Jungle of Terror
(kodoku na okami)
COMMENTS: This started as a fic for Jungle Week on GWML -- then the Terrible Twosome hopped in with their little hentai minds and -- now it's a crossover of Jungle Week and Kink Week. Thanks to Emily for the snakes and spiders idea. I can't remember who mentioned frogs, but thanks to them too. Say the title like it's one of those B-grade horror movies. <g>
WARNINGS: a serious lack of seriousness, yaoi, hentai, a bit limey
The scream tore through the steamy air and brought three boys to the ready, searching the surrounding foliage for the enemy. Three shots exploded. They dove for cover as birds whooshed from the trees seeking a quieter, safer place to gossip.
"MmMm, MphMm mm MmMmph." (translation: Duo, omae o korosu.)
"Uh, what did you say, Heero?" Duo asked from his perch on Heero's shoulders. One hand brandished a smoking pistol, the other and its arm were wrapped firmly around Heero's head for stability, covering his mouth. Duo moved the hand to Heero's forehead.
"I think it's dead," Heero said acidly.
Trowa's, Quatre's and Wufei's heads appeared from their hiding places among the trees, guns in hands, eyes scanning.
Duo shook his head. "I'm not coming down until someone makes sure."
Wufei spotted the enemy. "Maxwell, you baka," he groused, "It was just a stupid spider." He poked at the remains with a stick. "You're letting your imagination get the better of you."
"Is it dead?" Duo brought his gun to bear on the pile of spider parts, just in case.
"It's obliterated," Quatre said, eyes wide as he examined the carnage.
"Good." Duo climbed down. Heero looked relieved, then brought his hands up in a strangling motion behind Duo's back. "Damn spiders the size of a house. Whose brilliant idea was it to go camping in the Amazon?"
"Yours!" Trowa and Wufei said together. Quatre held his hand over the spider pulp, estimating, then added, "It was only about the size of a saucer, counting the legs." He noted that all three bullets had hit the spider's body in a close cluster. Duo was a good shot, even when he was climbing Heero to escape a spider.
"Saucer, house, they're close. Why didn't someone tell me there would be spiders in the jungle?"
"Hn. Duo no baka!" Heero snatched the gun away from him and flicked on the safety, then grabbed him and kissed him full on the mouth.
Wufei's eyes bulged and he turned away. Trowa and Quatre looked at each other and smiled.
"What was that for?" Duo shouted when he got his mouth back.
"Because you're a baka. Didn't you like it?"
Duo grinned, reaching a hand around Heero's head to pull him close again, only to find himself falling to the ground. THUD! "OW!"
"The boat won't be back for three days," Heero said as he started dragging the two meter long crate again -- he'd insisted on bringing it for some unknown reason -- and made his way into the clearing. "Let's make camp."
Duo glared at him. Then remembered that camp meant tents. And tents meant...
"AIIIIEEEEEE!!! Get it off of me! Get it off of me!" Quatre raced around between the tents, arms flailing at his head. Trowa and Wufei ran from the camp stove they'd been setting up -- and ended up chasing him through the tents.
"Quatre!" Trowa cried, "Stop! We can't help you if you're running around."
"Get it off of me! Get it-- oof!" Quatre tripped over the tent ropes -- Heero's and Duo's -- and went sprawling. The tent collapsed -- except in the middle...
Trowa reached Quatre's side and grabbed him before he could get up and run away again. "What is it?"
"It's on my head! Get it off!"
Wufei glanced at the oddly collapsed tent. It looked like someone sitting up in the middle -- but he'd thought both Yuy and Maxwell...
"Damn! Now we have to get dressed and put the tent back up."
"It'll wait, baka."
"Wha-- Mmmmm, Heero! Yeah, it'll wait. Do that again."
"Ooohh! Yes, that!"
Wufei's nose spurted a thick stream of blood. He passed out.
Trowa finally spotted the large green frog perched in Quatre's hair and grabbed it, throwing it to the edge of the clearing. It looked indignantly at Quatre, then hopped into the leaves.
"I hate frogs," Quatre shuddered, clinging to Trowa for comfort. "They make my skin crawl."
Trowa hugged him briefly and said, "It's gone now." He stood and helped Quatre up.
"Oh! God! Heero! Your ass is so sweet."
"Oooooh! Are you sure they didn't enhance it too?"
"Mmmmmmm, and you aren't even moving. God, I can't wait--"
The support in the middle of the tent raised slightly, then lowered again, drawing small, strangling sounds from Duo.
"Uh..." Quatre looked at Trowa and saw his raised eyebrow. Both looked at Wufei, still unconscious. Quatre slid an arm around Trowa's waist, leading him across the clearing to their tent. "I bet it isn't as sweet as yours," Quatre said, giggling.
Wufei woke a few minutes later, looking around at the empty clearing. "Kisama! This was a stupid idea. Can't you tell the difference between--" He realized he was alone.
Wufei looked at the collapsed tent on his left, the middle support moving slowly up and down, and felt the blood rushing to his head.
He looked to the quaking tent across the clearing.
"Oooohh, Trooooowaaa! Do that again!"
"You mean this?"
His nose spouted again and he passed out.
"ROOOOOOOAAAAAAACCCHHHH!!" BLAM, BLAM, BLAM ... BLAM ... BLAM, BLAM
Duo's and Heero's heads popped out of their still-collapsed tent -- flat in the middle now too. "What was that?" Duo asked.
"Sounded like a jaguar or something."
"I didn't know jaguars carried guns."
"Baka!" Heero began crawling out of the tent, much to Duo's disappointment. Then he saw Heero standing in the clearing naked, looking around and wasn't quite as upset.
"I guess we'd better go check on it," Duo sighed, tossing Heero's clothes out to him. He grinned, "Then can we come back and... erect the tent?"
"Hai!" Heero smirked at him as he pulled on his Spandex shorts.
Duo's head disappeared into the tent. After a moment of movement and rustling tent canvas, he crawled out clad in baggy khaki shorts and shirt, wearing a pith helmet.
Heero shook his head. "Baka. I can't believe you're wearing that." Actually, what he couldn't believe was that, for some strange reason, the sight of Duo in that damn helmet was making him hornier than a herd of 30-point bucks in rut. He stifled a sigh and they started through the dripping trees in the direction of the noise
"Keeping with the spirit of things, y'know. Hey, what's that giant crate you lugged all the way from the river?"
"Just a little protection."
"Little my ass. Naaniiii? Why do you need... you haven't been sleeping around, have you?"
"Baka! Never!" He paused. "Well, never without you. It isn't that kind of protection."
"Well, what-- Hey, Trowa? Are you OK?"
Trowa was shaking, eyes wide with fear as he poked at something on the ground with a very long stick.
Quatre ran up, followed by Wufei. "Trowa, what's wrong?"
"Roach," he said, nudging the grease-pile on the ground.
"Not much of one," Duo said, squatting to take a closer look at the remains among the bullet craters. His position and the loose fabric gave Heero a view straight up his shorts -- revealing that he wasn't wearing any underwear. He glanced up and grinned evilly at Heero.
Damn hentai baka, Heero thought. You're going to pay for that. He smirked.
"It was before I shot it."
"Damn," Duo said. "It looks like this idea was a bust. No one is enjoying this vacation, except maybe Wufei." He looked up at the Chinese boy who merely shook his head and looked disgusted at the whole lot of them.
"You didn't like what we did in the tent?" Heero asked, frowning in disappointment as Duo stood up.
Duo grinned, remembering. "Well..." He saw the look between Trowa and Quatre. "Maybe Wufei is the only one who isn't enjoying this. Just keep the damn spiders and frogs and roaches away. What kind of jungle is this?"
Wufei sighed. They were hopeless.
They were standing around the camp stove in the fading sunlight, debating what to fix for dinner. "Rice and stir fry." Heero insisted. Wufei nodded. "No, I want Thai," Duo said. "Tabouleh!" Quatre shouted. Trowa looked uncertain.
"Rice and--" Heero's gaze locked on the edge of the clearing, frozen for a moment. Then he walked to the crate and began opening the toggles that held it closed.
"Hey," Duo shouted. "Get back over here so we can decide what to eat! I'm hungry after all that fu--" He glanced at Wufei whose face was turning red. "Uh, erecting the tent."
"Aaaaggghhh!" Wufei gargled. At least he didn't bleed this time, Duo thought.
Heero ignored them as he opened the crate lid. Even Duo was quiet now, curiousity getting the better of his mouth. They watched as Heero drew out a very large backpack.
"Uh... Why am I suddenly scared?" Quatre asked.
Then came a too-familiar double-barreled rifle. It was smaller than the original -- only as long as Heero was tall. He set about flipping switches on the backpack.
"Kisama! Tell me that isn't what I think it is," Wufei moaned.
Heero pulled the backpack on.
"Uh, Hee-koi, what are you doing with-- eep!" All four boys dove to the ground as Heero swung the rifle to bear on them. A bright flash of light shot over their heads. They heard the sound of boiling atmosphere and camp stove. Then silence.
Duo poked his head up. "What the hell was that for?"
Heero pointed to the two meter wide crater at the edge of the clearing. "Snake."
"You brought a mini Wing-Zero beam cannon to kill snakes?!?!?" Wufei screamed. "You are all out of your minds!"
"You could have killed us," Quatre snapped.
"I hate snakes," Heero said, cold-soldier. He raised the rifle again, aiming to their left and blasted another crater. "Damn snakes. They just keep coming." He fired again. "And they're getting bigger." He looked worried.
"That does it," Wufei said, pulling out a cell phone. He'd seen the last snake and it was BIG. Things were getting out of control.
"Uh, y'know that won't work in the middle of the Amazon, Wu-chan" Duo pointed out.
Wufei pointed to the other side of the clearing. Duo looked, his eyes grew huge. He raced over to Heero grabbing the rifle. "Give me that!" He blasted his own crater, then separated the two halves of the gun and handed one back to Heero. "Spider. This one was at least as big as a meat platter." He glared at Quatre, who nodded -- that spider had scared him, and *he* didn't suffer from arachnophobia.
"This is Wufei. There's a problem here. We need--" He stomped a thirty centimeter long roach that was scurrying toward Trowa. "We need out. NOW!" He slipped the phone back in his pocket and drew his sword, deflecting and slicing a very large frog before it could land on Quatre.
The beam cannons fired again in rapid succession. This time, four meters
of snake and a square meter of spider were left intact. Trowa and Quatre
blasted away with pistols at the giant roaches and frogs that assaulted
while Wufei's sword sliced at the growing hordes that were about to overwhelm them. The rustling sounds in the trees grew louder and suddenly...
"God," Duo moaned, leaning against Heero as they walked down the sidewalk. "I didn't think we were gonna get out of that vacation alive." He was still wearing his safari outfit, including pith helmet.
"Hn." Heero slipped an arm around Duo, the hand grabbing Duo's ass. Duo didn't object.
"At least we got our money back," Trowa mumbled.
"Yeah, but let's do something safe, next time -- like alligator wrestling," Quatre suggested. "Or..." He grinned at Trowa. "Greek wrestling."
"Good idea," Duo muttered. "Heero, next time I want an adventurous vacation, just tie me to the bed and screw me silly."
"Maybe we should go skydiving without parachutes next time," Duo said, looking at Heero.
"Duo, when we get home, I'm going to tie you to the bed and screw you silly." Heero squeezed his ass. "And you're going to wear that damn helmet until I'm done."
Duo blinked. He looked up at the brim of the pith helmet on his head. He looked at Heero, catching the hentai gleam in his eyes. He looked at Heero's Spandex, noticing the bulge that was defying Spandex Space's ability to hide things. He grinned. "I can't wait," he said, trying to think of more exciting vacation ideas. "Can we try the kitchen table when I bring up deep sea diving without SCUBA gear?"
"Nai!" Duo looked disappointed until he saw the evil look on Heero's face. "I'll cut a hole in your jeans, tie you in front of me on the motorcycle and screw you silly as we drive around town when you suggest that."
Duo's eyes grew very wide, almost as wide as the silly grin on his face. "Did I say skydiving?"
Wufei, desperate to avoid a nosebleed shouted, "I cannot believe you four acted like such ONNA's back there!" Please, Nataku, I'll polish your armor if you make them change the topic.
"The VR system had some bugs," Heero said.
"DON'T MENTION BUGS!" Duo and Trowa shouted.
Heero, of course, had had a long conversation with the programmers, involving several repetitions of "BAKA!", "Omae o korosu" and other less pleasant things involving the computer hardware and various parts of their anatomy. "The--" Heero looked at Duo and Trowa. "--defects fed on our fears and made us think they were real."
"Not mine." Wufei snorted. "Weak! You're all weak! They were just figments of your imaginations. They couldn't hurt you. If you had kept your heads about you there would have been no-- AAAGGGH!!" Wufei's sword appeared as if from nowhere and sliced through the air in a series of rapid blows, sending the other boys scuttling away from him. After a moment, he stopped, panting, then resumed his normal, composed stance and drew out a cloth to wipe the blade. He saw the others staring at him. "What? That was REAL!"
"But Wufei," Quatre said, "It was only a love bug."