4-26-2001

Ummmmmm... this is what happens when I don't get enough sleep, stress out a little too much, and listen to Bob when he starts talking to me in the shower.

Title: Finals Week Outtake
Author: Lys ap Adin (lys_ap_adin@yahoo.com)
Genre: Comedy
Warnings: Shameless crossover, idiocy, insanity, drivel, Duo in a dress, etc... Vidfic, I suppose.

None of the characters are mine.

~~~
Finals Week Outtake
(or, Em has been getting far, far too little sleep these days)

[The scene: a dim nightclub, filled with anime characters from assorted series. Most of said characters look a little unnerved to be here, since this is not the normal decoration for the interior of Em's skull.]

[Most of the rest of the characters are such badasses that it would be extremely out of character for them to look unnerved. In fact, a few of them look like they're about to protest and go back to whatever it was they were doing before Em got this idea.]

[However, the stage lights up, spotlighting a piano--where Quatre is sitting, looking a little befuddled but amused--and a stool, which is currently empty.]

[From backstage, the audience can hear some fairly vigorous arguments.]

[Duo: NO! ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NO!!!!]

[Heero: It's the mission.]

[Duo: What part of "no" don't you understand, soldier boy? The "n" or the "o"?!]

[Heero: Don't make me do this, Duo.]

[Duo: Don't make ME do this, Heero!]

[Heero: (sighs) Fine... we'll get someone else... Nuriko ought to be willing.]

[Duo: What, Nuriko? Wait a minute...]

[Heero: Yes?]

[Duo: You are one manipulative son of a bitch, I just want you to know that.]

[a few moments later... Duo sashays out onto the stage, dressed in a glitzy red dress and looking extremely uncomfortable. He mutters to himself darkly about pantyhose and dire vengeance to be taken out of Heero's hide at some later date, but seats himself on the stool. The club quiets down expectantly, although there are a few laughs and catcalls from various parts of the crowd. Duo demurely gives them all the finger and jerks his head at Quatre.]

[Quatre hides his grin and starts playing the opening strains of the song.]

~At first I was afraid, I was petrified ~

[As Duo sings the first bars of the song, Jadeite turns to Nephrite. "What the hell," he asks his star-obsessed friend, "does a disco song have to do with finals week?"

[Nephrite shrugs. "Not a clue. I can ask the stars for you."

[Jadeite sweatdrops. "Um, not necessary."]

~Kept thinkin' I could never live without you by my side ~

[Meanwhile, on stage, Duo is belting out the words with little to no enthusiasm, wondering how much longer this humiliation will have to last.]

~Then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong ~

[Back in the audience, Heero is hiding his face. Duo is not being a credit to the mission.]

~And I grew strong ~

[The crowd is growing a little restless. Yeah, the sight of Duo in his dress was cute for the first few minutes, but the gimmick was old before Em had ever laid her fingers on it.

["This is a goddamn waste of my time," Sanosuke mutters.]

["For once the Chicken-head has a good point," Saitoh observes, lighting up a cigarette in spite of the polite "Thank you for not smoking" signs on each table.]

["Who are you calling Chicken-head?!"]

["Ahou."]

~And I learned how to get along~

["This is very, very sad," Wufei murmurs to Sally.]

["Heero shouldn't have forced Duo to wear a dress," she agrees.]

["No, not that. I'm out of film for my camera."]

[As Duo is girding up for the next few lines, a commotion is heard in the audience. Nuriko storms on stage. "This," he declares, "is a travesty." He snatches the microphone from Duo and sings the next line himself...]

~And so you're back from outer space ~

[Nuriko blows a kiss to Heero. Duo's eyes widen in outrage. "HEY!"]

[The audience, who had been thinking about leaving, settle back into their seats. This was going to be good.]

[In one corner of the room, Shinobu and Mitsuru start compiling the odds and taking bets.]

~I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face ~

["Give me that!" Duo snatches the microphone back from Nuriko. "This is MY song!"]

["Oh, please. Mitsukake could do a better job," Nuriko sniffs.]

[In the audience, Mitsukake frowns. "I think I've just been insulted."]

~I should have changed that stupid lock ~

[Duo belts this next line out with enthusiasm born of fury. For good measure, he starts to get into the groove of the music, swaying his hips and pouting adorably.]

[In the audience, people cheer.]

[Nuriko's eyes narrow. "No one cheered for me," he growls.]

[He pounces Duo, grabbing the microphone just in time to sing the next line.]

~I should have made you leave your key ~

["HEY!" Duo scrabbles for the microphone, but Nuriko uses his superior strength to hold Shinigami at bay. Nuriko starts to ham the part up, wagging his finger at the audience as he sings to them.]

[Heero sinks lower into his seat. This was not going according to the mission plan... granted, the mission plan had been scribbled on the back of a bubblegum wrapper, but a mission was a mission.]

~If I had known for just one second you'd be back to bother me ~

["Oof!" Nuriko wheezes a little as Duo lands a solid punch and snatches the microphone back.]

[The audience cheers, but whether from the song or the prospective bloodbath, no one knows.]

[Duo sings the next line, strutting around the stage.]

~Go on now, go walk out the door ~

[Hotohori's eyes widen as the young man in red saunters by and sings specifically to him. The flattered feeling quickly turns to one of shock as Nuriko tackles Duo and snatches the microphone back.]

["Hotohori-sama's mine, you jerk," Nuriko hisses.]

~Just turn around now
'Coz you're not welcome anymore ~

[Chichiri hides his eyes. "This is turning into a brawl no da," he moans.]

[Tasuki grins. "Yeah, ain't it great?" He cheers Nuriko on.]

~Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye? ~

[Duo growls, lunging for Nuriko and stumbling over the skirt of his gown. Nuriko snickers, and the crowd cheers for the panty shot.]

["This isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be," Hiei notes. He blinks. "Kurama, where are you going?"]

~Did you think I'd crumble? ~

[Nuriko blows another kiss, this one to Allen Shezar. Millerna's face flushes a very dangerous red.]

[Thus distracted by flirting, Nuriko fails to see Kurama coming till the redhead plucks the microphone neatly out of his hands and begins to sing.]

[The audience roars with approval at this new element, and Shinobu and Mitsuru make quick adjustments to their odds.]

~Did you think I'd lay down and die? ~

["Hey, who invited you?!" Nuriko demands of Kurama.]

["Somebody needed to sing the song," Kurama says, smirking. "You were too busy."]

~Oh no not I, I will survive ~

[Duo, meanwhile, has finally regained his feet, cursing his dress the entire time. "This is MY show!" he protests.]

[Kurama grins. "Prove it."]

[An anonymous voice from the audience yells, "STRIP!"]

[All three bishounen on stage stare at the audience, momentarily distracted from their argument as the crowd cheers wildly. Duo, quickest to recover, snatches the microphone from Kurama just in time for the next line.]

~For as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive ~

["Stripping?" Nakago smirks. "This might be more interesting than I thought."]

["Nakago-sama, they're all boys," Soi points out, sweatdropping.]

[Tomo, meanwhile, is cheering like crazy.]

[The 'boshi twins look over at Chiriko, who's at the next table. The three hold a quick conference. "Are we old enough to be watching this?"]

~I've got all my life to live ~

[Nuriko gives up on trying to grab Duo's microphone, especially with competition from Kurama, and seeks other options. With a grin, he starts undoing his shirt.]

[Kurama, not to be outdone, starts working on his own shirt.]

[The crowd goes wild.]

~And I've got all my love to give ~

[Jadeite looks at Nephrite. "I'm pretty sure this song isn't supposed to be a strip tease, either."]

[On stage, Duo meeps to himself as Kurama and Nuriko start to display some serious skin. "Don't look at me!" he protests, as they eye him and his dress, grinning.]

~I'll survive ~

[Duo starts backing away from the two bishounen, who seem to have forgotten the earlier competition in favor of embarrassing him.]

[In the audience, Heero shakes his head. Duo, he decided, was probably going to kill him for this later, so he might as well enjoy the show for now.]

~I will survive ~

["Guys, I don't think this is a good idea," Duo protests. "Who's going to sing if I don't?"]

[They grin and grab him, just in time for the next line.]

~Hey hey ~

[The microphone goes sailing into the audience, landing in Kenshin's lap. "Oro?" he blinks. "I don't want it!" He picks up the microphone and throws it.]

[The microphone sails to the other side of the room, landing in Dilandau's lap. The assorted Dragonslayers cheer as their leader accepts the challenge, jumping on top of the table in order to sing, a crazed glint in his eyes.]

~It took all the strength I had not to fall apart
Just trying hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart ~

[On stage, pieces of cloth, and not all of them glitzy red, are flying as Dilandau sings. Duo seems to be giving as good as he gets.]

[In the audience, people start digging in their pockets for money.]

[Zoisite stares suspiciously at Kunzite. "What do you think you're doing?" he inquires, a dangerously polite edge to his voice.]

[Kunzite sweatdrops and pulls out a pink rose, which he hands to Zoisite, instead the fifty dollar bill he had been planning to wave at the stage.]

~And I spent oh so many nights just feeling sorry for myself ~

[Back at his table, Dilandau is really getting into the act, rubbing a finger over his left cheek and murmuring "Prick...prick" to himself between lines.]

[Absently, he steps on a few Dragonslayer fingers as he struts along the table top.]

~I used to cry, but now I hold my head up high ~

[Onstage, Kurama and Nuriko stand back and admire their handiwork, grinning and giving each other high fives at their success. Duo, down to a thong and a few scraps of red cloth, does an interesting full body blush as the audience goes nuts.]

[Heero experiences a nosebleed-jealous rage combination. He wads up the bubblegum mission orders and tosses them over his shoulder, beaning Saitoh in the process.]

~And you see me, somebody new ~

[Dilandau does not take kindly to have the spotlight taken away from him. He levels a glare at his cadre of Dragonslayers and hisses a single command to them all. "Strip!"]

[They meep obediently and do Dilandau-sama's bidding.]

~I'm not that chained up little person still in love with you ~

[Back on stage, Duo gives up on modesty, dignity, and sanity, and decides that he'll be damned if he's going to let some pyromaniac gender-bender finish his mission for him.]

["BANZAI!!" Duo launches himself off the stage, using the table where Aya and Omi are trying to ignore their flirtatious partners to watch the show as a vault to propel himself onto the Dragonslayers' table.]

[Shinobu and Mitsuru readjust their calculations... again...]

~And so you felt like dropping in and just expect me to be free ~

[Dilandau, surrounded by stripping subordinates who are a little too busy with their trousers being down to help out their glorious leader, finds that Duo is very determined to get his microphone back.]

[They wrestle back and forth, trading insults, scratching, biting, and pulling hair. In the fray, the microphone goes flying and skitters across the floor, landing in Van's lap. Taking one look at the fight going on a few tables down, Van meeps and tosses it as far away as he can.]

[The microphone lands in Vash's lap. Gallantly, he finishes up the second verse.]

~But now I'm savin' all my lovin' for someone who's lovin' me ~

[Then he tosses it up onto the stage, where Nuriko catches it one handed.]

[He winks at Kurama, and they sing the next line together.]

~Go on now, go walk out the door~

[Hiei sighs, never ceasing to be amazed at what crazy things the stupid humans came up with. Then he growls at the bishounen the next table over who was eyeing Kurama a bit too appreciatively.]

[Duo howls in dismay as he realizes that he's been tussling with Dilandau for no good reason.]

~Just turn around now
'Coz you're not welcome anymore~

[Duo jumps off the table and runs for the stage, pausing only once to punch Folken for pinching his ass, and arrives breathless on the stage as Nuriko and Kurama put their arms around each other and sway back and forth to the song.]

~Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye?~

[As Duo demands the return of the microphone, Heero feels a tap on his shoulder. He looks up to see Saitoh.]

["I believe this is yours?" Saitoh inquires, holding up a paper wad.]

[Characters in a ten foot radius scramble away, sensing an impending brawl. Shinobu and Mitsuru start a new table of odds.]

~Did you think I'd crumble?~

[Kurama and Nuriko steadfastly refuse to surrender the microphone, having far too much fun to take a teenager wearing only a thong seriously.]

[Duo gives in to the inevitable, and worms his way between the two of them.]

~Did you think I'd lay down and die?~

[As the three finish up the chorus, the audience erupts into an all-out brawl.]

~Oh no not I, I will survive~

[Succession techniques, ki blasts, seishi powers, youki, and other attacks fly about at random.]

~For as long as I know how to love, I know I'll stay alive~

[Oblivious to all this, Duo, Kurama, and Nuriko continue singing.]

~I've got all my life to live
And I've got all my love to give~

["I still don't see what this has to do with finals," Jadeite grumbles to Nephrite.]

["Me neither," Nephrite agreed cheerfully. "Duck!" They dodged an errant ki bolt.]

~I'll survive
I will survive~

[Finishing their song, the three on stage eye the audience. "I don't think they were listening to us," Nuriko observed.]

["Um, no," Duo agreed. He paused. "Well, as long as we're up here... Hey, Quatre, got any requests?"]

 

~Owari~

 

Heh... well, it amused me to write it, and I guess that's all that counts these days.

Feedback *always* appreciated, m'friends.