I-25 Will Never Be The Same

or

Chang Wufei's Day Behind the Wheel

A little vidficcy to "Bad Habit" by the Offspring

by KnM
proud graduate of the Chang Wufei School of Defensive Driving

Featuring:

Chang Wufei AS the driver (da da daaaaaaaa!!!)

and

Duo Maxwell AS the passenger (that poor sucker!)

---

[Hey man you know I'm really okay
The gun in my hand will tell you the same]

We open on a quiet neighborhood in the suburbs of Denver, Colorado. It's a beautiful, peaceful day, the children are playing and the birds are singing, unaware of the monster that it about to be unleashed...

Center in on a two story house...Duo and Wufei walk out of the front door. There's a car parked in the driveway; it's a cherry red 1957 Chevy V-8 convertible with a large, black dragon painted on the hood; the Wufei mobile. Wufei and Duo go over to the car. They throw their things in the back. Wufei puts a phone book on the driver's seat (so that he can see over the steering wheel) and sits on it. Duo gets in the passenger seat.

[But when I'm in my car
Don't give me no crap
Cause the slightest thing and I just might snap]

They roll out of the driveway. Duo gets a CD case out of the glove box and puts the CD in the car's handy dandy little CD player. Wufei gives him "the look." The music starts up, and Wufei suddenly grins, then hits the gas. Duo is thrown over the back of his seat as the peal out with a loud squeal of tires, leaving flaming black trails in their wake.

[When I go driving I stay in my lane]

The Wufei mobile goes up on two wheels as it makes the left turn to get onto northbound I-25. Duo, who has just managed to climb back up into the front seat, gets plastered against his window.

[But getting cut off makes me insane]

The Wufei mobile hits mach two as it reaches the highway. Wufei immediately clicks on his left blinker, swerves into the immediate right lane, then cuts over into the far left lane. He's zooming past SUVs, semis, and, well, every car on the road. Duo is thrown underneath the dashboard.

[I open the glove box
Reach inside
Gonna wreck this fucker's ride]

A shaky hand reaches up and clutches the dashboard...painfully, Duo pulls himself up off the floor and climbs back into his seat. He watches the scenery whizzing by at an utterly fabulous rate and suddenly grins.

[I guess I got a bad habit
Of blowin' away
Yeah I got a bad habit
And it ain't goin' away]

Duo rolls down the window of the Wufei mobile and sticks his head out, dog-like. His braid is trailing out behind him. He's yelling at the cars they're passing, as well as making some suggestive hand gestures. In other words, he's having the time of his life. Wufei, on the other hand, is hunched over the steering wheel, scowling with concentration.

[Well they say the road's a dangerous place]

A teeny bright blue Porsche suddenly speeds past the Wufei mobile, swerves in front, and slams its brakes on. Wufei is forced to slam his brakes on as well, flinging Duo to the floor once more. Wufei leans on the horn and waves his fist at the offending car. The driver leans back and tells Wufei, using modern body language, that he's number one.

[If you flip me off, I'll get in your face]

Wufei is utterly shocked for a moment. Duo pulls himself up once more in time to see the Porsche's driver waving the Mr. Digit finger puppet at them. All the color drains from Duo's face as he looks over at Wufei. Suddenly, Wufei's eyes narrow, and turn glowing Battousai Yellow™.

[You drive on my ass
Your foot's on the gas
And your next breath is your last
I guess I got a bad habit
Of blowin' away
Yeah I got a bad habit
And it ain't goin' away]

Duo dives to the floor again, covering his head with both hands. Wufei jerks the shift into a lower gear, then tromps the gas. The Wufei mobile starts accelerating like a bat out of hell after the Porsche. Wufei's hunched even lower over the steering wheel now; all that's visible is the top of his head and his glowing eyes. There is a red battle aura forming around him.

[Drivers are rude
Such attitude
When I show my peace
Complaints cease
Something's odd
I feel like I'm God]

Wufei reaches behind him, and pulls a sword out of the back seat. He rolls down the window and sticks his arm, sword in hand, out. The driver of the Porsche looks back, and his eyes suddenly get very wide, you can see the whites all around. He tries to speed up, but to no avail. In his eyes, you can see death being reflected.

[You stupid--]

The music stops, and you hear Wufei howl "KISAMA!" as the Wufei mobile continues to accelerate.

The music starts up again.

[I open the glove box
Reach inside
Gonna wreck this fucker's ride]

The Wufei mobile bears down on the Porsche. At the last possible moment, right before their bumpers touch, Wufei swerves into the middle lane. As he roars by, his sword flicks out...the Porsche's driver screams. As the Wufei mobile pulls away, the passenger side door of the Porsche suddenly explodes into metal confetti.

[I guess I got a bad habit
Of blowin' away
Yeah I got a bad habit
And it ain't goin' away]

Wufei puts the sword away, and Duo cautiously peers over the dashboard. Wufei eases off the gas a little and slows back down to just under the speed of sound. He's no longer quite as hunched over the steering wheel, and the battle aura has faded. Duo breathes a side of relief, wiping sweat from his forehead.

A Mustang convertible speeds by them and cuts into their lane...