3-10-2002

Title: Crawling In The Dark
Author: Katerina Shinigami, Shi-chan (shichan@comcast.net)
Archive: http://www.gwaddiction.com/, http://nav.to/chibitrowa, http://mediaminer.org/fanfic/
Some fics located at: http://www.angelfire.com/sc2/deathfics/menu.html,
http://www.homestead.com/Celerial2/Fanfic_Epilepsy.html, http://www.steelsong.com
Otherwise: yes, please tell me.
Category: songfic, extremely mild shounen ai
Rating: PG
Pairings: 2+1
()()()()
Warnings: semi-dark moments, mention of cutting, extremely mild shounen ai
()()()()
Spoilers: none really
Disclaimer: I don't own anything. This is for fun and enjoyment, no money is being made. Please don't sue me, as I am poor. 'Crawling in the Dark' belongs to Hoobastank... not me, not Duo...
Feedback: Yes please. All flames received will be used to light the fire under my ass and get me to write more fics that are against your liking, so there.

 

Crawling In The Dark

 

Strange how life's experiences, tragedies, and desires spill into one's creative outlet, filling, tainting, polluting the product of one's time and labor, Duo thought, smirking cynically to himself as he looked at the words he'd written.

"I will dedicate
And sacrifice my everything for just a second's worth
Of how my story's ending"

That's what he wanted... to know how his story, his life would end...

The braided teen wanted to crumble the offending paper, throw it from his sight, be rid of it forever. Why ever did he think these words, these desires, should be penned in the first place? It was silly, to waste time on such flippancy; but as he stared at the page, the carelessly scrawled script there on, he could not toss it away. Instead, he once again put pen to paper...

"And I wish I could know if the directions that I take
And all the choices that I make won't end up all for nothing"

That's what it all came down to, didn't it?

For a moment, Duo sat back and just looked at his words, reflecting.

 

<flashback>

He watched from his tree branch as Heero and Relena walked in the garden, the blonde girl pointing out gardenias and poppies and all she saw beauty in. Duo wrinkled his nose in mild distaste, the girl was so naive, so pure; just what Heero needed, Duo thought bitterly, to get him settled into peace time and civilian life. 'And if that's what it takes to make Heero happy...'

Not long after, Duo excused himself from Relena's hospitality and disappeared for a time.

<end flashback>

 

Now here he was, sitting at a table in the back of a little shuttle headed for battle once more, writing down his pain, his inner turmoil.

"Show me what it's for
Make me understand it
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer"

He almost laughed as his pen trailed off the last curve of the 'r'... That's exactly what he'd been doing this whole time, crawling in the dark, looking for an answer. He wanted to make Heero happy right? So he'd left. Now, Heero shows up out of the blue and asks him on a mission to rescue Relena Peacecraft and prevent another war; and he was supposed to not break down? Being so close to Heero, seeing how the former Wing pilot was still not happy, all he could think of was how he wanted to be the one to make a smile appear on Heero's sullen face. 'Gah,' he scoffed, tossing his pen down and laying his head in his hands.

"Is there something more than what i've been handed?
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer

Help me carry on
Assure me it's ok to use my heart and not my eyes
To navigate the darkness"

Splash. A salty droplet soaked into the thin paper, making the ink run. Another. And another. They marked the sheet with Duo's emotions, the pain that permeated the words he wrote.

"Will the ending be ever coming suddenly?"

The braided boy laughed hollowly. He did not deny to himself the number of times he'd contemplated a knife or razor blade, dragged the glittering edge down his pale flesh, watched a thin line of red well-up in it's wake. It was such a stupid thing to do... like sitting at the table writing about things he wanted and knew he could never have... 'Stupid,' he chided himself. 'Just like Heero calls you, stupid.'

"Will I ever get to see the ending to my story?

Show me what it's for
Make me understand it
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
Is there something more than what i've been handed?
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer"

He sighed as he looked at his writings... His heart lay on this lined and tear-stained paper, laid bare for anyone to read, to see. Letter by letter he felt his heart lighten just a touch.

"So when and how will I know?"

He didn't know his answer yet, didn't know when he'd find it or how he'd know it was the answer but...

"How much further do I have to go?
How much longer until I finally know?
Because I'm looking and I just can't see what's in front of me
In front of me"

Duo sat back and reread the last lines he'd written. That was it -- he really was an idiot! He laughed, this time the sound rang with a kind of strange joy -- the joy of one who'd solved a complex problem of life and found what he sought.

"Show me what it's for
Make me understand it
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer
Is there something more than what i've been handed?
I've been crawling in the dark looking for the answer"

He knew now what he had to do... He groped for all the courage within himself; he'd need it for what he was about to do. Standing, Duo float-walked to the door panel. He paused, his hand on the switch, and took a look back at the table... No longer would he crawl in the dark...

Smiling, he opened the door and, smirking at the paper and pen lying on the scratched metal table, turned off the light. The door shut behind him, sending the small room unto pitch darkness.

 

 

Owari