(kodoku na okami)
COMMENTS: This is the third in the series begun by "Dissatisfaction" and continued in "Disaffection". "Disillusionment" picks up immediately after "Disaffection" and covers about a week thereafter.
BGM: "Once In A Lifetime" (again) from Sarah Brightman's album "Dive", especially the bridge forward.
WARNINGS: If you made it through "Disaffection", "Disillusionment" will be a walk in the park -- an overgrown park infested with strangler vines, killer trees and carnivorous grass -- at midnight -- but that's a lot nicer than "Disaffection" IMO. Lots of profanity.
New room application. I'm glad they have these on the school's net so I don't have to go to the office after what happened. Hell, I can't even stand the thought of going to class today. I hope they have another room I can go to. I don't think I can stand another night in here with Duo after he -- raped me.
That's what happened, isn't it? I woke up and found him bouncing up and down on me trying to get off like I was some kind of sex toy he was using to please himself. Damn that son of a bitch. He took the special thing and made it into something obscene. Damn him. Damn him to Hell.
And double damn Duo for bleeding on me. Shit. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt him, make him bleed, especially when we were making love. Making love to him was the one thing I ever did in my life that wasn't somehow part of killing, destroying or completing a mission. Then he had to go and turn even that into hurting.
He ruined everything. Damn him! Why did he have to go ruin everything? Why? I thought we had something special, something precious, and then that. He made me feel contaminated, polluted, sordid.
I still do.
It only took a minute in the shower wash off the blood and sex I could see, but it took another hour of scalding water before I felt that maybe, maybe just a little bit of the defilement had been washed away. Enough that I could breathe again without feeling like I was going to puke. Shit, I feel awful.
It wasn't love. It was sex. That's the answer, isn't it? He showed me it was simply, senseless, selfish sex, like any two animals given the right combination of hormones and scent. That's all *we* were to him, just a quick thrill to satisfy the urge and then, on to the next thing, whatever that was. I was just his fucking sex toy.
Damn him. Damn him. Damn that heartless bastard.
I was trying to apologize for the argument in the most special way I knew how. It was such a stupid thing to argue about. He was right about it. Damn if he didn't make me feel like a whore for it. Shit, I even bled for him, trying to make him feel good and let him know how much I cared for him. I hurt myself just to let him know I was sorry, that I loved him.
Raped him? He's out of his fucking mind. I'm the one who got his ass ripped open, not him. You think I would have done that for just anyone, Heero Yuy? You think I ever willingly turned up my ass for anyone before you? You're wrong, damn you. You were the first person I *gave* myself to. I did that because I loved you. Yeah. I loved you, do you hear that? Past tense, bastard.
And don't try to tell me you didn't enjoy it, you sick fuck. I heard you moaning. I felt you come inside me. I saw your face when you did it. You enjoyed it as much as anything we'd ever done before. Then you pretend to wake up and you throw me off of you like I'm some rag you use to soak up the mess? You can fake an orgasm when youre the asshole, but not when youre the dick, you son of a bitch.
Damn, I'm such an asshole. Thinking Mr. Perfect Bastard Soldier could love me. Hell, he doesn't even care if I live or die. I'm just a good, quick fuck when he needs it and when he doesn't I'm just his little whore to be put on the shelf. Well fuck him. Fuck him.
That's what I should have done. I should have fucked his ass raw and bloody. Then he'd have been right saying he'd been raped. That's it. I should've shown him what it's like to be raped. Been there. Done that. You don't have a clue what you're talking about, shithead.
Damn I need a shower. I feel awful, bloody, shitty, sore.
Those are easy to take care of.
How do I wash *him* out of me?
Shit. No other rooms available. Stuck with him. Damn. Now I'll have to stay awake at night to make sure the little bastard doesn't try to rape me again. I can see it now. Just as soon as he's sure I'm asleep he'll be back on top of me again trying to please himself and to Hell with what I want. This time he might even go for my ass so he can make me bleed. You may have enjoyed it Duo, but I sure as Hell didn't.
Damn. I can't stay awake twenty-four hours a day forever. I'll have to find some way to make sure he can't do anything to me. I'll have to start sleeping in Spandex again, I guess. If he tries to take that off I'd wake up for sure. That should work. It will take some getting used to, though. I've been sleeping naked except for him and the sheets for so long. What, only four months? It seems like I've never known anything else.
Damn you Duo. Why did you have to go and tear everything apart? It was so sweet to wake up with you there beside me or in my arms. You were always so warm. You always looked so beautiful, laying there, asleep. You forgot the war and the killing and Shinigami and were a child again. And when you opened your eyes and saw me there. There was nothing in the world I wouldn't do for that moment. I always woke up before you simply so I could be looking when you woke up and saw me and were, for one instant, innocent and happy. And then you would say something or do something knowing where it would lead, but making it seem like a chance thing. And that pretend innocence -- fake though we both knew it was -- that's one of the things that made the sex feel so good.
But that's all it was, wasn't it. Just fake. No innocence. Just sex. No love. Just a good fuck for you. No me. How many others have you done this to? How many times have you played other people like this and left them hurting or dead inside when you got tired of them or they wouldn't play your sick games?
Shit. It's over. Back to sleeping alone for you, Yuy.
Damn him. I wonder if I can trust him on a mission anymore. Hell no. Not if he'd rape me in my own bed. He's probably waiting for a chance to shoot me in the back. I'll have to be careful around him.
Fuck. I'd hoped he would get a different room. Fucking school is too full. Maybe I should kill a couple of students in one of the other dorms so there'll be an extra room. That would give him a place to go. It would be exactly the kind of solution he'd suggest. I might do it just so I don't have to lay in the room knowing he's over in the other bed ignoring me and thinking what a shitty little slut I am. The self-righteous bastard. He *hurt* me.
At least my ass isn't bleeding anymore, but damn I'm sore. Never again. I'm never gonna take it in the ass again without stretching it out first. Shit, it hurts every time I move.
Hell, I'll be lucky to get anything anytime soon. With him in the room it isn't like I can go find another lover -- guy or girl. He's always here. I'd never get any privacy. It would be a waste of time to try. I'll just have to get over him alone. Besides, even if I did find someone else, they'd never last. I'd compare them to him once and would hate them.
He was so perfect. I loved waking up with his lips on mine. Who would've thought that the Perfect Soldier could be such a kind, gentle, passionate lover? And I'm not talking about the sex. That was great, but it was all the little things he did that let me know he cared, like calling me "Duo-koi". God, I loved it when he called me that. Or when he said I was his -- and I knew that was all I wanted to be. Those eyes. Who wouldn't die for the chance to wake up to those gorgeous, blue eyes every morning? Hell, just one morning. His body, hard and yielding, strong and tender. Oh, God, I love him.
Past tense, Duo. You're never gonna get another chance at that you idiot. Move on and get over it. He's out of bounds and bad news besides.
Well, he's gonna hafta find a new asshole to fuck after the way he treated me. I'll be damned if I go back to him. I'd rather take Wing's beam sabre up my ass than him. The shit. The bastard.
Hell, with my luck and his sadistic sense of humor, he'll probably try that. Or he'll try to kill me in my sleep. No. He won't bother waiting until I'm asleep. I'll walk in the door one day when he's thoroughly pissed off at everyone and "Omae o korosu." BANG! Time to meet the real Shinigami, Duo. Hope you just got back from confession.
Or more likely hope not. Hope you rot in the Hellward side of Purgatory for a few thousand years before you move up the first step.
Or more likely just hope you rot in Hell.
Damn! I left my gun in the room. Shit.
Shit, Duo! Why do you have to lay there bare-assed like that? Damn you! You think you can get me to come back to you if you tempt me enough? Or maybe you want it that way. Are you trying to get me to want it so bad that I'll rape *you*? Is that what you want? Will it make you feel better? Is that what you hoped for all along? Rough, bloody and painful, like the war? Is that what you always wanted?
Damn, you're beautiful.
Thinking about that is useless. Meaningless because you don't give a damn. We didn't love each other. We lusted each other. Like a pair of dogs in heat. I can't live with a relationship like that. If it's just sex, just a release, I can do that myself with a Hell of a lot fewer complications than you brought into my life. If I'm going to put up with all the shit another person brings, I need something to make it worth my while. I need more than a quick release, I need I don't know what I need. More.
This way is safer, even if it hurts like Hell. I don't have to worry about compromising a mission because I might try to help you. We take care of ourselves, now. That's how it should be. Otherwise one of us might blow the mission by doing something stupid to save the other. We were sent here individually. We weren't supposed to team up like this. We sure as Hell weren't supposed to fall into bed together like we did.
Damn. Forget it. It was nothing. It doesn't matter. Think about what does matter.
The mission. Stay focussed on the mission. Right now the mission is hiding. Blending in. Tomorrow, maybe the mission will be something meaningful, like destroying a supply depot. Stay focussed on the mission. That's all that matters now.
I know you're staring at my ass. I can feel your eyes on me. You think you want a piece of it? You think you can take it? Just try it, bastard. I've got a bullet with your name written on it. It's right here in the gun under my pillow. Just try it and I'll blow a hole in your chest the size of your fucking ego. Yeah, it's explosive-tip, just for you. I'm not fucking around this time. It hits you center-of-mass and you're an instant window, you shit.
Hell, Duo. Time was you'd have begged him for it. Time was you wanted him inside you and you inside of him and would have done anything he asked to get it. Time was you'd have teased him and the two of you would have made love to each other until neither one of you could come again and then you'd have laid together and held each other and enjoyed the smell of each other and sweat and sex.
Shit. You're still begging for it, laying here naked like this, ass wagging in the air like a red flag in front of an angry bull. You're just begging him to come take your sweet little ass and fuck it until he's had all he wants, and to Hell with whatever you say. Whore! He was right.
Damn. Why did I have to go mess it up? We were perfect together.
That's a lie. We were perfect in bed. That's all we ever really did -- make love and sleep together. But we did it so well. Too bad the real world had to intrude. Too bad we couldn't have spent our lives in bed making love and holding each other and sleeping in each other's arms.
Fuck. Now I'm getting hard just thinking about it. So much for getting a pair of shorts to cover my ass. I can't walk across to the dresser like this or he'll know what I've been thinking about. Hell, I can't even turn over to pull down the sheet and get under it. If he saw me like this it would probably just make him madder. Maybe mad enough to kill me.
Duo, you are one stupid bastard. And you still want that cold bastard Heero Yuy for some sick reason. Ha! Two bastards. A match made in Hell. Get over him. You were just fucking each other. It wasn't really love. Was it? Just fucking fucking.
At least you've stopped prancing around the room naked. I don't need you reminding me of what we lost. Damn, Duo, why couldn't you just let it be good like it was? Because you thought you could apologize by--?
Well, maybe you didn't exactly rape me. That wasn't what you were trying to do. Maybe that makes it something else.
But was waking up coming into your bleeding ass really what you thought I wanted? Did you think I would enjoy having your blood on me?
I did. Not the blood, but the rest. That's what makes it so bad. That's what scares me. What kind of monster am I that I could enjoy you when you were hurting? And you know I did. What kind of monster do you think I am? I can imagine.
Oh, damn, Duo. Why couldn't you find another way to apologize? Why couldn't you open that damn big mouth of yours and just say you were sorry? Hell, you run your mouth all the time. Or used to. Youve been quiet since that morning.
Are you angry? Ashamed? Hurt? Why can't you talk to me without the sex? Why can't you just talk to me? What's wrong with us that we can't talk like two normal people without all the entanglements?
Because we're not. We're not normal people. We're too-young soldiers caught up in a war and scared to death looking for whatever we can find that's worth holding on to. We found each other.
Damn! Forget it, Yuy. It isn't worth it. Not anymore. Just forget it. Be glad he isn't talking. It would make you remember too much. Just forget it.
Shit! It hurts!
Damn, I hate this. You sitting there pretending to ignore me. Me laying here pretending to ignore you. And we both know we're both thinking about each other. Damn, Duo. Why'd you have to do it? You made it cheap, dirty, painful, disgusting.
Maybe he's right.
Maybe you did rape him.
Maybe you are a whore.
No. No. You're just an idiot. A big fucking idiot.
Damn, Heero. I'm sorry. I fucked up bad and dragged you down to the bottom of the hole with me. I wish we could make up and pick up where we were before. I wish we could be lovers again.
No, I don't. After this week, much as I want you, I can't stand the thought of sleeping with you again. In the past is one thing. Yeah, the past was good. The past was perfect. But we can't go back there and we can't go forward like that again. I might fuck up again and really mess you up. God, I wish we could go back to the past and forget that one stupid mistake and not make it.
There's no return to Eden. That's what Sister Helen always said when I fu-- uh -- screwed up big time. But I don't want to spend the rest of my life ignoring you either.
Damn, Duo. How are you going to find your way out of this hole? You've always improvised your way out of them before. But the hole was never this deep, never this dark, and it never involved Heero like this. If you try to dig out and screw up, you'll bury both of you at the bottom under a ton of shit.
You still care about him.
Duo no baka.
Steamed rice. Stir-fried chicken and vegetables. Water. Basic food. It had been good, this past week, to get back to basic food. Duo's eating habits were as eclectic as his music preferences, two of the many ways Heero had let Duo influence him in the past few months -- two of too many. Ever since he'd let Duo convince him that they loved each other he'd been changing into someone more like Duo than himself. That had been the biggest mistake -- letting Duo convince him that they loved each other. Now, everything was coming clear again. His body felt better to be back on the simple food. His mind felt better to be back in the simple mode of trusting only himself and performing the mission at hand and nothing else.
Damn! He'd thought he'd been clear enough that morning -- and every day and night since. They hadn't said a word to each other in the week since Duo had that, whatever it had been. He'd thought Duo had understood. He didn't want to talk to him. It hurt too much.
Duo's tray landed on the table across from him. Steamed rice. Stir-fried chicken and vegetables. Water. Damn! Was Duo mocking him?
Duo sat down, his face coming into the periphery of Heero's vision.
Damn, he's beautiful, Heero thought. Shit! He didn't want to think about him that way. That was the old way. It just reminded him of what he'd lost.
"Anou, Heero we need to talk."
That tentative, almost-child voice that he used when he woke up and wanted to make love. No, have sex. "Hn." Heero had done all the talking he intended to do.
"Oi, Heero, I don't want us to end like this."
Duo wasn't touching his food. Usually he attacked it before he got to the table and didn't stop until it was gone.
"There was no us. Just you and sex and me and sex. No us." In the edge of his vision he saw Duo wince. He'd hit home with that statement. He'd wanted to hurt Duo so he'd leave him alone. It made him feel bad that he'd tried. It made him feel worse that he'd succeeded.
"That isn't what I mean. I just don't want us to end up hating each other. I mean, I get so angry with you sometimes and I start thinking about ways to get back at you and it scares me. Some of the things I've thought and almost meant -- they make me sick. God, Heero, do you know how many times I almost killed you?"
No. He hadn't known. It surprised him enough that he actually looked at Duo.
"I don't want to hate you," Duo continued. "Hell, we may have to save each others lives some time. I don't want to wonder if you can depend on me in a tight spot, Heero -- or if I can count on you to pull my ass out of the fire."
"I will never jeopardize a mission."
"Ummm, does that mean you'll save me if I'm about to get killed or not?"
He had to stay professional about this. He couldn't let feelings get in the way. That was what had happened before. "If it would put the mission at risk, yes."
"Yeah. That's what I thought. That's what I mean, dammit. I can't depend on you. I can't trust you. And if I can't trust you, I can't fight with you, orders or no orders."
Heero felt the pressure building up inside him. Refuse orders? How could he say that? All that mattered now were the orders and the missions. He wanted to scream and strangle some sense into Duo. Instead, he turned it inward, letting the keening note shrill itself into his mind until it faded to a faint whisper.
"What do you want from me Duo?"
Duo ignored the ice in his voice. "I want us to be friends." He put his hands up as if he expected a blow. "I'm not asking for, uh, like it was before. I pulled us together too fast. I should have been patient. We both lost something that could have been perfect. I just I want to see you sometimes. And I want to talk with you. Stuff like that. Friends."
"You see me every day. You talk all the time." Except he hadn't said a word to Heero for a week, and some part of Heero knew that wasn't right and missed it. That was the unprofessional part he was trying to eliminate.
"Heero." Duo cursed himself for whining. "You know that isn't what I mean. Look, let me do your laundry again, OK? I don't mind. And I need you to help me with my homework. Pre-calc is such a bitch, but you always know how to make me understand all those silly numbers and symbols. I can give you rides into town when you need stuff or to Wi--" he caught the word as a group of students walked past them. "Uh, y'know. And we can go on walks or to the beach to play volleyball. We can eat lunch together sometimes. We can say 'Hello' when we see each other in the halls. I just want to try to get things back to where they were before I fucked it all up by trying to make us something we weren't ready to be. I know we can't be lovers again. OK? I fucked up. But can we please be friends?"
Heero looked at him, appraising. He was serious. Rambling on at the mouth as usual, but he meant every word of it. Even the part about it being his fault, not Heero's. That hurt worst. Duo had tugged the first time they made love, but Heero knew he hadn't been dragged into the bed against his will. Even a week ago, it had been pleasure until he saw the blood and realized what Duo had done to himself -- to them. And they did have some good times in the past, even before they became lovers.
He knew he wanted it as badly as Duo did. He could control this. He could keep this on the right level. They would be comrades-in-arms, nothing more. "Ryoukai." He said, softly.
"Please, Heero. Just-- Naaniiii? You said "
Once, the astonishment on Duo's face would have made him smile that secret smile only Duo saw. Only Duo had been able to draw it out. It was painful now. He simply nodded and said, "Ryoukai," again. "It was fun, but--"
"Yeah." Duo sighed. "I know. I broke it. I'm sorry."
Heero glared at him for interrupting. "It was fun, but we broke it." They needed to move past the accusations and work toward this new thing Duo had found for them. That was the professional thing to do.
"Thanks, Heero." He smiled. It was a faint ghost of his usual grin, but it was the first time Heero had seen anything like it for too long. Duo set about devouring his lunch.
Heero was only half-way through his meal when Duo finished. After three and a half minutes of silence, Heero looked up to find Duo watching him. "Nani?"
"I, uh, need a hand with Chemistry tonight if you have time?"
Heero shook his head and pointed at his tray. "Steamed rice. Stir-fried chicken and vegetables. Water." Basic food.
Duo looked at him, a hint of conspiracy lighting his eyes. Heero had never understood how one person could be a conspiracy, but Duo always pulled it off somehow. "Ummmm, beef?"
Heero frowned the tiny frown and shook his head. "Beef." It was close enough, and a little variety wouldn't hurt.