5-24-2001

Title: You're Breaking My Heart
Author: AstroKender
Pairings: 4+5
Warnings: Angst
Notes: Takes place after the Eve Wars. Dedicated to the biggest fan of this pairing, Q-sama. Uh...sorry it didn't turn out happier. Foolish Games is by Jewel.
Feedback: AstroKender@insight.rr.com
Disclaimers: I don't own Gundam Wing. I make no money. Don't sue.

 

/You took your coat off, and stood in the rain
You're always crazy like that.
I watched from my window
Always felt I was outside, looking in on you./

I watch through the transparent glass as you arrive at the front of the Preventer headquarters, my head feeling feverishly hot against the cool pane. You're riding your motorcycle, as always, despite the rain that has unrepentantly pounded the sidewalk all morning. You park the dilapidated looking dirt bike in your reserved spot, perfectly parallel to the white lines. How like you, this unconscious adherence to the rules, regardless of the fact that you violently broke those same rules only months before.

You pause outside the doorway, hesitant, your hand inches from the handle. I know this ritual well; I have seen it preformed everyday with the same results. Always you stand there, wanting nothing more that to turn back around and run off on that ragged little motorcycle; run far away from the watchful eyes and bated breaths of those that are waiting on the edge of their seats for the day that you fail; for the day that you betray them once again. None of them understand that it was only yourself that you betrayed, and you would die before traveling down that path once more.

At that moment, you look up and see me, far above you in the fourth floor window. Waiting for you. I like to arrive here early to prepare myself for our little sessions even though you are never late. You were always a stickler for punctuality. I gaze back down at you, unembarrassed about being caught staring, staring at your forced perfection. My hands run through my hair idly as you look away from me to stare at the door once more. One of these days you are going to walk away from everything. And you'll leave me behind.

But not today. Today, you take off your coat and sling it carefully over your arm, before taking a deep breath and disappearing into the building's dark interior. Sighing, I walk away from the window and go sit in the oxford leather chair that had been set right in front of your desk two months ago, when we first began our meetings.

What a way to treat a former hero of not one, but two wars; to force you to go through a daily therapy session with one of your former comrades. Of course, the higher ups didn't call it 'therapy', no; they termed it 'active internal discussion'. But you and I both knew better. That's why they asked me to do the job, because you would feel more comfortable talking with me then a complete stranger. I explained to them that I had no background in psychology and couldn't possibly take the time from my own affairs and they threatened to place you in a ward, temporarily, of course. Needless to say, I was standing outside the office doors the very next morning.

/You were always the mysterious one,
With dark eyes and careless hair
You were fashionable sensitive but too cool to care
Then you stood in my doorway, with nothing to say,
Besides some comment on the weather./

So here I sit on the fourth floor, in your office, as you take your lonely ride up the elevator. As I wait, I try to force myself to think of other matters, of my own affairs. The repairs and construction of most of the facilities on colony X18999 are almost complete, thanks to the Maguanacs. The L3 colony was on it's way to healing its scars from the Eve War. Even as I sit here, a new resource satellite is being constructed for their benefit. I really should be up in space right now, overseeing its creation.

But my duty towards you is stronger than some long abandoned colony. Normal people will never learn how to live in peace, no matter how much is given to them. I'm hoping to help you, even a little. You aren't the only one to carry past demons. But the sad part is you would have long overcome them if it weren't for the actions of others; who can't see past their own self-righteousness to feel forgiveness. Even I still feel the heat of their anger, though in my case their rage is justified.

I hear the door open and I turn in my seat to watch you stand in the doorway; your dark eyes impenetrable and holding a thousand mysteries. Your hair is pulled back into your normal ponytail; to keep it out of the way, I assume. The Preventer outfit suits you, much better than Mariamaia's. But that is my own jaded preference. My eyes travel down your khaki t-shirt thoughtfully, noting how it clings to your skin damply from the rain. I feel my cheeks warm unconsciously and my eyes quickly dart back up to your face. You stare at me for a long moment, contemplating, then your eyes flick over me dismissively as you walk over and hang up your coat.

"Good morning, WuFei." My voice breaks as your indifference strikes me like a physical blow. You would think I would be used to it by now.

"Winner." You walk by me without a glance as you sit behind your desk, turning on your computer and checking for new messages.

I sit there quietly waiting for you to speak. Fifteen minutes passed in aching silence as my eyes plead with the back of your computer. Finally, you close your laptop and look over my shoulder to stare out the window.

"It's supposed to rain all week," You say casually.

Grateful for even this small acknowledgement, I smile and begin talking about the coming spring and plans I have made for when the weather turns warm. You nod silently, clearly not hearing a word, as you continue to stare at the dark clouds outside. Unwillingly, my voice takes on a desperate tinge.

/Well in case you failed to notice
In case you failed to see
This is my heart, bleeding before you
This is me down on my knees/

"I talked to Duo yesterday. He's taking some time off from the Sweepers to help Trowa with the orphaned children that were found on X18999. Together with the Maguanacs and Miss Relena, they are making sure that every one of them find a good home." My gaze wavers as I think about how many of those children were orphaned due to the soldiers I had killed. How many of them had families until the Gundams had swept through the colonies like and airborne plague, killing indiscriminately? My heart aches with the thought.

"He and Trowa are only doing this because they themselves were orphans," You speak matter-of-factly. "If their pasts have been different they wouldn't have even noticed those children."

I stare at him, appalled. "That is a terrible thing to say. Both Duo and Trowa would die for those children if they thought it would bring their families back!"

WuFei nodded. "Undoubtedly, since it was probably we ourselves who killed their families in the first place. But what I am saying is this is only an attempt to damper the pain of their own pasts. Those two are only seeing themselves when they look at those children."

"I can't believe that," I shake my head furiously as my fists clench tightly at my sides. To hear you talk this way about two of my closest friends...

Your gaze flicked over me calmly, no doubt noticing the tenseness of my posture. "Believe what you will, but not everyone is as...selflessly giving as you, Quatre." The sneer in you voice was tangible, even if it wasn't present on your face.

"You say that as if it's a bad thing." I force my hands to unclench. I won't let you do this to me again. You are trying to force me away, just as you have done to everyone else. But it won't work, my friend.

You stare at me with that mild statement on your face, but the mildness is not reflected in your eyes. Those obsidian orbs look through me, weighing, judging, and finding me inadequate.

"I suppose it's not a bad thing if you give with an untainted heart." You speak slowly, making sure each barb sinks in to full effect. "But you're heart is so riddled with guilt and self-doubt that your actions are interpreted as false, your intentions impure. So even if your goals are sincere, others will regard them as self-indulgent."

/These foolish games are tearing me apart.
Your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.
You're breaking my heart./

The chair scoots across the varnished floor with a squeal of protest as I rise. I could feel my eyes blazing angrily with the wrath of indignation. Wrenching my gaze away, I stare pointedly out the window.

"Not all of us can kill without remorse. Some of us feel each and every death on such a personal level that we'd do anything to go back and change our actions." Tears cloud my vision and I blink them away irritably.

"I wish I was like Treize; you admired him so much," I whisper softly. "I wish I could be like he was. I want to know the names of those whom I had killed, of all people that died fighting our battles." I sigh, and shake my head. "But the war is over now, and the most I can do it live out my life to best honor the dead. You knew something of honor once, WuFei. But now all you know is how to mock and degrade those who want nothing but to help make sure the horrors of war are never felt again."

There. I had thrown my own barbs and felt wretched for it. I turn to face you, an apology on my lips. But you were already up and heading for your jacket.

"I have a field operation with Sally so I'm afraid I have to cut our little visit short." You bow slightly before heading towards the door.

"WuFei, wait!" I call out, but you ignore me and walk stiffly down the hall. My shoulders slump as I rub my face tiredly. I am no match for these foolish word games we play. I am used to speaking my mind with directness and honesty, but when I do that around you... you always find some excuse to leave me standing in your office, alone.

Falling back into my chair, I stare numbly out the window. The roar of your motorcycle filters mutely through the glass, announcing your departure. It seems like every day you break my heart a little more. I wonder if one day it will finally shatter.

/You were always brilliant in the morning
Smoking your cigarettes, talking over coffee.
Your philosophies on art, Baroque moved you
You loved Mozart and you'd speak of your loved ones
As I clumsily strummed my guitar./

I walking in the next morning to find you already there, sitting casually in the break room. A pack of cigarettes in your hand, you gesture for me to take the seat across from you. I wonder when you started smoking? Sitting on the cold plastic chair, I watch as you take out a single cigarette and light it. Your eyes stare at me reflectively as you take a long drag. Removing the small stick of tobacco from your lips you finally speak.

"I acted dishonorably yesterday. I was rude to both you and your friends. I ask for your forgiveness and I hope you will relay my regret to both Duo and Trowa."

I stare at my dress shoes idly. "There is nothing to forgive, on my part at least, because I also acted like a heel. I'm sorry, WuFei."

You wave my apology away negligently and offer me some coffee, which I gratefully accept. While you set about making a fresh pot, I decide to speak up. "They're you're friends too, you know. You should apologize yourself."

"I have done nothing to merit their friendship. Any camaraderie we may have had died in the last war along with all the other innocent hopes and dreams." You are not facing me while you speak, so I have no idea as to what you're feeling, since your voice gives no hint of emotion. I sigh softly to myself.

"What about Heero?" I ask and watch as you nearly drop the mug you were holding.

"What about him?" You mutter. "I haven't heard from him since the war ended. Have you?"

He turns to face me and I shake my head mutely. "I know the Heero has had some contact with Miss Relena, and Duo said he saw him once, talking to Mariemaia in a park not far from here. He said whatever they were discussing seemed serious, so he didn't intrude. But that's been over a month ago."

You nod absently as you bring me the mug, with half a cream and two sugars, just the way I like it. I smile hesitantly and change the subject. We talk for a while about music and other meaningless things. And once, only in passing, you mentioned your wife. Your eyes turn dead as you speak of her, and my heart aches in sympathy as I think back to father and Iria. War has cost all so much. Seeing the discussion turning dark once more, I tell you that I have to go take care of a few things. Pausing at the doorway, I turn and swallow nervously.

"Would you like to meet me for lunch tomorrow? I have a meeting early in the morning that I couldn't get out of but I would still like to meet with you."

Staring at me for a moment, you nod mutely and a feel myself smile.

/You'd teach me of honest things,
Things that were daring, things that were clean
Things that knew what an honest dollar did mean.
So I hid my soiled hands behind my back
Somewhere along the line I must've gone off track with you. /

Slowly, we begin getting to know each other. It is like a dam had broke and suddenly the walls between us are gone. We spend more time together, outside of your office. I even get you to smile every so often. For once, we both show each other our true selves.

But I am foolish to think my story will have a happing ending. I don't deserve one. The more we talk, the more I realize how different we are. You are so pure. Everything you ever did was for a noble reason, every time you fought was for a just cause. I used to think I was like that, before my father died. But after that... my reasoning warped into a quest for revenge. And that bloodthirsty quest cost thousands of innocence lives. The nightmares of their imaginary screams still haunt me in the darkest hour of night.

You catch me with the 'statement of Atlas' as Duo dubs it. He said it was because it looked like I was forced to carry the whole earth's burdens on my shoulders. You corner me and demand that I tell you what is wrong. So I do.

Your hand smacks my face, hard. I reel back from the force of it. "Stop comparing yourself to me!" You shout. Your eyes gaze at me in fury, but under that anger, for the first time, I could see a spark of... something. Something I never dared to hope for. And in that second I fall, not literally, but with no chance of stopping myself. I can only wait for you to catch me.

You open your mouth to say something but the phone rings and you curse, turning away from me as I gingerly rub my burning cheek. You open your vidphone and Lady Une appears. Her face is etched in sorrow.
"I have some bad news," She spoke. "There was a problem on Mars. The main colonization dome was hit during an unusually heavy meteor strike. Zechs and Noin got as many of the workers out as they could but still, the losses were heavy."

You stare at the screen silently, your face expressionless. I walk around the desk. "How are Zechs and Miss Noin?" I ask.

"Noin escaped uninjured but Zechs broke his leg when a support beam collapsed during evacuation. They and the remaining workers, plus the bodies of the seventy-six dead are due back here later tonight. The colonization program with be put on hold until further notice."

My heart clenches with the news. So many dead. What a tragic accident. I nod at her in sympathy. "My deepest condolences, Lady Une. If there is anything I can do..." Une nodded wearily and the screen went blank. I turn to you with a heavy heart.

/Excuse me,
Think I've mistaken you for somebody else
Somebody who gave a damn
Somebody more like myself./

"They were fools to try to progress so fast." Is all you say.

I stare at you in shock. "Don't you feel even the least bit sad that your comrade was injured? That all those people died?"

You tilt you chair back and stare out the window, as you always do when you try to ignore me. Well, not this time. I won't let you. Grabbing your chair, I whirl it around to face me.

"How dare you be so cold hearted? People have died and you don't even bat an eyelash!"

"People die all the time, Quatre. You should be used to it by now."

Tears began to run down my face and I kick myself mentally for appearing even weaker in front of you. But right now my anger overrides my pride. "You really don't give a damn, do you? You could care less about those people! You could care less that Zechs and Noin could have died!"

You stare at me, you dark eyes as impenetrable as always. "You're right," you say softly. "I don't care."

Grabbing your shoulders, I shake you wildly until your strong hands grab my own, stopping me. "I bet you wouldn't care if I died either!" I shout.

You only stare at me silently with those glass eyes and I wrench hands away. Looking at you in disbelief, I slowly back away until my body hits the far wall. I turn swiftly and stumble out the door.

/These foolish games are tearing me apart.
Your thoughtless words are breaking my heart
You're breaking my heart./

Running down the hall, I ignore everyone's astonished gazes. I crash into a passing secretary, scattering all her files to the floor, but I just keep running. And I don't stop until I'm out of the building.

Rain pours down upon me in sheets, mixing well with my tears. I clench my fists and barely resist the urge to scream. Grabbing two fists full of hair, I sob bitterly. You don't care. You never cared. If you ever died I don't know what I would do. But if I died you wouldn't even miss a step.

I look up and spy your dirk bike. Your shabby looking pride and joy. Rage wells up inside me and I stalk over to it. Screaming, I kick it over violently. My breath is coming only in ragged pants as I stare up at your window, willing you to at least be curious enough to peer out.

But the window remains empty. Slowly, my hands unclench. I give up. I can't play this game any more. Shivering from the cold, I hail a cab and go home.

I don't return to your office for the rest of the week.

/You took your coat off and stood in the rain
You were always crazy like that/

I walk down the long halls of the Preventer office. I couldn't stay away anymore. Huddling deeper in my damp trench coat, I try to ignore the cheerful voices around me. I stare at the ground as I walk to the elevator and push the small up arrow. The bell dings and I step inside the now open doors.

A young woman stands across from me and smiles hesitantly. I force myself to smile back and her eyes widen. "You're here to see Mr. Chang, right?"

I nod silently, a lump in my throat. The woman looks at my in sympathy.

"I don't think he'll be in today. He hasn't been to work since Tuesday. Well," she amended. "He comes to work, but all he does is stand outside the door for a minute, then he turns around and leaves. Weird, huh?"

I stare at her numbly as she quickly bids goodbye and gets off on the third floor. So you're finally gone. But why do you keep coming back? Sighing, I step off the elevator and onto the fourth floor, unconsciously heading for your office.

So I guess this is my last visit here. I walk slowly into your office and carefully hang up my coat. Walking past my chair I caress it absently, my heart heavy. Sighing softly, I go to stand by the window.

Thirteen minutes later I see your bike pull up and park in it's usual spot. The rain has plastered your clothes to your back. Stepping off you're motorcycle, you walk towards the door.

You stop, your hand inches away from the handle and I feel myself holding my breath. You stand there for a long moment, letting the rain soak you, before you slowly turn your face up towards the fourth floor, towards your office window.

I swallow hard as you stare up at me, silently. Your gaze drops and I choke back a sob as I wait for you to turn and walk away. But you don't.

Not today.

Today, you take off your coat and sling it over your arm, before opening the door and walking inside.