12-27-1999

Hey every one. Look, look . . . its still alive. Sorry for the crosspost. This is my . . . second fic, drum roll please!

Duo: Alright! ::rolls drum down the hill::

Amy: You are so evil!

Anyway, I wrote this at work when I was feeling rather . . . er, okay . . . really down. Now I feel 'much' better. Its angsty and has a lot of stuff that I've based on personal experience. Now on to the disclaimers!

Disclaimers and Warnings:
I don't own Gundam Wing 'or' Savage Garden, damn.
Each are property of some one else, that is not me.
Lots of angst and the like.

 

Gunning Down a Romance by Savage Garden

 

The years pass quickly sometimes. But what they leave you will can be so different. You could be left with memories of the the past that make you smile, and cry, and laugh. Then sometime, and the worst, is that you don't remember much of anything but the pain.

 

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Love and other moments are just chemical reactions in your brain
In your brain
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For some people the pain is a reminder of how they can fix what they did wrong at a point in their lives. For me, its a reminder that I will never find happiness and that my moment of idiocy can 'never' be repaired.

 

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And feelings of aggression are the absence of the love drug in your veins
In your veins
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The pain often makes me aggressive and confrontational. Poor Quatre, who tried so hard to help me, was often on the receiving end. I think I even gave him a black eye once. But he understood, he always did.

 

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Love come quickly
Because I feel my self esteem is caving in
It's on the brink
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Despite myself I'm often left wondering in the darkest part of the night. Staring up at the white ceiling, black in the witching hour, thoughts careening through the tattered parts of my mind. Possible reasons why he left so suddenly, the inky blackness warping each thought, making them seem ten times worse than they did in the light. What was it that made him leave? Was I too fat, too skinny, too loud? Was I simply too stupid and mentally bereft to keep him entertained? And in the darkest hours, I finally come to realize that simply, it was me. The idea of entering into a relationship with me, another male, was what had finally scared him off.

 

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Love come quickly
Because I don't think I can keep this monster in
It's in my skin
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And all I can do is curl up under the warm covers and cry myself into a fitful sleep, dreaming of a pair of intense blue eyes, whimpering his name into the soaked cover of my pillow.

 

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Love and other socially acceptable emotions are morphine
They're morphine
****************

 

The depression is bad, but the meds those quacks put me on is even worse. Some mornings I can feel them melting my brain cells, but all I can do is smile like the imbecile I am because The medication doesn't let me do anything else.

 

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Cleverly concealing primal urges often felt but rarely seen
Rarely seen
****************

 

But it can't hide the shaking of my hands when ever 'he' is mentioned.

 

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Love I beg you
Lift me up into that privileged point of view
The world of two
****************

 

The dreams when I'm on the medication is the worst part, not even the crash off the meds can compare. My dreams . . . are happy. Sweet memories from the church, before it was burned down, stolen moments in 'his' company, when we were still close . . . And then there's the nice dreams, where 'he' is still here, with me, loving me, smiling at me. Those dreams are the worst.

 

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Love don't leave me
Because I console myself that Hallmark cards are true
I really do
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The others have been so nice to me, even Wufei. And I thought he hated me. Goes to show who ones real friends are when things blow up in your face. And the only good thing about my breakdown, is that is brought Quatre and Trowa together. They're only thing I have to show that love really does exist.

 

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I'm gunning down romance
It never did a thing for me
But heartache and misery
Ain't nothing but a tragedy
****************

 

Somedays I feel like hoping inside Shinigami and blowing myself to hell, or just flying away until I run out of places to go. But the others keep a close eye on me, and Deathscythe self-destruct has been removed. But a good terrorist could find away to blow it up with out the trigger. Not that the others let me anywhere near my Gundam, not after my first attempt.

 

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Love don't leave me
****************

 

All I have now is my white ceiling and tear stained pillow. Crying in the night for the one person I can't have.

 

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Take these broken wings
I'm going to take these broken wings
And learn to fly
And learn to fly away
And learn to fly
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~~Owari~~
Amy (Kikotei)
12/27/99