2-6-2001

Author: Lys ap Adin (lys_ap_adin@yahoo.com)
Title: Understanding the Soldier
Category: Ummmmmmmmmmm.... <sweat> Introspective Drama?
Warnings/Labels: Shounen ai. A very little bit thereof.

Again... Em is lurking. Send feedback off list, please?

~~~
Understanding the Soldier

/Arma virumque cano.../*

Heero Yuy. He's hard to talk about sometimes, because you really can't talk about just him. You have to talk about the war, too, because it's so much a part of who he is and what he is.

To put it simply - maybe a little too much so - Heero is a soldier. I don't think he was born a soldier, although he doesn't know for sure where he came from at it is possible that even that part of his identity is wrapped up in the accoutrements of war as well, but I do know he was raised a soldier. And that he lived as a soldier for the longest time.

He's been called the perfect soldier, I guess because of his dedication to the mission and his superior skills. I know - because he's told me - that he was trained and conditioned to achieve that effect. J, whether reluctantly or not (Heero didn't choose to speculate on that, or, if he did, he didn't share his thoughts with me), did his best to create in Heero a warrior to fight for the colonies without any regard for his personal feelings or welfare.

Those who don't know Heero say he is emotionless, cold-hearted, and even that he is a soulless killer. To be sure, he doesn't often display any emotions beyond an implacable cold rage. I say that they shouldn't judge what they don't know. I see in Heero something they don't. He does feel, and strongly. But he doesn't feel the need to express these feelings, not the way normal people do. And I don't think he represses these emotions, either. I think it's all about control - because, as I've said, Heero is a soldier, perhaps the ultimate soldier. Sometimes emotion gets in the way of the mission, but he is able to set aside his personal conflicts in order to carry through for what he perceives as the higher cause.

That's not to say he never experiences guilt for doing this. I think he may be more conscious of the blood on his hands than many would give him credit for being - all of the Gundam pilots are like that, though. I know that he still hasn't forgiven himself for killing Noventa and the rest of the members of the peaceful faction. I think all of us who know Heero suspect that the occasional self-destructive acts he commits are really just abortive attempts to purify himself of the guilt, or to offer himself up as penance. And I think we're all grateful that there's something that always pulls him back, whatever that may be.

People think that my fascination with Heero is strange: clingy, obsessive, and naive. Honestly, I'm not all that romantically infatuated with him, and haven't been since the very beginning. Yes, he is beautiful, with a fallen angel's perfection of features. And yes, there is that brooding air of danger and mystery that is incredibly attractive. But he and I would not make an appropriate couple. For all his complexity of character, he is a straightforward man, and would not fit at all into my world of politics and subtle, twisted promises and poisoned smiles. And there are things about him that I, no matter how closely I listen to his slowly explained, stumbling stories of his past, will never be able to grasp. Although I have had my share of dark moments, none are so pitch-black as his.

To be quite honest, I never thought Heero would be able to settle down after the wars. Given my understanding of him and his worldview, I really almost thought that he'd probably spend most of the rest of his life drifting, never quite able to integrate himself fully into society. I expected that of all the pilots, with the exception of Quatre, who has a family and company to ground him. But I'm not surprised that he chose to join the Preventers. It's a matter of that control I mentioned before. He thinks of himself as a weapon, as much as Wing was a weapon, and by working with the Preventers he can at least assure himself that he is a weapon under control by those who will not manipulate him for the wrong reasons.

I suppose the life he's leading now really isn't that grounded - he's always coming and going on his new missions, tracking down terrorists and stamping out all the little things that could lead to trouble. But I saw him the other day, and he's changed. He was relaxed - almost smiling - and seemed more content than I'd ever seen him. Because I'm his friend, I didn't press for an explanation of why, and just rejoiced quietly to see him so happy.

I think he was glad I didn't ask, and that's why he felt comfortable enough to show me... when Duo came by to pick him up. Never one to be demonstrative, Heero put an arm around Duo's waist as they walked out. It was a little surprising, maybe, but the more I think about it, the more fitting it feels. I'm glad there is someone who understands Heero even better than I do.

~Owari~

*From Virgil's Aeneid: "I sing of arms and the man..."

<grins> Dunno why, but I swear I think of Heero every time I go back and read that line. ^_^;;;

<chibifies> Feedback? Please? Please? With pocky on top?