11-18-2001

Title: Odd Man Out
Author: Lys ap Adin (lys_ap_adin@yahoo.com)
Genre: Drama, I s'pose
Warnings/Labels: POV, mild angst, shounen ai, and me channeling Wufei. How often does that happen?

Oh, and I'm sort of toasted at the moment. Blame the typos and egregious grammatical/spelling errors on that and the fact that I typed this directly into my email.

~~~
Odd Man Out

 

It's not that I necessarily want any one of them, really. For one thing, they're guys and I'm a guy, and while I have nothing against the entire guy/guy dynamic, I just don't think it's for me, you know? And it's not like I haven't experimented and don't know what I'm talking about.

And it's not that I think I need someone in order to be happy, either. Because I know that I don't. Most of the time I'm much happier on my own. My personality doesn't lend itself to blending in with the group. Yuy is more socially apt (in some situations, anyway) than I am. Me on my own is good enough, thank you very much.

It's more the fact that at times like these, it's really awkward to be the fifth wheel, both in the literal sense and the figurative. When you've got five people, four of whom are paired off, things get a polarized. For example, tonight: five guys, sitting around watching movies and drinking. Guys one and two are sitting on the couch, guy two comfortably snuggled under guy one's arm. Guys three and floor are on the floor, guy four sprawled across guy three's lap. Guy five (me) gets the chair, the bottle of rum, and the best view of the television, but no one to cuddle with. Not that cuddling's all it's cracked up to be, mind you.

Well, okay, I'll level with you. I haven't got a clue about the cuddling.

So guys one through five end up thoroughly and pleasantly blurred by the end of the night. Guys three and four bid guys one, two, and five farewell in the wee hours of the morning. Guy five, who has by far the best head for his booze, kindly drops guys one and two off at home, watching them walk up the walk to their apartment building arm in arm, and does what he can not to be mind-numbingly jealous.

It's not that I want any one of them. I don't. What I want is what they've got in one another, which is a partner for every level of a relationship. And while jealousy is an emotion I'm not proud of, in this case I think a just cause provokes it in me.

What's a man to do?

It's not that I don't date, either. I do. There are plenty of people willing to give a war hero a chance. It's harder to find people I'm willing to give a chance. I'd be the first to tell you that my standards are probably insanely high, but the only way I can see myself being happy is by finding a partner who has the same strict expectations of herself and me that I have of myself and her.

I just hope that I didn't leave my proper partner in a field of wildflowers on a colony that isn't there any more.

 

~owari~

 

Um. Feedback would be nice.

And before you ask, no, there will not, repeat, not, be a sequel to this.