex heero or are you just happy to see me?"

"hn. baka..."##

Duo stared at the paper. "This is trash."

"What is?"

Duo's eyes widened and he frantically covered the notebook with a folder. "Er... nothing, Heero, I didn't hear you come in."

"What's that?" his roommate asked, dropping his bookbag by his bed and moving to his desk.

"Oh, just my retribution on the teacher for forcing us to write a story for class." Duo smirked. "I'm going to inflict the absolute worst writing possible on her--it'll teach her to assign idiotic creative writing exercises, ne?"

"You shouldn't endanger the mission by standing out." But Heero sounded uncertain.

"Face it, Heero, you're just sorry you didn't think of it first," Duo retorted. "So what are you going to write about?"

"I've already written my story."

"Maa, again with the perfect student business," Duo complained. "Seriously, what did you write about?"

"It's not important, it's just an assignment." Was Heero... embarrassed?

Duo decided to press the issue. "Yes it is! I wanna know!"

"What are you writing about?"

"It's the next great epic romance--it's got everything, angst, sap, violence, sex, and, just in case our teacher likes that sort of thing, it has shounen ai, too," Duo said airily.

Heero snorted. "Women like shounen ai, baka."

Duo paused. "They do? Sugoi... So what are you writing about?"

"Nothing important. Somebody who has something to say but just can't." Heero's voice was rapidly turning frosty, indicating that now would be a good point for Duo to ease off.

"Okay, okay, fine, I get the picture... Well, back to my smut and deliberately shoddy grammar." Duo carefully uncovered the lower portion of his notebook and resumed his masterpiece.

##not caring that they were in a public alleyway for all the world to sea, the two boys grappled each other and run they're hands over each others bodies. heero unzipped duo's pants and pulls out his throbbing dripping cock.

duo moans. "god, feels so good..." his eyes go wide as heero goes down, envelloping his cock with his hot wet mouth. heero bobbed his head, swallowing duo to the root and hums deep in his throat. duo came with a shout, spilling his cum into heero's mouth. then heero is moving, pulling a bottle of lube out of his spandex space. preparing himself, he hooks duo's legs around his waiste and thrusts into duos virgin hole, impaling duo on his oaken staff.##

Duo snorted softly to himself. "I sure hope she appreciates how much effort it's taking to make this so crappy," he mumbled.

"Nani?"

Duo waved his pen at Heero. "Anybody can write a story that's mediocre, but it takes true talent to write something this horrible, Heero."

"Aa." Heero's curiosity seemed piqued. "...can I read it when it's done?"

His partner blanched and meeped. "Hell no! This is too awful to inflict on your virgin eyes, Heero! The colonies need you to pilot Wing, they don't need you committed to a hospital ward with brain damage from terrible stories written by yours truly."

"Hn." Heero resumed work on his chemistry homework.

Vastly relieved, Duo returned to his story, deciding it was about time to wrap things up.

##heero moves inside duo, thrusting deep and hard, hitting duo's sweet spot with every movement. duo shouts as comes a second time. "fuck i love you so much!" his ass clenches down hard on heero and heero comes inside duo, filling him with his essence and marking him as his own.

"i love you too..."

~owari~##

"Well, that takes care of that," Duo muttered. "I'll go through it again later, ruin my grammar and spelling some more, and add a few ink blots for effect..."

"Duo, it would take less effort to write a regular story."

"I know, but this is for a cause, man. Teachers need to learn not to give us these grade school assignments, you know?" Duo stretched.

Someone knocked on the door, and feminine voices could be heard on the other side. Duo glanced briefly at Heero, who quietly made sure he had easy access to his gun and a clear view of the door before nodding. Tensely, Duo rose from his desk and answered the knock.

"Solo-kun, we need help with our chemistry!" the group of girls wailed. "Help us, please?"

"And tell Odin-kun that I need help with my mathematics," added another girl.

Duo chuckled. "Uh, Odin-kun is a little busy right now, but..." He turned and waved at Heero. "I'm always willing to help out a lady or five in distress! Ja, Odin-kun!" Duo bounced out of the room, instantly surrounded by his adoring fan club.

Heero huffed quietly, annoyed, but rather appreciating the quiet of the dorm room. He worked steadily on the chemistry for a while, but eventually paused, looking over at Duo's desk.

The notebook that Duo had not wanted him to see was still lying there, open. Intrigued by the promise of the absolutely absurd story, Heero wavered for a moment. Then he decided that Duo would never have to know...

He moved to Duo's desk, twitching the notebook just enough to be able to read the scrawl that was abnormally messy. As he scanned the first few sentences, his eyes widened...

"Masaka..."

~*~

Having eventually escaped the gaggle of giggly girls and caught a bite of dinner, Duo returned to his room, fairly content with the world. "Oi, Heero, you really ought to try hanging out with the normal people once in a while, you know? Not all girls are as strange as ojousan, ne?"

Heero was sprawled on his bed, intently reading a textbook. He seemed reluctant to even look at Duo.

"Well, I guess I ought to finish up my homework," Duo announced, mostly to fill up the silence. "Isn't it funny how you can spend an evening doing chemistry but not actually get your own homework done? Well, maybe not, but..." He sat down at his desk. "What's this?" He picked up a couple sheets of notebook paper that were covered in a neat script.

"Just read it."

"Well, okay." Duo settled himself more comfortably in his seat, picked up a pencil to fidget with, and began to read

After a few lines, the pencil dropped to the desk, completely forgotten.

Slowly, pausing every other line to dart a glance at Heero, Duo read through the paper. Finally, after the last page, he set the papers aside, as if they were the most precious things he'd ever had the privilege of touching. "Heero... did you write this?"

"Aa." Heero stared determinedly at his text, furiously trying to deny the heat mounting in his face.

Duo brushed his fingers over the smoothly inked lines of writing. "Me too, Heero."

Still not looking at Duo, Heero confessed it quietly. "I read your story. I took a chance."

Duo winced. "Not the way I would've told you, but... that's okay."

Heero finally dared to look at the boy sitting across the way. "Just do the world a favor. Don't turn that in."

The braided boy blushed. "Pretty awful, isn't it?"

"No... I just don't want to share that with anyone else yet." Heero smiled, a tiny lifting of the corners of his mouth that softened his entire face.

Duo smiled back. "Okay, but I get to keep this--" He patted the loose papers protectively "--for myself. The teacher doesn't deserve it."

"Agreed."

They paused, uncertain. Then Duo sighed, pulling out his notebook. "Back to the drawing board, I guess."

"Hai." Heero put aside the textbook, which had been a mere pretense anyway, and went to his desk.

Duo looked at the intervening space between their desks and shook his head, but stared as Heero began dragging his desk closer to Duo's. Duo grinned slightly and bent his head over his notebook as Heero sat, now only a few inches away.

For now it was enough.

~*~

**I Have
by Odin Lowe, Jr.

Have you ever loved someone so much that it causes a hollow, aching feeling in your gut?

I haven't.

Have you ever loved someone so much that the merest smile from him makes the sun shine and the birds sing?

I haven't.

Have you ever loved someone so much that you can't imagine why no one else has seen him and made him his or her own?

I haven't.

Have you ever loved someone so much that it brings you to life and makes the world a habitable place?

I haven't.

I never believed the romantic conventions and foolishness that surrounds the idea of love. I don't believe in Cupid, and emotions are worthless vestiges of more sentimental eras. Cold, hard practicality is the only way to survive in this world.

This is how I grew up.

He thinks that I am an emotional wasteland, barren, dead. He believes that I am inhuman, cold, a machine programmed to act according to specific directives and to ignore anything outside the parameters of the missions I set myself.

He is right.

He is everything that I am not--bright, alive, abundant with energy and emotion. He gives freely of himself to others, asking nothing in return.

And, unlike me, he does not lie to himself about the things closest to his heart.

I did not know that there was more to life than just existing before I met him. I did not realize that living meant more than eating and sleeping in sufficient amounts to facilitate maximum operational efficiency. I did not realize the value of friendship and basic human interaction.

He made me human when I had not even realized I was a machine.

He gave me life when I did not know I was dead.

He illuminated the darkness in my soul that I had not noticed until it was gone.

With his help, I found the soul that I had not even known I possessed.

Yet I continue to say to myself that I do not love him, because I am a fool. I lie to myself, and say it is because I do not need to love. I try to fool myself into believing that he does not need me. I delude myself that life could ever be the same were he not here, laughing and smiling and making me smile too.

Have you ever loved someone enough to be willing to die for them? Have you ever loved someone so much that you thank a god you don't believe in for letting you just meet them?

Because I have.**

~Owari~

<grins> And now you know how to really squick me out.