It was only a matter of time, let's put it like that.
Mission: Suburbia (thanks, Top Ace)
Yaoi, AU, OOC, nosy neighbors.
Not mine, don't sue me.
When a Refusal Conversion Just Doesn't Work
Heero lifted the telephone from its cradle. "Hai. Moshi moshi?"
"Hello, this is Belinda, calling from--"
"Are you a telemarketer?"
"No, sir, please let me assure you that I am not selling anything--"
"Are you fundraising?"
"Not at all, sir, if you please, we're conducting an important research study--"
"How do I know you're legitimate?" Heero smirked, he could hear the poor girl already becoming frazzled.
"Well, sir, if you'd just let me explain--"
"Hn." Heero watched Duo wander into the room, a curious statement on his face. With an evil little smirk, he mouthed, "Telemarketer," to his husband. Duo grinned broadly and sprinted to the other room.
"...and we'd really appreciate being able to talk to a member of your household about these issues."
Heero could hear the girl sigh in relief. "First, I need to know if you are at least eighteen years or older."
"Because, sir, in order for our results to be properly sorted, we must speak with adults only."
"Okay... are you a member of this household?"
"Would I be answering the phone otherwise?" Heero snapped.
"I'm sorry sir, it's a matter of procedure that I ask."
The girl launched into an extensive description about the sponsor of the study and his rights as an interviewer. Heero interrupted frequently, asking a number of spurious questions. Finally, she finished, and said, "Now, if I have your permission, we'll proceed."
"Aa." Heero smirked, hearing Duo pick up the other telephone.
"Okay. How would you describe the area you live in? Would you say it is a city, suburban, a small town, or a rural area?"
"All right... how many people, including children under eighteen, live in your household?"
"Hee-chan, you don't have to tell her anything!" Duo interrupted, in his best imitation of Une on a crotchety glasses day.
The girl faltered. "Uh... excuse me?"
Duo continued. "Who are you? What are you doing calling us, this number is unlisted? Is this confidential? Because it's not! Who are you people?!"
"I'm sorry, sir--" The poor girl tried to explain, although Duo barely let her get a word in edgewise.
"Hee-chan, don't tell her anything. And why the hell are you on the phone, anyway? I'm horny, and I'm in bed, and I want you here right now." Duo launched into a vivid description of what, precisely, he'd do with Heero, a set of silk sheets, and a pint of Godiva ice cream.
The girl carried on bravely. "Um, if this is a bad time, is there another time that would be better for me to call again?"
"NO! I'm a horny little bastard, and he's my kitten of love! We're always busy!"
"Sir, this study is very important, and we absolutely need to talk to as many people about their opinions as possible--"
"No. Go away now, please. Hee-chan, five minutes, our room, bring the ice cream."
"Thank you for your time," the girl said weakly, hanging up the telephone.
Heero chuckled to himself. Cruel? Yes, but also terribly gratifying.
A few minutes later, Duo looked up from where he was still chuckling and sprawled across the comforter. "Nani, Heero?"
Heero held up the ice cream. "Don't make promises you don't intend to keep."
Duo merely grinned. "Who said I never intended to keep it?"
Shirley patted Belinda on the head. "Wonderful job, my dear. Here, have a set of binoculars, it makes watching so much easier."
"Thank you, Grandma..." Belinda smiled. "That was fun... although I didn't realize you could do that with a tub of ice cream."
Betty smiled beatifically. "Oh, you'd be amazed by what those boys come up with... come here and watch, you'll get to see them put that ice cream to damn good use."