6-12-2001

AstroKender (AstroKender@aol.com)
"I Won't Tell"
Songfic/Angst
2+3
Feedback: Yes!!!
//song lyrics// "Name" Is by the Goo Goo Dolls. GW isn't mine.

 

//And even though the moment passed me by,
I still can't turn away.//

I think I blew the one chance to get to know you, even though you hardly know yourself. I was too worried about him to even consider how you were. Your emerald orbs look at me blankly now, where once there was something; hatred, friendship, indifference, I didn't know what. But it was there, and now it's gone.

I should have left you alone after that, but I couldn't. It would have been easier to self-detonate DeathScythe, then to stop seeing you, to leave you here alone. It took me forever to be able to approach without you cowering in fear. And forever in secret. Watchful eyes other than mine were on you almost always.

//I saw the dreams you never thought you'd lose,
Tossed along the way.//

How can you fight for peace here? How can you rise up against the subjugation, here behind your mask? We all have masks, I know. But you're mask, once of determination, now is painted with confusion. Your lost, and I don't know how to find you. Indeed, I don't even know what to look for. You were always a mystery, a shadowy figure behind the flare of bullets. What did you fight for? What were your dreams?

I beg you to leave, to find yourself again. In the middle of the night when you cry out in fear I hold you, banishing the darkness. But I can't stay here forever. My duty -lying patiently, black and silent- will call me up to arms once more. Then we'll both be alone, with nothing but our masks for company.

//Letters that you never meant to send,
Lost and thrown away.//

You look at me now, hopeless. You hold the crumpled up letter to her in your hand. I'm not enough to leave her for; I get the message. You apologize; don't. I understand. Nothing is more frightening that that which is unknown. I brush aside your unruly bangs, and hand you your mask. You're on soon, and your performance will be flawless, as always.

I must go; she would kill me if she saw me here, with you. She hates anyone who threatens to take you away. In her eyes, the past is best left forgotten. Maybe she's right.

I walk away; you don't call me back.

//Now we're grown up orphans that never knew their names.
We don't belong to no one, that's a shame.//

I know I said I would leave, but I couldn't, not yet. I hide in the sea of faces, watching you. Your grace, your nobility, is lost to everyone but the creature you ride. Even the king of beasts bows to your command. It's easy to see that you are ill-fitted to this place.

I cannot bereave you of your choice, though. If I had it all to do over again, I would have never left that night. They would have found my body amongst the charred rubble just as they would have found the other two hundred and forty-five shattered corpses. I would have been a victim then, someone to pity, instead of a killer that is reviled and hunted down. Long white scars trail down my wrists where I tried to reverse time, to be with them again. But death's sweet kiss has always eluded my grasp. I see those same lines of pain on your arms, we both...I have to stop this train of thought before I breakdown completely. I doubt the audience paid to hear my tormented sobbing. No, they paid to see you, the beautiful, expressionless clown.

//You could hide beside me, maybe for a while.
And I won't tell no one your name, no I won't tell 'em your name.//

I want to be with you...just one more night. Let me stay beside you. I won't ask that you remove your mask. I don't think I'll ever be able to lose mine. The only thing I seem to be able to lose is anyone who could even remotely care about me. I lost him quick enough. He's gone now, God knows where. But I know he's alive, for now at least, and maybe I'll see him again.

You look at me with those empty eyes, like dolls eyes. I see myself reflected in their depths, and have to turn away. That false grin of a joker's mask. Who's mask is more real, mine or the one you put on every time you go to perform? Yours, I'll bet.

I'm quiet tonight, but you don't question why. I just slip into the worn sheets behind you, and wrap myself around you. You're always cold, you told me. I'll keep you warm, for this one last night at least. I watch you as your eyes close, and the mask slips away.

//Scars are souvenirs you never lose,
The past is never far.//

I watch you this one last time as you dazzle all who watch you with your courage and strength. I sit there, on the cold wooden bench, far from the other spectators. In my mind, only you and I are in this circus, each of us playing our worn out roles.

I pull your jacket closer around me, fighting off a chill that won't go away. Is this how you feel? This ice, this numbness that seems to spread from the inside? I trace the scars of my past, wishing they'd disappear. But I know these scars will remain long after my body crumbles to dust.

My hair whips around me as an errant breeze sweeps through the tent. You glance my way and our eyes meet. My heart hammers as I see the same pain that fills me reflected in your eyes. You nod at me and I feel myself bringing my fingertips to my lips, giving you one last kiss goodbye.

//Did you lose yourself somewhere out there?
Did you get to be a star?//

A cheer erupts as your performance enters its finale. I slip out of while your taking your bows. You are a star, one that shines silently but ever so bright. But even stars fade, as would you if I stayed any longer. I have let myself feel for you, and that is dangerous. Anyone who gets near me dies. That maybe your wish, but it is not my intention. I just wanted to offer you some comfort, to show you you're not alone. And maybe get some assurance in return.

But you're still lost, and I'm not the one to find you. I realize that now. You need gentler hands than mine to help you up. Your salvation doesn't lie in these tired eyes. The eyes you seek are innocent and pure, eyes the color of the sea during the first breath of spring. I will find him for you.

//Don't it make you sad to know that life,
Is more than who we are?//

I can't help but think that everything I've ever done is worthless. I ran around trying to get medicine for a dying boy, when I should have sat there and held him till the end. I stole a MS to protect a surrogate family, when I should have stayed with them, and spent their last hours of life showing how much they meant to me. Now I find myself doing it again. Having to leave to save a boy who will remain lost, no matter what I do.

I should have just stayed in your arms and forgotten the world around me. We could have lived together, free from the responsibilities of saving all of space. If there is one thing I learned, it's that you can't save everyone. But that won't stop me from trying. My name pushes me on. Perhaps, one day, my name will honor you, as well. Nanashi.

//You grew up way too fast, and now there's nothing to believe.
And re-runs all become our history.//

The car is stolen, but it will get me to my destination. One last crusade before Shinigami takes me to war once again. The shadows in your eyes haunt me even out here, eyes to old to belong to a young boy. You've seen too much pain, and I've seen too much death. We are almost a matching set. The cycle continues, the waltz twirling around endlessly into darkness. I'm tired. I wish the dance would end.

You've lost your reason to fight and I've lost the reason to believe that anything will come out of what I do. But I am nothing if not stubborn, and I will see this through to the end. I just hope you don't hate me afterwards.

//A tired song keeps playing on a tired radio.
And I won't tell no one your name, no I won't tell 'em your name.//

Music trickles out faintly from the worn out radio. I don't recognize the song, but it sounds old. The melody is haunting as it wails out its sorrow to the colony. I wish I knew the words; I'd like to sing along.

I hope you don't think I'm betraying you by doing this. Maybe you don't want your memories back. God knows I wouldn't. But you are one of us, whatever you forget, we will remember for you. Five lives were thrown together by fate, and now all we have is each other. No one else understands what we have to do. And now the link is broken and it's up to me to fix it. I will not tell him anything, but I will guide him back to you.

//I think about you all the time
But I don't need the same.//

I am surrounded in luxury, but all I can do is stare out the window and think of you. He's staring at me now, worried. Ever since I left, I haven't had the strength to put on that worn out smile. He is troubled by something. I think it's you. Then this will help you both. I try to gather up my courage, but I fail. Self-doubt fills me as I think that just this once, maybe I should leave things as they are. I have narrowed it down to two choices: give up...or give you up.

If you love something, set it free, then you won't inadvertantly kill it. I turn to meet his eyes. I have made my decision.

"If you're looking for Gundam pilots, you'll probably want to see him too."

//If it's lonely where you are come back down,
And I won't tell 'em your name.//

Forgive me...