I know everyone's waiting for LIEBESTOD chapter two, but it'll definitely be done by Sunday.  To counteract the angst involved in writing /that/, I whipped up this cheesy vidfic to one of my favorite songs, Jimi Hendrix's "Crosstown Traffic."  Got the idea at work and broke down giggling, as usual.  Luckily (unluckily?) I'll be going back to school in a few days, so they won't have to tolerate my randomness much longer.

Standard disclamers apply, I don't own GW or the song.

C&C this at Fanfiction.net, or directly at Fractalforge@hotmail.com.  All comments are greatly appreciated!

The song is like 2 minutes long, so it would be impossible to show this all in a video.  Fun anyway, tho!

Dedicated to Daisy Coolguy, who turned me on to Hendrix...

 Warnings: Yaoi (of course), implied sexual situations, senseless destruction, characters OOC, literal and figurative Relena-bashing.  Enjoy, minna-san!

Rated PG-13
 

We fade in on Heero.  He's standing inside a phone booth outside an airplane terminal.  His hair is mussed up, his tank top is ripped, and his spandex is bunched up.  Various scratches and burn marks adorn his body -- obviously he just arrived from a mission.  He wearily dials a number, and listens to the reciever with silent expectance.

The screen splits in two.  On the other end is Duo, clutching a cordless phone between his shoulder and chin, and wearing... well, we can't see below his chest, but it's pretty safe to say he's wearing absolutely nothing!  He's obviously lounging on a hotel bed, snuggling down into the top of the thick comforter.  His braid is undone, its mass spread all across the velvety sheets.  We can see from the background that he's in a fairly ornate and expensive hotel room.

We hear nothing of the conversation, but it goes something like this: Heero says something.  Duo closes his eyes and grins and says something back.  Heero's expression softens.  Duo says something else.  Heero sighs and says a few words back.  Duo's eyelids draw down in a mischevious and sexy grin and he begins to talk at a rapid pace.  He accompanies his monologue by moving his body around... stroking an imaginary, ahem, phallus; massaging some nonexistent surface; doing pelvic thrusts that lift his bottom off of the bed.

Throughout all of this, Heero's eyes are growing wider and wider and his predatory smile is becoming broader and broader.

Finally, Duo says a four-syllable phrase.  Lip-readers will note that it's "come as you are."  Duo winks at the camera, seductively.

Heero slams down the phone and breaks into a sprint.

[begin music.]

Heero dashes across the airport parking lot at top speed, pulling a keyless entry remote out of his spandex and clicking the button.  The driver's side door on a generic black SUV opens.  Heero dives in.

About a hundred yards away, Relena; who has been leaning against the door of a car as if waiting for Pargan, quirks her head, turns around, drops her pink luggage in surprise and yells something.

HEERROOOOOOOOOOO!

Heero's eyes bug out and he steps on the gas, burning rubber as he screeches out of the parking space.

/You jump in front of my car when you,
/you know all the time,

Like a predator honing in on prey, Relena breaks out into an all-out sprint, jumping onto the hood and roof of a car, then dashing across on top of the line of cars.  As she reaches the end, she makes a flying leap into midair, sails through the sky for a long slow-motion second, and lands with a crash on the roof of Heero's moving SUV.  She grabs onto the roof rack and holds on tight as Heero swerves out of the parking lot.

/That ninety miles an hour, girl, is the
/speed I drive

Heero reacts to the crash above him.  He looks through the cracked sun roof.  /Oh, no./  His eyes narrow and he pushes the pedal to the metal, accelerating onto a four-lane city street.

/You tell me it's alright,
/you don't mind a little pain...

The SUV passes all the cars on its side of the road, swerving and darting between them.  Heero drives the tank-like vehicle as though it handled like a sports car.  Enraged drivers beep at them.  Relena reaches down to her shoes, takes one off, and begins to pound on the sunroof glass with it.

/You say you just want me to
/take you for a drive!

Heero's eyes narrow evilly and he moves into the right lane.  From there, he accelerates ahead of the cars around him and makes a ninety degree turn to the left onto a one-way street, moving through four lanes of astonished traffic at more than ninety miles an hour.

/You're just like
/Crosstown traffic, So hard to get through to you

The one-way street, unfortunately for Heero, flows against him.  He swerves between approaching cars as fast as he can.  When two cars approach side by side -- a truck and a minivan --, he grits his teeth and drives the SUV onto the side walk.  It scrapes past the truck, the mirrors of the vehicles sparking off of each other.  The truck driver, dumbfounded, reaches for his CB radio to call the cops.

/Crosstown traffic, I don't need to run over you

Heero, one wheel on the sidewalk and one wheel on the street, knocks over trash cans, cafe tables, and placards reading TODAY'S SPECIAL.  Duo, he must get to Duo.  Terrified pedestrians run screaming into businesses.  Relena, still clinging to the top of the car, is totally focused on getting inside, still trying to smash the sunroof with her designer footwear.

/Crosstown traffic, All you do is slow me down

Heero makes a right turn onto another four-lane city avenue and narrowly misses smashing into a taxi.  The driver screeches and careens around, crashing into a luxury sedan... which hits a motorcyclist... who is flipped over the concrete median onto the windshield of a garbage truck, moving in the opposite direction.  The garbage truck screeches to a halt.

/and I'm trying to get on the other side of town...

The motorcyclist is Wufei.  With an acrobatic flip, he moves from his clinging position, lands on the roof of the truck, and draws his sword from wherever he keeps it.  Clinging to the truck and ignoring the screams of the petrified driver inside, he gazes across the street at the chaos.  He sees Heero and Relena in... and on... the SUV.  The collision has totally halted traffic moving in Heero and Relena's direction, except for one Greyhound bus which has been unable to stop.  Wufei watches as the charter bus plows through the fiery mass, only slightly ahead of him.

The Chinese pilot sighs.  Heero's going to need his help.  Wufei jumps across the median and sinks his sword into the metal wall of the passing Greyhound.  Kicking out the frontmost window with his feet, he withdraws the sword and executes a stunning midair entrance into the driver's seat of the bus.  Glass is everywhere.  The driver, out of his mind with fear, surrenders the wheel to him.

/I'm not the only soul who's
/accused ot hit-and-run

On the SUV, Heero shrugs and continues to drive.  He narrowly misses hitting some pedestrians as he runs a red light.  One of them looked slightly familiar...

/Tire tracks all across your back
/I can see you had your fun, but

One of the pedestrians, carrying a shopping bag from Suncoast Video (it's filled with Evangelion tapes!) is Quatre.  He looks at the driver in disbelief, then to the top of the car.  Relena, with a tenacious expression on her face, is still trying to enter the car.

/Darlin' can't you see my signals turn from green to red
/And with you, I can see a traffic jam straight up ahead!

Quatre looks at the Greyhound, which is now in hot pursuit.  He sees the driver and raises an eyebrow.  Sighing, he draws a firearm, blows out the windshield of the bus (careful not to hit any passengers) and sprints out into the bus's path.  Wufei gets the hint and brakes slightly, allowing the blond pilot to jump up and vault into the front of the vehicle.  Quatre picks up the microphone and starts to talk to the petrified crowd, calming them down.

/You're just like
/Crosstown traffic, So hard to get through to you

Heero glances in the rearview mirror.  Good, backup has arrived.  He reaches to the light controls and begins to flash the turn signal at Quatre and Wufei in morse code.

/Crosstown traffic, I don't need to run over you

The transmission reads, "PROVIDE COVER FROM LAW ENFORCEMENT, STOP.  TURNING ONTO I-52 IN THREE BLOCKS, STOP."

Quatre and Wufei nod to each other and flash a signal to Heero in confirmation.  NIMMYU RYOUKAI, STOP.

/Crosstown traffic, All you do is slow me down

The cop cars have begun to converge, turning into pursuit of the Greyhound and SUV from various side streets.  Quatre reloads his hand gun and starts to take out their tires.  Enraged policemen gape at the two vehicles, tearing down the busy street.

/And I'm trying to get on the other side of town...

Heero turns onto the Interstate Highway's on-ramp sharply, almost throwing Relena off the top of the car.  She screams and continues hammering on the roof.  The SUV and Greyhound are now ahead of the twelve police cars on the elevated highway, a roadway held by pillars about twenty stories above the ground.  Imagine a "Batman and Robin-esque" Gotham City, except without cheesy colors and lighting.

/Yeah, yeah,
/Crosstown traffic
.
Heero flashes to Quatre and Wufei, "MIDAIR ENTRANCE TO HOTEL, STOP.  BLOCK PURSUIT."

The two pilots shrug and send the bus into a spinning turn, crunching the bumpers on the median and shoulder of the road.  Like a log in a dam, the bus totally blocks any traffic on the highway.  Reluctant to hit the passengers inside the bus, all the pursuing police cars brake simultaneously and smash into each other, creating a massive pileup of them and all cars driving behind them.

Quatre and Wufei look down at the area below them, at each other, and attach grappling-hooks to the interior of the bus.  Exiting through the broken windshield, they rappel down the concrete pillars quickly.  Their part is done.  Quatre, still holding his bag from Suncoast, smiles.

/Look out!  Look out, Look out baby,
/Comin' through!

Heero, observing the now cleared highway, focuses on his target: the hotel.  The elevated road goes straight for a few hundred yards, then turns to the left.  If one were not to turn, one would smash through the concrete barrier on the edge of the road, fly perhaps a hundred feet through the air, and crash straight into the hotel's glass-paneled side...

The hotel in which Duo is currently staying...

/Crosstown traffic!  Yeah, yeah, look out...

Heero puts the pedal to the metal and pops open a suspicious-looking panel located where the radio should be.  It's full of wierd buttons and levers.  Heero presses one, and a small /missile/ launches out of the front headlight compartment, shattering the three-foot high concrete lip that seperates the highway and the open air.

Relena's finally managed to smash through the sunroof.  Glass rains down through the cabin.  She starts to wriggle down into the back seat. Heero shrugs -- a hundred yards to go before the gap in the highway wall -- and presses a red button.

The digital RPM gauge on the dashboard, instead of reading a number, now flashes TURBO.

The trunk flips open and reveals a single-stage rocket booster, ala Castle of Cagliostro.  It ignites and the SUV blasts into high speed at almost a hundred and fifty miles an hour, tires melting from heat and friction.

Heero presses another button, raising a protective screen in front of the windshield to prevent the glass from breaking.  A readout says AIRBAG ACTIVATION: T+20 SECONDS.

/Crosstown traffic, yeah, look out, look out, look out baby...

Relena, inside the back seat, gasps in horror as the car careens towards the empty space in the wall, and the side of the hotel a hundred feet beyond...

Heero calmly unlocks his door as the SUV clears the gap and flies through the air, towards the glass windows...

/Crosstown traffic...

The car, traveling at an obscene speed, /SHATTERS/ a few windows on the side of the hotel, LANDS PERFECTLY on the carpet of the sixteenth floor, flies straight through an empty bedroom, and smashes completely through the room's door.  Half on fire and half totally warped and spashed, the car slides through the hotel's wide carpeted hallway.

"This is where I get off."

Heero presses a button, blowing the car door off of its hinges.  He leaps out the empty space in the side of the car, sails through an open door to a room -- room 1629 -- and does a perfect somersault on the carpeted floor.  He stands up, brushes himself off, and hungrily eyes a sexy, astonished, bathrobe-clad Duo.

Inside the car, the airbags activate, cushioning the girl inside. Relena screams and screams as the car continues through the hallway, out the opposite window, and falls like a stone downwards the ground

"HEEEEEERRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

The SUV, little more than a peice of scrap metal now, hits the hotel's outdoor pool with a tremendous splash.  Relena, cushioned by the airbags and still scared stiff from the shock, opens the car door and swims out, gasping for breath when she meets the surface.

Inside the room, Heero hears the splash and smirks.

"Nimmyu kanryou."

Duo grins and beckons Heero to come to bed.

Heero shuts the door and kisses Duo, who smiles happily.  Heero tosses the keys to the car onto the nightstand.  They land in a little metal dish.  The camera lingers on them, zooming in.

Offscreen, someone tosses a pair of spandex shorts on top of the keys.
 

OWARI!
 
 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That may have been senseless and destructive, but it was fun as hell to write!  It's really my first foray into action... basically just an excuse for characters to be cool and kick a lot of ass.  As I've never done this sort of fic before, PLEASE REVIEW and RESPOND!  That way all the writers who read it get better, and we all win!  Wai!

Hope to have LIEBESTOD part 2 up soon!