9-17-1999

Shinigami

 

        Darkness. An all consuming blackness that swamps the senses and disorientates the mind. As dark and cold as death itself. I've gotten morbid again, ne? Best to slip on this comforting mask of idiocy. A mask full of smiles and good cheer that doesn't seem to reach my heart. The happy clown that is unaffected by the war that I have become irrevocably tangled in. Hn. A war that stole what little childhood I had a chance to live. Orphaned before I could even remember. Abandoned to survive or die on a colony that didn't give a shit. Orphaned not once, but three times. All because the Federation and its need to control our colonies. In the face of political gain, we were nothing. There is no God, and there are no miracles. The only power above that of man is the power of death, of the God of Death, Shinigami.

        After wandering the colonies for a long time Shinigami found me again. Found me and showed me my destiny as his messenger, as his avatar. I am now the God of Death; my Deathscythe and I sweeping the battlefields, the enemy mobile suits are no match for my thermal scythe. On the battlefield I carry out his wishes, and send more people to hell. I am his servant. I am him, manic cackles of glee the only way to drown out their cries. Laughter to maintain my sanity.

        After all, I don't want to be like Heero 'The Perfect Soldier' Yuy, cold and cut off from the world. No matter what I feel for my silent partner, I don't want to be like him. Nor do I want to be like any of the other pilots who share in this fate. We have all suffered in our own way. We have all become, at the age of 15, guerilla terrorists and suicide pilots. At this age most boys start thinking about girls and dating, but all we can think about is the next mission, the next kill.

        Are we destined to live the rest of our lives like this? Must we be forced to live in darkness, as hit and run terrorists? Must I always remember the way I lost Father Maxwell and Sister Helen? Perhaps…perhaps this is my punishment, my punishment for existing. A dark future suits the God of Death, but…