6-11-2001

Title: Staying Buried
Author: Yokatta
Warnings: serious AU, probable OOC, angsty/depressing, language... lots of language, yaoi!
Pairings: past 1+2; future unknown
Disclaimer: *draws line* this is my half of the fic and that's your half... you stay on your side and we'll get along fine
Feedback: yes... yes!... YES!!
Email: kyoki41@hotmail.com

 

"There's so much more I want to say, but I know it won't change anything." I just admitted to my defeat.

"You're right. Goodbye, Heero." It carries such a note of finality and to prove that he gets into his car, leaving me to stand there, alone. I refuse to say goodbye, not believing that this is the end.

__________
Part 12

I'm beyond emotion right now. I think the pain was so great that my heart just stopped feeling altogether. So this is what it's like to have the love of your life walk away.

I shouldn't be this calm right now. I should be wailing or screaming or tearing out my hair. Maybe I've done just the opposite, I've withdrawn so far into myself that I can no longer express anything. Not joy, not anger, not profound grief at the loss of the one meaningful thing in my life.

I don't know how I got back to my uncle's house, but that's where I am now. Will I be like this forever the rest of my days? In a sort of living coma? Dead to everything except the knowledge that I did exactly what Alexis said I might do. I let him slip right through my grasp.

She's in that same chair, curled up, reading a book. She doesn't hide her surprise at my early return.

"Heero? Why are you back so early? What happened?"

She looks shocked. Did I speak? Did I tell her that I might as well be dead because he's gone forever? I can't tell if my mouth moved or not.

"Here. Sit down." Am I moving? I must have moved because now I'm sitting. At the rate I'm going, I really will be like this forever.

"Heero, tell me what happened," her tone is so gentle, so soothing. Maybe it could lull me to sleep. I could finally sleep, the long sleep. The one where I don't have to wake up ever again.

"He... he's... I..." Did I speak again?

"He what?"

"He..."

"Heero, are you alright?"

"No."

"No what?"

"I'm not alright." She kneels down in front of me, taking my hand.

"Slap me." She looks taken aback by my request.

"What? Why?" she stammers.

"Just do it. Slap me, you bitch." That made her mad. Her right hand makes painful contact with my cheek.

"There! Happy now?" Oh, she's pissed. And I'm brought back to reality.

"Thank you. And no, I'm not happy. I'll never be happy again." Her mood softens.

"Why?"

"Duo doesn't want to see me anymore."

"Oh, Heero..."

"No, it's alright. Well, no, it's not alright, but you know what I mean. Oh fuck it, I don't even know what I mean."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"No, but I will. It turns out that my uncle did a lot more damage than I ever could have anticipated. Duo... he's so angry. There was nothing that I could say." Alexis squeezes my hand.

"Is there anything I can do?"

"Kill me?" She shakes her head slowly.

"I can't say the pain will lessen with time, because I know it won't. But no matter how much you hate yourself, there are still people who care about you. You can include me in that group."

"There's no pain. There isn't anything." That's so true. I felt nothing before I came back to this town, but now it's become anti-matter.

"Can I be alone?" I plead.

"Alright. But Heero, I want to see you tomorrow morning." She's asking me not to proceed with my suicide.

"Good night, Alexis."

"I fucking mean it. Please don't." She's begging now, almost to the point of tears. I can't promise her anything, I never could, not regarding this. She gets up and walks up the stairs with a heavy heart.

I'll wait awhile before I actually go through with it, just to make sure she's asleep. I have no wish to live longer. Everything died when Duo walked. My last moments will be filled with anguished thoughts of him. Just like my dreams, only this time, I'll be the one to die.

Time passes and I'm still sitting here. I'll have to move sooner or later, to go get a knife from the kitchen. Got to reopen that scar. I'm so deep into my depression that the knock on the front door almost eludes my hearing. I don't feel like getting up to answer it. It never occurs to me to question why someone would be here this late. Mechanically, I get up and go to the door, opening it without really knowing what I'm doing.

I'm agonizingly aware of everything as soon as I lay eyes on the person doing the knocking. Duo. He's standing in front of me. It must be an apparition. The real Duo said goodbye. The real Duo made it clear that I would never see him again. But I am seeing him, on my front porch. I can't stop myself. I reach out to see if my hand will pass through him. It hits solidity.

"I'm not a ghost." He's reading my mind.

"Wha-what are you doing here?"

"Can I come in?" Oh shit, he's still standing outside in the cold, with me gaping at him like the idiot I am.

"Wha? Oh, yeah. Yes, yes, come in." Slick, real slick.

"Thanks." He moves past me into the foyer, looking at me funny when I follow him.

"Heero, you forgot to close the door." He tries to say it as nicely as possible, but there's only so much you can do when the person you're with has lost his marbles.

I hastily close the door, trying hard to hide a blush. But he knows that I know he knows that I'm blushing. Wait, I just lost myself.

"Duo, I-"

"No," he interrupts. "Don't talk. Just... just stand there. I'll get right to the point. I came because I... I wanted to apologize for the shit I said. Well, yelled is more like it."

"You don't have to apologize." I surprised something that intelligent just sprouted from my mouth.

"Yes, I do. And I'm not done yet. About what you said, when you said that you missed me. Was that true?" My brain does a hop, skip, and a jump.

"Yes. It was true. It is true." He's trying not to cry, but it's not working too well. Maybe my only purpose in life is to make him cry.

"Please, Duo. Don't cry, not because of me. I don't deserve it." Once again, I should have remained quiet, because he's sobbing openly, again. I stand here for an eternity, wanting to do something to ease his tears, but nothing I do ever helps. I reach out slowly, barely moving, and come into soft contact with his shoulder. I guess that's all he needed because before I can even blink, he's clinging to me, burying his wet cheeks in my dinner jacket. My arms respond on their own and encircle him.

"I miss you too," he whispers.

 

TBC...

 

^________^ I probably just killed a good angsty fic with that, but I
couldn't help myself. ^____^