Title: "I Will Survive" or "Heero Will Survive, but Will We?"
Author: AstroKender
Pairings: R+1, 1+2, R+D, implied Rx1, RxD, 1x2
Warnings: Gross OOCness. Possible nose cola
Spoilers: LOL...yeah, right.
Notes: Umm....You'll have to read it.
Feedback: AstroKender@insight.rr.com
Disclaimers: I own nothing...Don't sue.


In a lush apartment, somewhere in the Sank kingdom, Heero Yuy placed his favorite CD into the expensive Sony stereo system. He could just now hear keys jangling outside the door so he quickly pressed the play button. Music flowed from the surround sound, floor to ceiling speakers. Just then, Relena Darlian walked through the door.

"At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Kept thinking I could never live without you by my side,"

The Vice Minister watched, flabbergasted, as the former Gundam pilot tiptoed elegantly into the room, resplendent in his frilly, apricot and pear speckled apron. Twirling, he danced around the blonde and swooned melodramatically.

"But then I spent so many nights thinking how you did me wrong,
And I grew strong, and I learned how to get along."

Raising swiftly, his statement suddenly turned deadly, and he stalk over towards Relena, who backed up hurriedly. Eyes as cold as steel, his hand trailed up his torso before clutching his Martha Stewart apron and tearing it from his body, revealing his customary tank top and spandex underneath. Glancing over on the couch and seeing the teddy bear that he gave her one year after they first met, he grabbed it and savagely tore off its head.

"And so you're back from outer space
I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face."

Grinning madly, Heero threw the head at her. Relena stared at the decapitated stuffed omnivore and tears came to her limpid blue eyes. Clenching her fists, she glared up at the Japanese boy. Heero just looked at her and laughed. Dancing over to her, he gleefully kicked over her luggage, causing all her important papers to fly across the floor.

"I should have changed that stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key,"

Prancing over to the door, Heero gleefully broke the knob, throwing the heavy metal mechanism out into the hall. He pointedly ignored the cry of pain that erupted from the stairwell. Storming back over to Relena, he grabbed the keys out of her and removed them from the key ring before swallowing each and every one.

"If I'd have known for just one second you'd back to bother me."

At this point the blonde was livid. Uncomely red splotches liberally stained her cheeks and a vein pulsed out ominously from her forehead. Eyes narrowing, she cracked her knuckles pointedly before letting loose with a strong right hook. But Heero caught her fist in mid air with seemingly little effort.

"Go on now, go walk out the door.
Just turn around now,
'Cause you're not welcome anymore."

Heero reached into the front of his shorts and pulled out a slightly crumpled restraining order. Thrusting the piece of paper at Relena, he let go of her fist and walked around her gloatingly. The Vice Minister read over the document, distress clear on her delicate face. Heero paused behind he and gave he a swift kick to the behind and the blonde fell over with a yelp.

"Weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye?
Did you think I'd crumble?
Did you think I'd lay down and die?"

Relena stared up at him from the floor pitifully. Heero stared at her coldly, clearly unmoved. Growling, the former Queen prepared to launch herself at the impudent commoner when Heero again reached into his spandex, this time from the back. Suddenly a very large and gleaming pistol was aimed at her head. Relena cowed instantly.

"Oh no, no, I. I will survive
Oh as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive."

Standing triumphantly over her, Heero placed his hands on his hips, threw his head back, and laughed psychotically. Relena cautiously edged her way towards the telephone while the Japanese boy seemed diverted. The phone exploded into a million sparkling pieces just as her trembling hand reached for the receiver. Heero smirked down at her, twirling his smoking gun in one hand languidly.

"I've got all my life to live,
and I've got all my love to give,"

Heero tossed the gun away negligently and clasped his hands together, raising them to his cheek. His eyes took on a decidedly dreamy cast as small hearts appeared out of thin air and began to dance around him. Watching this, Relena suddenly reaching into her jacket and pulled out her flask of Jack Daniels. She stared at it, contemplating, before tossing it over her shoulder in resignation.

"And I'll survive,
I will survive. Hey, hey."

Heero danced and pirouetted, showing more grace than the most expert of ballet dancers. The floating hearts followed him along merrily and Relena began digging in her purse for her shrink's business card. Tossing aside bottles upon bottles of Prozac, the blonde finally upended her pocketbook, spilling the remainder of its contents on the floor.

"It took all the strength I had not to fall apart,
Kept trying' hard to mend the pieces of my broken heart,"

Heero ignored the girl's frenzied actions as his mind flickered unsteadily into o flashback. He had been slaving all day over a hot stove to make a special dinner for his love only to watch the hours pass as his quiche became cold. Four hours later, Relena stumbled in, three sheets to the wind, having come back after yet another night of infidelity. The blonde became enraged when Heero timidly inquired about her whereabouts, and the inebriated floozy brutally beat the helpless boy within an inch of his life.

"And I spent oh so many nights,
just feeling sorry for myself."

Heero had moped about for weeks after that incident. He spent his days sitting in front of the television, watching Oprah and eating bonbons, making sure to always keep a full box of tissues beside him. His friends had tried everything to console him, but it was no use. Heero was in a rut and only he could get himself out. After another night of helpless self-pity, his best friend Duo finally sat him down and spoke those four magic words. I Told You So.

"I used to cry
but now I hold my head up high."

Relena paused in her frantic searching as the former Wing pilot broke out into chest wracking, keening sobs. Blue eyes softening, she rose hurriedly to comfort her little prince. Just as her arms wrapped around his shuddering form the door slammed open. Jumping, the Vice Minister's eyes widened as Heero quickly pushed her away and ran towards the intruder, latching on to him in relief. His breathing slowed down to a normal level and he turned back to face the former Queen of the World with his chin raised proudly.

"And you see me somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person still in love with you,"

Duo stood beside Heero somewhat shakily, probably due to the large, doorknob shaped lump rising from his head. Relena looked from one to the other in confusion. Heero shook his head and walked over to the closet, pulling out his suitcase. Dawning realization hit the Vice Minister like a falling building and she threw herself at Heero's feet, begging.

"And so you feel like dropping' in
and just expect me to be free,"

Heero shook his head firmly and pushed her away with one tattered yellow sneaker. Walking past her, he paused thoughtfully before bending over next to her. Relena's eyes shone with hope. But Heero just reached across her to grab his fruit decorated apron, stuffing it in his bag. The blonde stared at him in astonishment.

"Now I'm savin' all my lovin' for someone who's lovin' me"

Walking to the door, Heero reached up and gave Duo a hard, tonsil-tossing kiss. After nearly six minutes of spit swapping, the two boys finally broke for air. Heero looked back at Relena pointedly and dragged Duo out the doorway. The braided boy waved at her cheerfully, his arms threading around Heero's wiry body. Rising quickly, the blonde stumbled after them.

"Go on now, go walk out the door.
Just turn around now,
'cause you're not welcome anymore."

Relena halted Heero desperately. Diving under the couch and pulling out a tattered magazine, she waved it at them enticingly. The cover bore two men and a woman in various compromising positions. Heero took one look at it and laughed. Beside him, Duo seemed contemplative and the Japanese boy turned to glare at him. Grabbing him by the arm, Heero tugged him once more towards the door.

"Weren't you the one who tried to break me with goodbye?
Did you think I'd crumble?
Did you think I'd lay down and die?"

Staring at their retreating backs, Relena slapped herself. Shaking her head ruefully, she walked over to the scattered contents of her purse. She picked up her cell phone and quickly dialed Dorothy's number. A few, quick words later and the vice minister hung up with a grin. The blonde ripped off her business suit, revealing many straps of leather that covered much yet hid little. Walking over to the stereo, she turned up the volume for the last verse.

"Oh no, no, I. I will survive
Oh as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive;"

Dorothy rushed in the still ajar door, carrying a vast array of marmalade and fuzzy handcuffs. Smiling at the vision that was her Relena-sama, she quickly pushed the broken door shut. Relena grinned back at her and Dorothy ran up to her and lifted her up into an enormous bear hug. The two danced around wildly for a moment, before getting down to more...interesting activities.

"I've got all my life to live,
I've got all my love to give"

On the roof across the street two boys stood watch. Heero lifted his binoculars for another peek at their entertainment while Duo kept the video camera trained expertly on the two writhing figures cavorting conveniently by the window. Grinning, Duo made full use of the zoom button while wishing furiously that they had planted some audio equipment in Relena's apartment. His hands fumbled distractedly for their bag of popcorn and met with something large, firm, and spandex-clad.

"And I'll survive,
I will survive."

Blushing, Duo quickly removed his hand. Heero stared at him for a moment, thoughtfully, before throwing aside his binoculars and tackling the other boy. The two went down in a tangle of arms and legs and flying clothing. As the sounds of spring filled the air, neither boy was aware of the small blinking light in Heero's suitcase; a cleverly hidden camera sending a live feed across the street to Relena's apartment.

"I will survive."