Don't Be Too Quick To Judge
Anime series: Gundam Wing
Romance/drama/alternate universe(in a few ways)
Not a lemon or a lime
Pairings: Duo and Heero
Spoilers: Possible spoiler for Heero's Episode Zero...
Story blurb: Duo is still trying to get Heero to relax after the wars. No more missions for the wars, no, but there are missions from the Preventers. At this moment in time they have no mission, but Heero seems to be dwelling on the subject of missions. When Duo finds Heero outside of their house, Duo asks him a question and it leads to something of the missions and Duo blows up.
Dedication: This fanfiction is dedicated to my good friend SkyLark.
Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Wing or any of its characters. The only characters that are mine are the ones that don't belong to or in Gundam Wing.
WARNINGS: Shounen ai, OOCness, references to past rapings and other forms of tortures. Um...I think that's it.
Heero was outside. He'd taken a walk through the backyard meadow and was now sitting under a tree looking at everything and nothing. He was paying attention to nothing his eyes seemed to be staring at. If one cared to look at his eyes closely enough, one would notice that he was staring passed everything, rather than at it. He was thinking about his past. All of it that he could remember up until the present day.
Duo walked up behind him with a mirror. Heero didn't notice him at all. Didn't hear his footsteps, didn't hear his breathing, didn't hear the rustling of his clothes, nothing. Duo knelt next to Heero. Heero didn't make a move to show he acknowledged him.
Duo slipped the mirror under Heero's nose. This Heero acknowledged. He turned to Duo and Duo took the mirror away. "What are you doing?" Heero asked.
"Just checking to see if you were still breathing, that's all." Duo said, laying the mirror off to the side, where it wouldn't get broken. He may not believe in the seven year bad luck thing, but it was a good mirror and he didn't need to put it in his back pocket and then sit on it and break it or step on it or something, besides, he didn't want to press his luck. If the thing broke, maybe they would get seven years of bad luck. Seven years of working as Preventers and nonstop missions. Ugh, they'd die!
"What's up?" Duo asked.
"Nothing." Heero said.
"Thinkin' of somethin'?" Duo pressed.
"Yes." Heero answered.
"What?" Duo asked.
"A lot of things." Heero said, with a sigh, leaning back against the trunk of the tree. "It isn't good for the mission for us to be distracted. We should stop talking about stupid things and concentrate on the upcoming mission." Heero stated.
"God DAMN it, Heero!!! That's all you ever think about! The missions! You walk, talk and BREATHE those fucking missions! We haven't got a mission right now! Enjoy it! That's what you're SUPPOSED to do! What the fuck is your problem?!?! No! You know what?! I don't wanna know, anymore!" Duo yelled getting up and heading back toward the house.
"You're so quick to judge me. You don't know what goes on inside my head! Is that what it is?! You're frustrated, because I wont let you inside my head and there's a reason for that! Not because of the fucking missions and not because I don't like you!" Heero said, getting up and turning Duo around to face him, instead of letting him walk off, angry.
"Yes, it is! Those are exactly the reasons! You've said them enough!" Duo yelled back, in Heero's face.
"No! If you really want to know what it is, it's that I can't forget my past! I relive it every single day and every single night and in my dreams! Daydreams and night dreams both! I remember it every waking hour and every moment I'm supposed to be asleep! The only time I've ever been able to forget is during a mission! Then I don't give myself TIME to remember! That's one of the reasons I'm always on my laptop! If I surround myself with the mission and give myself no time for sleep or rest, I wont have to remember! Remembering that I was nothing, but a damn lab experiment isn't fun, Duo! Remembering what was done to me, isn't fun, Duo! I was in training since I was five, but that might be wrong, because I've only been able to remember Dr. J and some glimpses of a man named Odin Lowe! Those aren't fun either! You want to name some sort of torture and I'll bet anything it happened! There was even a schedule for it! Monday: Rape, Tuesday: Beatings, Wednesday: Some form of brain washing. I was supposed to forget all past, but where I was and then I was supposed to only follow orders. Thursday: Whippings, and that's with an actual whip. Friday: Target practice. I was the target. Saturday: Injections of all kinds, making my blood immune to contamination and also, others, to just make me sick. Sunday: I got to rest, so I didn't end up dead. Next Monday, it started all over again! I have to remember and relive that every day! I want it to stop!" Heero said, now starting to cry.
Duo felt like a jerk. Worse than a jerk. But, he knew that he didn't have time for self loathing right now. Heero was in pain and in need of comforting. After hearing what had happened to Heero, Duo could only make his voice as loud as a whisper.
Duo reached his hands up and drew Heero closer, letting Heero's head rest against his chest, while he cried. "Come 'ere." Duo whispered. "I'm sorry...I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have pushed you to talk about it. God, I'm sorry." Duo whispered, hugging Heero close and burying his face in Heero's hair.
Duo got Heero into a sitting position on the ground, while he sat and held him. Heero's body literally wracked with sobs and none too soft either. Duo tried to sooth him in any way he could. He'd decided right then and there that nothing was going to hurt Heero like that ever again. He'd only pressed Heero so hard, because he loved him, but couldn't tell Heero. He was afraid of rejection. He would rather have Heero as a friend, than have everything he ever had with Heero torn away from him. He'd been Heero's best friend for a long time. Since they were fifteen. He figured that he should tell him, now. But, he would wait. If he thought about it...now wasn't the time. Duo suspected that Heero needed a good cry. And maybe many more, but Duo wanted to be there for them. To hold him and sooth him and protect him.
Soon, Heero cried himself to sleep. Even then, every once in awhile, a tear or two would find its way down Heero's cheek. Duo, gently, picked Heero up and took him up to his bed. Once Heero had the covers pulled up, to keep him from getting cold, Duo got ready and went to bed himself.
In the middle of the night, Heero started a nightmare. Duo was down the hall, but something told him to wake up. He did and was about to go to sleep when he heard a strangled sob. First he reached for his gun, because it was a noise he didn't hear often in the house, then he noticed it had come from down the hall, in the direction of Heero's room. He remembered Heero telling him he had nightmares about his past.
He got up and hurried to Heero's room, not bothering to put something on over his boxers.
He found Heero, not in bed, but at the window seat. There was a huge window in Heero's room. It was larger than Heero or Duo combined, in both width and height and had a place under it just large enough for two people to sit. The window opened up to a balcony. Heero wasn't outside, he was just at the window. He had his forehead pressed against the window and was sniffling.
"Heero?" Duo asked, quietly. Heero only sniffled in response. His arms were crossed in front of his chest. Duo saw new tears spilling over Heero's cheeks. Duo immediately felt pain, because Heero was in pain. He rushed over to Heero, without running and without falling over anything, including his own feet.
"Come 'ere." Duo said, taking Heero in his arms again. Heero didn't object, he fell right into Duo's embrace. Heero wasn't crying, anymore, though, but he did need to be held. Heero was even shaking. "Shhh, it's okay. No one's ever going to hurt you again. I swear it." Duo said, burying his nose in Heero's hair.
"Someone will always be there to hurt me. You can't follow me around like I'm a child. What about separate missions, anyway. And another thing, what if one of the enemies gets ahold of me? I'll get hurt then. I've been hurt all my life...why should it stop now?" Heero asked. Once in awhile a new enemy did surface, but they always took care of it and, yes, there was always the possibility of capture or death or, at the very least, being wounded. And they did go on separate missions once in a great while.
"We could tell Sally and the others, that we'll only take missions if someone like Oz or Mary Maya resurfaced again or something like that. We can make sure that we never get separate missions." Duo suggested. He moved Heero so he could look at him, tear steaks were very apparent on Heero's face. Duo leaned over and kissed them away. Heero gasped and scooted back. "Shhh. I'm not going to hurt you and I'm not going to do anything you don't want me to do. I love you. I've been afraid to tell you since I met you when we were fifteen." Duo said.
"You shot me...twice." Heero said, in a wary voice.
"Oh...you still remember that, huh?" Duo asked, sheepishly. "Heero, I thought you were the bad guy. Regardless of my feelings, at the time, I had to do something to make sure an innocent wasn't hurt. I didn't know that the feelings I had when I saw you would stay and, to tell the truth, I wasn't sure what they were. After I found out we were on the same side and I was around you more often, the feelings grew. They still do, with every passing day. It seems that I just love you more and more. I love you, Heero. And that's all I want to do...love you. Be there for you when you need me. Hold you when you're scared or upset or just need to be held. I just want to be with you." Duo said. For the life of him, he couldn't express his love through words! And that's what he needed, if he didn't want to scare Heero. If he kissed him again, it could scare him. The boy had been raped repeatedly in his past and it probably wasn't so easy to just forget all of that. More than just that. He was literally tortured.
"I...I don't know if I remember how to love." Heero said, feeling ashamed for being able to forget something like that.
"Heero, I know that you can love, but you don't have to choose to love me, just because I love you. If you don't love me, I don't want you to say you do and pretend. I want you to be happy." Duo said, resting his hand on Heero's right cheek.
Those seemed to be the magic words, because Heero kissed Duo. The sweet and gentle kiss told Duo what Heero would say when he broke the kiss. "I love you, too." Heero whispered.
"Are you sure?" Duo asked.
"I didn't realize it, until last year. After that I was afraid to do anything about it." Heero said.
"Were you afraid I'd hurt you?" Duo asked. Heero nodded slowly, ashamed, yet again. "Were you afraid I'd hit you or r...rape you?" Duo asked. Heero nodded again. Duo embraced him again. "Heero, I'd never ever, EVER do anything like that to you. I shot you twice and maybe punched you, before, but each time there was this ache in my whole body. Even that time you asked me to hit you. I couldn't even bring myself to do it on your request after I finally realized that I loved you and the feelings would never go away. And I would never dream of raping you. Not even if they gave me a mission to do it." Duo said.
Duo held Heero for a long time until he decided to say something. "Think you can go back to sleep now?" Duo asked. Heero shook his head. "How long do you usually stay up after having these nightmares?" Duo asked.
"The rest of the night and day." Heero answered.
"Would you be able to sleep if I were there to hold you?" Duo asked.
Heero looked up at him. "You would do that?" Heero asked, seemingly in awe.
"Of course, I would. I would do anything for you." Duo whispered.
"I'd be able to sleep if you were there." Heero answered.
"Then I'll be here." Duo said, getting up and taking Heero with him. They went to Heero's bed and both lay down, Duo's arms wrapped around Heero, Heero's arms wrapped around Duo, Heero snuggled up close to Duo, burying his face in his chest.
"Duo?" Heero asked.
"Yeah?" Duo whispered, back, lovingly.
"Don't be too quick to judge." Heero said, referring to the argument that led to Heero's new personality. This was a step in the right direction of the real Heero Yuy, not the soldier Dr. J had wanted him to be.
"Never again." Duo whispered, kissing Heero's forehead, as sleep overcame Heero.