Title: The Perks of Being a Wallflower
One of Us 1-7/??

Author: Znma

Parings: relena + some guy, 3 +4, solo + 2, 4 + dorothy (more to come)

Notes: This is the Third Chapter of the "Perks..." series. yea...

Warnings: AU OOC Drugs bla bla bla

Disclaimer: some mine, some not. you figure it out.

~To Fallen-koi, my love to you always~
~Pocky to everyone who has encouraged me to continue~

January 4, AC 196

Dear Friend,

I'm sorry for the last letter. Honestly, I don't remember much of it, but from how I woke up it probably isn't that great. I remember after I finished it I walked around the house looking for and envelope and stamp and when I finally found them I walked down the hill to the post office because I knew if I didn't put it in a mailbox that I couldn't get it back from I wouldn't have mailed it. It seemed really important at the time.

Once I got to the post office and mailed it I felt calm. Then I started to throw up and didn't stop until dawn. And I looked down the road and saw cars and they were all going to their grandparent's houses and stuff. And would probably watch my brother's game later that day. And my mind was going in circles.

Wufei - football - Quatre - Dave and his girlfriend in my room - the coats - the cold - the winter - "Eves War" - don't tell anyone - you pervert - Duo and Solo - Duo - Christmas - typewriter - gift - Uncle Jay - and the trees kept moving - they just wouldn't stop moving - so I laid down and made a snow angel.

The policeman found me blue and asleep.

I didn't stop shaking for a long time. No one got in trouble because things like this used to happen a lot when I was still seeing the doctor. I mean, they all knew I was at a party but they didn't think it had anything to do with it. So I kept my mouth shut so that I wouldn't get Trowa or Duo or Rashad in trouble. But most of all, I kep my mouth shut because I didn't want to see my parents face when I told them the truth.

I spent the day noticing things. Like the dots on the ceiling, or how the doctor looked fake. And then the doctor told my parents that he thought I should start seeing a psychiatrist again. That is the first time they have told them with me in the room. And I kept thinking that my family was missing Wufei's game because of me. And hopefully Relena had enough sense to get it on tape.

Luckily, she did. And when we got home my mom made me tea and my dad kept giving me love pats. And we all watched the game, but no one really cheered. They all had the corner or their eyes on me. My mom kept saying things about how I was doing really well this year and that maybe the doctor could help me straighten things out. Relena even said that she would help me fix my hair.

"What do you mean? What's wrong with my hair?"

Relena kind of looked around the room like she was uncomfortable. So I reached up and I realized that a lot of it was missing, like I had taken a pair of scissors and just started chopping off parts. I don't remember doing it at all. But that doesn't surprise me because I was trying to avoid mirrors at the party; I guess I was afraid of myself. Or else I would have noticed.

So, Relena helped me trim it up a bit. Except now it sticks out every which way and I can't do anything with it and it falls in my eyes. But everyone at school, including Duo and Trowa, said that it looked really, really good.

"Chic." Was Trowa's word.

Regardless, I have decided never to try LSD again.



January 25, AC 196

Dear Friend,

I feel great! I just had a great few days. I should try to remember this for when I am having a bad week. I should store up all the details and remember them when I am feeling bad.

Actually it didn't start out that great. I went to the school library and checked out a book because I was getting scared. Every now and then things would start to move again. The book said that some people who take LSD never get out of it and essentially the drug is 12 hours of schizophrenia.

I started to breathe fast in the library. I remembered some schizophrenic kids at the hospital when I was there. And I decided to wear the suit that Trowa had gotten me for Christmas to school and was teased for 9 hours straight. It was such a bad day that I skipped my first class and went to see Duo and Trowa outside.

"Looking sharp, Heero," Duo said grinning.

"Can I have a cigarette?" I said.

"Sure," Trowa said.

Duo stopped him.

"What's wrong, Heero?"

I told them what was wrong and Trowa kept asking if I had a 'bad trip.'

"No. No. It's not that." I was getting upset.

Duo put his arm around my shoulder and told me that he knew what I was going through. Once you do it you remember what things look like on it. That's all. Like how the road turned into waves and I looked fake. It's all in your mind. Then he handed me a cigarette.

When I lit it I didn't cough or anything. It felt soothing. That's probably a bad sign in a health class kind of way.

"Now focus on the smoke. Does that look normal?"

"Uh-huh," I said.

"Now look at the cement on the playground. Is that moving?"


"Okay… now focus on that piece of paper over there." And I did. "Is the cement moving?"

"No. Its not."

And that really helped because things got better after that I haven't skipped another class. And I gave Zechs my report on "The Catcher in the Rye" written on my new old typewriter. He said it was the best one yet.

My psychiatrist is a great man. A lot better than the one I used to go to. We talk about all sorts of stuff from Duo and Trowa to things that happened when I was little. But the best part about him is that he has music magazines in his waiting room. So I read this one that had an article about Nirvana in it and they compared the singer to John Lennon. And since Duo and Trowa really like then I told them about it later.

Duo got mad and said that if he were like anyone it would be Jim Morrison but he isn't really like anyone. We all at the Big Boy after "Rocky Horror," and it started this big discussion.

Solo said the problem is that everyone always compares everyone to everyone else, and because of that it discredits people.

Rashad said it was about parents not wanting to let go of their youth and how it kills them when then they don't relate to something.

Trowa said that it is hard to break new ground because someone has already done it. With the Beatles it was easy because they were the first to do so the sky was the limit.

"What do you think, Heero?"

I said that the magazine was trying to make him a hero but later someone will dig up something to make him less of a person. And I didn't know why because to a person like me his is just a guy who writes good songs that a lot of people like. I could have been wrong but everyone started talking about it.

Duo blamed television. Trowa blamed the government. Solo blamed 'corporate media.' Rashad was in the bathroom.

I don't know what it was but it just felt really good to sit there and talk. Like we were discussing something really important but it was just chatter. And I tried to sit back and watch Duo sitting next to Solo and not feel sad. But honestly, it was very hard. At one point Solo was going on about something and Duo turned at smiled at me. It seemed like it was in slow motion and it was a smile only for me.

I told this to my shrink but he said it was too late to draw any conclusions. I think he's reading into to the smile too much. Oh well.



February 8, AC 196

Dear Friend,

Ok this is kind of weird for me, but I have a date to the Sadie Hawkins' dance. In case you didn't know, it's when the girl asks the guy and in this case, the girl is Hilde and the guy is me.

I think it all started when I was helping Hilde staple the latest issue of "Punk Rocky" on Friday before we went to "The Rocky Horror Picture Show." She was being really nice and said that it was the best issue yet for two reasons, and both were because of me. First because it was in colour and second because it had the poem that I gave to Trowa for Christmas in it.

It really was a great issue and I think I'll even think so when I'm older. First Solo put in some colour photographs he took. And Duo wrote some 'underground' news about some local bands. Trowa made a fake coupon for a free blowjob to anyone who bought a Smiley Cookie at the Big Boy.

Also there was a naked picture of Trowa from the back. Duo had Solo take it. Hilde asked that everyone keep it a secret that the picture was of Trowa, which everyone did, except for Trowa.

He kept saying "Flaunt it, baby! Flaunt it!" his favorite line from the movie "The Producers." (1)

Hilde thought that he put the picture in it just so Quatre could have a naked picture of him without it being suspicious. I wasn't sure but then Quatre bought one without even looking at it, so maybe she was right.

When we went to "Rocky Horror" that night Hilde was really mad because Solo didn't show up and no one, not even Duo, knew why. So there was no one to play Rocky. It was about 10 min before the show was going to start and everyone was already in costume, except for Hilde who was panicking and looking for her glittery top hat to be Columbia. And after a looking around for a bit, Hilde turned to me.

"Heero, how many times have you seen the show?"


"Can you play Rocky?"

"I'm not cut and hunky." (2)

"It doesn't matter. Can you play him?"

"I guess."

"Do you guess or do you know?"

"I guess."

"Good enough."

Next thing I know I'm wearing nothing but slippers and a speedo bathing suit that someone had painted gold. I don't know how these things happen to me. But I was really nervous because during the show Rocky gets to touch Janet a lot and Duo was playing Janet. Trowa kept joking that was going to get hard and I almost didn't do the show. But Duo said that he really wanted me to play Rocky. (3)

I won't go into to much detail about the show, but it was the most fun I have ever had! I got to pretend I was singing and dance around. I even got to wear a feather boa during the Floor Show at the end. Trowa couldn't get over that.

"Heero in a feather boa! That's too much!" He just couldn't stop laughing.

The best part was the "Toucha-Toucha-Touch Me" scene. But it wasn't the best part because I got to touch Duo and he got to touch me. Just the opposite. I know that sounds weird but its true. Just before the scene I thought about Duo and thought that if I touched him like that on stage and meant it, then it would be cheap, and I respect Duo too much. I don't want it to be Rocky and Janet. I would want it to be Duo and I. So we just played.

And after the show we all stood there and bowed. Then Trowa shoved me in front and I got my own applause. I think it is inanition for new cast members. It was cool to have everyone applaud for me. And I was glad that no one in my family was there to see me dancing around in a feather boa, especially my dad.

We all went to the Big Boy, like usual and when we were standing in the parking lot Hilde came up to me.

"You looked really good in your costume." She said.

I like girls, I really do. Because they can say you look good in a gold swimsuit even when you don't. Then she asked me to the dance. I thought about how Zechs told me to participate so I said, "Yes." (4)

Actually I wasn't even planning on going to the dance, but since she asked me I figured I might as well. Also I didn't expect Duo to ask me. Yea I know he is a guy, but he seems to take the role of a girl in this type of situation. At least that is what he said. So I figured he would either take Solo or Trowa. Honestly, I wanted Duo to get jealous about Hilde asking me. But he couldn't have been happier about it. He even told me how to treat Hilde on the date.

"You want to tell her that you like her outfit because a girl can choose their outfit, not their face. And with some girls you should open car doors and buy flowers, but with Hilde (especially because it is a Sadie Hawkins' dance) you shouldn't do that."

He also said that I should ask her a lot of questions and let her keep talking. He said that sex things would be difficult because Hilde is more experienced.

"But I don't like her like that." I said.

"It won't matter. She likes you and will probably want to kiss you. You should just kiss her back the same way."

"Can you show me?" I asked.

"Don't get smart." Duo laughed.

"But I don't want to do anything sexual with her."

"Just tell her you aren't ready."

"Does that work?"


I wanted to ask Duo about the other part of the "sometimes" but I thought it might be too personal, and deep down I didn't want to know. I really wish I could stop loving Duo. It's really hard.



February 15, AC 196

Dear Friend,

I don't feel too good because everything is messy. I did go to the dance, and I did tell Hilde how nice her outfit was, and I asked her lots of questions and let her talk the whole time. But most of all I learned about Hilde.

Hilde wants to go to some Berkeley and get two degrees. One in political science and one in sociology with a minor in woman's studies. She hates high school and wants to explore a lesbian relationship. I asked her if she thought girls were pretty, and she said that wasn't the point.

Her favorite colour is green. Her favorite food is pizza (half mushrooms, half olives). Her favorite ice cream (she refuses to eat low fat on principle alone) is Cherry Garcia. Hilde is a vegaterian and hates her parents. And also speaks fluent German. (5)

The only thing she asked me the whole night was if I wanted to kiss her. I told her I wasn't ready and she said she understood.

"You know, Heero. I had a really great time and you are one of the most sensitive people I have ever met." I didn't understand that because all I did was not interrupt her. I guess that's all you need to do to be sensitive.

Incidentally, Duo took Trowa to the dance after Solo said he didn't want to go. I guess they had a huge fight about it. Finally, Solo said he didn't want to go to some stupid high school dance after he graduated. At one point Trowa went to the parking lot to get stoned with his guidance councilor and Hilde went to request some girl bands, so that left Duo and I alone.

"Are you having a good time?"

"Not really." He answered. "Are you?"

"I don't know. It's my first date, so I have nothing to compare it to."

"Don't worry, you're doing fine."


"Yea. You want some punch?" And Duo went off to get some punch for us.

Duo really did look sad. His eyes didn't sparkle too much. I wish there was something I could have done to help him out. But I just stood and watched the people at the dance. I saw Quatre and Dorothy dancing and all the other faces I see in the halls.

But the one thing really different was my sister. Relena and her boyfriend were dancing then they seemed to get in a fight because he stopped looking at her. Then she suddenly fled the dance floor and ran to the bathrooms. I went to go after her but she was too far ahead. Her boyfriend just stood around for a while then eventually left. Relena never came back to the dance.

After Hilde dropped me off I found Relena crying the basement.

"Are you ok?"

"Leave me alone, Heero!"

"No. Really, what's wrong?"

"You wouldn't understand."

"I could try."

"That's a laugh."

"I could get mom and dad, I'm sure they could…."

"Enough! Stop it, Heero! Just shut up!"

I turned to leave when suddenly Relena grabbed me and gave me a hug. It was weird because I had never hugged my sister before without being forced. But then she started to really cry. I mean really sob. I had never seen her like that. After a while she calmed down and sat back. She took a deep breath and wiped away the hair that was sticking to her face.

That's when she told me she was pregnant.

I would tell you more about the night but I don't remember much. She said she told her boyfriend at the dance and he said it wasn't his. She said it was and they broke up right there. Relena hasn't told anyone else and she doesn't want it to get around. The only people that know are her, him, and me. And I am not aloud to tell anyone we know. Not anyone. Not ever.

I told her that after a while she wouldn't be able to hide it. She said that she wasn't going to let it get that far. She said she was 18 and she didn't need mom or dad's permission. All she needed was someone to drive her to the clinic and wait for her. That person is me.

"It's a good thing I have my license now."

I said that to make her laugh. But she didn't.



February 23, AC 195

Dear Friend,

I was sitting in the waiting room of the clinic for about an hour or so. I don't remember exactly how long I had been there. Zechs gave me a new book to read, but I couldn't concentrate. I guess it makes sense why not.

So I started to read some of the magazines but all of them had pictures of half naked girls on them. And I started to wonder if that was part of the job or if they didn't think that they could get any jobs if they didn't show their cleavage. Then that magazine would be on all the newsstands and all sorts of people would see it and people think that it is important. And I thought about how girls like Hilde would be angry about that actress or model doing that. And Solo would just look at the quality of the photograph. I wonder that the model's boyfriend thought about her doing that.

Then I started thinking about Relena. How her and her friends used to paint my nails and put make-up on me and that was ok because I was little. And how when she started to become a 'young lady' no one was aloud to look at her because she thought she was fat, even though she wasn't. And the look in her eyes when she first saw a boy that she thought was cute. And how her eyes looked when she realized that guys thought she was attractive. I wondered how her eyes would look when she came out today.

Relena was the one who had first told me where babies come from. And she was the one who immediately laughed when I asked where babies go.

When I thought about that I started to cry. I couldn't let anyone see me or they might not let me drive her home. Then they would have to call mom and dad. It was the first time that someone had actually counted on me to do something for them. Come to think of it, it was the first time since I made that promise to Uncle Jay that I cried. And after a while I couldn't hide it anymore so I went out to the car.

I must have been there for a long time, because that's where Relena eventually found me. I was crying and chain-smoking. She knocked on the window and I rolled it down. She looked at me with a curious statement, then it turned to anger.

"Heero, are you smoking?!?"

She was so mad.

"I can't believe you are smoking!"

That's when I stopped crying and started to laugh. Of all the things she could have said when she got out of there she picked on my smoking. I was glad in a way, because if she was angry then her eyes wouldn't be different and everything would be ok.

"I'm going to tell mom and dad."

"No your not." God, I couldn't stop laughing.

Then Relena thought about it for a minute and realized why she couldn't tell mom and dad. Like suddenly where we were and what just happened hit her, and how crazy our whole conversation was considering that. Then she started to laugh.

But the laughter made her sick so I got out of the car and took a pillow and blanket out of the trunk and helped her lay down in the back. Then I got back in and turned on the car so that she would have a heater. I figured it was probably best for her to sleep it off before we went back home.

Just before she fell asleep she said, "IF you are going to smoke, can you at least crack the window?"

Which made me start laughing again.

"Heero smoking. I can't believe it."

I just laughed harder, "I love you." I said.

"I love you too, just stop with the laugher."

So I took out the book Zechs gave me to read and we stayed there until dusk. Then I put the no-smoking pamphlet that Zechs also gave me in the book to mark my page, and drove home.

When we were two blocks from the house I woke Relena up and I put the pillow and blanket back in the trunk. Once we got in the house my mom came flying down the stairs.

"Where have you two been all day?" Relena gave her a kiss on the cheek.

I started talking about how we went to a movie and Mc Donald's and how Relena taught me to drive on the freeways.

"What movie did you see?" My dad asked as Relena kissed on the cheek too.

I froze but luckily Relena named one that I had never heard of and talked about how it was ok. My dad seemed satisfied with the answer. The only other comment made about the day was from my mom that she was glad Relena and I were spending more time together.

That night after out parents went to sleep I went down to the car and got out the pillow and blanket. I walked into Relena's room and she was already in bed. She spoke very softly and thanked me for the whole day. She said that she was going to tell that boy that it was a false alarm. I guess she just didn't trust him with the truth anymore.

"Listen, Heero. I really do want you to stop smoking, you hear?"

"I hear." I said.

"Because I really do love you."

"I love you, too."

"I mean it." She insisted.

"So do I."


But I couldn't sleep so I went to the basement and watched some infomercials. There was this one for some extreme workout machine that kept flashing a 1-800 number. So I called it and the woman who answered the phone was named Michele. I told Michele I was just a kid and didn't need an exercise machine but I hoped she had a good night.

That's when Michele hung up on me. And I didn't mind a bit.



March 7, AC 195

Dear Friend,

Girls are weird. There is no other way I can put it. Hilde asked me out on another date and it was very much like the last one only we got to wear more comfortable clothes.

I did get to drive this time though, which was good. I asked my dad at dinner if I could borrow the car.

"What for?" He asked.

"Heero's got a girlfriend." Relena teased.

"She's not my girlfriend." I said. (6)

"Who is this girl?" my dad asked.

"What's going on?" my mom asked from the kitchen.

"Heero wants to borrow the car." My dad replied.

"What for?" she asked.

"What's what I'm trying to find out!" my father said with a raised voice.

"No need to get snippy." My mother said.

"Sorry." He said without really meaning it. Then he turned to me, "So tell me about this girl."

So I told him a little about Hilde, leaving out the tattoo and the bellybutton ring. He kind of smiled as if he was trying to see if I was guilty of something already. And then my mom came in and my dad told her the whole story while I ate dessert.

That night I was finishing my book when my dad came in and sat on the edge of my bed. He lit a cigarette and started telling me about sex. He gave me the talk a few years before but it was more biological then. Now, it was things like...

"I know I'm your old man, but..."

"You can never be too careful these days..."

"wear protection..."

"if she says 'no' you have to assume she means it because if you force her to do something that she doesn't want to, your in big trouble, mister. And even if she says 'no' but means 'yes' then she is playing games and isn't worth the price of dinner..."

"if you need someone to talk you can come to me, and if for some reason you don't want to talk to me, talk to Wufei..."

and finally, "I'm glad we had this talk."

Which was funny because I just sat there and nodded, wondering if I should tell him I am not sexually attracted to girls. Oh well.

Anyway, I went to a movie with Hilde, and it was a foreign film with subtitles. She kept saying how "articulate" it was after it was over. I wasn't sure if I got the message or anything. It seemed good to me, but not in the same way that Hide thought it was good.

After that I drove her to this record store called "Vinyl Solutions" that sells underground music and even still has old records from way back in the day. Hilde gave me a tour. She loves this place and hangs out there a lot. She introduced me to the girl who was working there who had weird half blondish-red hair and half dark brown. (7) Then she bought me a Lou Reed record and asked if I wanted to go back to her house and listen to it.

So next thing I know I am standing in her basement looking around while she is upstairs getting us drinks. It was very clean and smelled like people didn't really live there. She brought some brandy down and asked me to pour the drinks as she made a fire. While she did that she was telling me how she wanted to marry a man and move to Vermont so they could always have fires. It was weird. Hilde had never talked like that before.

She put on the record, which has this like five-minute guitar solo introduction and then like 13-minute songs. (8)It was really good. But, after she put it on she sort of danced over to me and took the drink from me as she sat down.

"Do you like the record, Heero?"


"Do you like me, Heero?"

"uh-huh" as a friend.

I probably should have said that last part out loud because next thing I know Hilde is kissing my neck and then my mouth. I just kind of sat there in shock. But I didn't have too much time to react because then we heard the garage door and that meant her parents were home. So I left and she said that she would call me.

Honestly, I have no clue what to do about Hilde. I need to talk to Duo or Trowa about this.



March 28, AC 196

Dear Friend,

It's starting to get a little warmer here and people seem to be getting nicer in the halls at school. Well, not necessarily nicer to me, but it's still nice.

Ever since Hilde and I went out it has been different. It started at school on Monday when Duo and Trowa looked at me with bug grins. Hilde told them about the (non)kiss. They were both kind of teasing me about it and Duo kept saying,

"Gee, Heero. Are you sure you don't like her? You two would be great together."

That was rough considering that I am in love with the guy. Plus Hilde conveniently left out the part where I didn't kiss her back. But I think that Hilde agrees with the second part of Duo's statement. She's starting to act completely different. She's nice all the time, but it doesn't feel right. It's like after school we'll all be hanging out having a cigarette with Duo and Trowa and we'll be talking about something until its time to go home. Then, as soon as I get home Hilde will call and ask me, "What's up?" And I don't know what to say because all that has happened is that I walked home. So I tell her about the walk and then she starts talking and doesn't stop for a long time. She's been doing that all week. That and picking lint off my clothes.

And at one point last week ago, she was talking about books, and she included a lot of the ones that I had read. And when I told her that she just asked me really long questions about them, which were just her opinions with a question mark at the end so all I could answer was "yes" or "no." There was honestly no room for anything else. After that, she started talking about her plans for college, which I heard before, so I put down the phone and went to the bathroom, and when I got back she was still talking. I know that was mean but honestly I felt that I if I didn't take I break I would yell or hang up the phone or something.

She also keeps talking about the Lou Reed album that she gave me. And she says that she wants to expose me to all these great things. To tell you the truth, I don't know if I want to be exposed to these great things if it means that I'll have to hear Hilde talk about all the great things she exposed me to all the time. It feels like there are three things involved: Hilde, me, and the great things, but only the first one matters to Hilde. I don't understand that. If I gave someone a record it would be so that they could love the record, not so that they would always know that I gave it to them.

Then there was dinner. Since the holidays were over, my mom asked if I wanted to have Duo and Trowa over for dinner like she promised. I was so excited. I told Trowa and Duo and we made plans for Sunday night. About two hours later, Hilde walked up to me in the hall, and said,

"What time Sunday?"

I didn't know what to do. It was just supposed to be Trowa and Duo. That was the whole idea from the beginning. And I never even invited Hilde. I guess I know why she assumed she would be invited, but she never even waited to see. Or even drop a hint. Or anything.

So at the dinner, the dinner where my mom and dad were supposed to see how nice and great Trowa and Duo were, Hilde talked the whole time. It wasn't really her fault. My mom and dad asked her more questions than they asked Duo or Trowa. I guess it is because I took her out, and that is more curious to them than my friends are. But still, it was like they never got to meet Duo and Trowa and that was the whole point. Even after dinner was over and they all left, all my mom had to say was Hilde seemed smart, and my dad said that my "girlfriend" seemed pretty.

Relena has been reading these feminist books ever since she told that boy that her pregnancy was a false alarm. He had wanted to get back together, but she said no. So I asked her about Hilde because I knew that she could be neutral about it, epically since she wasn't at dinner. My sister said Hilde is suffering from low self-esteem, but I told her that she said the same thing about Duo back in November when he started dating Solo, and Duo is completely different. Everything can't be low self-esteem, can it?

Relena tried to clarify things. She said that by introducing me to great things, Hilde gained a "superior position" and she wouldn't need that if she were confidant of herself. She also said that people who try to control situations all the time are afraid they if they don't nothing will work out they way they want.

I don't know if this is right or not, but it made me feel sad regardless. Not for Hilde. Not for me. Just in general because I am starting to think that I don't know who Hilde is at all. I'm not saying that she is lying to me, but she acted so different before I got to know her, and really isn't they way she was at the beginning and I just didn't realize it. I don't want to be another thing that Hilde is in charge of.

I asked Relena what I should do and she said that I should be honest with my feelings. I asked my psychiatrist and he said the same thing. And then I really felt bad because I thought that maybe I was different from how Hilde originally saw me, too. And maybe I was lying by not telling her from the start that it was hard to listen to her and that I didn't want to be her boyfriend. I don't know where I went wrong.

I tried to call Wufei about this but his roommate said that he was busy studying. But I did send him a report that I wrote for Zechs on "Walden" so he can share it with Addison and we could talk about it. Then I would ask him what to do about Hilde. Even if we didn't talk about it I would love to meet Wufei's girlfriend. I did get to see her once on TV cheering for his team, but it's really not the same. Even if she was very beautiful, just not in an unconventional way. I don't know why I am saying all this. I just wish Hilde would ask me questions other than "What's up?"



April 18, AC 195

Dear friend,

I've made a terrible mess of things. I really have. I feel terrible about it. Trowa said that the best thing I could do was stay away for awhile.

It all started last Monday. Hilde came to school with a book of poetry by a famous poet named e.e. cummings. The story behind the book was that she saw a movie where they read one of his poems that compares a woman's hands to flowers and rain. She liked the poem so she bought the book. She has read it lots of times since and wanted me to have a copy. Not the one that she bought, but a new one.

All day she made me show everyone the book.

I know I should have been grateful because it was a very nice thing to do. But I wasn't at all. I acted like I was, though. To tell you the truth, I was starting to get mad. Maybe if she had given me the copy that she bought herself, it would have been different. Or maybe if she just hand-copied the poem that she loves. And definitely if she didn't make me show everyone we know.

I should have been honest then, but I didn't think it was the right time.

After school I didn't want to go home because I couldn't deal with having to talk to Hilde. So instead I went to the mall and returned the book that she bought me. I didn't do anything with the money; it just sat in my pocket. But by the time I got home, I was feeling so bad about returning the book that I was crying. I was crying so hard that Relena stopped what she was doing to ask if I was all right.

I told her about Hilde and the book and Relena drove me back to the bookstore because I was too messy to drive. I got the book back and felt much better.

When Hilde called later and asked where I had been all day I told her that I went shopping with my sister. She asked if I bought her something nice, and I told her I did. I don't think she even meant it seriously, but I said yes anyway. I just felt bad about returning the book. So I spent the next hour on the phone listening to her talk about the book. After that I asked Relena to drive me back to the store so that I could get Hilde something, but she told me to drive myself.

The next day at school I gave her a copy of "To Kill a Mockingbird." The first thing Hilde said was:

"That's original"

I kept reminding myself that she didn't say it mean. She wasn't criticizing. Or comparing. She really wasn't. So I told her about how Zechs gives me books to read outside of class and that was the first one that he gave me. And how special it was to me. Then she said:

"Thank you, it's very sweet."

But then she went off about how she read it three years ago and that the book was "overrated" and how it was turned into a black-and-white movie that won Academy Awards. I just kind of put my feelings away after that.

I left school, walked around, and didn't come home until one in the morning. When I explained it to my dad he told me to act like a man.

When Hilde asked where I was I told her that I took the book and a pack of cigarettes to the Big Boy and spent all day reading it. I knew I was safe saying that because she would never ask me a question about it. And I was right. After she was done talking about it that time, I felt that I didn't even need to read it myself, even if I wanted to.

I definitely think that I should have been honest then, but to tell you the truth, I was getting as mad as I did when I used to play sports, and it was starting to scare me.

So, on Friday we had a special showing of "Rocky Horror." What made it special was that everyone knew it was the beginning of spring break and a lot of the kids were still in their suits and dresses from Mass. It just added extra excitement to it.

After the show Solo invited us to his apartment to hang out. He put on music and we all drank wine. After a while Trowa suggested that we play Truth or Dare, which he loves to play when he is buzzed.

Guess who chose dares all night? Me. I just couldn't take the chance of having to tell Hilde the truth because of a game.

I was working pretty well most of the night. I was actually pretty buzzed because most of my dares were things like chug a beer. Then Trowa gave me a dare. I don't think he realized what he was doing, but he gave it to me anyway.

"Kiss the pretties person here a kiss on the lips."

That's when I chose to be honest. In retrospect, I couldn't have picked a worse time.

The silence started after I stood up (Hilde was sitting next to me). By the time I knelt in front of Duo and kissed him the silence was unbearable. It wasn't a romantic kiss. I was like when I was Rocky and she was Janet. But it didn't matter.

I could say it was the wine or the beer that I chugged. But I would be lying. The truth was that Trowa dared me and if I kissed Hilde, I would have been lying to everyone. Including Duo. Including Trowa. And including Hilde. And I just couldn't do it anymore, even if it was part of a game.

After the silence Trowa did his best to salvage the evening. The first thing he said was,

"Well, wasn't that awkward."

It didn't work. Hilde got up and quickly left the room and into the bathroom. Duo got up and followed her, but before he was completely out of the room he turned to me and said,

"What the fuck is wrong with you."

I was cold, dark, and deadly serious. I looked at his face and how much he meant it and I realized how bad I felt. Trowa immediately stood up and took me out of Solo's apartment. We walked out to the street and the only thing I was aware of was that I was cold. I thought I should go back and apologize. Trowa said,

"No. I'll get our coats, stay here."

When Trowa left me outside I started to cry. The panicky type and I couldn't stop. When he came back I said through tears,

"I really think that I should go apologize."

"You don't want to go in there."

He jingled his keys in my face.

"Come on, I'll take you home."

When we got in the car, I told him about everything that had been going on. About the record. And the book. And "To Kill a Mockingbird." And how Hilde never asked any questions. All Trowa said was,

"It's too bad that you are so into Duo."

That made me stop crying a bit.

"Then again I would never date you. You're too messed up."

That made me start to laugh a little bit.

"Jesus, and I thought Quatre was fucked up."

That really made me laugh and Trowa turned on the radio and we drove through the tunnels back home. When he dropped me off, he told me that the best thing I could do was to just stay away for a while. He said that when he knew more, he would give me a call.

"Thanks, Trowa."

"Don't mention it."

Then I said, "You know, if I wasn't so into Duo I'd want to date you."

I don't know why I said it. It just seemed right.

He just smiled all cocky and said, "Of course." Then, he peeled out down the road.

When I lay down on my bed I put on the Lou Reed record and started reading the book. After I read Hilde's favorite I put it down I went to the window. I stared at my reflection and the trees behind it for a long time and thought about nothing.

Something is really wrong with me, and I don't know what.


April 26, AC 195

Dear Friend,

Nobody has called me since that night. I don't blame them. I spent the whole vacation reading "Hamlet" and writing my report on it for Zechs.(9) It also helped me try to figure out what's wrong with me. It didn't give me any answers necessarily, but it was helpful to know that someone else has been through it. Especially someone who lived such a long time ago.

I did call Hilde, and I told her that I had been listening to the record and I really like the e.e. cummings book.

She just said, "It's too late, Heero."

I would have explained that I didn't want to start going on dates again, and that I never even thought about her that way to begin with and I just wanted to be friends, but I knew it would have only made things worse, so I didn't.

I just said, "I'm sorry."

And I really was sorry. And I know she believed me. But it didn't make any difference, and there was nothing but a awkward silence on the phone. It really was too late.

Trowa did call me, but all he said was that Solo got really mad a Duo about me, and that I should keep staying away until things got clear. I asked him if he wanted to go out, just him and me. He said that he would be busy with Quatre and family things, but he'd try to call if he found the time. So far he hasn't.

I would tell you about Easter Sunday with my family, but I've already told you about Thanksgiving and Christmas, and there really isn't much of a difference. Except that my dad got a raise and my mom didn't because she doesn't get paid for doing housework, and my sister stopped reading those self-esteem books because she met a new boy.

Wufei did come home, but when I asked him if Addison had read my report on "Walden," he said no because she broke up with him when she found out that she was cheating in her.(10) That happened a while ago. So, I asked if he had read the report yet, but he hadn't because he has been very busy. He said he would try to read it over vacation. So far he hasn't.

So, I went to visit Uncle Jay, and for the first time in my life, it didn't help. I even tried to follow my own plan and remember all the details about the last time I had a great week, but that didn't help either.

I know that I brought this all on myself. I know that I deserve this. I'd do anything not to be this way. I'd do anything to make it up to everyone. And to not have to see a psychiatrist, who explains to me about being "passive aggressive." And to not have to take Celexa, which is too expensive for my dad.(11) And to not have to talk about bad memories with him. Or to be nostalgic about bad things.

I just wish that God, or my parents, or Duo, or Relena, or someone would just tell me what's wrong with me. Just tell me how to be different in a way that makes sense. To make this all go away. And to disappear. I know it is wrong because it is my responsibility, and I know that things will get worse before they get better because that's what my psychiatrist says, but this is a worse that feels too big.

After a week of not talking to anyone, I finally called Rashad. I know that is wrong, but I didn't know what else to do. I asked him if he had anything that I could buy. He said that he had a quarter ounce of pot left. So, I took some of my Easter money and bought it.

I've been smoking it all the time since.




1) wow i really play Trowa into all the gay stero-types

2) I think Heero is cut and hunky but that is just me...

3) I love the idea of Heero playing Rocky... i love that movie

4) yea hilde likes Heero... but don;t worry he is in love with Duo... its just Duo that needs to get a clue...

5) Hilde's german right?? oh well

6) the classic response that heero says about Relena...

7) nothing wrong with a lil self insert, right? hehe

8) the record is Lou Reed's 'Rock and Roll Animal' i love it!

9) arg, i hate, Hamlet. we just finished reading it. my last shakespear of highschool! now Macbeth that was a good play...

10) i can't picuture Wufei cheating on anyone, he's too honorable, but i couldn't think of anything....

11) *smiles nervously* the anti-depressant that i am on...