4-2-2001

Title:Shackled by Sin
Author: AstroKender
Pairings: 3x1, 1+2
Rating: Nc-17 probably. >.<
Warnings: Angst! Weirdness! Death (sort of) Some icky stuff!
Spoilers: none
Notes:Okay, as you read this it may not make much sense. If it seems disjointed it's because that is how it was meant to be written. The reason becomes clear at the end. Hopefully is doesn't confuse you too much! Oh1 My own Prison is by Creed.
Feedback: AstroKender@aol.com Please tell me what you think!
Disclaimers: I own nothing. I'm making no money from this...Don't sue.

 

//A court is in session, a verdict is in
No appeal on the docket today
Just my own sin//

I stare up at the bench with red-rimmed eyes. The chains on my wrists were cold and my fingers had lost sensation long ago. My hair hung over my eyes in clumps, oily and unwashed. Unblinking, I stare up at the boy robed in black: the boy that held my life in his hands.

"Heero Yuy," Chang WuFei began, staring down at me scornfully from the judge's chair. "You had been tried and sentenced for murder three years ago. You stand before the court today on your third appeal. Are you prepared for our verdict?"

I stare up at him silently. My throat is so dry from under use and I
don't trust myself to answer verbally. Instead I nod solemnly, trying to hide
my suddenly clenched fists.

The Chinese boy grunted slightly and turned to face my attorney. "Will there be any further attempts for an appeal?"

"No, Your Honor." Quatre stated, refusing to look at me. I don't blame him.

WuFei nodded. "Well then, Heero Yuy, I herby declare that this court has reached a verdict. You request for execution has been denied. Case dismissed." The gavel came down hard as he stood, his black robes fluttering around him. He pinned me with his dark eyes.

"Rot in your hell, Yuy. It's all you deserve."

//The walls are cold and pale
The cage made of steel//

I sit in my cell, staring blankly at the cold steel walls. I'm alive. Clenching my fist, I slam it into the floor below me, breaking my hand. The pain is soothing. It comforts me and drives away the voices.

'You could never get rid of us that easily.' A young girl giggled and was soon joined by the chuckles of an older man.

'You see; we thrive on your pain.'

"Who are you?" I whisper, my head twisting around, looking for the ones who spoke. But the room was empty with the exception of myself.

'Yes." A woman's musical voice intoned. "Your suffering is like sweet rain to us. It gives us life.'

I stumble shakily to my feet, wanting to find some way to escape. But the walls of my cell were eight inches think. And there was nothing inside but a thin cotton mattress and a refuse filled bucket. Panting, I clapped my hands over my ears.

'So suffer, Heero. Suffer for all those you have killed.'

My eyes widened. That was Relena's voice! She-she wasn't dead! I never killed her! My shoulders sagged as realization hit me. He stopped me. He saved her.

'Suffer for me.' Duo's voice whispered in my ear, sending chills down my spine. Unable to take it anymore, I screamed.

//Screams fill the room
Alone I drop and kneel//

My screams ring through the steel walls of my cage, echoing into the halls outside. I quickly loose my voice and my cries die down to whimpers. I hear booted footsteps, running through the narrow corridors towards my cell. The metal door is thrown open and five soldiers file in, armed with stun guns.

Noin looked down at my huddle form in disgust. "He's insane."

Shaking my head I surged to my feet, yammering uncontrollably. I wasn't crazy! I was cursed! Cursed to live forever with the souls of my victims residing in my head. I grabbed her jacket, desperate to make her see.

"He's attacking!" Noin shouted, throwing me to the ground. Three soldiers suddenly pinned me to the cold ground as the final officer, Miss Sally Po, walked slowly over to me, a syringe in hand.

"I'm sorry." She whispered. My vision blurred at she injected the sedative into my veins. The voices quieted and I struggled to smile at the light haired woman.

"Thank you...." I whispered, before falling into darkness.

//Silence now the sound
My breath the only motion around//

I wake up sometime later, chained to my small pallet. I shifted my arms slightly, trying to alleviate the horrible cramp that had engulfed them. The only sound in the small room was the rattle of my chains. I lay still and watched as I exhaled, my breath fogging in the cool air.

The voices must still be asleep. I breathe in deeply, sighing in exhaustion. My belly turns, the nausea of hunger dominating my thoughts for a few moments. I can't remember when I had last eaten.

The thought of food was too much for me and I turned on my side hurriedly, retching onto the floor. Panting, I wiped the bile from my chin with my shackled arm and slumped over; trying not to look at the mess I had created. The smell of vomit quickly permeates the room and I have to breathe through my mouth to keep from gagging.

Closing my eyes, I force my breathing to even. When the voices return I will be ready for them. I will show known of the weakness that I did before. With that thought in my head, I stared up into the darkness, waiting.

//Demons cluttering around
My face showing no emotion //

The voices returned with a vengeance, chattering and cackling in my head. I lay completely still, ignoring them. Pausing, the demons whisper amongst themselves. I make no attempt to listen and my face remains expressionless.

Suddenly the room burst into light, and I was standing in another place. Unending darkness surrounded me as I stood inside a gilded cage. Around me, the voices cackled with glee. My hands reached out to touch the golden surface and it disappeared. Now I stood alone, with no bars holding me: with no bars protecting me.

The voices swirled around me, taunting, goading for some response. But I stared straight ahead, unblinking. The demons grew angry and I was force to my knees, a medieval shackles enclosing around my wrists and neck.

'How do you plead?' the voices asked.

//Shackled by my sentence
Expecting no return//

"I'm guilty. I killed them all." My voice cracked with pain.

'You killed him.' The voices hissed.

"I-I killed him. I left him to die...." Tears bathed my face as I stared out into the darkness, awaiting my sentence.

A cloaked figure appeared before me, cowl hiding his features. The white cloth draped the thin frame like a curtain, hiding any form that might have resided underneath. The white robed figure approached me, and I was suddenly more afraid then I had ever been in life.

"Who are you?" I whispered.

The hooded figure raised its head and cobalt eyes stared back at me. The figure's lips twisted in and achingly familiar grin and I shook my head in denial.

"No...no, please...."

Duo's head cocked to the side as he looked down at me. "Are you prepared for my verdict?"

Unable to help myself, I began to sob.

//Here there is no penance
My skin begins to burn//

With a delicate finger, Duo tilted my head up to face him. The brightness in his eyes was blinding and I struggled to look away. But his finger held my firmly in place. He's other hand came up and gently wiped away all trace of my tears.

My eyes widened as I watch his pure white robes became stained with crimson. His eyes darkened with pain as he continued to bleed, but he didn't let go of my face. My hands ached to touch him back, but I dared not, for fear that he would disappear forever.

Duo slumped to his knees in front of me, his breath coming in shallow pants. "I-I forgive you, Heero...."

With the last of his strength, Duo leaned forward, brushing his lips across my forehead. Searing pain spread though my body as I suddenly began to burn. Looking at Duo, I watched in horror as his robes were charred black. The smell of burning hair and flesh permeated my senses and I coughed.

I felt Duo slump against me as the flames slowly consumed us. Flesh melted from our bones as the fire roared higher, reducing us to ash. Over and over again, Duo's words pounded into my head.

'I forgive you....'

//So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride//

Light flashed again and I was suddenly back inside the gilded cage. My legs held me up shakily as I reached out once more to touch the gold bars. This time, though, the cage remained solid.

The voices laughed mockingly and I raised my head, determined to show no more weakness. Hatred flared in my heart as I listened to their hash whispers and accusations. I stood there for hours, prey to their ridicule and jeers. But chin did not lower and inch, nor did I flinch at any barbed comment, no matter how it pierced my soul.

'Why do you not weep?' They whispered.

'Why do you not beg for forgiveness?'

My fists clenched. "I will not beg to the likes of you. Those who thrive on torment are no better than I am."

//We're all held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one//

'It was not we who murdered hundreds of innocents.' The voices hissed.

'It was not we who abandoned our truest friend.'

I shook my head. " I have no idea what you're talking about."

The voices laughed, flowing around me like oil. 'You have forgotten so soon, young one? How is it you can block such a horrible day from your memory?'

My head bowed. "I don't know what you're talking about." I whispered. My fists clenched tighter, as if I could will my demons away. Explosions echoed in my head as pieces of that day filtered back to me. The day the sun stopped shining.

'Yes...remember! Remember your shame!' The voices cried like thunder.

//I hear a thunder in the distance
See a vision of a cross//

A sudden sharpness forced me to open my hand. Looking down, I sighed in anguish. Duo's cross lay sparkling in my palm, untarnished by my presence. A tear tracked down my cheek as Duo's eyes flashed in my mind, clouded by pain.

"No...please don't make me remember!" My impassive mask is broken as I plead to the darkness.

The sound of thunder crashed in the distance, and the voices stopped. But in the silence, the memories came flooding back and I fell to the floor of my cage, whimpering. Shuddering, I rocked myself back and forth, clutching Duo's cross like a life raft. Images flashed in my head and I closed my eyes, trying to stop them. But their presence was as unstoppable as the tide....

//I feel the pain that was given
On that sad day of loss//

My chest aches as they force me to remember. To remember the day in which I lost everything. Tears fall from my eyes as the memory envelopes me.

It was a Sunday morning. We had a mission to destroy an aircraft carrier carrying new weapons to OZ. Mobile suits of undetermined strength and power were being built, and we had to destroy them. The ship was moving at a fast pace across the Pacific Ocean, and if we didn't reach it by noon, we would be too late.

We reached the carrier with two hours to spare. Grinning, the DeathScythe pilot gave a cowboy's yell as we landed on the ship's flat surface. You see, it wasn't enough for us to sink the ship; we had to completely destroy it. Which mean I had to go in and set the bombs while Duo created a distraction. I had flown in with the American, my own suit being strategically placed the night before in the shallows of a nearby island a few hundred meters away from the ship's course.

//A lion roars in the darkness
Only he holds the key//

A shadow falls over my shackled figure, disrupting me from my thoughts. I was back in my cell. I look up into catlike eyes and a smile blooms across my face. "You came...."

Trowa nodded and kneeled to sit beside me, ignoring the filth surrounding me. His green eyes looked deep into my own and he sighed. "Are you sure this is what you want?"

I shook my head. "I can't think of any other way."

"You could wake up." He suggested, his feline eyes gleaming in the low light.

"No. I have to see this to the end."

The Latin boy nodded and slipped his hand into his shirt, drawing out a thin knife. The razor sharp edges seemed to glow in the darkness. My heart quickened as I stared at it. It was beautiful. I licked my lips and tore my eyes away from it. "You'll do it now?" I asked hopefully.

"Soon...." Trowa whispered as he bent over and kissed me, his hands already making short work of my clothing. Soon I was completely nude and utterly helpless as I lay the chained and waiting for the mercy of his blade.

//A light to free me from my burden
And grant me life eternally//

I made no sound as he entered me, unprepared. I made no move to stop him as he plundered my body, getting pleasure from the friction of our skin. I had asked him for a favor. Trowa was just taking his payment.

My breath hitched as he thrust himself over and over into me. He grabbed my penis and stroked it roughly, prompting a moan to fall from my lips. So caught up in my own passion, I didn't even feel the cold kiss of the knife on my throat as it pierced my sweat soaked skin.

I cried out as my seed shot out onto my chest and stomach, mingling with the dark red of my life's blood. Trowa slammed into me one more time, his own orgasm filling me with scalding hot fluid.

"Die, Heero. Die and find peace."

He kissed me one last time, sucking furiously at my tongue, before pulling away and zipping his pants. He walked to the door before turning back to me.

"Goodbye, Heero."

But the words were barely heard as my eyes dimmed of their hateful life. My smile must look ghastly, I thought hazily. I hoped it wouldn't remain after death. But then; my thoughts came slower; maybe it should stay. Let everyone see the joy I received in death. The death they denied me.

//Should have been dead
On a Sunday morning
Banging my head//

I quickly planted the explosives as Duo toyed with the mobile suits that rushed at DeathScythe. The black Gundam was merciless, slaying anything that crossed its path. I ran outside just as the first bomb detonated, creating a fatal hole in the ship's hull.

I prepared to dive off the now sinking ship to swim over to where Wing was hidden, out of the blast range. But something caused me to look back. My eyes widened as I saw a Cancer, still latched down to the ship's deck, extend its titanium claw and latch onto DeathScythe's ankle.

Jerking, the red mobile suit caused the black Gundam to stumble, dropping its scythe. The ship was sinking rapidly, now dragging Duo with it. My fists clenched as I realized the next bomb would detonate in seconds; and I dove of the rail.

The ocean quickly swallowed the ship and with it, my partner's Gundam. Ignoring the tears that burned in my eyes along with the salt water, I swam as fast as I could to get out of range before the ship blew.

//No time for mourning
Ain't got no time //

My limbs ached in exhaustion, my lungs burning from lack of oxygen. The first blast came soon after I hit the water, throwing me forward as the water erupted in fire. Swimming faster, I finally made it to the safe point as my bleary eye caught sight of Wing lying calmly under the water's sparkling surface.

I watched as a third explosion erupted, spurting water into the air as the last of the ship was destroyed. My eyes lowered as I acknowledged that I would have to go back, and make sure there was nothing left for OZ to salvage.

Taking a deep breath, I dived under the water towards Wing. The mission had not yet been completed. I would have to grieve later.

//Should have been dead
On a Sunday morning
Banging my head//

'So now I am dead' I thought, as I looked at my new surroundings. White pillars surrounded me in what looked like some sort of coliseum. My bare feet aimlessly scuff at the dirt floor as I stand there, waiting.

'Are you ready for my judgment?' A soft voice asked.

I turn my head and stare in wonder at the figure before me. It was a man, of average height and build, and average features. If you would look away from him, you'd be hard pressed to remember what he looked like. But I found myself falling to my knees regardless. The man's eyes; they showed the light and warmth of a thousand suns, and the age and wisdom in them was so intense, it made the earth seem young.

Tears ran unchecked down my face as I gazed upon Him. God.

//No time for mourning
Ain't got no time//

'You've done much that you believed to be wrong in your life, haven't you?' His benevolent eyes weighed heavily upon my bowed head.

"Yes." I whispered.

'And what have you done?'

Staring at the ground in front of me, I began the long recital of my sins. "I have killed both those who were innocents and those I believed guilty. I have repressed my emotions to the point where I was a human weapon. I willingly waged war on both Earth and the colonies. I betrayed those who depended on me. I turned my back on many who needed my help. And..." My eyes clenched shut tightly. "I-I denied your existence."

'Do you regret all of those deeds?"

Swallowing, I nodded. "I do."

I could feel Him smile down on me. 'And if you had it all to do over again, would you make the same choices?'

I wanted to say no. I wanted to so badly every muscle on my body tensed with the effort to whisper the tiny little word. But there was no way I could lie to myself in His presence. Sobbing, I wheezed out my answer.

"I don't know!" I moaned. "Probably."

//So I held my head up high
Hiding hate that burns inside
Which only fuels their selfish pride//

'I see...' The Being before me stated.

Suddenly, I was angry. Furious at his kind words, his impassive yet caring expression. I stumbled to my feet.

"What are you waiting for? Cast me down to Hell where I belong! My hands are too bloody to touch these grounds! My eye too jaded to look at you! Curse me! Rebuke me! Punish me!" I screamed.

God walked slowly and I could feel His power wash over me. His ancient eyes stared deeply into mine as he whispered in my ear.

'So you are wanting my Judgment?'

"Y-yes...please..." I begged.

'Very well.' He takes my head in his hands.

//We're all held captive
Out from the sun
A sun that shines on only some
We the meek are all in one//

Finally, it would be over. I close my eyes, unable to look at God as He denounces me. I held my breath as I was waiting for the words that would condemn me to my eternal torment.

'I now pass Judgment on you.' God's melodious voice intoned. His lips gently kiss my head as he whispers. 'I forgive you, My Son.'

Screaming, I wake up.

//I cry out to God
Seeking only his decision//

"And that was my dream...." I tell Trowa, as his warm arms hold me tight.

Trowa's hand comes up and smoothes back my hair. Tears come to my eyes as I think again about my disturbing nightmare. The Latin boy gently kisses my cheek and turns my face toward his.

"It was only a nightmare, Heero. You can't let it effect your mission today." Trowa hugs me tightly and rises from our bed. "I'm going to go fix you some breakfast. Try to get a little more sleep."

I nod and close my eyes but reopen them as soon as he leaves. I don't think I can ever sleep again. Shuddering, I rest my aching head in my hands. I hear the door open with a loud creak.

"Hey, Heero buddy." Duo called, strolling into my room. "You better get up! If we don't get to the assigned point by noon, OZ will have a bunch of new toys to play with."

I stare at the braided boy silently as he runs around, gathering miscellaneous supplies. Duo grabs my clothes from on top of my dresser and flings them at me. His eyes glitter with laughter as he beholds my rumpled appearance.

"Man, Heero. I told you not to stay out so late! But did you listen, no! You had to go hide you Gundam somewhere in the middle of the Pacific Ocean...."

Muttering, Duo made his way to the door. Turning, he winks at me. "Catch ya at breakfast!" He bounces out of the room, leaving me staring after him with my expressionless eyes.

//Gabriel stands and confirms
I've created my own prison//

Sighing, I rise from bed and begin to get ready. I have a mission today.