Author/Alias: F.O.Y.I.

Title: Non- Alcoholic

Categories: Purely humor

Pairings: none of relevance

Feedback: Yes!


Disclaimer Type Message: I don’t own GW. If I did I’d be free of many worries! Please don’t get the wrong idea from this fic- I am not anti-yaoi. This is merely a silly little humor fic. Have fun!



Trowa walked calmly out of the room. Quatre trailed him halfway to the door.

"Trowa!" He cried.

"Quatre, what goes on between us is our business and no one else’s."

"So there IS something between us!" Quatre beamed with wide, hopeful eyes.

Trowa grunted. "I have go to the circus now…" He turned abruptly and left. Quatre stared at the empty doorway and burst into tears. Heero shuddered as he walked past the sobbing Arabian boy. He entered the kitchen where Duo was devouring a bag of potato chips.

"Heya Heero!" He said with his mouth full. Heero grabbed a can of beer and sat down with a distressed look on his face. Despite his best efforts, he shuddered again.

"What’s wrong, buddy?"

Heero glared at his "buddy." "Quatre’s crying…again."

Duo shook his head. "I wonder what it was THIS time…"

"You better go shut him up before I shoot him."

Duo shoved another handful of chips into his mouth and ran down the hall. Heero snickered and with a smug look, grabbed the abandoned chips.

After what seemed like hours later…Duo gave up and left Quatre crying on the couch. When he got back to the kitchen, Heero had finished the chips.

"Hey! Whatdya do that for? I was eating those!"

Heero flipped him off and grabbed another beer.

"Whatever." Duo mumbled and went to his room.

Heero was about to pick up his beer for another sip when he noticed that there was a sword sticking through it. He looked up and sure enough, there was Wufei. He glared at the intoxicated Jap.

Wufei withdrew the sword. "You drunken FOOL! Have you no honor?!"

"Issnonalcoholic." Heero smiled stupidly.

Wufei glared at him. "There is no justice in this."

Trowa finally came back, not being able to stand another second with Catherine. The house was silent… probably because it was 2:00 a.m. Trowa noticed that the light was still on in the room where he and Quatre fought earlier. He went to turn it off and saw Quatre sleeping on the couch. He picked him up and proceeded to carry him to bed. Quatre, still asleep, snuggled up against Trowa. He looked down at his… friend… peacefully asleep with a small smile upon his lips. He’s just like a puppy when he’s asleep. He’s so cute… "AAH!" What am I thinking?! Trowa dropped Quatre and ran into his room. No! Quatre’s a BOY! He can’t be cute! Yea. That stupid wuss and his dumb blonde hair falling over his *immense* sapphire eyes…K’SO!!

Quatre examined his surroundings…the middle of the hallway in the middle of the night…

"How on earth did I get out here?" He asked himself. Shrugging, he picked himself up and went to bed.


Heero awoke the next morning with a pounding headache. With a sinking feeling, he sensed another person in his bed. He turned over and his eyes met with those of the absolute LAST person anyone would want to wake up next to...

"RELENA??!!" He tried to scream something else, something obscene, perhaps something more obscene than the name of the most hideous creature ever to bestow itself upon the planet, but since there are no words to match or exceed the degree of obscenity of it’s name, Heero’s mouth emitted a stream of vomit onto the vile beast that lay beside him in bed.

"Heero-" she<?> replied, and, completely oblivious to the partially digested matter coating the front of her night gown, leaned forward and kissed her hung over koibito. The completely disgusted Heero Yuy jumped back, scrambled off the bed and into the bathroom where he suffered a long bout of vomiting.

"Heero? Are you o.k.?" Relena whined through the bathroom door. Her cries resulted in more regurgitation for Heero. Thankfully, Relena had to leave for an urgent meeting while Heero was still puking up the last bit of his dignity.

Duo nearly lost his appetite as Relena waddled through the kitchen and squeezed through the door. What the Hell was THAT doing here?

"Good morning, Duo." Quatre chimed from the doorway. The sides of his mouth fell as he detected a slight odor. "It smells like…like…"


Duo and Quatre turned around to a pale Heero.

"Heero, I’ve been wanting to ask you this for a long time…" Duo paused, probably for dramatic effect, " Why on earth do you always say her name?!"

"Yeah, Heero. You have problems." Quatre added with sickening courtesy.

"Zakennayo!" Heero glared at the two as they whispered about him. Trowa came in and joined them…meaning he stood there with a distant look in his vacuous green eyes, further alienating the increasingly irritated Yuy-chun. Wufei refused to participate as "such a juvenile practice is an insult to my integrity."

The whispering ceased. Duo approached his comrade, putting a friendly hand on his shoulder and said, in a quite straightforward manner, "Heero, you need to get laid."

Heero growled, taking the suggestion as an offense.

"By a real female." A devious smile crept onto Duo’s face. "We’re going to take you clubbing."

That Evening:

Duo pushed Heero into the backseat of the car, Trowa and Quatre on either side to suppress any attempted escape.

"Don’t we have a mission?" Heero asked impatiently, fingering the collar of his <well, technically Pacific Sunwear’s Damn you, Duo! > iridescent silver shirt. His eyes perused the black non-spandex material <also known as denim> that denuded his legs.

"Eh…" Duo shrugged and started the car.

"WAIT!!" Wufei ran hastily toward them.

Duo’s eyes shined with delight. Further Heero torture…Muahahahaaa! "Wufei! I thought this was too childish for your integrity or something."

The Chinese boy sneered. " It’s not every day that Yuy would practically volunteer to make an ass of himself…and DON’T question my inTEGrity."

Duo laughed. Heero slumped back against the seat, arms crossed, and glared at the back of Duo’s head. Quatre fidgeted nervously and glanced over at a quite content Trowa. The Latino pilot smiled to himself He’d come to a conclusion about the previous night’s episode: after being near something as despicable as that ogre Catherine, one was apt to find that anything was remotely attractive, even a giggling, hoydenish, prude of an Arab.

Studio 69 was alive and pulsating with music, alcohol, and innuendo. The five <underage> boys took seats at the bar with trusty fake ID’s in their pockets, compliments of Duo. Quatre sulked as Trowa eyed a pretty girl sitting at a nearby table.

Duo draped his arm around Quatre’s shoulders. "You look glum. Why don’t you have a drink?"

Quatre nodded.

Duo motioned to the bartender. "Go ahead, Q-man."

"I’ll have a Shirley…no…oh! A virgin…" Quatre pondered for a moment. "No. I’ll have a white wine spritzer! Sprizter! Spritzer!" He apologized for his repetitiveness after receiving an apprehensive look from the bartender. "Too much Simpsons, I guess. Hehe!"

Duo turned around. "Heero- I’ve been neglecting you!"

"Thank God."

Duo’s eyes skimmed the area for easy prey.

"Why don’t you go asked her to dance?" He pointed out a girl decked in tight black leather. Knowing it would be futile to resist the power of Duo Maxwell, Heero walked up to the girl.


Duo leaned backed and rested his elbows on the counter as he watched Heero whisper something into the girl’s ear. Before Duo could smile, she shrieked and ran out the door. Heero returned to his seat next to a dumbstruck Duo.

"What the Hell did you say to her?"

"The same ting I’m about to tell you."

"Which would be…?"

"Omae o korosu."


Trowa downed a shot of Bombay gin for courage before approaching the girl he’d been more than aware of that evening. She looked up as he sat down.

"So…do you like clowns?"

She couldn’t tell if he was trying to scare her or seduce her. She hoped for the latter and answered "Yeah, sure."

A quick swipe of his arm and Trowa brought his mask <from God knows where> to his face. The girl giggled and was instantly infatuated with him. She leaned forward with her arms on the table.

"My name is Genessee."

"I’m Trowa." He lied. Well he did!

Genessee picked a cherry stem out of her drink. "I can tie this in a knot with my tongue."

Trowa gave her a come-hither look without cracking a smile. "I can do the splits."

"I tell you sumfin thattrowa doezn ‘preciate nuthin’!"

"Quiet, you!" Wufei warned.

"I’s aways nice to ‘um an played my violin for ‘um an an tawk to ‘um an nice to ‘um an an-"

"I said QUIET, Winner!"

"An then he goes n makesout with some SLUT an breaks my-art." Quatre emptied the rest of his drink into his mouth. For no apparent reason, he gripped his chest as if he was in immense pain. "OOOh! My spaceheart! Trowa you broke me! AAHH!! THE SOUL OF OUTERSPACE CRIIIIIIIEEEEESSS!!!"

*thud!* Quatre’s unconscious body hit the ground.

Wufei withdrew his arm and settled back onto his stool with a smug look on his face.

"Heero, it is your MISSION to get laid!" Duo’s voice adopted a condescending tone "… unless it’s too much for you to handle."

Despite the fact that this was obviously a trick, Heero agreed <after a few drinks, that is> and through his slightly slurry language, Duo heard him mumble "Mission accepted."


Heero awoke the following morning, perceiving someone next to him. He rolled over and looked at the backside of the sleeping someone next to him. Relieved that it wasn’t Relena, he brushed his fingers through the long chestnut hair of the thin-framed beauty beside him. He heard a yawn and she stirred.

What was her name again? Stephanie? Anna? Stephanie/Anna/Whatever turned to meet Heero’s gaze with wide amethyst eyes?… and a boyish smile? Heero jumped back.

"…Duo?!" Fear began to unfold for the… second time in the perfect soldier.

Stephanie/Anna/Duo placed his or her fingers under Heero’s chin and kissed his quivering lips…and replied "Ohayou gozaimasu, buddy."

Duo’s presence confirmed…RUN AWAY!!! The fear erupted inside of Heero and was emitted as a long, painful scream.



"AH!" Heero sat up with an uneasy feeling both in his stomach an his mind. The morning light <and morning after headache> hit him like a semi on a freeway, causing the second, more restrained "Ah!" His hand felt someone next to him. For fear of experiencing de ja vous , Heero refused to open his eyes. He felt a soft, warm hand on his shoulder. A smooth alto brushed his ears.

"Are you alright?"

"Nani?" He lowered his hands and peered at a brunette with curious brown eyes. Suddenly his headache and nausea were forgotten as a small, contented grin nearly took over his mouth.

"Mission complete."


No Japanese boys were harmed during the process although one Arabian suffered temporary memory loss.