Title: Standing Still
Author: Katerina Shinigami, Shi-chan (utenakat@yahoo.com)
Archive: see sig for locations and URLs
Some fics located at: http://www.angelfire.com/sc2/deathfics/menu.html,
http://www.homestead.com/Celerial2/Fanfic_Epilepsy.html, http://www.steelsong.com
Otherwise: yes, please tell me.
Category: songfic, shounen ai
Rating: PG
Pairings: 2+1
Warnings: Not exactly happy, not exactly sad... no real warnings I suppose.
Spoilers: No... just a scene of Duo--
Disclaimer: I own nothing you'd recognize... All this is for enjoyment, not profit.
Feedback: Of course. shichan @ comcast.net or joydrop @ comcast.net


Standing Still


[Cutting through the darkest night are my two headlights]


I love driving across this highway at night. Nothing but Nevada desert all around me. Coyotes and jack-rabbits my only compagnions as I cruise.

Behind me the sun is setting and above me the moon is new. I shiver as I turn on my headlights, sending the piercing light spilling across the desert highway. I've got the top of my '65 Chevy down and the air that swirls around me is bitingly chill.


[Try to keep it clear, but I'm losing it here
To the twilight]


The chill keeps me from thinking too much. Thinking about the war. Thinking out our fragile peace. Thinking about the person I left behind for his own good. Ok, so I ran away.


[There's a dead end to my left
There's a burning bush to my right]


I come across a crossroads I've passed many times before. One turn takes me to a dead end at a 'bad water' sink hole. The other... the other is much shorter and takes me into the lot surrounding a little white, run-down church.

Often times I take the right road... There's no one there, haven't been for years... The only ones who can call me for tresspassing are the ghosts and the local wildlife... And I don't think either mind.

Some of the stained-glass windows are shattered, others caked in dirt from years of disuse. It's funny really... When this place was new, it must have been a sight to see... even for a little prairie church.

I turn the engine off and climb out. A little metal plaque claims this as once being the Bailey Plains Church. Once... people had lived here. Once...

This little church gives me peace like no other I've visited in all of Christiendom. I think it's 'cause it's so old, at rest with the world. No restless spirits clinging to its walls. No horrific encounters scream into the night. Just a simple peace that comes from the centuries.


[You aren't in sight
You aren't in sight]


It's funny really... Only when he's not around, only when I cannot see him, do I seek this solitude, this peace. When I'm with him... when I'm around him, or even in sight of him, I don't need to go searching...


[Do you want me
Like I want you]


It hurts sometimes... seeing him. More accurately it hurts seeing him with Relena and happy. Why am I so jealous of her? Why can't I be happy that he's happy?


[Or am I standing still
Beneath a darkened sky]


Somewhere, in the back of my mind I realise I'm standing in the middle of a desert in the dark of the night reguarding a dilapidated church as if it holds the key to the world. How silly of me.


[Or am I standing still
With the scenery flying by]


Again another reason I come here... Here, I feel like I'm caught and everything's spinning around me... Like I feel when I'm around him. Like I'm trapped in the center of a whirlpool and life is breezing by me as I stand there... watching him.


[Or am I standing still
Out of the corner of my eye
Was that you passing me by]


That's where I stop myself... because I realize, when I'm trapped there... and life is going on... So is he.

It's not like I have to work or anything. We all stowed away what we could from OZ during the war... as well as a little from the Barton Foundation during that little mishap with the brat. So why worry that life is leaving me, moving on while I stand here and... pardon the pun, dwell on the past...


[Mothers on the stoop
Boys in souped-up coupes
On this hot summer night]


I hop back in my car, revving the solid 409 engine to get her warmed up.

Not far down the road I come across a small town... by small I mean the population sign reads 'pop. 129' and that's after a few changes...

I vaguely worry about my white-walls as I drive over the cracked and crumbling pavement, passing a tiny, old-style diner -- you never see these things in the colonies, thus I, being the curious bastard I am, had to park at one of the archaic meters, drop in a nickel, and go inside.


[Between fight and flight
Is the blind man's sight
And a choice that's right]


Inside it's ultra classic... Red pleather topped, silver spinny bar stools line the counter... Some booths line the front wall... and in the far corner, battered and dirty from age is a jukebox... and I mean a *jukebox*. One of those things that has the old vinyl albums inside inside it that are plucked from their spot by a metal rod to lay on the turntable and crow their weedling tune from the old, abused speakers.

This place seems so... lost in time.


[I roll the window down
Feel like I'm gonna drown in this strange town
Feel broken down
Feel broken down]


Tipping the waitress -- her pink stripped dress smudged from hours of serving and bussing tables -- I leave, climbing back into my car... my car which, like this town, is also a relic of time... lost and found and still clunking on as if life and the world had not left it in the dust.

I'm surprised I remembered to put the top up on my car before going into the diner... I guess I'm more out of it than I thought... How long was I in there, lost in my musings? The sun's starting to come up.

This is depressing.


[Do you need me
Like I need you?]


I never used to zone out like this... I used to be able to focus more on the shit going on around me. I used to be near as focused on my missions as the Perfect Soldier was on his...

I focused... when I was around him. Even though I got caught up in the swirl, watching everything unimportant flow around me like clothes in the rinse cycle, I could focus on things...

Why's it that I cannot now?


[Or am I standing still
Beneath a darkened sky
Or am I standing still
With the scenery flying by
Or am I standing still
Out of the corner of my eye
Was that you passing me by]


I blink to find myself no longer in the desert, but driving the crowded streets of Reno, the bright lights of the casino's assailing my unadjusted eyes.

That's just uncool... I could have sworn that I was in the desert not a second ago... miles out from the blinding glitter of this restless town.

Even in the dawn the city is still as active as Nashville during the day... [1]

I feel even more stationary in this bustle.


[Sweet sorrow - He's gone tomorrow
Sweet sorrow - He's gone tomorrow]


I park my car in the hotel's garage, deciding to let the world pass me by while I was unconscious of it...

I key the pad -- oh joy, modern technology -- and stagger over to my surprisingly comfy bed.

The moment my head hits the over-stuffed pillow -- I'm gonna have to beg them for a flatter one if I stay here any longer, this thing gives me an awful crick in the neck -- I'm out like a wet match.

I dream of him again.


[Do you love me
Like I love you?]


Sometime just before I open my eyelids to the sight of the watermark on the ceiling just to the right of the center of the bed, I realize I love him.

Yeah, yeah. 'Took you long enough, Maxwell. What a brilliant being you are.'

Well, guess what? You can shove it. You try falling in love and see if you recognize it right off the bat. And don't go giving me bullshit about red threads and cupid's arrows... Love happens, yes, no duh, but sometimes, it's more subtle than a sudden warm and fuzzy feeling in your stomach -- then again, I've had that warm and fuzzy feeling, it's called indigestion.

But yeah... after how many years of dreaming about him, thinking about him almost constantly, I finally realize I love him? Too many, I suppose. After all, we met when we were about 15 and I'm what? Twenty-two? Twenty-three? I forget...

He's twenty-three... then again, he's a little older than me.

At least eight years of pining for him unconsciously and I just now realize I've been doing so... Ok, so I love him. Now, the question is... is there the slightest chance he loves me?


[Or am I standing still
Beneath a darkened sky
Or am I standing still
With the scenery flying by
Or am I standing still
Out of the corner of my eye
Was that you passing me by]


I really hate staying in once place for a long time... I'm surprised Heero chose to do so... Then again, with the Princess on his arm, I'm not rendered speechless by the fact. (By the way, for the sake of proof, the only place I stayed in over a year was my flat in New Orleans... I still own it and go back from time to time... that place is fucking adictive! Gets in your veins!)

I think I scared the butler, turning up out of the blue like I did. Oh well. He'll live. I think.

Heero wasn't in, so I left him a message and busted my ass down to a little cafe I'd spotted on my way to their little Puerto Rican mansion.

Someone sits down across from me and I swear the scene screams cheesy foreign movie. Kinda reminds me of a scene in... oh what was it called? Oh yes, Under Suspicion. Except no PR hookers with badly dyed blonde hair.

Instead of hookers -- or Morgan Freedman -- I find none other than Heero Yuy sitting in the chair across from me.


[Oh you're passing me by
Passing me by]


"What are you doing here?" He asks, a little-- well, a lot shocked (for him).

Me? For my credit I smile winningly. "I just decided to drop in and see you." No lie there... I'd been laying in bed after my realization and just up and decided to grab life by the horns once more.

Now let's see it try to pass me by-- I know I know, 'Easy there, sonny, you still gotta grab the horns, you're just looking at them right now. The grabbin' comes with the yappin'.' Ok, so I spent a little too much time roaming the southern US. Is that a crime?


[Do you need me like I need you to?]


He smiles back. My heart faulters. "Well, it's a nice surprise." I want to cry. I really do. Look at him? So human-- "It's been so long... I didn't think you wanted to see me again."

My heart stops. My face drains of blood... I can feel all the heat drain from my cheeks. How could I not want to see him again? He's all that's kept me going. How could he think that...

Oh, duh, let's see... I up and disappeared the day he told me he was going to stay with Relena. I never wrote or called or nothing, not even a fucking Christmas card for God's sake, in eight years... Ok, I can see why he thinks that.

"I've just been... trying to get my head straight," I tell him. Truth. Truth.

"Aa." Oh that familiar commentary is such a relief. I've missed it so much. Hell, I've missed him so much. "You know..." He pauses and I blink at him to get him to go on. "I've missed you."


[Do you want me like I want you?
Or are you passing me by?
Or am I standing still?]


He's missed me. Maybe I have a chance.

You missed me... Do you want me, Heero? 'Cause I want you.

And guess what?

I'm tired of standing still...




[1] Nashville is very very very busy during the day... hell, it's the Music City, the Country Music Capital of the World... <spats at it> I hate Nashville... hence the comparison for the night life of Reno... <shrugs> I'm supposing since Reno's one of those cities that never sleeps it's night'd be like Nash's day.
[2] There is this I've mentioned to the other ML... this is not 1+R... in the original ending Heero reveals that he stayed with her because she needed him to help her set up Preventers and Duo'd run away before he could tell him that... the idea stands... but that's not the story... basically, I'm just saying, this isn't meant to be a 1+R at all... <bows out>