1-30-2001

Title : Crawling
Author : Willow
Archive: GW Addiction, DF's, otherwise: yes, just ask
me.
Type : songfic, sequel to Sleeping Beauty
Spoilers : none.
Warnings : dark-ish
Keywords : songfic, shounen ai, 1+2
Rating : PG
Disclaimer : Not mine, never will be. Nope none of it, get me? Don't sue! *pauses, thinks* please?
Feedback : Great good gods, yes!
Written: 09.Dec.00
Posted : 10.Dec.00
Note : Song by Linkin Park off the CD 'Hybrid Theory'.
[....] Lyrics.

 

Crawling
--------------------

"I can't be with him.... not just protecting myself.... I'm not worthy of him...." were where Duo's thoughts revolving, spinning further into self hatred and depression with each loop.

Finally, after hours of agonizing over his on worthlessness and self hatred, Duo fell into a fitful sleep where he relived that hour that had changed his life, over and over again in slow motion. Each movement vividly clear and painful in his mind. All asailing him until he were to wake.

. . . . . .

[Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real]

The sense of them burned along his skin, making him nauseous. It made his flesh crawl just to think of it, but he couldn't stop it. The dreams were always there, never-ending, incessant in their assault on his psyche.

In his dreams there was blackness, he never saw his asailants. His mind was a continuous roller-coaster of ups, downs, and spiraling loops. He felt them, their hands on him, stroking him, hitting him, doing whatever they pleased with him. He couldn't fight back, even in his dreams he couldn't change the outcome.

As the dream continued, coming to that fateful moment when they began to shove their swelling organs into his unprepared entrance, his mind spiraled in fear. And as they placed themselves one by one into his body he fell. His mind plumetting into the blackest pit of oblivion, trying to escape the atrocity of the ravaging of his young body.

Just like before, his mind reeling, he lost touch with reality, retreating into himself, only this time it was just the blank scape that was sleep, deep and inpenatrible.

. . . . . .

[There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
Consuming/Confusing
This lack of self-control I fear is never-ending
Controlling/I can't seem]

Duo awoke the next morning, his body drenched in sweet. He could still feel them inside him, on him. He wanted to vomit at the pain and nausea the thought/feeling caused. He was scared and scarred. He could feel the depression and self hatred of the previous night pulling at him again, drawing him into the abyss of his own viscous self-destructive thoughts. These thoughts consumed him, taking priority over reality, blocking everything else out, and plunging him back into the black cesspool of nightmares. He continued to berate himself in his dreamscape until the sound of the door shutting awoke him again.

He looked at the window, by the light it was sometime after noon. Oh well, he didn't feel like going to school today anyway.

On the bedside table there was another bowl of soup and a note. He ignored the soup, reaching instead for the note.

In neatly scrawled handwritting it read:

Please eat something and sleep all you like. See you
when we get home from school. Love, Heero.

Duo sighed and crumbled the note, tossing it into the waste pale. He turned over onto his side, pulling the covers over his head. He thought about Heero, how he smiled at him or how he hovered over him like a mother hen at times. That led, inevatibly, to another round of self-loathing and upbraiding. "I shoulden't let him.... he's far better than me, et cetra. Somewhere in his loop of hateful thoughts, he lost himself. Who he was, what he was, why he was.... all he knew was his own worthlessness.

[To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced
That there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure]

The darkness enveloped him and he watched from somewhere deep inside himself as the walls closed in around him, once again sealing him off from the outside world.

'I hate myself. He should hate me too. Please hate me, Heero. I want you to hate me too.' he thought as he sat in the blackness of his mind.

Obscure images floated about in random patterns. Some of them laughed at him in scorn. Some looked on him with pitty. Others just looked through him, as if he didn't exist.

'Maybe I shouldn't exist.... then he could find someone worthy....' he thought.

. . . . . .

"He's afraid, Trowa. He's afraid to love and to be loved. He thinks he's worthless." Quatre murmured to his love as they stood in line to get lunch.

"Aa, and he's insecure about what Heero wants to give him. He has no confidance in himself now.... I think he thinks he is the cause of everything that has ever gone wrong for him...." Trowa said.

"Aa...." Quatre agreed, looking sadly at where Heero sat in the cafe.

. . . . . .

[Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real]

Duo sat on his bed. Beside him sat the bowl of soup, long since grown cold. He had been trying to sort this all out since he'd awoken the second time. His mind reeled at the thought of feeling like that again. And every time he tried to picture himself and Heero together his fear rose causing his heart to try and rabbit it self out of his chest and run from the prospect. Or made him feel like he was falling into a bottomless pit that, at any given moment might find it humorous to decide to have a bottom.... one with jagged stalagmites and sharp crystals to tear his body as it was impelled on one of the craggy stones.

He was so tired from trying to sort out what was real and what was fear induced halucination. All of it was muddled together in his brain as one big dark landscape of dead trees with bits of flesh hanging from jagged limbs. The trees old and hollow with evil smiles and vampire bats in their trunks awaiting some foolish soul to approach so they could rip it to shreads.

Duo shivered and lay back on the bed.

. . . . . .

[Discomfort, endlessly has pulled itself upon me
Distracting/Reacting
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection
It's haunting how I can't seem]

Heero knocked on the door.

"Come in...." came the tired reply.

"Duo?"

"Hm?"

"Wanna go someplace? Get out in the fresh air?" Heero asked hopefully.

"No thanks, 'm tired." Came the muffled reply from under the covers.

If Heero'd been telepathic he'd have heard the mental chant of 'please go away please go away please go away' coming from the boy in the bed. But he wasn't and he didn't, so he said, "Ok, well, g'night, Duo, sleep tight." and left.

. . . . . .

Everytime Heero was near him, Duo was uncomfortable. He was of conflicting emotions, he loved, or thought he loved, Heero, but on the other hand he felt completely unworthy of the Japanese boy's love.... and feared it.

It distracted him, though, from his self-depriciation.

Deciding to venture to the bathroom, Duo stood up and walked over to the door. Glancing sideway he caught his reflection in the mirror. Duo was shocked by his appearance. Where as he was once wiry and slightly muscular, now he was drawn and cadaverous. He looked like walking death. His violet eyes were dull and sunken in. His cheek bones far to prominent. His clothes, once nicely tailored to fit him, were baggy and far too large.

The boy in the mirror was not someone Duo Maxwell recognized. He was a skeleton claiming eyes and a chestnut rope of hair. An escapee from a bad horror film, maybe, looking as if he'd truly been drug from the grave to play a role in 'Night of the Living Dead.' This was not Duo Maxwell.

[To find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced
That there's just too much pressure to take)
I've felt this way before
So insecure]

As Duo continued to stare at the stranger in the mirror, noticing other rather salient differences, the edges of his vision dimmed. Before he could seat himself, his vision was cast in black.

He woke to find himself staring at the steril white ceiling of a hospital room. Trowa and Heero were at his bedside, faces drawn in worry.

"Thank gods you're awake!" Heero said, controlling himself. What he really wanted to do was grab the braided boy and hug him tight.

"Anemia," Trowa said. "You'll be fine, but you must eat and rest." His voice was stern and Duo decided not to argue. Besides, what good would it do him? Trowa was right, so he nodded.

Duo turned his face to the wall, "I'd like to sleep now." 'please leave please leave pleave, oh please leave!!!!' he thought, wrapping his arms around himself to take away the chill that had suddenly fallen upon him.

"Ok, you rest, Duo." Heero said, as he and Trowa left the room. He shut the door quietly and Duo sighed.

[Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real]

He thought over everything since the incident, trying to come to grips with what was reality. As he thought about what his asailants had done to him he felt the icy ball of fear settle in the pt of his stomach, but banished it. He had to get through this, maybe, someday, he could be worthy of Heero, but he must get past this first step. He had to if he ever wanted that chance.

[Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing/Confusing what is real]

 

Owari.