5-13-2000

Title: Angel
Author: Willow, [song by Sarah Mclachlan]
Archive: GW Addiction
Category: Yaoi, Sap, Depressing, Shounen Ai, Deathfic (again D-E-A-T-H-F-I-C), Angsty
Rating: PG-13
Pairings: 1+2, 4+3, and 5+Sally
Notes: If you don't want to cry, don't read (at least that's what I was told).

12 May 2000

_______

Angel (Revision 2.0)

Based on the song “Angel” Sarah Mclachlan

~~ Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay ~~

Heero looked on in disbelief. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't tear his eyes from the now smoldering rubble that was Deathscythe Hell.

/Duo.../

He had been stunned when the boy had confessed his feelings for him. Surprised that the boy could share the same feeling for him as he did for that braided baka. Especially considering that Duo was constantly surrounded by girls.

But there it was, Duo had told him almost straight out, that he had feelings for him, Heero. No, that he loved him, that was how he'd put it, the word he'd used.

Now the boy he'd so wanted to hold and be the one to comfort was gone. Heero hadn't even told him that he loved him, too. Now he'd never get the chance.

When Duo'd told him, Heero'd just stood there and stared at him, dumbfounded. Duo'd obviously taken his silence for rejection, for he stormed out and flown off in Deathscythe.

Heero'd wanted to tell the volet-eyed angel exactly how much he had -- had hoped -- to hear those words from him, but Heero being Heero had said nothing, causing Duo to run off crying.

~~ there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day ~~

The funeral was short and sweet. Quatre had tried to resist the tears, but ended up with silent streams of shining, salty liquid flowing down his pale cheeks, Trowa comforting him as tears ran down his own cheeks. Wufei had controlled his own emotions in public, to honor Duo's memory Heero suposed. But once back at the safe house, had gone off to his room followed only by Sally Po; crashes and wailes of misery and loss could be heard from the opposite end of the compound. Heero had just sat there, shock still written all over his face.

He had had so much he'd wanted to tell Duo, but now he'd never get the chance. He sat on his bed, as the sun set, staring at the permemantly empty bed across the room.

A tear wound its way down his cheek. Heero paid it no mind and soon others joined it, making a small, salty, wet patch on his shirt. He didn't care.

Heero heard Trowa calling them for dinner. He didn't feel like eating. After a time, he heard a knock at the door and a red-eyed Quatre peeped in.

"Heero, please come to dinner, please," he said, a tear aimlessly trickling down his face, fluched from hours of crying.

Heero stood up and followed Quatre to the kitchen. He sat down at the small table, that seemed all to large with it's missing fifth occupant.

Wufei had his head down and did not move as Trowa laid out the meal. Dinner was eaten, or picked at as the case was, in silence except for the ocassional sniffle from Quatre or something that sounded suspiciously like a strangled sob from Wufei, but for all they knew could have been a snore.

After dinner, all immediately went to bed. No one wanted the day to last any longer than it had to. The pain was too great and only the vast oblivion of sleep could nullify it.

~~ I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins ~~

A few months passed and Heero is often found at the grave. Talking to Duo. Bidding the violet-eyed boy to hear him.

"I don't want to forget... Never, I want you to know how much I care... It's all my fault! If I hadn't been so unfeeling you'd never have run off and you'd still be here!" Heero lamented, his voice a harsh whisper choked with grief and guilt. Tears of grief, pain, regret, and frustration ran down unnoticed as he worked.

"Why?! Why you?!" Heero finished cleaning the head stone in silence then left.

~~ let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight ~~

Heero sat at the table and poked the food on his plate. It was nice of Trowa of fix him food, but he just wasn't hungry.

/He's been like this ever since.../ thought Quatre as he eyed the stoic figure across the table from him, /He's lost so much weight, he'll just waste away at this rate. Is that what you want, Heero? To die? Yes... I suppose it is./

Heero exscused himself and made his way to his room. He entered the dark room, not bothering to turn on a light, and flopped down on the bed. Tears claimed his face and wet his pillow as he silently weeped. Sleep crept over him, like welcome caresses from a lover.

/Duo.../ he thought as he drifted into the void.

~~ In the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear ~~

Heero dreamed of Duo. The violet-eyed boy smiled down on him lovingly. A hand stroked one tear stained cheek. It was a sweet dream, but that dream always turned into a nightmare when he woke.

But for now he reveled in the dream, telling this Duo everything he could never tell the boy... now.

"I love you, Duo. I wanted to tell you that so badly, but I could never work up the courage to tell you or find the right words... I caused this, I didn't say a thing when you told me how you felt... I was too stunned... I should have said something..."

~~ you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there ~~

Heero downed a bottle of codine, he was at the end of his rope. His head throbbed with pain caused by grief and lack of sleep. He'd been taking sleeping pills, but after a time even they no longer brought relief. He longed to sleep, to live in his dreams with his dream Duo...

/Duo, let me be with you!/

Quatre knew of his predicament. He knew that he was taking it harder than all the rest of them combined, but he had no idea that it had gone this far. He had come to get Heero for lunch and the sight that met him was all too painful.

Heero was holding the bottle of Tylenol 3 that the doctor had given him for his migrains. He had the intent of just swallowing the rest of the bottle when a kind and scared Quatre threw himself at him.

"Heero, no please! No, I -- I had no idea... Oh, Heero, please don't..." He'd suspected Heero might have an addiction with the number of times that he returned ot the doctor to get a new perscription, but he'd thought that his friend was trying new types, finding one that woudl work to ease his pain, but no... "Heero, I should have known sooner, I should have seen the signs!"

Quatre drew the boy to him. Heero was thinner than he looked. Quatre felt as if he would break him just holding him.

"Heero, please..." he felt Heero breath onto his neck, "When was the last time you ate? Oh, Heero, please... You are going to eat and get some rest... I promise you this... and this is my promise to Duo... I made him this promise in my silent prayer to him at his funeral... I promised him I'd take care of you and I will keep my promise!"

When Quatre had seen to it that Heero'd eaten properly and gone to sleep, he slipped into Trowa's room. Tears again claimed his rosy cheeks as Trowa folded his arms around his small lover.

"Trowa, he tried to kill himself," Quatre said quietly, "One's bad enough... Two, would have been too many..."

~~ So tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back ~~

Heero decided to talk to Relena, god-only-knows why. Maybe her endless jabber would momentarily replace his.

When he arrived she greeted him solomnly. The look on her face told him everything. She'd be no help to him.

 

All of them felt the reprocussions of his passing. Same with her.

"Hello, Heero. How are you?"

"Fine..." he lied.

"I'm sorry..." she murmured quietly. Tears began to streak donw her face, "I know that he was you're best friend, I know how hard it is--"

"You know nothing..." She took a step back at the malice in his tone.

"Heero?"

"I -- I'm the reason he's gone. He thought I rejected him... He -- he's dead because of me! He thought I chose you! Can't you fucking see? I care for him so much ... and now he's gone..." he trailed off, he muttered something so soft that if she hadn't been listen closely she'd have missed, "I love him..."

"I'm sorry... for everything... Goodbye, Heero..." She said turning.

"Aa," he said, then turned and left. /What a waste of time and energy.../

~~ and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack ~~

Heero once again sank into the peaceful, yet irritating dreams of Duo.

He longed to have the boy wrapped in his arms, but that was no longer possible.

When ever he woke from the dreams, he had to remind himself just why the angel wasn't in his arms. /Duo's dead! That's why... that's why he's not with you baka.../ he told himself.

Only in his dreams could he pretend that this harsh reality was not the truth.

And for Heero, the dreams were the only way Duo'd ever know just how much he cared -- iie, loved him!

~~ it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees ~~

Heero often woke from the dreams and had a lingering feeling of warmth. He told himself it was wishful thinking, but time and again the warmth of his dream-Duo lingered after he woke.

On the anniversery of his death, Heero made a special trip to the grave. What he saw there made him stop in his tracks.

Whether it was his imagination or a play of the light, Heero didn't know. And he really didn't care. For at the grave, stood Duo, aglow in heavenly light. He didn't dare blink for fear that the beautiful illusion would vanish.

The angel smiled, a promise on his lips. Heero stood mesmerized, taking in this ethereal beauty. And when the angel spoke, the cords of his voice were pure music, untainted by life... or by flesh.

"Heero, I will always love you... always be with you... please, love, don't despair..."

The angel lithely walked over to the now kneeling boy and placed his arms around his shoulders.

"It's ok, I'm here and will always be here..."

~~ In the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear ~~

Heero cried openly. Giving into all his grief, telling the boy all he'd so longed to say for a year.

"Duo -- I --" he tried again, "Duo, I love you! I love you so much! I was just too damn stubborn to tell you and a little shocked that you felt the same... I -- It's my fault! It's all my fault... I'm sorry Duo, I've failed you! I wish -- I wish we could be together... I know that I don't deserve you..." Heero said, finally controlling his sobs, tears still trickled down his cheeks.

"No..." the single word rang sweet in Heero's ears. Such a pleasing sound. "Don't feel that way... I love you... please don't ever feel that way... I am not dead because of you..." though the angel's voice was not above a whisper, it carried to the heavens. "Though I cannot be with you in physical form... I will always be with you here..." he placed his hand to the boy's heart.

Heero looked into his eyes and knew that it was the truth. Duo'd never leave him, he never had.

He knelt there and watched the angel slowly ascend to the glowing heavens. He remained there for a long time. Thinking. Remembering. Loving.

~~ you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there ~~

Quatre stopped when he saw the kneeling figure of the ex-Wing pilot. He turned quickly and burried his face in his lover's dark turtleneck, fearing what he would see if he he looked.

"No, look..." Trowa whispered.

Heero stood up, clutching a silvery necklace. He undid the clasp and placed the necklace around his neck. He turned and was surprised to find the others standing at the edge of the plot. He smiled at them. His smile was in honor of his love. A smile of genuine pleasure.

He whispered a silent 'thank you' to the boy who had pulled him from his hell, who had saved him. He felt as if he were wrapped in warmth. He heard musical laughter and his smile widened.

"H-heero?" Quatre asked quietly.

Heero walked up to the boy and looked him in the eyes, still smiling.

"He forgave me... he said it wasn't my fault... he said he loves me!" he laughed at this last part, tears of mirth trickling from his eyes.

"Who?" the little Arab asked.

"Duo..." Trowa said to the blonde, "Duo..." with this Trowa smiled down at him, "Who else could bring that much joy... love... into Heero?"

Quatre smiled at him and for the first time in almost a year, it reached his eyes.

~~ you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here ~~

The angel in heaven smiled down at his friends. He watched them as they grew older and enjoyed themselves. He loved them all... Heero most, for he was the one who had captured his heart.

"They are all wonderful..." he whispered, his voice filling the heavens with music. (1)

He watched them live and love. Heero was happy and this made the others happy. The angel constantly reached out to him, sending him lovely dreams of them... dreams of what he hoped they'd still have when the time came.

- 10 years later -

Heero lay on the bed, Relena sat beside her friend. (2) Heero wouldn't last much longer, the cancer had spread to his brain and his life signs were fading fast.

Relena did not weap. Not for lack of want, but out of respect for the strong man, the man who had shown her how to be strong and how to live her life. This man not lay in a hospital bed, dying. /It was unfair, he should have the right to live.../ she thought, yet she knew he was heading where he wanted to be most: to be with the one he truly loved.

"Heero..." she whispered. He slowly opened his eyes and smiled at her.

She remembered when he'd learned to smile. By Quatre's account, he had been forgiven by the violet-eyed boy. She was glad.

Although she'd lost her first love to him, she thanked Duo for giving him such a gift. Love and a smile that made his beauty that much more captivating.

Heero's smile faded for an instant, then he spoke, his voice soft and weak, "Relena..."

She looked at him and leaned closer so he wouldn't have to strain to be heard.

"I -- My time is now... goodbye, Relena..." with that his eyes closed and his life signs ceased.

The machines flatlined and the medical staff began to pour into the room.

Relena stood as the doctors entered the room. /He's on his way, Duo... please take care of him.../ she smiled to herself and left the hospital.

~~ In the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there ~~

Heero opened his eyes and was rewarded with the sight of beautiful indigo-violet eyes inches from his own.

"Hello..." the eyes whispered. The melody bringing Heero into full consiousness.

"Hello..." he replied, his voice too being soft and melodious.

Just then the violet eyes pounced on him. The two of them wrestled for control. Finally Heero gained the upper hand and they laughed as the violet eyes closed on him for a brief whisper of a kiss.

Heero leaned in, making the kiss deeper and passionate.

"I've been waiting for you..." the violet laughter cried. Tears of joy streamed from the pool of violet emotion.

"No longer must you wait," he returned, wiping the tears from the angel's face.

"No, I suppose not," he said, smiling bright enough to put the sun to shame.

Their days were spent bathing in the light of the sun or lying entwined in each other's embrace. They awaited the day when their friends would join them, but... there was no rush. Besides, why infringe on their right for a long life?

So they spent their wait together and happy. There was no better heaven than this...

~owari~

Notes:
(1) Yes, Duo whispering. My idea of angels are melodious voices that are a whisper that only the chosen can hear. So if Duo is an angel, his voice is a whisper that sends beautiful music flowing through the heavens.
(2) Friend, yes... I explained this in revision 1.0/2.0.
(3) I wrote this fic a long time ago, and just now have had time to refine it and send it to you!
(4) Dedicated to... anou... My 'nee-chan, I guess... it is a sappy fic, so she can have the dedication... also dedicated to my closest firends who keep telling me that I am a good writer (love yuo aurelie) when I don't think so...

(5) Thank's to: Rhi-chan, for introducing me to Sarah M...; 'nee-chan for introducing me to GW and Yaoi!; anou... GWML and all the other MLs (DuoML, gw-fan, etc) for reading this fic. Thank you bonnejeanne for cheering me up and being there in my time of need... and thank you aurelie for continuing to be there for me time and again.
(6) C&C craved! Please! This one of my favourite fics, it was so hard to write this! 10 pages.... see folks I am getting better... er, longer... yeah...