Heero Are You Queer (SongFic)
By LoneWolf
(kodoku na okami)

COMMENTS: Another fic that's Emily's fault. <g> She got me started on a D&D comedy fic, which made me research early 80's music, which led me to this little ditty by Josie Cotton. I guess the rest is obvious. Lyrics are in square brackets []. Here's an URL if you'd like to hear the song. 80music.about.com/musicperform/80music/library/artist/ra/queer.ram

WARNINGS: yaoi, a bit of angst, AU, OOC


Johnny what's the deal boy
Is your love for real boy
When the lights are low
You never hold me close

They had been dating, if you could call it that, for six months now. "If you could call it that" because Heero never acted like they were on a date. Oh, he was always kind and courteous, holding her chair for her, paying for dinner, dancing like a gentleman and never putting his hands where they didn't belong. He always dressed nice and usually brought her a flower to wear in her hair or on her dress.

But he never kissed her goodnight. Damn it, she thought. He never even held her hand except when they were dancing or crossing the street or something like that.

When they stayed at her house and sat on the sofa watching television, he kept his hands in his lap. His arm never found its way around her shoulder. The only time his hands left his lap was to pick up a bit of popcorn and move it to his mouth or to push the buttons on the remote if she asked him to change the channel or adjust the volume. She snuggled up next to him and he just sat there like a rock.

It wasn't that he ignored her. If she asked a question, he answered. And they had normal conversations, though she did most of the talking. Heero was quiet, and somewhat private, and always polite. She didn't mind. And, in a certain way, she liked his quiet strength. But... Well. It just wasn't right that he could seem so uninterested in her.

She'd started making him pin the flowers on her dress when he picked her up. She'd actually hoped he'd try to cop a feel. Not that she was one of those girls who slept with anything with a penis... Not that she was one of those girls who'd actually slept with anyone. But she really liked kind, quiet, Heero Yuy. She thought about him all the time. And the way those thoughts made her feel. She just couldn't explain it, except that maybe she was in love. She knew she was at least strongly attracted to him. She wanted him to be attracted to her too. Which was why she hoped he'd at least brush his fingers on her shoulder -- or her breast.

He never did. He was expert at the art of slipping the tip of a finger under the fabric and lifting it so the rest of his hand didn't make contact with her skin. Maybe she was lucky he wasn't one of those guys she always heard about but had never met. The kind that had their hands all over you before you knew what was going on. But she was beginning to wonder what Heero really felt for her. Maybe he was just shy. Or maybe he was too gentlemanly to do anything that even hinted at taking advantage of her. Or maybe he wasn't really interested in her, but was too polite to tell her.

She wished he'd give her some indication where they stood.

Now I saw you today boy
Walking with them gay boys
Now you hurt me so
Now I gotta know

Johnny are you queer?

She was walking out of school on her way home. Her three best friends were with her. Then she saw Heero. She froze for a moment -- until her natural sense of proper behavior took over and she moved along. "So, why don't we all go to Sakura's house and do our math homework together?"

"Great." Nanoma said in her usual, chirpy voice. "Sakura's mom always makes the best snacks."

Then came the thing she'd been dreading. "Hey, Relena, isn't that... uh." It was Sakura's voice.

She waited a moment, as long as she properly could, then turned and looked, just as Heero and the other boys went around the corner out of sight. "Isn't that who?" she asked.

"Uh, I just thought I saw Heero, that's all. I think I was wrong, though."

They walked quietly to Sakura's house, which was the opposite direction from the one Heero had been going. That's why Relena had chosen it. She did not like Sakura's mom's snacks. They were always too sweet for her taste. The other three girls were quiet, but she could feel the looks running between them.

She held her composure until she got to the bathroom at Sakura's
house. Then, with the water running in case she sobbed, she looked in the mirror, letting the horror show on her face. It had been Heero and he'd been with... with... And holding hands with... She shuddered. Maybe they were just friends. She could deal with that. Maybe they'd known each other all their lives and were still friends. It would be nice to know Heero was so open-minded. Maybe he wasn't as parochial as he pretended to be with her. Or maybe he just respected her. That made her feel better. She turned off the water and patted the towel to her face before walking out the bathroom door.

"I'm am absolutely positive it was Heero," Sakura said, quietly.

"Yeah," Midori agreed. "And he was with those gay boys. And did you see him holding hands with the one with the long braid?"

"I'm telling you," Sakura started, then broke off, her eyes widening slightly as she saw Relena coming down the hall. "I'm telling you, that math teacher is strange." Nanoma and Midori looked at her, wondering what had brought the sudden shift in the conversation.

"Sakura," Relena said, "your mother always keeps the nicest towels in the guest bathroom." It was true. She may make nasty snacks, but her bathroom linens were impeccable.

"Oh, thanks, Relena." Sakura grinned nervously. "Um, so, let's get to work on that math homework."

The other girls nodded. Relena let them keep their illusion that she hadn't heard them. It saved her the difficulty of dealing with what they'd said. Well, she and Heero were going to the prom tomorrow night. That would give her a chance to find out what was going on and how he felt about her. She hoped so. She was beginning to worry.

'Cause when I see you
Dancing with your friends
I can't help wondering
Where I stand

Heero picked her up promptly at six. He brought a beautiful orchid corsage -- white with blue around the edges that matched her light blue dress. She made him pin it on. He did so with his usual dexterity, never actually touching her skin. That did nothing to soften her concern.

They walked to the school from her house, not holding hands, not touching. She did most of the talking, drawing only an occasional, "Aa," from him until she asked him The Question.

"Do you love me, Heero?"

He looked at her, shocked, maybe a bit afraid, then said gingerly, "I care about you, Relena. I don't want to hurt you."

She weighed the words carefully. They weren't what she'd been hoping for. But if he cared about her, there was hope, right? He had to care about her before he could love her. So, he'd taken that first step. All she had to do was see that he took the next one. She smiled. Then let him usher her into the gymnasium

The dance was wonderful. Heero held her most of the evening, never ungentlemanly, but close. They danced and danced and everything was fine until...

"Hey, Heero, mind if I cut in?"

She looked and found herself being passed to a shortish, blonde boy with lovely blue eyes. She'd seen him somewhere before, but couldn't quite place him. He was nicely dressed and handsome and, in those first few steps, she realized he danced even better than Heero. She smiled and let him move her around the floor for two songs.

She paused, looking around for Heero and finally spotted him, in a corner near the bleachers, hidden from most of the floor, dancing slow and close with a girl with a long braid. What was he doing with her? And who was she anyway? Relena had never seen her around school before. She saw a tall boy take the braided girl from Heero and Heero made his way back to her. "Did you enjoy dancing with Quatre?" Heero asked.

"Yes," Relena said, "but I'd much rather dance with you." She smiled at him and looked over his shoulder, but the tall boy had disappeared, taking the braided girl with him. "Who was that you were dancing with?" she asked, taking him in her arms again.

"Oh, just an old friend," Heero said, his eyes meeting her chin.

She studied him for a moment. She definitely did not like that sudden evasiveness. Her eyes swept the floor again as they danced, spotting the tall boy, and the blonde, and the girl with a braid. Only "she" was wearing a suit -- pointing to the red rose in his lapel and making dancing motions and looking enraptured. "Oh, how kind of you to dance with that boy. I'm sure it must be lonely being one of the queer boys. It must be nice to know that not all straight people think you're strange."

"Yes," Heero sighed. "It... I'm sure it is." They danced for a few minutes longer, then he looked at his watch. "It's almost eleven. I promised I'd have you home."

She nodded. Always the gentleman. But something about the way he'd said "I'm sure it is" bothered her. And the way that queer boy had been acting, as if dancing with Heero had been the best thing in his life. And they way they had been dancing... She felt a faint clutching in the pit of her stomach which didn't go away when Heero dropped her home without a goodnight kiss.

I'm so afraid I'll lose you
If I can't seduce you
Is there something wrong?
Johnny come on strong.

Why are you so weird, boy?
Johnny are you queer boy?
When I make a play
You're pushing me away

Johnny are you queer?

Relena was tired of waiting. She was actually rather worried. In the weeks since the prom, she'd begun to notice the little ways in which Heero failed to express a serious interest in her. Well, in truth, she'd been noticing them for a while, but ever since the dance, she'd begun to notice them more. She'd begun to put them together into a pattern that was unpleasant to say the least.

Tonight she was going to get Heero to make a move. Her parents were out to dinner and a play. Her little brother was sleeping over at a friend's house. She and Heero were going to sit on the couch and watch a movie. That had never gotten any response from him before, but tonight, she'd had Sakura's older brother's copy of "Basic Instinct". She'd heard one of the looser girls at school say that no guy could watch that movie without getting horny for the girl he was with. Tonight, Heero Yuy would find out that he wanted her. She didn't even plan to fight him off if he went beyond kissing her.

Heero arrived at seven on the dot. He said "Hello" and smiled and handed her a long-stemmed, yellow rose. She gushed over it and invited him in and they went to the kitchen where she found a vase for the rose and he made popcorn and fixed large glasses of 7-Up for both of them.

Back in the living room, he picked up the video tape box and looked at it. "'Basic Instinct'?"

"Yes. Sakura's brother said it was a good movie." He had actually said it was very good -- because he'd gotten his girlfriend into bed for the first time the night they'd watched it. "She got it from him for me."

"Oh," Heero said, frowning.

She knew there was something else he wanted to say and almost tried to coax it out of him, but decided she might not want to hear it. Besides, if the movie was a bad as everyone said it was, Heero would forget his queer friends. Relena took the tape from him and put it in the VCR, then settled on the couch, patting the seat next to her. Heero sat on her left, putting the popcorn bowl in his lap and holding her drink for her with his right hand.

An hour and a half later, Relena was beginning to wonder if everyone knew what they were talking about. She found the movie disturbing and exciting at the same time. Heero seemed to find it interesting, but not in the same way. Well, damn it, she wasn't going to get another chance like this anytime soon.

She pulled herself up against him and tried to slide her hand into his lap. Only to find her way blocked by the empty popcorn bowl and his right arm, still holding her glass. She laid her head on his shoulder, rubbing her hand across his chest, down his belly, moving lower -- but the popcorn bowl was in the way again. Sighing, she thought for a moment, then came up with another idea. "Heero?"

He turned to look at her and she pushed herself up to kiss his lips. Oh. It was so sweet to feel his mouth against hers, moving, responding... only he wasn't. It was just her mouth against his immobile lips. She stopped, opening her eyes.

He pulled back gently. "Relena, what are you doing?"

"I... I..." She didn't know what she was doing. Yes she did. She was throwing herself on him trying to seduce him. Was that really what she wanted?

"Relena, I care about you, but... I..."

But he wasn't ready for that yet, she thought, finishing the statement. He respected her too much. He would wait for her until their wedding night. That was it. He was such a gentleman. "Yes," she said. "You're right. I'm sorry."

He smiled at her. "It's OK. I'm glad you understand. We can always be friends." Before she could frown at that he added, "Oh. The movie's over. Let me clean up the kitchen for you."

'Cause when I see you
Dancing with your friends
I can't help wondering
Where I stand

He took the bowl and glasses to the kitchen, leaving her to rewind the tape, and their conversation. She wondered what he had been thinking when she interrupted him. What had he really been planning to say? What did he think she understood?

She kept thinking back to that night at the dance. And the queer boy who'd been dancing with Heero. And how he was "an old friend". And how Heero had said they could "always be friends". It bothered her. She wasn't sure anymore. Part of her insisted that Sakura and Midori were right. That she herself had seen him dancing with that queer boy closer than he danced with her. Was she blind?

And if it was true? If he dumped her for a *boy* the whole school would know she'd been dating a queer. How would she ever live that down? All her understanding of proper behavior couldn't answer that question.

She needed to know. One way or the other, she needed to know if he wanted her or not. Somehow she had to find out. And she knew she was afraid of what she might find.

Johnny you've forsaken
A love you could be takin'
I want to give it to you,
But you never come through

Oh, why are you so weird, boy?
Johnny are you queer boy?
When you asked for a date
I thought that you were straight.

But Johnny are you queer?

She hadn't found an answer yet. She'd been working on it for three weeks, but she still didn't know the proper thing to do when she ran out of time.

She was rushing between classes and decided to take a short cut. She pushed open the door and turned to her right to go down the fire stairs, and found herself looking at Heero and the braided boy, kissing each other. They both looked up at the sound of the door. She saw where Heero's hand rested, gently squeezing the other boy's butt, and the boy's hand up Heero's shirt, and their tongues separating as their mouths parted. She stared at them, disbelieving.

"Uh, Relena," Heero began. The boy slipped his hand out of Heero's shirt and moved to stand beside and slightly behind Heero. Part of her noticed that he was beautiful, with large, violet eyes, a thin, lithe body and an expressive, elfin face. "I'm sorry. I didn't--"

Relena quickly regained her wits. There was a proper way to handle this situation and it didn't involve screaming. "I am late for class right now," she said, her voice cool and calm as propriety demanded. "Both of you," she glared at the braided boy who'd been kissing Heero. "Both of you will meet me after school and we *will* resolve this." Somewhere discreet, she thought. A less proper part of her thought, somewhere she could easily dispose of two bodies.

"In the park," Heero suggested. "The north end of the duck pond."

Her eyes narrowed. "I'm sitting between you two on the bench," she said. They nodded. "And come separately."

"Oh, come on, Relena," the braided boy said, "we've kept this secret from almost everyone for four years. Do you think we're stupid or something?"

She turned the full force of her glare on him. He retreated further behind Heero. He had a point, though. Everyone knew the braided boy was queer, but no one knew he was after Heero. "Very well."

The rest of the day was Hell. As she smiled and laughed and joked with her friends at lunch, she kept thinking about "four years". The whole time they were discussing Japan's invasion of China during World War II in history class, she was seeing Heero and that boy as she'd found them. While her math teacher lectured about linear algebra, she was thinking about her failed attempt to seduce Heero and what it could really mean. And in art class, all she could see was the braided boy sitting on the other side of the room, pencil moving in seemingly random patterns over the paper. She quietly maneuvered herself behind him and looked over his shoulder and silently cursed. He was drawing Heero -- and not just his face -- from memory.

At last, the school day ended. She dumped Sakura and Midori and Nanoma, telling them she was meeting Heero in the park. That drew smiles and knowing looks from them. Her statement was true enough, but she was no longer sure she was going to come out the winner in the upcoming confrontation.

She had only been sitting on the bench for a minute when Heero walked up and sat next to her without saying a word. She looked at him, trying to see something that would tell her what she wanted to know. A moment later, the braided boy appeared and sat beside her, letting her be between them as she'd insisted.

"Relena, this is Duo," Heero said, breaking the silence.

She looked at Duo coolly, a pair of calm, unconcerned violet eyes meeting her gaze. It made her angry that he could be so confident of the outcome of this discussion. She looked around to be sure no one was within earshot and asked The Question. "Heero, do you love me?"

But Johnny are you queer?

Johnny are you queer boy?
Johnny are you queer boy?
Johnny are you queer boy?

Hey Johnny.. Johnny are you.. you know...

"I care about you Relena," he said. "I'm sorry. We never meant to hurt you. I didn't realize what you were thinking until the night you kissed me."

"She kissed you?" Duo hissed, leaning around her to glare at Heero. She saw a darkness running through those lovely eyes that made her realize he wasn't just some limp-wristed little queer boy. He could be dangerous. In more ways than one.

"Duo," Heero said quietly, ignoring the peril in Duo's gaze, "I love you."

Relena's heart sank. Heero cared about her, but he *loved* this... this... *boy*. Composure be damned. There were times when you just had to say what you were feeling. "If you didn't want to hurt me then why the HELL did you play me along? I thought you wanted ME. I thought you were just shy or too polite to make a move. DAMN you Heero Yuy. How am I going to face my friends when they find out you dumped me for this... this... queer boy?"

"Hey!" Duo said.

Heero's eyes narrowed. "Did it ever occur to you that I am 'queer', as you put it?" Relena stared at him in shock. "If I choose a 'queer boy' over an attractive, well-liked girl, doesn't that mean I must be 'queer' too?"

It was as she had feared. He was queer. They'd never had a chance. He'd been using her. The tears came fast and thick, blurring her vision. She didn't notice that it was Duo who collected her against his shoulder and whispered. "We're sorry. Do you know how hard it is to be us? Heero's parents found out and insisted that he get a girlfriend. They thought it would cure him."

"You have a good reputation around school," Heero said. "We thought you would just want a nice guy to date -- someone who wasn't going to try anything." She felt his hand resting on her shoulder. "I never meant to lead you on, Relena."

"And you don't have to break up publicly," Duo said. "Isn't that right, Hee--" Duo caught whatever endearment he was going to add to Heero's name and just ended with "Heero?"

"I'll still take you to on dates, and to the dances if you'll let me, but I would like to get at least one dance with Duo. Quatre or Trowa will cut in, so you aren't alone, and Duo and I will stay out of sight."

"You... you planned that, didn't you?" She sobbed.

"It was our junior prom, Relena," Duo said. "We couldn't not go and we couldn't not dance together. We love each other. How would you have felt if you knew Heero loved you but danced with me all night?"

"He--" No, he didn't. "How can you--" She stopped, and lifted her head, realizing whose shoulder she was crying on. A dozen emotions from hatred to anger to humiliation to sympathy played across her face as she looked at Duo and saw, in those soft, violet eyes, that Duo truly loved Heero. And -- she looked at Heero, but she couldn't deny it -- Heero loved Duo. She had known he didn't really love her that way for weeks now, but she'd deluded herself into thinking there was some last thread of hope...

As the last pieces snicked into place she understood and regained control. "I would have been very upset," she said, calmly.

"Exactly," Heero said, seeing the change in her demeanor. "You understand."

She looked at him, eyes narrowed, a plan forming. "Heero, put your hand on my breast."

"Why you--" She ignored Duo.

"Relena, I--" She grabbed Heero's hand and placed it on her breast. Then slapped him.


It felt good, actually. She slapped him again and threw his hand off of her. "How dare you try to take advantage of me that way, Heero Yuy? I'm not that kind of girl."

"Relena, have you lost--"

She ignored him. "Don't you ever even think of asking me out again!" She slapped him again for good measure. It didn't feel as good this time. Well. She wasn't really angry with him anymore. "You... You... octopus!"

Duo suddenly saw what her plan was and hugged her. "Thank you."

She smirked at Heero, who was staring at them, gaping. "My friends are the gossip queens of the school," she said quietly. "When they spread that story around, it should satisfy your parents and will let me find a real boyfriend."

"We can suggest a few," Duo said, helpfully. "Really. We know some nice, straight guys."

Relena nodded. "And one more thing. You two have to make sure no one finds out until after we graduate next year -- for your sake as well as mine. No more making out in the stairwells. I've heard some of the girls in the bathroom say the basement has a lot of good hiding places."

"Thank you, Relena." Heero smiled. "It is nice to know not all straight people think we're strange. Would you like me to walk you home?"

She snorted. "Hmph. You forget. I'm dumping you. Duo, however, can walk me home."

"What?" Duo looked at her, eyes wide.

"I want to know how you keep your hair from tangling. I always have trouble with mine."

Duo grinned. Heero chuckled.

And Relena smiled -- at first because it was the proper thing to do, but then because she realized that, for the first time, she knew exactly where things stood between her and Heero. It wasn't what she'd hoped for, but now she had two friends where she'd only had one before -- even if they were... queer. Of course, she'd had a queer friend for months without knowing it and he was a nice enough guy. He cared about her -- didn't want to hurt her. That was something. She could either get hung up on him, or she could move on with her life. She chose to move on.

"So, which of your straight friends do you think would make a good boyfriend for me?" she asked Duo.

"Well, you obviously like Japanese boys," Duo said, standing and offering her a hand. "How do you think you'd feel about a Chinese boy?"

"Tell me about him," she said, letting Duo lead her away, leaving Heero sitting on the bench, watching them, bemused. He had a feeling Wufei was about to meet his match.


Yes. Relena gets over it a little too easily at the end. Or does she? She had plenty of warning, and had pretty well reached the conclusion on her own. Maybe.

I just didn't want to totally bastardize the boys, nor did I want her to be unsympathetic. (I'll admit. I sometimes enjoy reading a Relena-finds-out where Relena is a raving mad woman. But that isn't what I wanted to do here.)

Hey. This is an AU Relena. Maybe she isn't as obsessive as the real Relena. <g> Or maybe I think the real Relena would back off if she realized Heero was in love with Duo and not her.

In many ways, this story parallels how I think the characters might have been if the producers had done it openly yaoi. (Of course, I've also eliminated the war, given them all parents, made them fairly normal high school students, etc., but you get the drift.)

Oh, and I actually heard someone say something like that about "Basic Instinct". Scary thought -- I've never seen the movie. <shrug>

I know. Now you're all REALLY scared of the D&D fic is that led me into early 80's music. <evil grin> Go listen to the song. It's kinda cute, actually.