Erm...ok, I'm nervous about this one, it's been a while since I wrote a fic like this, and I hope it turned out ok. It's still very much a work in progress. C&C is needed, very much!
Warnings: Yaoi. Angst. Slightly limey in flavor (though VERY VERY VERY slightly, since I suck at that kind of stuff). EXTREME sap. Badly written extreme sap, to be more precise. Characters wildly OOC. Bad attempt at first person writing. Part two forthcoming.
A little about the song: Yundah is a celtic song that can be alternately titled "Sealwoman." That refers the mythical animals/people known as selkies, which are seals that take the forms of human when the moon is full by taking off their seal skins. ;) There are legends about Selkie women going to shore, and falling in love with humans, who they can't stay with because they must return to the sea. The song is very beautiful. I got it off of my "Celtic Voices" CD, and it's sung by Mary McLaughlin. ^^ I just found it appropriate to the story. Don't ask me why.
Read, maybe enjoy just a little, and please don't kill me if it sucks!
Katsu "O-ka-ne" no Miko
"Erst wenn die Wolken schlafen gehen
kann man uns am Himmel sehen
wir haben Angst und sind allein...
Gott weiss ich wil kein Engel sein..." (~Ramms+ein~)
AC 198 (exactly three years after the Gundam Boys first come to earth)
I used to hate the ocean.
As I look back on it now, it is impossible for me to explain why. Then, I was always so determined to be logical and cold, yet I never had a truly good reason for my hatred of the ocean. It was deep, dark, and unstable; constantly ebbing and flowing according to influence of logical, outside events, yet it somehow managed to always maintain a deep mystery that I couldnt understand. It was too big, too changing for me to grasp with my mind. There are some things that you can only truly appreciate with your heart. I think it frightened me, though I didnt want to admit it.
Or perhaps, then, I didnt understand what fear was, what any emotion was.
Duo always loved the ocean, perhaps for exactly the reasons that I hated it. Maybe it was because he was so much like the ocean, constantly in motion, but with hidden, still depths that no one would ever be able to reach.
And, like the ocean, he was always beautiful, no matter what mood he was in or what happened to him.
I couldnt understand that beauty.
[Over the waves you call to me
Shadow of dream, ancient mystery]
I found him at the edge of the ocean, sitting on one of the huge basalt rocks that guarded the beach. It was a tall rock; by the time I had gained the top, the beach had retreated until the waves lapping up against it looked tiny and unreal. Without asking for permission, because I knew that he wouldnt mind, I sat down beside him at the edge of the rock, overlooking the sea. The dark basalt radiated warmth, pushing away the slight chill of the early fall air.
For a long time, we sat in silence and simply stared out at the water, watching the tide come in. Duo hadnt even turned to look at me as I sat down beside him; he just looked out to where the water met the horizon, arms clasped loosely around his legs, chin resting on his knees. The sun was setting. The sky looked like it was fire, lapping along the surface of the darkening water of the ocean.
For once, I was the one that broke the silence. What are you looking for?
Duo snorted softly. Im looking for a lot of things, Heero but later. Hold on a second and just watch they should be coming any minute.
[Oh how I long for your sweet caress]
It was strange that he was so quiet, but I really didnt think about it. Instead, I did what he told me, and turned my gaze back out across the ocean. For a long time, there was nothing, just the steady movement of the waves and then, by the horizon, the water broke, and several quicksilver shapes darted out, up, then back down into the water. They almost shone in the dying light as they resurfaced again, skipping across the surface of the water in movements that were the closest thing to joy that Ive seen in a long time.
We watched them together until they had disappeared into the horizon. I glanced at Duo. He was smiling, not that usual unhinged grin of his, but a soft, secret smile, like he had just seen something too beautiful to describe or share.
But he had shared it with me. And I didnt understand.
Do you know what they were, Heero? he asked softly.
Dolphins. Duo suddenly grinned. The sky had fallen from orange to red, dyeing his hair to a shade of rich copper. For one short, insane moment, I wanted to touch it, to feel the full strands beneath my fingers and see if they were truly as soft as they looked, or if it was just a metal illusion. A pod of dolphins.
[Oh how I long for your gentleness]
I clenched my hands into fists. Duo has made me feel strange things for a long time, ever since I met him. Perhaps the strangest thing of all was that he made me feel something to begin with. Duo was the only one that could do that, make me feel something that wasnt hate or anger, or an emotion that belonged in the war. During the fighting, I didnt know what to do. I wasnt sure what I should do; he made cracks in my face as the perfect soldier. Soldiers dont feel anything. Sometimes, I wondered if I should kill him, as he seemed to be a threat to my mission because he made me question myself. But I couldnt do it. I couldnt even make myself try.
He made me unsure.
I tried to hate him for it, for the longest time, but again, I failed at that. Duo was almost like a parasite to me, something that got under my skin and couldnt be removed, and drained my strength.
Then I stopped fighting him, and accepted that he was a part of me. He was no longer a parasite, then. He became a source of strength. I had been trained to see other humans as either threats or useless. It was strange to find that there were many, Duo foremost of all, that were something else entirely.
I had never had a friend before.
[Torn between sea mists and solid land]
Now I had Duo. The war was over, so perhaps I could afford that weakness. But still, I was unsure. I didnt know if I could ever truly understand what Duo made me feel.
It was like the ocean. I was afraid. So I shut my eyes to it.
I looked over at Duo again. It was strange for him to be so quiet. Normally, I didnt truly listen to what he said unless something in the flood of words he surrounded himself with caught my ear. His monologue was like soft, comforting white noise that was always with me. Now that I was bereft of it, I wasnt sure what to do. I was lost in my own silence. A nice irony.
I thought dolphins were extinct. Was all I could say.
[Nights when Ive ached for a human hand]
Duo was looking back at me, his violet eyes still shining with the secret pleasure that hed found in the dolphins. Thats what everyone thought. But dolphins are smart. They hid where it was safe until we were done fighting.
That didnt make a great deal of sense to me, and I had to say so. Theyre animals.
Duo continued to smile. So?
Animals arent as intelligent as humans.
Duo actually laughed. Let me lay this out for you. They spend all of their time swimming around in the ocean, eating whenever they feel like it. No rules, no clocks, no schedules. They take care of the members of their pod. They dont fight wars. He flicked his fingers at the ocean. Yeah, sounds like they arent as smart as people, all right.
Did you know that dolphins are the only animals other than humans that have sex for recreational purposes? Duo grinned at me. I think that right there shows theyre pretty damn smart.
Baka. You would.
They dont have technology like us. They dont have the need to change their environment or force others to bend to their will like humans do. They live in the moment, like every instant is their first and their last.
That sounded like Duo, living as if each moment were new. After Id learned to look past his constant, inane chatter and begun to truly think about him, Id found it strange that he called himself the God of Death. Nothing could have been further from the truth, I thought. Duo was life incarnate. I looked back over to the horizon. It was almost completely dark, now. The full moon was rising.
[Ill come to you when the moon shines bright]
Once again, there was silence between us. The only sound I could hear was the crashing of the waves against the base of the rock. I looked down. The tide is coming in.
Yeah. I know.
I checked behind us. Its already covered the base of the rock.
Duo shrugged. Go if you want. I dont feel like getting my feet wet, so I think Ill just stay here until the tide goes back out.
That will be in the morning.
So? Duo laughed. The rocks warm. Its a beautiful night out. I was thinking about just staying here and watching the stars. No need to go back inside right now. I dont have anything urgent to do.
My voice sounded strange to my own ears. What? No flight home? Id been surprised to find that Duo was back on earth. Id thought that hed found contentment on his home colony.
Thats not my home. This is. Duo grinned. It took me a little while to figure that out but I cant leave here again.
Unaccountably, I felt relieved. We lapsed back into silence.
Duo turned his face into his knees. One of his hands crept along the rock until it encountered mine, and he wrapped his fingers around my hand. Briefly, I stopped breathing. Duo had never touched me quite like that before; it had always just been casual brushes, or the occasional lean against my shoulder. My stomach contracted, almost painfully, like I was afraid but somehow, I wasnt.
You know I love you, right? Duo asked, his voice muffled.
[But I must go free with the first streak of light]
For one long moment, I was frozen with shock. Truthfully, I wasnt even sure what love was. It was a feeling that was too foreign to me. But somehow somehow Aa. I said, quietly.
Duo squeezed my hand, softly. I know you love me, Heero. I tried to speak, to deny, or dissemble, Im not sure which. Duo squeezed my hand again, silencing me. And I also know that you dont understand it and arent sure what youre feeling. So Im not going to ask you to say anything. And Im not going to ask you to act on anything, because I dont think you understand how. It wouldnt be fair. Duo looked up and smiled. His eyes were shining in the light of the moon; I couldnt tell if it was tears or not.
I was too shocked to say anything as he got to his knees and half crawled over the short space to me, moving closer until his nose was nearly touching mine. I want you to be happy. He said, very quietly.
I found it hard to think. Im not sure I know how.
[Over the waves you call to me]
He laughed, and his breath puffed softly over my lips. When you find out, will you come and tell me, so I know youre ok?
Wont you be there? I asked. My stomach was twisting itself into knots.
No. Duo said firmly. I cant wait that long, Heero. I wish I could, but I just dont have enough time. I wish I did. his eyes smiled sadly at me. Do you know what life is?
I opened my mouth, and he spoke before I could say anything.
No, he said, It isnt that. Thats another thing youre going to have to find out. His lips brushed softly against mine, and I froze. I want you to understand. Then he kissed me.
[Shadow of dream ancient mystery]
Ive never been kissed before, so it was clumsy, and we bumped noses. Duo laughed, I growled. When he kissed me again, it was much better. His lips were soft against mine. When he pulled away, I leaned forward to try to stop him from escaping, but he stopped me with a hand against my chest. His other hand caressed my cheek gently. You know, he said, I sometimes wish that I could take Doctor J and whoever else it was that beat your soul into hiding, and kill them. He was perfectly serious, and his thumb kept stroking my cheekbone, over and over. Youre very beautiful.
I snorted softly. Boys were not beautiful.
You are. he insisted. Even if you try to pretend not to be so that you wont get hurt over it again. Some day, maybe youll admit it. Then he kissed me again.
I let him push me back until I was laying down with my back against the warm basalt of the rock. The moon was very bright overhead. Surrounded by the salt tasting ocean air and the quiet rush of the water, I drowned in him.
[Oh how I long for your sweet caress]
Later, when we were both laying spent on the warm rock, I looked over at Duo. Why?
I already told you. I love you. Duo smiled at me. He was beautiful in the moonlight. Id pulled the tie out of his hair, and it covered part of the rock and fell in front of his face. It was, indeed, as soft as it looked.
I wanted to say that I loved him too, but I couldnt. I just couldnt. Instead, I reached out and touched his cheek with the tips of my fingers. The cool night air brushed over me, drying the sweat off of my bare chest.
Promise me something?
Duo looked at me earnestly, all of the normal humor fading from his eyes. Promise me that youll find happiness, no matter what.
Dont question me. Just promise. Duos voice was uncharacteristically sharp. He glared at me, a very odd expression for him, and after a token resistance, I nodded. He suddenly smiled again. Good.
I dont know why you made me promise something silly like that. I said. Hed already said that he wasnt leaving, that the earth was his home now.
Its not silly. He grimaced. Can you say you love me? Can you even understand?
I glared mutely at him. He always asked stupid questions. At least that was what I thought, then.
Duo reached out and pulled me toward him until we were nestled in each others arms. I stiffened in his embrace, halfway angered by how he was refusing to say anything concrete. He always did insist on being mysterious. Duo rubbed my back with one hand until I relaxed. Thats why I made you promise. Heero Yuy, the Perfect Soldier, would never break a promise.
I could always start. I said.
Duo shook his head an odd expression on his face. I dont think so. Youll do your best, and I know you dont give up. Thats one of the things I love about you the most.
I was beginning to get frustrated. Do you think you really know me?
He should have gotten angry. That was what Id been hoping for. Hed done so many things that night that I didnt understand, it was frightening me, and that made me angry. I didnt like losing control of what was happening, and I didnt like losing control of myself. Anger, I could understand. But he didnt get angry. He just smiled at me, that damn stupid grin of his. I hope so. I know you well enough to love everything about you. I love you enough that I can let you go if I have to.
[Oh how I long for your gentleness]
That was the last time I ever saw Duo.
I never realized it until much, much later, but that was his way of saying goodbye.