Well, minna, here it is... Relena's thoughts, ponderings, musings, and diatribes... <grins> What *will* she have to say for herself? The usual warnings, you know the drill.

Respectfully dedicated to my poor sick koibito, who is pissed because the bookstore has gipped her (again).

My apologies if Relena happens to be OOC; not being my favorite character in the world, she's possessed of a hard head for me to get into.

Monologue: Passing Infatuation by Lys ap Adin

I should have punched him.

That's what everyone keeps telling me. And, if I'm completely honest with myself, I have to admit that sometimes I wonder why I didn't. As humiliating episodes go, being jilted in favor of the best man, and then having your wedding hijacked for two other boys' sakes has to be right near the top of the list. I probably could have gotten extenuating circumstances from a judge if I had killed...

At first I wondered what it was that I had done wrong with him. Had I smothered him with my attention? Had I not paid him enough attention? Wasn't I pretty enough? Was my way of life simply too alien for him to be able to survive in it? Where did it all go wrong? *Why* did it all go wrong?

I also blamed *him*. For a long time, I was absolutely certain that it was all that braided baka's fault. It was something *he* had done, or something he was holding over Heero's head, that caused it. My beautiful fallen prince would never have let himself become involved in such an unnatural relationship otherwise...

Unnatural. That's how I classified it. After all, everything I had ever heard about homosexuality referred to its wrongness. Two boys were not meant to have sex together. It just isn't done. Nor were they supposed to fall in love with each other.

I tried to deny the fact that they love each other for a very long time. I pretended I hadn't heard Heero correctly at the reception of the wedding that was not. I refused to accept it. I told myself that it was just a passing infatuation, that eventually he would come to his senses and come back to me.

Then something a good friend of mine said to be caught my attention. Why, he asked, should I even think of accepting the jerk again? Was there ever a time when he hadn't treated me badly?

Huh. I had never thought of it that way.

Thus began my bitter phase, when I entertained myself with dozens of scenarios in which he came crawling back, begging for forgiveness, and I laughed in his face. Or I tortured him for a while, and then graciously forgave him for his transgressions. And I also thought a lot about taking a pair of scissors to a certain long braid...

I kept tabs on them, of course. Old habits die hard, and I had a morbid curiosity about my ex-fiance and his new lover. They moved from place to place, colony to colony, never settling in one place for long. It baffled me at first, until I realized that they were doing all the things that they'd never had a chance to do together during the war.

I'm still not sure when I finally started to accept it. Maybe it was when I bumped into Quatre and Trowa at a state function and saw how happy they were together, and I realized it was possible for two men to be that deeply in love. Maybe it was when Wufei took me aside one afternoon and told me to move on with my life, because Heero wasn't ever coming back. Maybe it was when I realized that I was beginning to fall in love with someone else.

I struggled at first. I tried to hold on to my old feelings, but it got harder and harder to remember exactly what shade of blue Heero's eyes were. Or what his voice really sounded like the first time I heard him speak. It didn't work. It was like holding a fistful of sand; the more tightly I clenched my fist around the precious memories, the more swiftly they slid between my fingers. But they were being replaced just as rapidly by new memories--laughing eyes, a friendly shoulder, the gentle warmth of a caring voice. One day I finally surrendered and admitted to myself that I was over Heero.

It was a relief, really, to release the the burden of unanswered questions, guilt, anger, and bitterness after all that time. I stopped my surveillance of the two of them, and even learned to laugh at the sheer absurdity of it all. I was dumped for my fiance's best man! How many women can claim such a great story?

I'm happy for them, truly I am. Heero and Duo belong together, more so than Heero and I ever would have. They complete each other, balance each other... If it hadn't been for my own willfulness, I would have known from the beginning that Heero never belonged to me. I don't regret having loved him, only having made him unhappy for as long as I did.

And tomorrow, I will be honored deeply to have Heero escort me down the aisle as my good friend and nothing more.




<sighs deeply> And that's that. Amazingly enough, I think I managed to give everyone a happy ending...