8-2-2000

Title: A Thousand Words
Author: Willow
Archive: GW Addiction (http://www.geocities.com/fenris_wolf0/), if she will, Darkflame (http://members.xoom.com/riouka/gwpage.html), Angel Eyes (http://www.geocities.com/SchloobNoMiko/)
Category: Shounen Ai/Yaoi, Angst, Songfic
Rating: PG-13 (language)
Pairings: 1x2/2x1, 4+3/3+4
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Warnings: langauge
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Spoilers: None
Disclaimer: GW doesn't belong to me. Song by Savage Garden.
Feedback: Yes please.

NOTES: This is very angsty and kind depressing (?)... I dunno, really, I just wrote it... you can determine for your self...

 

A Thousand Words
---------------------------------

 

//We stumble in a tangled web,
decaying friendships almost dead
And hide behind a mask of lies//

 

Duo stood staring at his best friend, his lover, tears streaming down his cheeks. Heero was throwing his belonging into a duffle in a hurried fashion.

"Why?" was all Duo could manage.

"'Why?' Why, Duo? Why do you think? Because it's over, because you, contrary to your disclaimer, have lied to me... over and over... maybe not intentionally, but you won't let me in, you won't let me know you... I've told you as much as I can about me, but you... you, Duo, have told me not a thing and you think we can still work? Huh? You think we can just have a relationship and me not know anything about the boy I am with?"

Duo was struck silent by the intensity of Heero's words. Was it all true? Did he lie? Did he not give himself fully to his love? Was this all his fault? Was he causing his love to leave?

 

//We twist and turn and we avoid,
all hope of salvage now devoid
I see truth inside your eyes//

 

"I--I..." Duo stuttered, his mouth was unwilling to work.

"I think not, am I right? I know nothing of you, this relationship will not work..."

Duo couldn't say anything, nothing would come. His voice choked in his throat and he tried to swallow the lump that had formed there. He looked pleadingly into Heero's cold cobalt eyes. No hope... there was no hope now... He could see it, plain as day, in that intense blue gaze. His world crumbled around him and he slumped to the floor, a limp form of emotional agony. His life was leaving him.

"Goodbye, Duo..."

 

//So take all this noise into your brain
and send it back again
I'll bear the cost, shed my skin, call you up and then...
I'll say the words out loud//

 

Hearing the lock click home Duo let out a wail of agony and loss. The wail of someone who has lost all and has no hope of getting it back.

After a time, Duo was too exhausted to scream anymore. All he could do was lay there, a pile of limbs on the hard wood floor, and sob. Hours later he fell into a fitful sleep, his mind repeating the scene over and over.

When he woke, Duo was dully aware of the fact that he was on the floor. He got up, groaning slightly as his body made him aware of the pains it had aquired.

He padded his way into the kitchen, hoping to find some food or something. Having found some orange juice, he sat at the table. He stared at the knife rack, they looked so inviting. No, he wouldn't go out that way. Not yet at least...

- 3 Weeks Later -

"Duo!" cried the Arabian as he ran up beside the boy leaning over the rail. "Glad I found you..."

"Why?" he asked monotonally.

"Eh... I... just wanted to talk to you is all," Quatre said nervously, the look in Duo's eyes frightened him. The sparkle and jovialness that had once characterized the boy named Duo Maxwell, was now replaced by flat nothingness.

"......" Duo stared out over the ocean at the sunset, waiting for the blond to continue.

"Duo, you... you've been... different... lately and well... we're all worried." the blond boy said, trying not to act as flustered as he was.

"Hn." was the only reply.

Sighing, Quatre turned to go, "If you ever want to talk, Duo, we're all here for you... K? Ja na..."

Quatre looked back once again as he entered the house. 'Duo...' he thought sadly.

Trowa came up behind his little lover, placing a comforting hand on the tense shoulder. "He'll be fine, he just needs time... he'll tell us when he's ready..."

"I hope you're right, Trowa, cause otherwise... I fear we'll lose him... in more ways than one..."

 

//You could resurrect a thousand
words to deceive me more and more
A thousand words will give the
reasons why I don't need you anymore//

 

Duo walked up to the Wing pilot who was working on said Gundam. "Heero?" he said, monotonally.

"I don't wanna talk to you, Duo. There is nothing between us... there never will be and nothing you can say will change that... in fact, anything you say will all the more proove the fact that we are nothing to one another and it will never work..."

Silently, as he had come to be, Duo turned away and left the hanger. As he stepped through the metal doorway he whispered a single sad word, "Aishiteru..."

 

//Time manipulates your heart,
preconceptions torn apart
Begin to doubt my state of mind//

 

Heero sat on the grating, watching the boy leave. 'Hn,' he thought, 'I wonder if he'll ever give up on us...'

"Aishiteru..."

'Did I just hear that?' he thought, 'No, couldn't have... I'm just hearing things... demo...'

More time passed and Duo became more meloncholly and silent. Quatre began to worry profusely about his friend, this was just not like him at all. Sure, Duo had his bouts of depression, who wouldn't in a war like this? But this had been going on for far too long and Quatre would be damned if he wasn't going to find out what the hell was eating at his friend.

"Duo? Duo please? Tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing."

"Bullshit!" Quatre screamed, "You can't mope about like that and then tell me that nothing is wrong. What happened to the joker? What happened to the boy who was always happy no matter what was going on? The one who figure the best thing to do was be happy, if only for other people's sakes?"

"He died."

Quatre clasped his hand to his mouth, he could feel the pain and emotional agony that Duo was drowning himself in. 'Oh Allah! Duo...' It hurt, oh gods did that hurt. He could feel the depth of Duo's pain... it was like someone had reached in and took a razor edged knife to the Shinigami pilot's soul. There were old wounds there too, not as deep as the new. Who could have done this much emotional damage to a soul as strong as Duo's? As he submurged himself in Duo's pain a name... and a face... came to him...

Heero.

Heero was the cause of all this pain and suffering? Souna... (1)

 

//But I won't go down on what I said
I won't retract convictions read
I may perplex, but I'm not blind//

 

"Why Duo? What happened? Why did he--" He was cut off by Duo's furious glare. Istead of backing off like a smart person, or one that didn't care, he plowed on, "Duo, I can feel it... my uchuu-no-kokoro--"

"Fuck your 'uchuu-no-kokoro', just leave me the fuck alone Quatre, I don't need you help... or you pitty."

"I..." Quatre couldn't say a thing, he was frozen where he was by the wild animal of fear and pain standing where Duo once stood. Then, suddenly, Duo was gone, running towards the hanger where his Gundam was resting.

Running at break neck speed, he didn't notice the arm sticking out across the door way until it was too late. He hit the floor with an 'oof' and glared up at his attacker.

Heero Yuy stared down at the boy on the floor and muttered a 'hn' as he yanked him upright.

"Leave me alone, Yuy, you don't give a dman for me, so don't help me... let me alone, I am warning you..." when Heero refused to let go, let alone move from infront of the hanger door Duo added, "or else..."

"'Or else' what? You'll spit in my eye? Kick me in the shin? Hn."

Duo glared at the boy before him as if he were something to be loathed... and maybe in Duo's opinion he was. Heero sighed, "I'm not going to take it back, you know? Your moping about isn't helping the mission, and that has to change... otherwise I'll have to carry out my orders..."

"Hn. Fine..." Heero looked relieved, "carry out your orders... what are they? To kill me? Hn, 'd save me the trouble."

Heero was stunned. Duo wanted to die? That is how far he'd go?

No, Duo wouldn't do it, the boy was a little crazy at times (and that was his charm) but he wasn't that determined when it came to pain... or was he?

 

//So take all this noise into your brain
and send it back again I'll bear the cost,
shed my skin, call you up and then...
I'll say the words out loud//

 

Heero looked at the boy and Duo just stared mutely back.

"You wouldn't kill yourself," Heero said finally.

"I don't need you to tell me what I would and wouldn't do, you don't give a dman, remember... what was it you said... 'I know nothing of you, this relationship will not work...' you know why you know nothing of me? It's cause even though I did tell you... everything... you were too busy paying attention to that damn laptop to listen. Yes, Heero, if you had listened you'd know all about me... from Solo to Deathscythe, but you don't give a damn... you never did!" Duo twisted trying to pry himself from the Wing pilot's grasp.

 

//You could resurrect a thousand
words to deceive me more and more
A thousand words will give the
reasons why I don't need you anymore//

 

"Let go... if you don't need me, Mr. Perfect Soldier, then I sure as hell don't need you... it doesn't really matter anyway..."

This struck Heero, if it never mattered then why had Duo been making such a fuss about it all? He got his answer.

"I don't know why I ever love -- yeah, love, Heero... -- everyone I love leaves me anyway... maybe I should just give up on it... then I wouldn't hurt so much... Solo... Sister Helen... Father Maxwell... everyone I ever knew..." and in a hushed whisper, as tears silently strolled down his cheeks, "... you."

 

//I'll say the words outloud. I'll say a
thousand words or more

Manipulation.
Fabrication.
Conversation.
Annihilation
I'll say a thousand words or more
Damnation.
Frustration.
Elevation.
Procreation
I'll say a thousand words or more//

 

Heero was struck to the core as he saw the tears flowing down Duo's cheeks. Had he missed everything Duo'd ever told him? Was that true? Heero thought back to all the times Duo just sat there on his bed yammering on about this or that as Heero typed away on a mission or something.

'True... all he said was true... it was my fault...'

"I'm sorry," he said as he brushed the tears off Duo's cheek.

Duo jerked out of his now slack grasp. "You think 'I'm sorry' is gonna do anything to-- to-- to make it up to me? To make amends??? How dense are you!?!?!" Duo was raving, mad that Heero would ever thing that a simple 'I'm sorry' would make up for all the pain... that he'd ever think Duo'd take him right back or something... well he'd would be damned if he was that easy on him.

"You cause me so much pain... how -- how can you even think or just saying I'm sorry?!"

"I-I thought you wanted me back...?" Heero was confused. "How... how can I make it up to you..."

Duo was shaking... Heero'd asked how he could make it up to him... he wasn't even sure himself, but one thing was for sure... he did want him back... he loved him, after all, god damnit, but... but he'd caused him so much pain...

"I-- I don't know..." he said at last... willing himself to calm down. "I don't know... But for now... I think... I think you need to go... I -- Heero, I can't be with you right now... not till I heal... then... we'll see..."

 

//You could ressurect a thousand
words to deceive me more and more
A thousand words will give the
reasons why I don't need you anymore//

 

Heero watched as Duo flew off in Deathscythe. A single tear made it's way down his cheek as he watched Shinigami's flight...

 

END
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Wha'd you think? Eh? Tell me! Should I do a sequel? Or should I just let you guys immagine what could happen?