Title: A gun for Christmas
Notes: Ok i don't really like this but, the song just screamed "HEERO" so i did it. Bad attempt at humor, major OOC, and randomnessI would like to take this opportunity to apologize for my lack of gun knowledge. Oh well, just add something in that would work.
Ladies and Gentlemen: Welcome to the disclaimer, that's right the disclaimer. This American apple pie institution known as parental discretion will cleans and innuendo or sarcasm from this fic which might actually make you think, and will insult you intelligence at the same time. So, protect your family. This fic contains explicit depiction's of things which are real. These real things are commonly known as life. So, if it sounds sarcastic, don't take it seriously. If it sounds dangerous, do not try this at home or at all. And if it offends you, just don't read it.
The song is "A Gun for Christmas" by The Vandals
[...] = lyrics
[Families lock their doors in fear that criminals might get them]
Quatre locked the door then turned to the others, "Its Christmas Eve, guys. I don't know about the rest of you but Duo will, undoubtedly be up at the crack of dawn to open his presents." Duo looked at Quatre like he just pulled a rabbit out of his ass, "Don't look like you have no clue what I'm talking about, Duo. You've been eyeing the gifts for weeks. You would have had your way with them if it weren't for the rest of us holding you back."
Duo rolled his eyes, "Yea, so? I love Christmas, I just can't wait any longer. Can't we just open one tonight? Please, pretty, pretty please Quatre?"
"He has been good the past few days, Wufei only caught him shaking one present." Trowa informed Quatre.
"Ok fine everyone can open one..." Before he could finish Duo was digging around the tree pulling out every present that was his. "One, Duo! I said one!"
Duo sighed and picked a medium sized box. He then tossed a smaller one in green holly paper to Quatre, a soft package in red paper to Wufei, and a small box with snowflakes on it to Trowa. Heero watched his lover pick out the presents for the others and wondered what his braided companion was going to chose for him.
Duo shot Heero a sly grin and tossed him a box with "happy graduation" wrapping paper on it. Heero looked questionably at Duo, "Hey its all I could find..." He then shrugged and turned his attention back to his own gift. Duo's hand moved like lightning as he ripped open the paper. Inside he found a card from Trowa and Quatre, then a flat clothing type box. Duo slowly lifted the lid and found a box full of his favorite manga, some very rare and hard to find.
Duo immediately glomped Trowa and Quatre then watched as they opened there presents, Quatre receiving a book from Heero, Trowa a pendant from Quatre (both who were now lip-locked), and Wufei receiving Rudolf-the-Red-Nosed-Reindeer socks from Duo. Duo laughed at his shocked face then turned to Heero. "Well, aren't you gonna open it?" Heero nodded and removed the graduation paper. Inside was a box, and in the box was a brand new gun. He looked lovingly at Duo.
"Duo, you are far too good to me." Heero had just recently lost his "lucky" gun (1) and was mopping about his loss. Duo decided a new one from him would make up for the loss. He was right.
Heero wasted no time in loading it and admiring the beauty of his new gift.
[But this Christmas rest assured that I will have my own protection.]
Meanwhile, Duo was arranging everyone's gifts into little piles. When he got to Heero's he felt something cold pressed against the back of his head. "Duo, I love you, but touch my gifts and die."
Duo stared wide-eyed at his lover then backed slowly away nervously playing with is braid.
[I'll get a gun for Christmas to protect my other gifts]
Heero smirked at the shocked statements on the faces of his fellow pilots. He got up and walked to the window. "Quatre, you know you don't really need to lock the door tonight."
"Heero, this is the crime season, we could have a break-in."
"Hn." Heero cocked his gun and shot the lock off the door. "That won't be nessary."
[If burglars touch my property they won't leave here with out a limp]
"Maybe the gun wasn't such a good idea," Duo said more to himself than anyone else.
"Maybe???" Wufei asked.
"Ok so I wasn't really thinking when I got it, you see Heero and I had just..."
"Maxwell, as touching of a story as it may be, I really don't want to hear the rest of it." Wufei interrupted.
[Packing heat this Christmas I'll shoot it off on New Year's Eve, cuz bullets
go in outer space when pointed up I believe]
Heero was now perched in the windowsill waiting, for what, no one knew and they really didn't want to find out. "Heero, why don't you come to bed?" Duo asked as the others decided that nothing good could come of this situation and vacated the room.
"Duo, my mission is not yet complete."
"Heero! What in Zanzibarian Hell(2) are you talking about? Its 8:30 on Christmas Eve, we have no mission. And under the same circumstances I highly doubt that Zech's will be coming near here, sooooooo you can continue your quest to kill him after Christmas. Ok?"
"Hn." Heero didn't move from his spot but did look over to Duo's pouting form. "Duo don't interfere with my mission."
"What mission?!?" He let out an exasperated sigh.
[A bullet sends a Christmas message that is clear and loud it says that I
will not take all of this bullshit lying down]
Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Heero's eyes narrowed into a glare as Duo answered it and reviled the evil behind the door. Relena Peacecraft stood there holding a package clearly meant for Heero.
"Merry Christmas, Heero." She looked right thought Duo. "I brought you a gift. I'll just set it with the others." Relena walked over to the tree at the bad end of two death-glares. "Ooh, these are all organized. Why aren't yours Heero? Here let me.."
Relena trailed off as a gun was cocked. Unfortunately she didn't remove her hands from the presents...
"I wonder if peace will be threaten because of this?" Duo thought as the gun went off.
[I'll get a gun for Christmas to protect my other gifts. I'll only tell you
once "Stay the fuck away from my shit"]
Quatre, Trowa and Wufei ran into the room in time to see the former Queen of the World fall into a heap under the tree. Quatre looked sick, Trowa looked horrified, and Wufei smirked.
"Heero what did you do?" Quatre asked as he eyed Relena's who wasn't moving much anymore.
"Hn. She touched my gifts."
"For Christ's sake Heero, you could have killed her!" Quatre's voice seemed desperate.
"That was the intended result. Unfortunately I don't believe it was the outcome." Duo smiled to this, glad to be rid of the annoying Peacecraft girl.
"Hey, at least you got another gift out of it." Wufei pointed out.
"You can touch that one. In fact I would be very grateful if someone disposed of it." The other four looked at each other not wanting to touch it. "Very well." Heero said as he shot the hell out of the box.
[I will use my new weapon in self-defense and sport]
All too soon another knock sounded thought the room. "Shit! We gotta get who ever it is out of here." Duo ran around thinking of something to do.
Trowa just shrugged and opened the door. All at once a harmony filled the room. "Silent night, Holy nightâ¦" Quatre's spirit brightened as he enjoyed the singing. However, it came to an end all too soon as Heero opened fire on the carolers.
"Shit!" Duo and Wufei screamed together as the body count increased.
[and to keep the carolers off my god damn porch and preventing Yuletide
homicide's this year]
"HAHAHAH!!!" Heero laughed as he shot done yet another man in a Santa Clause suit. "No one will be coming near this house!" Four very scared pilots backed away slowly from the room. "OZ, just try to get to us now! I have a new lucky gun and no one can escape it!"
This had been going on for hours now. It was 12:45 and the others were afraid to leave Heero alone, much less let him out of their sight out of fear of his new "toy". In between looking horrified, Wufei, Quatre and Trowa shot glares at Duo for getting Heero that gift.
[I won't be a victim this year thanks to Santa Clause. Sleeping with no fear
of danger, and it's all because]
Heero walked into his room to get some more ammo and on his way back kissed Duo firmly on the mouth. "How can I thank you, Duo? This is a great gift!" Duo just cried.
[I'll get a gun for Christmas to protect my other gifts. I'll only tell you
once "Stay the fuck away from my shit"]
At some point the 4 pilots decided that they would take turns watching Heero and trying to coax the gun out of his hands. Duo and Wufei were on first shift and were trying to talk Heero out of perching on the roof to shoot down any "Santa Impostors" as he called them.
"Heero, its 1:30 on Christmas morning. Please go to bed." Wufei was getting extremely annoyed with Heero.
"Yea, come on Hee-Koi, I still haven't given you my special present. You gotta come to bed to..." Duo was cut of by Wufei pushing past him, running to the bathroom to fix his bloody nose.
Duo shrugged and went to get a bow of a present to put on his head to get Heero to come with him. However, he made the mistake of picking one of Heero's. A shot rang out and hit the wall about 4 inches away from Duo's braid.
"Damnit Heero! Its just a bow!" Duo screamed.
[Christmas needs security, security is weapons. Vigilante action teaching
criminals their lessons]
Quatre and Trowa came running out of the bedroom at the sound of shot. Duo was curled up on the floor clutching his braid for dear life and Wufei, who decided it was best not to get involved, was leaning against the door that led to the kitchen watching the events unfold.
"Heero! What the hell did you do to Duo?!?" Quatre yelled. Even Trowa's eyes widened as he looked at Duo sitting there sucking his thumb.
Heero just shrugged and climbed out the window and onto the roof. Quatre went to stop him, but Trowa gently put his had on Quatre's arm, "Just let him go."
"How long till he runs out of ammo?" Wufei asked. The others shrugged.
[It's the greatest gift we have taking out our rivals. Thank you Santa, thank
you God for guaranteeing my survival]
The green numbers on the digital clock read 4:27 when Heero climbed back into the house and found Duo asleep under the Christmas tree, Trowa and Quatre asleep on an arm chair that was way too small for the both of them, and Wufei sprawled out on the couch. Relena's body was missing but no one really paid much attention to that little fact.
Heero surveyed the scene in front of him and decided that he has had enough killing for one night and was now looking for something more fun. Heero oh-so-lovingly threw a shoe at Duo and woke him up, "Bed." Duo jumped up and pulled Heero out of the room without a second thought.
[I won't be a victim this year thanks to Santa Clause Sleeping with no fear of danger,
and it's all because I'll get a gun for Christmas to protect my other gifts
I'll only tell you once "Stay the fuck away from my crap or I'll bust a cap in your ass!!!" ]
A few minutes later, after a few clearly identifiable moans, one very loud string out curses woke the remaining members of the house. "Damnit Heero! Did you have to bring that gun to bed, did you?!?"
Quatre just looked at Wufei and Trowa then rolled over and went back to sleep. They would deal with conveniently misplacing Heero's new gun the morning.
(1) again with the gun thing, i leave it vague so that i don't get myself into trouble with something i don't know about.
(2) this is something that my friends and i say. I'm not sure why we do, but i thought it would be funny if Duo said it. i dunno.
(3) sorry this sucks, now i'll go back to working on "the college years" after i get out of hiding because of this...