"Being Shinigami"

By: Zillah
Disclaimer. I own nothing which is probably a good thing... The few abused "Lady in Red" lyrics belong to Chris DeBurgh though I think.. (I've never been good with Disclaimers *g*)
Warnings: NC-17 overall, gore, angst, necrophilism (which means, one very sexy and very horny bishounen is having graphic sex with another very sexy but dead as a stomped frog bishounen)
Notes: Title is a bit overused I think... there are so many "Shinigami" fics out there- guess I wanted my own *g* This is probably gonna piss some ppl off (again) ^__^; So flame me! I couldn't care less at the moment...
I hope the switches between "now" and "flashback" aren't too confusing *sweat*
`blabla' is ppl talking in the past - "blabla" is present
And the moral of the story? Don't let someone with a weird definition of the word "relationship" mess with your brain. It's a baaad thing. ...if you're depressed you really shouldn't listen to sad love songs, eh? *coughs*


I chuckle softly as I remove your drenched jeans. Heh, the memories of our last chit-chat are still all too present.

`I love you.' you were saying...

`Don't be stupid. You know you don't.'

`I said I love you, Duo! I meant that!'

`Ya can't love Shinigami...'

`But I do—`

`Will you just shup up, Heero?! I told you- you can't love Shinigami!'

`Dammit, you aren't the God of Death Duo and you know that! You're just some sixteen years old kid with a faible for horror, that's all!'

You were trembling then. It must be hard. Being rejected I mean. I bet it really hurts like hell.

I slowly strip you of your red drenched tanktop. Red really suits you well. It goes just wonderful with your blue eyes. I smile at you but all you do is stare at me with wide eyes in horror.

`Well... what if I'd tell you that I love you back?'

I still can feel the touch of your hand on my cheek. It was shaking.

`I... I'd be the happiest man alive then.' you told me and kissed me on the forehead.

`Well, I love you then, Heero...'

It probably didn't sound as sincere as it was supposed to be but you still knew what I meant to say. But you still weren't satisfied. You and your damned answers! We could have been happy but noo~oo, you had to ask!

`Tell me what's wrong with you, Duo. You're not happy, aren't you?' Well what should I have done, Heero? Lied to you?! Of course not.

`This won't work...'

`Yes it will!! Duo I promise you it will!'

You knew it wouldn't. You were not that dense. And then... very silently-

`I'd do anything for you.'

`You wouldn't.' I bloody well knew you would. And that was the problem. I really hoped, you wouldn't suggest what you did then. I really did.

`So what do you want me to do to prove it? Die for you?' You made it sound like a joke but still... I don't know what came over me. Something deep inside of me, something that was hidden for such a long time, awoke again.


You were in shock then. I could see it and I knew that if I'd have said something- anything -everything would have been alright again.

But I remained silent.

I remained silent as your eyes dropped to the ground to hide the tears; as you slowly turned around; as you walked to the nightstand to get your knife; as you stood in front of me again; as you were looking at me one final time – eyes pleading me to stop you; as you told me you loved me...

...as you lifted the knife and with one quick movement cut your throat.

Am I pleased now? I think I am.

After all, I was right. – You can't love Shinigami, no matter what. You'll always end up dead. You were not the first one to realize that, Heero.

I slowly pull down your boxershorts and look at you. You're so beautiful, even in death.

Well... your throat is twisted kinda unnatural but that's the only thing, really!

"I love you!"

You've always waited for me to say and mean it. I mean it now. You're mind now. All of you. No more struggling if or if not you get to be on top, no more discussing if it's ok to just fuck after a lover's spat without making up before, no more tears because love always hurts.

It's all so easy now.

"I'm sorry we had a fight again, Heero. I really am. Forgive me, baby?"

Of course you do. You'd never denie me anything. I smile.

Do you know that you were the one who made me what I am now? It was you who told me that there is a japanese word for the english "God of Death" and it was you who suggested that I should take "Shinigami" instead of that other, rather overused phrase. [1] It was you who taught me not to regret the death of all the people I've killed.

I'm really Shinigami now.

Thanx so you, love.

I slowly trace my finger down your chest. So much blood. Thank god we're not at some of Quatre's mansions- he'd freak if he'd see the mess you made!

Speaking of making a mess- do you have any idea how hard it was to drag you on that bed?!

The next time you're dying tell me that it's your last will to hug me! I wasn't prepared for that! I always pictured you dying on a bed for some odd resons, maybe that's why I freaked when I saw you stumbling a few steps in my direction.

Really, I wouldn't have punched you if I had know.

I just hope you didn't get that wrong...

I'll make it up to you- I promise!

I sigh as I look at you. Do you have any idea how hot you are? Seeing you glistening with blood makes me remember one of these old songs I heard some time ago. How'd it go again? Ah yeah… "I've never seen you looking so gorgeous as you did tonight- I've never seen you shine so bright- you were amazing!"

And then there're lines that go something like

"I've never had such a feeling- such a feeling of complete and utter love as I do tonight…"

"I never will forget the way you look tonight… My lady in red… I love you"

I'm a lousy singer I think, but for some reason you always loved to hear me sing. I couldn't figure out why thou. Took your little secret with you, eh Heero?

I pull you close and bury my face in your neck, lapping at the drying blood in the open gash. Your hair is smelling wonderfully metallic and sweet at the same time.

My hand is wandering down your naked body, stopping at the scars on your chest.

DUO they say.

I wipe at your boody chest to see the letters better.

I remember the first time I've seen you cut yourself. It made me sad to see you like this, then again there was a morbid fascination in watching your skin opening, making room for the blood that was eagerly running down your torso to soak your pants.

That night was the first time we made love.

Every time the pain would be too much to bare, you'd cut yourself. Over and over again. Always DUO.

I kiss the scars lovingly.

Heh, I guess I should be proud that it was always me. It doesn't matter, if it was pain or happiness you felt. Always because of me. I was your first, your last, your everything. [2] I know that now... I just wish, I'd have realized it sooner...

Grabbing roughly at my pants, I'm adjusting them. It's getting really uncomfortable in here.

It's still beyond my imagination what a dead body has that a living has not. Seeing their bodies twisted and bloody is getting me so horny, I really have to concentrate not to come in my pants right away.

My breath is coming fast and rough as my fingers move down from Heero's chest, over his tummy, to dip in his bellybutton. They're drawing circles around it, teasing it until my movements are becoming uncoordinated and I literally rip my pants and my boxers off with a hoarse scream as I nearly can't hold back.

My hand roughly grabs Heero's cock, pumping fast and forceful until it's hard and glistening with blood.

Even a dead body can spot a really nice hard-on. I grin slightly. I didn't believe that one until I saw it.

I look down at my own errection and trembling grope for Heero's narrow hips, pulling him closer to my crotch.

And with a fast movement, I'm inside of him. I pant heavily as I look down at my lover. He's never been more beautiful.

His dark hair is drenched with blood and shimmering red in the sunlight, his jaw is slack and wide open, his hands twisted above his head and his whole body is glistening.

I always told you, Heero. Red is definitely your color.

Being inside of Heero is heaven. I'm pounding into his body full force, not having to think about injuring him for a second. It hurts a bit but that's ok. Pain is always good- that's what reminds you of being alive after all.

I can feel myself shaking and screaming into a silent room as I reach my climax much too soon. It's always too soon- making love is something that should last forever.

As my legs give in, I fall down on Heero's wet body with a funny sounding <<splat!>> and lie on his still warm chest for what seems like an eternity.

Finally, I lift myself up and turn his face so that I can look into his wide, white eyes.

"I love you, Heero..."

He doesn't answer. Of course he doesn't- he can't but I know that he'd have told me that he loves me as well.

I kiss him deeply, teasing his mouth with my tongue and smile in amusement as I remember why his mouth feels so empty. His tongue probably felt back somewhere into his throat during our lovemaking.

"I love you. I really love, love love love love you, baby! But I gotta go now..."

I kiss his face a few times before I drag myself up and get clothed again.

It breakes my heart to leave him and I know that in a few days, the pleasure I've gotten out of the whole incident will be forgotten and I'll cry because I've lost the love of my life.

I won't regret doing what I did but it'll still hurt a lot. It never gets any easier.

But it's too late to think about that now. I rip the cross around my neck off and gently place it in Heero's right hand.

Something to remember me by, my love!

I take a few polaroids of Heero's dead body and hide them well in my jacket. These pics are everyhing I'll have when time passes and memories are fading.

Heero's dead body... the eerie, bloody bedroom... the sunlight shining on him, making him shimmer and shine all over... a true kodak moment, indeed. I snicker at my perverted line of thinking.

Heero would probably rant about the polaroids or the cross. He'd be right- a mass murder always has to be carful not to leave any evidence and stuff.

I don't care though. After all, I'm not a mass murder.

I'm Shinigami.

I leave evidence. Lots of it. The slaughtered people on the battlefield are just one example of thousands.

I silently exit the room and the small hut where we were laying low and make my way into the wood where I hid Deathscythe. Wing will be hidden forever.

Being Shinigami is a bitch I guess. See, Heero, I told you. You can't love me.

But you just wouldn't listen, ne?

Don't worry though, we'll meet again love.

I sadly smile back at the place where I left my lover as I climb into the cockpit.

"See you on the other side, baby."



[1] Come on, guys! Duo is not japanese- how could he possibly know the jap. meaning of "God of Death" unless someone told him?
[2] Some quote from some old song :)