6-22-2001

LONELINESS (aka.: the little Satanic fic)
Part 1: Heero
“Hymn To The Twosome”

Sadly, I don't own the acting characters- just borrowed them to play a bit *evil grin* --- song by Lacrimosa - a German band! I translated the lyrics into English. (just in case, anyone cares to know...) Still, I think that the lyrics belong to Tilo Wolff, who wrote this wonderful song! ^^ Yay!! *glomps Tilo*
by Zillah, 10.12.99 – 22.06.01 (yes, you might laugh at that…)

Some of the following warnings apply to part 1b- I split the first Part apart cuz I just can’t see it anymore in my “unfinished fics” folder!!! Pray that Part 1b is finished before the next millenium!!
I’m depressed! Someone stomp me! *looks up at Wing Zero hopefully*

Warnings: (yes, we have a plural here…)
Bad Heero! Insane Duo!
Very bad language *discreet cough*
I'd advise you to read something else if:
Satanism disgusts you
You're offended by Drug abuse
You cannot handle psychical torture
As well as physical violence
You think that graveyards are scary

Heero's POV

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Duo! What were you thinking?!"

"I'm sorry, guys--"

"That won't help us a damn thing now, Maxwell!"

"But--"

"Duo why did you do this?"

"I thought, it was--"

"You didn't think at all!"

"I... well it happened, dammit!"

"That's no excuse!"

I don't wanna hear any of this anymore. In some way, Duo's right. It happened and we can't do anything about it now. But it mustn't have happened!

"Heero, aren't you going to say something?"

"Yeah, Yuy. He's your partner after all."

"...not anymore."

"Heero..." If I wouldn't know better, I'd swear that he's about to cry.

But Duo Maxwell has no tearducts. I've never seen him crying. He doesn't cry. But still...

"Maxwell, you're so stupid!! We'd be better off without you! We could have the disk by now and be far away, but noo~o, Mr. I-have-to-blow-my-cover had to ruin everything!"

"I'm sorry, Wufei..."

Four more months to go until the disk is useless to us. We have to lay low until we have it. Why do things liket hat always happen to me?

"St. Michael Academy; Epichan City. I'll check us in tomorrow." But first...

"Duo, come with me."

"...yes, Heero."

I don't want to do this, I really don't. Duo is my best friend- the only friend I have- and every time I do it, there's a certain fear deep inside me. The fear to lose the only person who cares. But it has to be done and I know that the others won't do it. I don't want them to see. Maybe I'm ashamed because it's somehow a weakness. We enter our shared room and I close the door behind us. He knows what is about to come but I can't help it.

He screwed up the mission...

-slap-

...months of hard work for nothing...

-slap-

...and I don't appreciate that.

-slap-

I know, I'm hurting him. The red marks on his cheeks will heal soon...

-slap-

...but every time I hit him, he's breaking even further apart.

-slap-

I know that he’s not as strong as he pretends to be.

-slap-

I guess, it's ok though.

-slap-

A broken soul is much easier to control.

-slap-

"Don't you ever do that again, or I'll kill you myself!"

"...Heero?"

"..."

"Did you mean it?"

"What?"

"When you said, that I'm not your partner anymore..."

"..."

"...oh..."

He's irritating me no end with this hurt look in his eyes and this pathetic whining. It's so unlike his cheerful self. Maybe I finally did it. Maybe this was the last straw and now, all that is left from the once glowing God of Death is a broken soul. An ordinary machine that is useless without any war to fight. Just like myself.

 

And that's the loneliness
That has born me

 

I shouldn't feel so miserable though. Being a machine is not that bad. I should know after all. It's like playing one of these computer games Duo loves so much. Little Heero gets a mission, little Heero blows up the base. When he succeeds, little Heero gets patted on the head (or not), when he fucks up, little Heero dies. It's that simple. You just gotta win the game.

No "Game Over". Just win. It's a really rotten game, but it's everything I have.

They always say that I don't care if I die or not, but that's not true. I'm not afraid to die... but I don't want to die. I wanna live through this war, even though I'll be useless afterwards. I haven't been trained to survive the war. The battle- yes. But not the war.

"Heero?"

"Hm..."

"Say something? Anything? Please!"

"..."

"I'm so sorry for failing you, Heero." Failing ME?? Is he nuts?

"What?"

"I'm so sorry for fucking up! You've been working so hard for this mission and I ruined all your work. I know, you hate me now." All I can do is stare at him as bright tears steam down his face.

"I... don't hate you." Honestly, I don't know what to say. I always thought, that Duo was always the smiling one, the confident one, the one that never lost his faith and his good mood. But I'm not so sure about that anymore. I knew somehow, that he was wearing a mask, just like myself.

 

Trying to escape her
I lost all my hopes

 

But is it really him? Is the broken boy in front of me really the same boy I knew until now? I don't think so. But is this the real him? Or is it just another mask? I can't bear to look at him like that. He's lying on the floor, curled up like a wounded animal, sobbing incoherently.

 

And crying for love to warm me

 

I know, that this is all my fault. I shouldn't have pushed him away, shouldn't have slapped him, shouldn't have said what I did... shouldn't have met him at all!

This is the reason, why being a machine is much better than being human. No sorrow, no love, no hope, no guilt, ...no emotions at all. But why am I feeling so miserable then?

I leave the room without looking back at him.

 

I lost my voice and remained silent

 

Is this killing innocents as well? Can you kill somebody like this? Well, some uneasy feeling in my stomach tells me, that I'll find out soon enough.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Okay, I've had enough! I've been sitting in this damned living room for exactly three hours, twenty-seven minutes and thirteen seconds now and there's still no sign of Duo! Quatre just finished cooking and Duo's normally the first one to sit on the desk, playing with his fork. Where is he?!

 

Restless damned

 

"Heero?"

"Hm..."

"Heero, where's Duo? Didn't he come out of his room yet?"

"No."

"But he's hungry for sure! And... what did you do to him, Heero?"

"Quatre--"

"Okay, I know! If I wanna know anything, I'll just have to go into the room and ask Duo myself, right?" I nod at the blond boy. Quatre is feeling sorry for Duo already. He's probably going to play mummy for the rest of the week, fretting after Duo every time he leaves the house to go for a walk, cooking for him non-stop and cleaning our whole room although Duo's empty Junk-food boxes disgust him no end. Quatre simply is like that. I guess, having truck-loads of elder sisters earns you a certain girlish behaviour.

Geez, what takes them so long?! I mean, going into a room and reenterning the living room can’t possibly take that long!

“I’ll go to- …“ Ah, finally! There’s Quatre standing in the doorway, surely Duo is about to follow and—is this a black eye?!

“I…” I’ll be cursed, if this isn’t the worst black eye, I’ve ever seen! “I… Duo won’t come!” …and off runs the blond guy… I’m beginning to hate that day.

“Quatre wait!!” Oh yeah! There goes my dinner. Now Wufei and I are the only ones left in the living room, sitting in front of our empty plates and probably starving to death soon.

“Heero?”

“Hn?”

“Looks a lot like no dinner today.” I nod. No dinner, but more than just a spoon full of troubles…

“Let’s check out on Duo.” Wufei follows me silently. He’s an ass most of the time and I don’t really like him but at least he’s not believing in being my long lost mum, nor is he a bouncing psycho. He’s… uncomplicated.

“You first.” …and a coward concerning personal stuff. I slowly open the door to Duo’s and my room and enter. What is this?? Everywhere on the floor, there are little, light blue pearl-like things rolling around and—

-THUD-

“Argh! Damn!”

…pearls which Wufei obviously didn’t see… but I know these pearls… I’ve seen them before. Damn! I know, I’ve seen them… but where? And where’s Duo? … why is there something glittering on the floor? I kneel down and touch the wet spots in the middle of the floor. Must be the place where Duo crumbed down crying. Strange… I’ve never seen him like that before. It scares me somehow.

“Heero.” Wufei comes over to me and hands me a golden cross on a nylon string. Why would Duo let his cross lying around on the floor… SHIT! I knew, I know these pearls!

“DUO!”

“What is it?” The huge black chair near the window turns around and reveals Duo. I sigh. At least, he didn’t get himself kidnapped. Although that would have explained Quatre’s black eye… well, nevermind.

“What’s the hell going on here?” I hate situations like that. Hate, being outa control. Just like now… I walk up to the evil grining idiot on the chair and offer him the remains of his cross.

“What is this, Duo?” He delicately takes the cross on the nylon string and holds it up high.

“This… is a cross.” My patience is wearing thin…

“I bloody well know that this is a cross!”

“…a cross I won’t need anymore.” He shrugs and throws it into the wastepaperbasket. “Never helped me anyway, so why keep it?” I have to admit, I’m stunned. I always thought, the cross was his most precious possesion and now this! It’s my fault… I’ve never apologized to anybody… maybe this time—

“And… Heero?” I look up from the floor again to see Duo staring at me. He’s looking so different without that smile of his… “I’ll move out.”

“What?!”

“Maxwell, don’t even try to think about—“

“Don’t worry, Wufei! I won’t be moving to you. I’ll sleep on the couch until we get into that fucking school!”

With these words, he slowly rises from the chair and walks to his cupboard to retrieve something.

“Catch it Heero!”

Something is flying towards me… catching the item is almost a reflex, but although I caught it, something strikes me on the right cheek, probably leaving a nasty red mark. As I open my fist, I’m rewarded with the sight of a cross dangling on a nylon string. It’s looking quite similar to Duo’s ex-cross, but mine is silver and the pearls aren’t blue but black and wooden. But why on earth would he give this to me?! Hell, I don’t even believe in god, leave alone the fat that I’m not catholic!

“You can keep it. Maybe it’ll bring you more luck.”

“I’m not catholic.”

”Well, d’oh! Can at least try it, maybe it works for you!”

He’s completely insane!

 

I dreamed the truth

 

I mean, Duo’s always been strange, but this is by far the fucking silliest phase he’s ever had!

“I don’t want it.”

Duo shrugs and looks at me weirdly. “It’s a gift. You can’t turn it down.”

That’s it. Wordlessly, I throw the offending piece onto my bed and grab the baka, hauling him up the wall. “If you’re trying to fuck with me…”

Duo looks at me with no humor whatsoever and speaks in an icy voice. “I would never.”

I growl. This is gonna be a loooong mission.

 

Tried to escape
And fell to the ground

Fuck that job.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So… you are the new students.” The elder woman eyes Duo suspiciously.

“Well I certainly hope that you, young man with the braid, won’t pull off anything stupid.”

“Wha—Excuse me please?”

“I know punks like you with these moronic haircuts of yours! All sorts of insane ideas are running through your stupid heads! We normally wouldn’t appreciate students like you in our school, but since your grades are that good…” almost absently, the old witch points at Duo’s files with her long bony fingers. I can actually feel Duo’s anger at her words. Really, I can’t blame him but then I always told him to cut that thing off.

“Winner and Barton, you are sharing a room. West wing, just out of the door and up one floor. Room 46.”

The woman turns to Wufei as Trowa and Quatre bow and leave the office in silence.

“Chang, you’ll be sharing the room with the student Aoki Takuto. He is waiting in the mensa and will introduce everything to you.”

With a silent ‘thank you, miss.’ Wufei bows and exits the office. All this standing around is getting on my nerves.

“So… now to you. I have a room in the first floor, West wing. It’s right next to Winner and Baron’s room. It’s number 48. You’ll be sharing that room.” Shit.

 

I can feel no luck

 

Time runs by in slow-motion as Duo opens his mouth to speak but the closes it again.

“What are you two waiting for? Move out!”

“Ma’am?” Wow, I really wouldn’t have thought he hates me that much that he’d actually risk a fight with the principal… that fight back at the safe house is kinda eating at me.

 

I can feel no luck

 

My hand moves over my right pocket lightly. It’s still there. Good. I don’t really know why I can’t bring myself to throw away that ridiculous cross. I still have a scratch on my face where it hit me yesterday evening.

Yet, something tells me that it’s not just an ordinary cross. Yesterday night in bed, when I looked at it closer, I found out that it is actually silver. Also, the pearls aren’t wooden like I thought. They seem to be made out of some kind of stone and there’s one single word carved into the silver. Maxwell I have no clue whom this cross belonged to but it seems to be much older than Duo. Maybe it was his mother’s. Who knows?

The principal’s voice snaps me out of my thoughts. “Well, what is it now?”

“Um… I’m sorry to say that… but we can’t share a room.”

“Excuse me young man? And why would that be so?” Yeah, you have to come up with a really good idea, Duo. Won’t get away from me that easy. I blink.

Where did that thought just come from?

I really need some sleep.

“Well… because… because we, we don’t get along too well.”

“And how will you know that since you two met just ten minutes ago for the first time?” I swear, if he’s messing up the mission now I kill him right in front of that witch!

“Well that doesn’t matter! See?” He points at the scratch on my face. “I hit him a few minutes ago. He really is an ass!” I know that this is all show to get a different roommate but still, why am I feeling so disappointed then?

 

No life blooms inside of me

 

“You hit Yuy-kun??” Oops, wrong move Duo. “Ah! I just knew that face of yours means troubles!”

“No! I mean… he was teasing me the whole time because of my braid and I just… well you know.”

The principal glares at Duo and moves dangerously close. She points at Duo with these ugly fingers again and I almost can’t hold back a chuckle as he looks at her fingertip cross-eyed. “Let me tell you something, Maxwell-kun. You have been standing in this office for about fifteen minutes now and I haven’t heard Yuy-kun even mutter a sound. Why the holy hell should this passive person tease you leave alone the fact that he probably won’t even talk to you?!”

“It’s always the silent ones…” Duo tries shyly but he’s cut off by ‘Ms. Banks’ as the small plate on her left breast says.

“Anyway, that doesn’t matter right now. I don’t have any single rooms left. You have to get along together I guess. And now Get. Out.”

Before Duo can complain any more, I simply grab him, drag him out of the office and up the first floor.

Damn, this mission is going on my nerves already! And it’s gonna take us quite a few weeks to get the disc… I’m never going to make it. I’ll go nuts here! Oh, the sanity…

 

I can feel no luck

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

How childish can you be?! We've been here in this school for a whole three days by now and Duo still refuses to talk to me! And if that wouldn't be enough, he even choose to sit with someone else during lunch.

Of course, it's not like I'm missing his endless chattering or something like this, but I'm still pissed off. How the hell are we gonna get this mission right if he refuses to cooperate? I tried to talk to him about the mission yesterday evening.

He refused to listen to me.

I hit him again.

But this time… this time he just glared at me and went to bed without a word.

I don't know what to do anymore.

 

I am tired

 

Some other thing I'm worried about are his new "friends". First, I thought that they were just people he met and talked to a few times but today he called them "his friends" when I asked him about them. I don't know- something about them is funny. First, there's this girl called "Ann". I've never seen a fifteen years old girl with such light hair before so I thought it's fake or died or whatever. But when she took off her sunglasses, I realized that she's an albino! Ann seems to be a nice girl but something about her gives me an uncertain feeling.

Duo kissed her yesterday.

On the lips!

Not that I'm jealous or anything… I mean… she is pretty, but why would I be jealous?

I just hope that they don't fall in love- it would be a real pain in the ass when we left in four weeks without her.

So… another girl is "Maya". I'm sure, that's not her real name. She's a lot like Duo, always smiling and laughing and stuff, but I have to keep an eye on her if Maya is not her real name. She might be some OZ spy- who knows…

Duo trusts her a lot but I don't quite feel safe in his whole new clique so I better watch out I think.

Sid is another of Duo's friends. I don't like him- he's like Wufei most of the time. Always knows everything better than everyone else, always grumpy, always looking like someone stole his favourite matchbox car.

There are a few other people as well, but I didn't bother to find out their names. Seems like they haven't anything to say anyway. I still wonder, how Duo managed to get into this tight knotted clique that fast anyway. Then again, he always manages to make friends with the strangest people pretty fast.

There's a total of seven people- including Duo. They are always sitting together on one table for dinner, talking about something that seems to be so deadly secret that Duo won't tell Quatre anything about it. I didn't even bother to ask him since he won't talk to me. He doesn't talk to Quatre as well come to think about it. I'm getting over protective about Duo I think. It's not that I'm interested in him in any way- I just don't want to fail on my mission a second time.

Argh! I'm thinking much too hard about that whole shitty mission!! Need to… find… something against that headache… top drawer…-- SHIT!

Duo stole my painkillers.

 

I am tired

 

"DUO!!"

"…" He is sitting on his bed, busily braiding a black velvet ribbon into his braid for some reason. Duo's been doing this for a whole thirty-six minutes by now and it is kinda freaking me out! I turn around to glare at him.

"Duo…"

"What is it…" He's not even looking at me! He just keeps fretting over his braid!

"Where are my painkillers?"

"How the hell should I know?" I know he's lying. I can always tell when he's lying. Duo always tells everybody, that he doesn't lie but it's not true. It's just a habit I guess- for example, every time you ask him if he's OK, he'll tell you that everything is just soooo fine. But damn that. Even I know that nothing is fine!

Every time he's lying, he unconsciously lifts his left eyebrow and starts wriggling his toes.

He's cute as hell that way.

"Duo. Where are my painkillers?" His head jerks up and he stared me with kohl- rimmed, dark eyes.

"You know Heero, sometimes I get a headache as well! So leave me the hell alone already with that fucking bottle of Tylenol you stole from the nurses office last month!!"

I didn't know he knew I stole the bottle.

How the hell did he…-

"What? Surprised? Well, if you don't bother to scratch off the sticker that is on all school medicaments, it's pretty easy to find out."

Shit. I'm becoming more and more careless in Duo's presence. I guess, I trusted him a wee bit too much lately.

Well, I can always change that, ne?

He stands up and starts to wriggle out of his pyjamas. What the hell is that for?!

"What are you doing?"

"Going out." Duo kneels down to open the drawer under his bed. [3] I never knew he had leather pants. And I sure as hell wouldn't have expected leather bondage pants of all leather pants out there!

Hn.

So that's what he bought yesterday afternoon when he went to town with Ann.

Very interesting. So that's the missing thing in the list of all the stuff he bought. I don't really know why I wrote a list of everything, Duo bought in the last few months but it's very convenient to know what he owns and what to expect him to do next.

He's much easier to control that way.

Someone who is being controlled won't screw up that easily.

And if nobody screws up, the mission will be successful.

Who just said that I don't know the reason for writing that list? The sound of Duo opening the window throws me out of my thoughts. He finished dressing and is now wearing these ridiculous bondage pants, a black sleeveless shirt and that long black cape he's been dragging with him since I know him. I wonder, why he never wore it anyway.

He's looking kinda… good I guess. I'd even say he's sexy as hell- if I'd be interested in him that is.

"Where're you going?"

"That, my dear Heero" he grins at me and sits down on the open window frame, one leg in the room, the other one dangling outside "is my little secret and sure as hell shouldn't be of your business!"

"Oh! And if you tell anything-" he pretends to shoot me with his hairbrush before throwing it on his bed and jumping out of the window "you know: Omae o korosu!"

Now that was what I call weird!

But still. He's a Gundam pilot who has a mission to accomplish and wherever he's going it sure has not a thing to do with finding the data disc!

Which makes his leaving my business.

Which is the reason I will follow him!

To make sure, everything is all right of course.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Following Duo without him noticing is no problem at all. I figured, it would be kinda hard but he really doesn't seem to expect anyone to follow him.

Very convenient.

Wherever he is going, it doesn't seem to be very far away from the dorm building. By now, we nearly crossed the whole small wood that is encircling the whole school complex. I really wish I'd have paid more attention to whatever is on the other side of the woods while studying the area. All I know is that there is a small village somewhere around. No big deal though.

Should we really have to blow the school up, nobody will miss it. So, just around these bushes (what kind of area is this anyway? Growing bushes that high!) and I'll finally see where—

Now what the fuck is that?!

I slowly approach the old and nearly not present iron door and silently slip into the abandoned graveyard.

I hide behind a rose bush that is partly covering an old marble gravestone.

From what I can hear, Duo and some more people are sitting about fifty meters from here and I can make out the faint glow of fire.

They are laughing and talking- I can make out the voices of Ann and all his other new friends.

Really, if they had to party, couldn't they have don that somewhere else?!

This is completely perverted!

Suddenly, all the voices stop at once and I slowly peek around the gravestone to see what's going on.

Oh shit.

This just can't be happening!

I didn't expect the first `real life' naked woman I'd see to be that way!

Ann is lying completely nude on a tomb, hands above her head and legs spread. Above her, someone who is clearly wearing Duo's coat is standing above her, softly reading something out of a black ragged book, wielding a knife in the one hand, a desperately mewing black kitty in the other.

And suddenly, everything falls into place all of the sudden.- The weird make-up, the strange clothes, the odd behaviour… this is so sick!!

I can feel my heart pounding in my chest as all of the black clad figures around the tomb bow their heads and the guy in Duo's coat slowly lifts the knife.

They just can't do this!!

If I jump up and kill him now, Duo'll know that I'm here but if I do nothing, the kitty'll die!

Why?! After all that killing, why is he still able to see someone kill an innocent without doing a damn thing about it?!

I shut my eyes tightly as the kitty screams in terror.

As I open them again, the knife is on the floor and warm, wet blood is dripping on naked flesh, running red and shining down the curves of the girls body and onto the cold marble.

RUN!

That's the only thing I'm capable to think at the moment.

RUN!!!

 

Spent In the net of fear

 

I quickly crawl back and around the corner, leap up and run as fast as possible.

It doesn't matter where I'll end up, I just wanna get away from here as fast as possible.

The girl…

The kitty…

The blood…

Duo…

This just can't be happening!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

so... *rubs hands* so kill me for that kitty incident but i just couldn't resist to piss all the animal lovers off -.-; gomen! *runnnns*