title: Gone Away

author: Znma

archive: anyone???

note: im not sure how easy it is to follow where i am going with this... but if you dont get it i'll have what i was trying to convey at the bottom.

Ladies and Gentlemen:
Welcome to the disclaimer, that's right the disclaimer. This American apple pie institution known as parental discretion will cleans and innuendo or sarcasm from this fic which might actually make you think, and will insult you intelligence at the same time. So, protect your family. This fic contains explicit depictions of things which are real. These real things are commonly known as life. So, if it sounds sarcastic, don't take it seriously. If it sounds dangerous, do not try this at home or at all. And if it offends you, just don't read it.

oh yea, and the song is "Gone Away" by The Offspring!!!

[....] = lyrics


Its been raining all week but I have yet to smell the new rain on the asphalt. These white walls are slowly driving me mad, more so than I already am. Who knew that this would affect me so much? Did you?

Did you know that when it is perfectly quiet you can hear the hum of the fluorescent lights? I try to block everything but the hum out. It is rather comforting. I think it is because it is a constant, like you.

[maybe in another life I could find you there]

I suppose everything worked out this way for a reason, ne? What would be the point of all of this if there weren't a reason for it? I do not know. That has been happening more and more lately. I was so sure of myself at one point and now-

If I could go back I would do everything the same except these past six months. I would not have lied to you. I would have been more like you, more human, more responsive. And now I know nothing because I failed to tell you.

[pulled away before your time, I can't deal its so unfair]

God, Duo, why do you have such an effect on me? Even now as I stare through these plastic windows I can see your smiling face. How I longed to hold you tight and tell you how I truly felt but I was afraid. Yes, I can admit it now that I was afraid that there would be nothing there to catch me. But now I am even more frightened.

I don't look good in baggy clothes. They make me feel so small and worthless. I guess I am. You are everything to me. You are my life, Duo. I never told you that.

[and it feels like heaven's so far away]

Pink in the morning, and blue at night. Everyday it's the same. The pattern never changes. No blue in the morning, pink at night. Simple things for simple minds, I guess. Of course, I should not complain. I have yet to have a green mid-day(1), I consider myself lucky.

The window by the hall doesn't close all the way. You can hear faint sounds of life outside the white walls. I can hear the sounds that you make. I can picture you enjoying life. I miss you, Duo.

[ it feels like the world has grown cold. Now that you've gone away]

Quatre came to visit me. He said that Trowa and Wufei would have come too but they were busy and would visit me next week. I don't care much. I would much rather see you. Quatre says that he understands and visits you a lot too. I thanked him for that. I think he knows what I never told you.

I hope that deep down you know also and maybe even feel the same? Is that too uch to ask from you?

[leaving flowers on your grave, show that I still care]

Relena visited once but threw a fit when she realized why I am here. She hates you, you know. I can understand why. You are everything she is not. Smart. Beautiful. Funny. Lively. Loving. She will never see it though. She tells me to give you up, to let you go. But I never will. Even if you don't know.

But words escape me these days. I was never a man of many words but this crayon inhibits them even more so. And the red colour doesn't help. Black would be more appropriate, more you. But this is all I have.

[black roses and Hail Mary's can't bring back what's taken from me]

I talk in my sleep. Did you know that? We roomed together a lot but you never said anything. Or maybe it is a new occurrence. They said I say 'Duo' in my sleep a lot. They don't know who you are though so it doesn't matter. If only you could see into my head, see my dreams of you. Can you see me Duo? Do you even care?

[I reach to the sky, and call out your name]

Oh god, you deserve better than this. You deserve to be happy and I am sure that I can make you happy. It's to late now though. You should be the one moving on. You should be allowed to continue, not me. What place do I have here? Especially now. Especially without-

[and if I could trade, I would]

It is far too late for me now; I knew that a long time ago. I thought there might have been a chance at a bright future but that was taken away too. They all took it away. Any chance I had left. They said I was dangerous and that I was not self-reliant. What they hell do they know?

A lot I guess. I am nothing without you. Even if I never did say it.

[it feels like heaven's so far away]

Duo, its been 4 months and 27 days since your death and I cry myself to sleep every night. I should have told you, maybe that would have changed something. Maybe? There are always dreams. Please wait for me Duo. I am nothing without you. I never told you that.

Free time is over; they are coming for me again. Another day inside these walls. Another day without the rain. Another day without you.

[the weather's so cold, now that you've gone away]

I never told you so I will tell you know. I love you Duo Maxwell. Wait for me, please.

-Heero Yuy

(1) this refers to code-green, when you have to sedate someone... not that i know from expierence *avoids eye contact*

notes: so if you couldnt tell Heero is in a mental hospital after Duo died. I trully think that Heero would go crazy if Duo wasn't there. They are a natural support system. even if they are not "together" in a couple sence, they keep each other sane, well as sane as gundam pilot can get...

C&C... please??? *puppy eyes*