4-30-2001

Title: Zero Wing A.K.A. All your Gundam are belong to us… A.K.A. "What the F**k is a `zig'?!" (A.K.A. "Is this Sori Hime chick on crack or what?!" …just kidding).
Author: Sori Hime
Written: Started on April Fools Day, 2001
Pairings: 1x2, (3x4, 5xSally, Noin x Zechs, whatever…)
Category: Weird, bawdy humor, stupidity, yaoi, OOC, did I mention weird?
Warnings: Shonen ai and/or yaoi, and sex If you don't like that, it's no twist off my lemon. High weirdness factor, I wonder if they're adding crack to the dorm food.
Disclaimer: Much to my chagrin, Shin Kidousenki Gundam Wing does not belong to me, neither do those fabulous Wing boys, excuse me while I take a moment of silence. "…" So don't sue me all I have are my wits, and those are fading fast.
Notes: Ok, you might have heard of the `all your base are belong to us' craze that's been sweeping the Internet for a while. It all has to do with poorly translated Japanese video games (for more info go to www.planettribes.com/allyourbase). Basically what I've done is take the actual text from the beginning of the game Zero Wing (Zero Wing, Wing Zero, Zero System, oh yeah I was fated to write this fic.) and insert it into dialogue and text. I might change it a little, don't know how this mofo will turn out. (I wonder if its humanly possible for me NOT to write a page of intro, hmmm..). I've never seen a fic like this, so I'm sorry If someone else has written something similar.

Duo: Zero Wing! Ha! That shit cracks me up, "what happen?", "for great justice" Ha! Sounds like Wufei!

Sori Hime: Shut up Duo, you'll ruin the fic before it's started!

Heero: I don't like it. Zero Wing is MY Gundam.

SH: Uh, that's not exacltly what they're talking about Heero…

Heero: *glare* <Duo snickers wildly in background>

SH: Whoo boy, kay then, lets start the fic shall we. (aside to Duo) Just wait, I'll write a lemon to curl your hair Duo!

Duo: Gomen! Not the hair!

SH: Bwahahahahaha! Fic time!

 

Zero Wing A.K.A. All your Gundam are belong to us… A.K.A. "What the F**k is a `zig'?!" by Sori Hime

Part One

 

Alone in a room somewhere on L2, sat a boy who called himself Shinigami. It had been quite a while since he had seen his sometimes partner Heero, and almost as long since he had received mission orders. Shinigami was beginning to feel restless. He booted up the laptop he'd stolen, and searched for any news about Heero.

"Hey, `Zero Wing'! That's gotta be Heero…whoa, that's a lot of hits, I'd thought Heero was way more careful than this… wait a minute…" Shinigami read, and began to laugh, a deep evil laugh, a laugh that would send chills down the spines of mear mortals.

Just then, he heard a beeping. "Huh…a mission. Ahhh, I get to partner up with Heero et al., fun, fun." Then a devious and evil thought entered Shinigami's mind…"Oh yes, this is going to be fun."

***

"Where in the name of `zig' is Maxwell!" Wu fei demanded as he looked accusingly at Heero Yuy.

"How would I know, I'm not the his keeper." Heero retorted sneering back at the Chinese boy, who had begun to grip his saber more tightly than usual. "Besides, he got the same mission orders as we did, he should be here soon". Heero could only hope that that explanation would shut the anal retentive Shenlong pilot up. Heero had been up for forty-eight hours and the lack of sleep was starting to make the normally cool pilot a little edgy. The fact he was suffering from an enormous `zig' and hadn't seen Duo in over a month was making him so horny that the thought of Relena was starting to seem attractive. Heero shuddered and mumbled under his breath, "he better be here soon…"

"What was that Heero?" Quatre asked innocently.

"Nothing." Said Heero, his sharp tone slicing the air.

Quatre just winced slightly at the curtness of Heero's reply. Sometimes Heero could be just a tad self-involved, like the rest of us never got a `zig'? Quite frankly Quatre's nerves were starting to run a little thin as well. Trowa was standing right next to him and Quatre's `zig' was beginning to tell his virgin ass that it had a snowballs chance in hell of ever seeing the light of day. Quatre just sighed.

Unbeknownst to Quatre, he wasn't the only one having problems, in fact the entire base had a little `zig'. No, wait! Scratch that, a huge `zig' that was making everyone hornier than a pack of rabid hentai bunnies on the Discovery Channel. It had been a grueling several months, and most of the pilots had been working independently, it had been a long time since fate had put all their `zigs' in one place.

"Wu fei, why don't you let me have your `zig'…uh I mean knife" Sally Po asked, concerned for the safety of all involved.

"Sword, onna!"

"Whatever." (1) Sally laid the saber down behind one of the control panels, `he can have it back when the bug that crawled up his ass dies' she thought, her `zig' was annoyed. Just then Sally looked up to the door to see Noin and Relena sauntering in, Noin looked pissed, not just "Dame you! You blew up my mobile suit" pissed, but "Dame you! I've spent the day with Relena" pissed. `Uh oh' she thought. At the same time as the newcomers entered the bridge of the space station an earsplitting cry cracked the already precarious balance of tension in the air.

"HEEEERRRRROOOOOO"

"Fuck." Heero mumbled without looking up. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck….

"Oh how I've missed you He…humph…" said Relena as she began to launch herself at the spandex clad pilot, and was suddenly cut off by a tall razor banged young man. Trowa, had just about enough. Not bad enough that he hadn't seen Quatre in longer than he could remember, but all he could think about was dragging the unsuspecting Arab boy to the nearest broom closet to appease his `zig'. However that was not to be, since nobodies `zig' was going anywhere till one Duo Maxwell showed up so they could get this mission on the road. Just by the look on the faces of all present, he could tell that anyone could easily snap, and shoot Relena right between her beady little eyes. Relena glared at him while he physically dragged her back over to the vigilant-now-but-slipping-fast care of a really miffed looking Noin.

"Thanks" Noin said.

"The mission is to keep her alive for the next 72 hours." Replied Trowa.

"Yeah, but from who."

"Indeed." Interjected Quatre

Relena might have been offended if she had heard the conversation. However she had lapsed into a catatonic state upon seeing Heero, the love of her life, and was currently drooling all over Trowa's blue turtleneck.

"Uh! Relena-drool…get some disinfectant, get some iodine".(2)

Quatre, upon noticing the large drool spot on Trowa said…

"Hehe. Trowa, don't want you to catch a cold, we better get you out of those wet clothes…" the sexual innuendo was not lost on the stoic pilot (or anyone else for that matter), his `zig' just groaned.

Then all of a sudden…

"Ahhhhhhh! INJUSTICE!" screamed Wu fei.

`Hmmm' Thought Sally…

`Allah' thought Quatre…

`Where are my lions' thought Trowa…

`drool' thought Relena…

`Mother Fuc…" thought Noin

`Duo, you better not be wearing underwear when you show up' thought Heero, `my `zig' is killing me.'

***

Part Two

 

Silently orbiting the unsuspecting space station, a man sat in his stealth Mobil Suit. His `zig ` was telling him the time was drawing close, that any minute now, all hell would break loose, and who better to rule Pandemonium than Shinigami.

***

"Ahhhhhhh! INJUSTICE!" screamed Wu fei.

Unfortunately for Wu fei, further outburst was quelched when a heavy dead weight hit him and knocked him to the floor.

"Mmmmmmmm MMMMMMMMM!" muffled Wu fei.

"Wow…Uh, nice throw Ms. Noin" said Quatre to Noin, her hands still cocked in midair from tossing Relena across the room.

Wu fei meanwhile was trying to dislodge his body from underneath Relena's, still drooling figure. Sally momentary took pity on the Chinese Pilot and started to drag the pink monstrosity off of him.

"Dame you, Onna! INJUSTICE…" Wu fei started before Sally gave up and dropped Relena back on him.

"Wu fei, get a hold of yourself." Heero said

"Easy for you to say, Spandex Boy!" began Wu fei finally standing up and ignoring the glare Heero was giving him "I think my `zig' is going to explode!" Heero just rolled his eyes, "I mean," Wu fei continued "When the American Baka gets here, it'll be `zig' Happy Hour! And my `zig' will be all alone! INJUSTICE!"

"Oh for GOD'S sake…" mumbled Sally

"Someone mention my name?" (3) said Zechs walking onto the bridge.

"…." Said everyone, except Noin who dropped Relena back on the floor before jumping on the platinum blond man and ripping off his cloths with her teeth.

"Now why didn't MY `zig' think of that…" said Sally, eyeing Wu fei

"Eep!" said Wu fei as his eyes met Sally's "crazy onna…."

"Yeah, that IS a good idea…Come on `zig' Mission time! Time to boldly go where no man has gone before…" (4) said Quatre, winking over toward Trowa who simultaneously pulled a whip and chair out of god knows where.

"Back Quatre, BACK! We have to wait for Maxwell! Isn't that right Heero?!"

Heero meanwhile was momentarily occupied; something was orbiting the Station. Heero's `zig' had a bad feeling about this.

"But TROOOOOOWA! My `zig' can't take another moment without you!!" Trowa's nose started to spurt blood.

"What's a `zig'?" said the newly awakened and `ever ignored Relena.

Just then, The large view screen started blinking at rave pace; an eerily familiar laughing was heard…

"Oh, `zig'…." Said Heero…

Suddenly, something starting to appear on the screen…

 

"IN A.D. 2101 WAR WAS BEGINNING" Heero read out loud.

"What the Hell?" said Noin, taking a brake from ripping buttons off
of Zechs' clothes.

"Is it OZ?" offered Zechs, recovering his panting breath.

"No, Something FAR worse" Heero mumbled.

"What can POSSIBLY be worse than my `zig' exploding!" said Wu fei, who was being chased around the bridge by Sally.

"WHAT is a `ZIG'?" asked Relena innocently and still ignored.

Just then a large explosion rocked the space station.

"WHAT HAPPEN?" Quatre read off the screen while trying to get around Trowa's expert taming skills.

"What is THIS!" asked Relena, referring to the…uh… reveling piece of underwear she was holding.

"Ms. Relena!" Noin started before noticing that there were LOTS of revealing pieces of underwear now floating from the source of the explosion.

"SOMEBODY SET UP US THE BOMB" Quatre continued to read, "and…oh my, that's not all…"

There were now hundreds of naughty pieces of underwear, not to mention any other little naughty thing a hentai could think of, now floating on the bridge.

"O! I can use this," said Quatre, grabbing a leather whip from the air to combat Trowa with.

"WE GET SIGNAL" read Heero, who during the commotion had remained calm, except for grabbing the occasional naughty article from the air, his `zig' had a feeling he'd be putting them to good use soon.

"WHAT!" yelled Relena, reading off the screen, "is this thing!?" Relena was now holding a vibrating… uh… well, you know. Heero for one wasn't going to tell her.

"MAIN SCREEN TURN ON" read Heero.

"Oh `zig' please deliver me!" screamed Wu fei, Sally finally having gotten on top of him.

"What in GOD'S NAME is a `zig'!" asked Relena in an annoyed tone. Guess what? Everyone ignored her.

All of a sudden an image appeared on the main screen. The image caused everyone to stop stock-still. They all starred at the… uh… vision before them.

"IT'S YOU!!" read Heero, totally deadpan.

There, larger than life, sat a young man wearing a silver "phantom of the opera-esque" mask, and a purple cape lined with silver lamée, and uh… well… his birthday suit.

"HOW ARE YOU GENTELMEN!!" said the young man, an evil grin stealing across his boyish face.

The occupants of the bridge continued to stare dumbfounded. The only movement on the bridge was the floating of hundreds of thousands of pieces of naughty underwear, toys and other… uh… paraphernalia. The scantily clad intruder just continued to smile, flipping his waist long chestnut braid over his shoulder.

Upon seeing Shinigami, better known to all as Duo Maxwell, thus attired, Relena promptly passed out, and fell to the floor with a satisfying thud. Heero smiled and looked at Duo as his `zig' began to do jumping jacks.

"ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US" said Duo, "As well as all your naughty bits, hand over your `zigs'.

`Hmmm' Thought Sally…

`Nosebleed' thought Wu fei…

`Wonder where he got that cape' thought Quatre…

`Where are my lions' though Trowa…

`drool' thought Relena…

`Mother Fuc…" thought Noin…

`Wonder where he got that mask' thought Zechs…

`Thank god' thought Heero pulling the afore mentioned naughty articles from his spandex, `Duo, all your ass are belong to me'

***

 

Part Three, Conclusion

 

"ALL YOUR BASE ARE BELONG TO US" said Duo, "As well as all your naughty bits, hand over your `zigs'.

`Thank god' thought Heero pulling the afore mentioned naughty articles from his spandex, `Duo, all your ass are belong to me'

"YOU ARE ON THE WAY TO DESTRUCTION" continued Duo with a wink.

"WHAT YOU SAY!!" read Wu fei, "What are you doing this time baka! Look what you've done, I'm about to be deflowered by a crazy onna!"

"Mmmmm… that's right Wu-chan, I'll make sure you're `zig' isn't lonely anymore…" purred Sally.

"Will SOMEONE tell what a `zig' is!" said Relena, who was just waking again and rubbing her head standing up while standing up.

"YOU HAVE NO CHANCE TO SURVIVE MAKE YOUR TIME" said Duo, who was grinning wildly and still very naked.

"Maxwell! I have no idea what in `zig's' name your doing, but the get the hell down here before I have to tie up Quatre…" screamed Trowa, who was still being chased by a now leather clad blond Arab.

"HA HA HA HA…." Laughed Duo, "But that's the idea…"

"CAPTAIN!!" gasped Relena…who suddenly was wearing a leopard skin loin cloth and bikini top.

"TAKE OFF EVERY `ZIG'!!" read Heero.

Quatre began to giggle uncontrollably when he noticed that he was now in wearing a lion costume with…tights…'ouch' he thought, `these really chafe my `zig'." He then glanced over to Trowa who was now adorned in a long ringmaster's coat, a top hat and thigh high boots.

"Grrrrrr" said Quatre as he pounced on Trowa, the chair and whip flying out of his hands. "Hmmm, I suppose I'll just have to eat you alive now, huh Tro-chan…?" Trowa smirked.

"If you think you can…" Trowa started, and then using all this body weight flipped himself onto Quatre. ".. But I'll have to punish you later, beast…" Trowa chased Quatre off the bridge into a deep dark corner of the ship.

Meanwhile, Wu fei was now wearing a dragon costume and was thinking of a way to extricate himself from the premises when something sharp prick him in the butt.

"Ouch! Injustice!" screamed Wu fei, turning to see Sally dressed as an English knight, sword in hand.

"Well, Wu-chan, guess I'm going to have to slay you now, you naughty dragon you."

"I love it when you talk dirty Onna…" replied Wu fei ripping off Sally's armor to reveal a long flowing white robe… "But I'd rather devour a virgin" finished Wu fei who promptly ran off with Sally to find a suitable cave like setting.

Noin and Zechs watched them exit only to notice that they themselves were now dressed as Wench and Pirate respectively. Zechs turned to Noin with a gleam in an eye not hidden by a patch.

"Arg, me fine Wench, you can call me `One Eyed Jack'." Zechs said picking up Noin and slinging her over his shoulder and running off into the chaos.

"Ohhhh Captain Jack! Do I get to walk the plank?!" giggled Noin as they retreated.

"Is anyone EVER going to tell me what a `zig' is!?" yelled Relena, who was standing alone with Heero on the bridge listening to various groans and exclamations emanating from the all over the ship. Heero once again ignored Relena; he had more important business to attend to.

"YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DOING" remark Heero looking toward Duo. Duo gave a sly wink and suddenly dematerialized off screen and materialized in front of Heero who was now wearing white go-go boots and white leather angle wings.

"You bet your sweet `zig' Angel Boy." Answered Duo.

"What the FUCK is a `zig'!" screamed Relena. Then from a dark corner of the bridge came a long yodeling call. A platinum blond flash came out swinging and grabbed Relena, taking her along.

"I'll show you," snickered the woman who was clad only in a skimpy loincloth. "You Miss Relena, Me Dorothy"(5). The Jungle King and Queen disappeared on their vine and Heero turned once more to Duo, a questioning look on his face."

"Did you have fun?"

"Ha, you could say that, however…"

"Hmmm..?" grunted Heero

"MOVE `ZIG'," said Duo licking Heero from chin to ear.

"Hn… Mission accepted, as I said before, Duo, all your ass are belong to me."

Heero and Duo started to go at it like crazed hentai bunnies and Duo thought, `they're going to be a lot of happy `zigs' tonight'.

Unnoticed by the wildly humping pilots, the large screen started to beep and Dr J appeared.

Suddenly a very naked Wu fei popped up before the startled Doctor, Sally under his arm, `zig' blazed in all its glory, and he remarked…

"FOR GREAT JUSTICE"! and turned off the screen, leaving the still oblivious pilots to boink each other silly while somewhere else…

`Hmmm' Thought Sally…

`Finally, I have justice' thought Wu fei…

`Allah, oh Allah, YES, YES, YES!' thought Quatre…

`Finally found my lion' though Trowa…

`drool' thought Relena…

`I should have a vine installed over my bed' thought Dorothy…

`Oh sweet mystery of life at last I've found you!" (6) thought Noin…

`I still don't know where Duo got that mask' thought Zechs…

While on the bridge…

"Duo…" Heero panted.

"What? Ohhh that's nice, harder… oh grab that… ohhh…"

"Aren't you going to tell the reading audience the answer to the $$60 billion dollar question?" (7)

"Ohhhhh, that!" said Duo laughing…

" A 'zig'… is the stuff that dreams are made of…"(8)

 

END OF FIC… or is it? <DUM DUM DUM!>

1.Borrowed line from the Mel Brook classic, "Robin Hood: Men in Tights". It seemed so perfect.
2.Lucy from "Peanuts" says this in response to Snoopy drool, again it seemed perfect, and I'm starting to get a little loopy.
3. Uh, I dunno, to me it sounds like a joke Zechs would make.
4. Obvious Star Trek ref, really folks, I dunno why I bother telling you these things…
5. Think Tarzan…
6. My favorite line from "Young Frankenstein" another Mel Brooks classic.
7. Yeah! Trigun! This little ref dedicated to my friend Lizzie who bought me a pin of a chibi Heero wearing pjs.
8. Me misquoting Humprey Bogart, misquoting Shakespeare. I think it all works out in the end.

 

Sori Hime: Well?

Duo: Well?

SH: Yeah, Well?

Duo: <crickets chirp> Uh, I'm gonna go find Heero, that vine thing sounds fun…<leaves>.

SH: Hey! But what did you think of the fic… oh bother! <Turns to reading audience> Arigato Minna-san! Hope you enjoyed it!