Author: Sony_Mouse (for once 100% out of my own head) Sony_Mouse@hotmail.com
Warnings: Angsty, sap, shounen-ai, thoughts out of my head (so watch out).
Archived: Gundam Wing Addiction http://www.geocities.com/fenris_wolf0/
Disclaimer: Gw not mine
Note: quick note. This is a fic I wrote a few weeks ago while I was going though depression. (Coincidentally what Duo suffers in this story, so do I yeah real coincidence). It is not something that is really stimulated by external influences, but comes merely from a chemical imbalance in the brain it sucks. Either way I kinda wrote this more for me than for Gundam Wing. I used Duo to explain how I was feeling, cept Duo gets off in the end, I'm still stuck back in the school bit of his life in this fic. So if anyone ever wanted to know about what I am really like, then this is as close as you are going to get. Hope it is not too bad a read :)
I sucked at school. Sure you may be thinking that I was some genius, who got straight A marks, and maybe I could have, but I didn't and I never really tried to either. And therefore was even lucky to get a D.
I know this may have nothing to do with what I am about to tell you about myself. But I thought it was important to note. Everyone has an opinion about someone. And for reasons that are beyond me, everyone thought I was a perfect student. Well I wasn't, and that is not the only thing that wasn't true about me. But everything that could be said about my schoolwork could be said about my life. It's a good analogy.
Ok so I did TRY sometimes. Every now and then I would get the big guilt trip, or see how well other people would be doing, and want to be like them. But ..I would sit down at my desk, after I had removed all the junk and would try to do some work. But one thing would go wrong, maybe I didn't understand the question, or I had left my calculator at school, or I had forgot my pen downstairs. I would get all defensive close my books and move on to bigger and better things, like TV, books, the telephone, and yes .my downfall ..the internet.
This work ethic applied to everything I did, which by the way, is also the reason I found myself standing at the alter outside on a rainy Saturday morning. It was my attempt to TRY, to be like everyone else. I just forgot to do one thing get to know my bride to be. Come to think of it I forgot to get to know ANYONE that I was aquatinted with.
Oh don't give me that look, I had friends all right. It was just that they never knew ME. Hey it was my fault; I suffered from a chemical imbalance no I was not crazy, I just got depressed easily. Once upon a time, I depressed everyone around me, I didn't mean to, I would just tell them what I really thought and BAM! I lost so many friends that way.
Now this of course just put me further into depression. My bright idea was to pretend to be happy. Now for the first few years, I had lots of slip-ups. People would catch me being sad, and maybe I wanted them to for attention but eventually I had it licked. You could never tell that I was upset, except when I got REALLY upset I would start to be nervous. My hands couldn't stop moving, or my feet or something.
Ugh this is just so hard to explain, but I have to get this out for you to understand my actions. Anyways I woke up one day and had had it with not going to school and pretending to be happy, and being miserable, only amused temporarily by simple things like a good story, a new movie or a funny joke. It was no way to live, or at least that was what everyone was telling me.
So what did I do? I proposed to a girl. It seemed like the thing to do. Hey, every one else I knew was doing it! And they were so happy, so I thought maybe I would be too. So I got up the nerve and asked a girl that I barely knew to spend the rest of her life with me. And for reasons that baffle me, she agreed. Maybe we were more alike then I was willing to admit at the time, both attention starved.
Now this naturally all leads me up to the evening before my infamous wedding. I was sitting down by the altar, and had wedding jitters like you could not imagine. Or at least that was what every one else told me they were. They had me convinced all right. I was just sitting there for hours, telling myself OVER and OVER again that I WILL go through with this, enough of doing things half way. I will regret it if I don't do this, there is no one else for you, and this, yes this, is it. Its time to get married.
At one point in the evening, I had told myself this so many times that I screamed out into the empty sky in frustration. And before I knew it, there was one of my guests standing before me with a worried look on his face. I figured he must have stayed behind from the wedding practice, but what was he still doing here?
He was a young man, about my age, a friend of sorts, I guess you could say. But I didn't really know him that well, he was the date of one of my other so-called friends. He had soft messy brown hair, and deep blue eyes. By now I bet you can guess who I'm talking about. Is it starting to make sense yet? Well it will. I do whoever find it funny how I had never noticed his eyes before. They were really something else.
He looked down at me with this straightforward face and oddly colored eyes. Wanting answers to some unspoken question he had never uttered. So I gave it to him...in fact I told him EVERYTHING. Why I did what I did, why I had decided to marry, what I was thinking, and for the first time in ages, I admitted what I really felt like. What I really wanted to do in my life, and more importantly, who I didn't love my fiancée.
It came out so easy, I didn't feel guilty, or mad that he knew, oddly enough I felt relieved and the happiest I had in a long time. He then took my hands in his and gave me a shy look. He squeezed them softly and then lent over to plant a quick kiss on my cheek. "It'll be alright", he whispered in my ear. I am not joking, that's what he said. Like he knew what was going to happen. Maybe he had it all planned, I wouldn't be surprised. And guess what, right after saying that, the bastard just got up and ran off in the opposite direction. He ran away from me.
So the next day I showed up at my wedding on schedule. It was raining, and I wasn't a bit surprised. But I still insisted on having the wedding outside. And again for reasons I will never understand, everyone agreed. I was now soaked in my finest and waiting at the altar for the person who was supposed to be the other half of my soul.
And then in the middle of my life falling apart and the rain soaking though my new shoes, the best thing ever to happen in my life transpired. She never came. She had gotten cold feet and ran off. As soon as I had heard the news I burst out laughing. People started to get out of their seats to see if I was ok, you know, from the loss and all. I just pushed them away giggling. Looking around the muddy chair and wet guest, I spotted my new friend from yesterday. Without warning, I ran up to where he was sitting. I winked at him with a smile, and laughed some more as he blushed. I then grabbed his hand and pulled him up to my level, as the other guest exclaimed in surprise. He was now wearing this knowing grin, that told me he was aware of what I was thinking. And was only too happy to go along with anything I had planned.
So for the first time in my miserable chemically unbalanced life, I felt free, and I knew that I would always have him to thank for it. Laughing for the hundredth time that day, I pulled him even closer and returned the kiss from last night, but this time on the lips. It was wonderful, I kiss to seal the deal.
The entire congregation gasped, my so-called friends cried, and we, of course, laughed. At them, at what they had made me, and at what was going to be done about it!
We left the wedding a few minutes after that, and as far as I know, they never saw us again. Oh well, their loss, they're missing one hell of a time. And they would've liked this real me. I'm finally happy, what more could they want.
Sure, you may be thinking, I can't just forget about being clinically depressed, but when I get like that, I always have him to stand by me, and accept it, not try to hide it. It's better than a million psychiatrists feeding me lies, and trying to get me to take drugs.
So to end this long ridiculous life story, we lived happily ever after, as they say. And YOU, yes YOU my friend, I have asked to come here today just to deliver a message to all those that I once knew. The ones who say they miss me, but never knew me. The ones who tell me to be me, but hate what they see. Tell `em that there are no hard feelings, no regrets, and no ends, only beginnings. And most importantly, tell `em to try and understand. It's the least anyone can do.
I have been kinda writing weird fics lately, you can add this one to
the list. But in every joke there is a truth, and in every lie a reality.
That's my life in a nutshell :)
Sorry to get all philosophical on you, all of a sudden, like I said this fic is more to relieve my mind then it is to entertain.