Title: Heero Goes to Shoe World
Pairings: bit o 1+2, bit o 1+R
Warnings: little language, little shonen ai, little het.
Notes: Hey Noa! Happy Birthday! *glomps*
Archived: GWA ( www.gwaddiction.com )
Disclaimers: I own neither GW nor Shoe World, Toyota, GQ, Sanrio, Aquafresh, Scope, Trident or Nike. Don't sue me; all you'd get is my cat.
"No! No, no, no, no and NO!" Duo exclaimed as he tried his best to block a certain Japanese boy's way, albeit unsuccessfully.
"Duo-Out of my way." Heero grunted.
"You are not tracking those scanky, mud covered shoes into THIS car!"
"Move." Heero shoved.
" No-aww, Heero! Damn it, this is a rental!" The American banged his head forlornly against the steering wheel of said rented Toyota as Heero hopped in, muddy shoes and all. "Do you KNOW how much they are going to CHARGE me for this?"
"Shut up and drive." Heero grunted.
"Man oh man, look at this.... This will never come out!" Duo whined and gestured wildly. "What the hell is on those shoes anyway?" He asked as they pulled out into the traffic littered street.
"Clay." Heero smirked.
"Clay? Where in the hell do you find CLAY on a colony? Nevermind, I don't even want to know!" Duo sighed and turned a corner harshly, squealing the tires. "Did you get it?"
"One mobile suit navigational chip, Aries model." A paper bag dangled triumphantly in front of Duo's face.
"Good for you," Duo muttered caustically as he snatched the bag out of Heero's grasp. "Cause you'd hate to see what would have been left of you if you didn't. What were you thinking? Stealing DeathScythe's parts AGAIN!" The longhaired boy was practically foaming at the mouth.
"I had a mission." Heero grabbed the door handle as they swerved around yet another corner. "Where are we going? The school is back in the other direction."
"You, my dear kleptomaniac, are going to make this up to me." Duo grinned as he pulled into a local shopping center. "Not only did I have to spend two hundred credits on the rental car AND the sub par replacement part, but now I'll have to pay an additional fee for trashing this thing's interior."
"Make it up to you how?" Heero asked suspiciously and, just a tad eagerly. Duo caught his tone and shook his head.
"Hentai! Is that ALL you think about? We're getting you some new shoes, baka!"
"Oh." Heero pouted (almost).
"Gah.... Just come one." Duo hopped out of the car, dragging a very reluctant Heero with him. (Yes, out of the driver's side *sweats*)
As the author starts her first paragraph that doesn't begin with dialogue, the two Gundam pilots step into a store aptly named Shoe World. Their mission? Shoes. A concept not readily grasped by the uninitiated. Namely, Heero.
"Was that a self insertion?" Heero asked the ceiling above.
As a large and heavy brick fell onto a certain Japanese boy's head (indoors no less!), Duo trotted up to the front counter in order to get the need expertise of a sales clerk. For this mission, they would need all the help they could get.
"So I have this friend, and he doesn't have the best fashion sense, believe me, I'm understating this, and I was wondering if I could get your help in picking out some shoes for said friend." Duo rambled on as he dragged the defenseless clerk along behind him.
"I'd be happy to help you, but I really think you are putting your "friend" down for no reason. Your shoes are very snazzy, not quite retro, not quite GQ, which is very "in" these days." The salesman lisped happily. "But if I could interest you in these ultra hip Badtz Maru socks? They match wonderfully with your black ensemble."
Duo paused. "Uh, no. I really need help for my friend. Really. See?"
The clerk glanced up from staring at Duo's ass-er, accessories to view one green tanktop tucked into black spandex biker shorts complete with a clay covered pair of yellow sneakers.
"Oh dear merciful heavens!" The man gasped. "This boy doesn't need new shoes, he needs a complete wardrobe overhaul!"
Rubbing his sore head, Heero switched his gaze from glaring up at the ceiling to glaring at the sales clerk. "Omae o kurosu." He growled.
"That means 'I appreciate your help'," Duo said hastily as he latched onto Heero, preventing him from drawing his gun.
"Oh, it's really not a problem," The sales clerk's hand flapped around limply. "Anyone who tucks their shirts into spandex deserves my full attention. Are you even wearing underwear under those things?" The man circled around Heero slowly, one finger held to his chin in thought. "Ahh...let me guess, a thong, right? I bet you're one of those animal print type men, all lusty and full of repressed hormones."
"You have no idea," Duo muttered.
Meanwhile our favorite Japanese boy's face has been getting redder and redder and the forefinger of his right hand began twitching spasmodically. "Omae o kurosu." He muttered.
"Oh, no need to thank me! My name is Tam, and I'm going to fix you right up! Just come along now, that's it." The clerk grabbed Heero's hand and began dragging him though the store, muttering about seasons and eye color.
Duo stared after the two for a moment, before shrugging and walking over to the boot section. He browsed through combat boots and work boots, suede booted and heeled boots. Just when he was beginning to think that this store had absolutely nothing to offer him, he spied THEM.
The perfect boots.
That's right. Black leather made from the finest cow ass and cured to glistening perfection on top of sturdy rubber soles with just a slight hint of heel. And across the top, the final touch. A leather strap curving around to the side and slipping into a metallic black buckle. Yes, these boots were a walking orgasm. Duo was in love. There was only one pair left, and they were just his size.
"Truly, these must be my destiny," Duo gushed as he stumbled forward, reaching for the box.
His slender hand curled around the smooth surface of the box and pulled.
The box didn't budge.
Frowning, the American placed his foot on the shelf and pulled harder. He felt the box give a little, before some force yanked it back, causing his arm to slip through the shelf's opening.
Growling, Duo yanked on the box and felt an answering yank in turn. His eyes narrowed and he carefully climbed onto of the shelf to peer over it onto the other side, all the while maintaining a firm hold on his prize.
As his head slowly rose above the top shelf, he came face to face with the fiend that dared touch his conquest. Two pairs of suspicious blue eyes met and widened in shock.
"You!" Two incredulous voices cried. Duo's grip on the box tightened as he stared at Relena Darlian. Relena glared at him and pulled on her end of the box, frowning when it didn't budge.
"You have GOT to be kidding me." They both muttered.
Sighing, Duo propped his head in his hand and gazed at the blond across from him. "Let me guess, you want these shoes too?" He gave the box a slight tug to leave no question as to what he was talking about.
Relena nodded. "They're the perfect boots, right down to the buckle."
"I know." Duo groaned. "And let me guess, these are exactly your size?"
"Of course. I wouldn't want them if they weren't."
Relena fidgeted for a moment and drummed her fingers on the shelf. "Well?" She asked after a minute.
"Well what?" Duo glared.
"Are you going to let go?"
"No! These shoes are mine! I saw them first."
The blonde opened her mouth to protest but she paused as her eyes took on a calculating gleam. "Well, I saw Heero before you did, so that means he's mine then."
"Fine," Duo grunted as he yanked on the box. "You can have him. Just. Let. Go."
"What?" Relena's eyes widened as she nearly lost her grip, both on the shelf and on the shoes. "But wait, no!" She began to pull back.
"Let go of the box, Relena." Duo ground out through gritted teeth.
"Over my dead body." Relena groaned as she placed both feet on the shelf and used them for leverage.
"That...can certainly be arranged." Duo glared and gave the box on last viscous tug.
Unfortunately, the box, being only weak cardboard and not nearly strong enough to stand up to these two titans, gave in and split with a loud 'Riiiiip', causing both combatants to fall backwards on their rumps.
Rubbing her sore posterior, Relena's glower lightened as she spied what rested on her stomach. Grabbing the boot with a crow of triumph, she cast about hastily for its mate.
"Looking for this?" A single black boot dangled around the corner, Duo's cat-like grin inches behind it.
"Why you-" Relena jumped to her feet. "Give me that boot this instant!"
"No way, toots." Duo smirked. "You might as well just give up and hand that one over."
Relena growled and prepared to do battle for said shoe, and total pacifism could kiss her ass. These boots were hers. Duo recognized the challenge and tensed, ready to fight with his life for the black leather beauties.
"No!" A feminine voice screamed. "Don't do it! Don't jump! Don't throw away your life like this! Somebody, help!"
Duo raised his eyebrow. "That sounds like the sales clerk. But he was with Heero just a minute ago."
Realization dawned on the two like a stroke of lightning and the both gasped. "Heero."
Remembering their mutual 'friend's penchant for jumping off high buildings without thinking of the consequences of splattering on the ground, the two rushed towards where they heard the scream.
"But isn't this building only one story high?" Relena asked. Duo was too busy running to reply.
Whirling around the corner that screeched to a halt in front of the sobbing sales clerk.
"I...I tried to stop him.... There was nothing I could do...."
"Where is he?" They both demanded.
Sniffling, the clerk pointed wordlessly towards a giant metal basket full of shoes, a large cardboard sign labeling it as 'The Bargain Bin'. If they squinted, the two could just barely make out a figure swimming in the depths of last year's sandals and other fashion horrors.
"Atrocious, isn't it? I'm afraid to say your friend is beyond help. I'm sorry." Weeping, the clerk walked away.
Duo glanced at Relena and they both rolled their eyes. "Uh, Heero?" Duo asked, sliding up next to the bin.
The American jumped back as a head popped up before him. "Mission accomplished." Heero smirked, as he climbed out of the bin with prize in hand.
Relena stepped up closer to view Heero's acquisition and sweatdropped. "Heero, those look exactly like the shoes you're wearing."
Heero just continued to smile that (crazed) smile of his. Duo groaned and slapped himself in the forehead, then winced in pain as the hand he used was still holding his boot.
"Can we go now?" Heero grunted.
"Can't you do more than one word actions?" Duo shot back.
Heero's eyes narrowed and he took a menacing step forward before whirling around and grabbing Relena for a fierce, heart-stopping kiss. Minutes later, after a good deal of moaning and groping, Heero pulled back. Turning to Duo, he smirked.
"Okay, I guess you can. But it's not like she enjoyed it." Duo pointed to where Relena was currently wiping her mouth on her sleeve, her petite face wrinkled in distaste.
Heero's eyes narrowed once again and he stepped towards Duo with a determined gleam in his eye. "I bet I could make you like it."
"Whoa! Oh no! Get back there, stud." Duo waved him away frantically. "Call me when you buy some Aquafresh. You had one of those garlic and onion burgers earlier today, remember?"
"I noticed," Relena gagged, before opening a travel sized bottle of Scope mouthwash and pouring it into her mouth, gargling loudly.
Heero frowned and reached into his shorts. After a few minutes of rummaging around, his eyes brightened and he pulled out a stick of Trident chewing gum. Popping it into his mouth, he chewed for a moment before grinning and pounce on the defenseless American, causing him to drop his hard won boot. The two wriggled around on the floor as Relena eyed them with disgust.
"Boys." she rolled her eyes and grabbed Duo's discarded boot and running towards the counter, determined to buy them before Duo could stop her.
"Hey! Get back here! Thief! Ack! Heero! That is an inappropriate place to grab in a crowded store! Oiy! Oooh.... My shoes!" His wail (moan) echoed through the depths of the store.
Above them, a Nike promotional add swung appropriately, its words, 'Just Do It.' Being taken completely to heart.