9-13-2001

Title: Gundam Wars: A New Joke

Author: Jedi Master Sony_Mouse (I actually held this title in a Jedi group once on the net) Honorable mention goes to Jedi Apprentice Shinimegami (Resident Hentai) who helped me work on the idea) (Sony_Mouse@hotmail.com)

Pairings: 1+2, 3+4

Warnings: Humor, AU, fusion with Star Wars, mention of drugs…..just a bit

Disclaimer: GW not mine, SW not mine

Archived: All at www.gwaddiction.com

Author's Note: Well I actually wrote this A LOT time ago (in my head), about three months ago while I was crossing the Atlantic ocean with my sister. I never thought it would get written, but I guess we just all need some comedy right now. So here it is. This is also my first fic where I give Quatre just a touch more screen time than I normally do, he earned the part though, no one else could be Luke.

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Gundam Wars: Episode 28… A New Joke

 

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far way, there lived young boy with his uncle, aunt and 29 cousins, all girls, on a desert planet called Desertopia.

Now to the ordinary eye, this young boy, let's call him Quatre, was a normal every day 15-year-old brat.

But since I know this story better than you do, because I'm the narrator and you're not, I can tell you that this boy was no ordinary boy, he was in fact the heir to the great `force' dynasty that would later change his life forever. Well, after all these other events changed his life forever.

For now though, young Quatre had no idea of his great destiny and just complained all the time.

"Uncle, I wanna go to town to pick up some power converters."

"No Quatre, you're needed here."

"But whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?"

"Because… because you're to young to know why."

"But Uncle I was just there last week... "

His uncle wouldn't even let him finish the sentence as he dragged the poor deprived child off to a glorious dinner that his aunt had slaved over a hot oven all to make for him.

But this is not a story about that brave unnamed aunt; in fact as of now we shall never mention her again.

It was during this same dinner that Quatre finally decided to ask the question that had plagued his mind since his very birth. Well, maybe not that long, but for an awful long time.

"Uncle, what are those magazines under you bed?"

"I'm not going to tell you."

"Oh ok, in that case, what ever happened to my dad?" All 30 spoons were dropped in unison and many feminine gasps were heard around the table.

"Why… why do you want to know about `him' all of a sudden?"

"Well, there's just a time in ever boy's life where he want's to talk to his dad about the birds and the bees, you know how it is."

Quatre's uncle looked very worried for a few minutes before continuing. "I'm sorry to have tell you this Quatre, but you're father was… murdered."

"No!"

"Yes! He was killed by none other than…*Dramatic Pause* Darth Zechs."

 

Quatre was shocked to learn that the only father he had never known was dead as opposed to just missing all of his life. Throwing his spoon onto the table, he quickly ran off into the unknown desert, not even explaining why this would make him mad. Maybe it was the full mood, maybe it was the pull of destiny, or maybe, yes maybe, it was the fact that one of his cousins had kicked him.

His strict uncle yelled after him, but did not dare to leave the house for fear that the evil cousins would eat his dinner in his absence.

Did I mention that they were evil? Well what do you expect with 29 girls living in one house, that the guy would LOVE them????

 

While his uncle fought the 29 cousins, Quatre ran and ran until he realized that he was missing his favorite show on Television and decided to head back home, when he was suddenly attacked by wild Desertopian bunnies, vicious beasts with long ears and big teeth [1]

Quatre cried out in fear of the evil mammals. He tried to escape, but he knew he was done for it when the leader of the pack, Big Rex, showed up.

Was this the end of our hero?

I'm afraid not, because just then a mysterious man in a hooded metallic disco jacket showed up, he moaned and yelled, and soon enough all the bunnies ran away in fear.

The man called to Quatre, but he was too afraid to move, and the stranger had to pry him off of the ledge he was hiding on.

"I've scared away Big Rex and his gang for now, but Little Sue will soon figure out the truth. Come, we must go."

"Who are you?"

"Who am I? WHO AM I?? Why you little… I'm the scary hermit that lives out in the desert by himself for no reason and who does nothing suspicious that would get the authorities involved."

"Oh, you're Ol' Ben Kenobi."

"No you little ingrate, I'm Ol' Howard Kenobi, his long lost brother. Now come, I must teach you the ways of the `force' and tell you about your father."

"You knew my father?"

"Will you just hurry up, I can see Little Sue on the horizon."

The two desert dwellers scampered off until they reached Howard's private love shack. Once they were all settled in, Howard started to explain all about the `force' to the young blond boy.

Taking a puff of some mysterious substance that is in no way similar to what we might call marijuana; Howard's eyes took on a glazed look to them.

"The force... is all around us." *puff puff* "Can't you see it, can't you see the force???"[2]

Quatre tried to look around for anything that resembled this `force' but for some reason couldn't find it.

"I'm sorry master Howard, I can't seem to find the `force'."

"You're father was a master of the force."

"He was?"

"Oh yes, in fact, here's a picture of your father." The picture showed a tall man with long blond hair that was smoking even more of that mysterious substance that Howard was so fond of.

"And here is a picture of Darth Zechs, the man who killed your father. He was once my apprentice, but he has since turned into an evil agent of the dark side."

The second picture showed another tall man, with a similar build, long blond hair and wearing some weird mask. "My god, he stole my dad's hair style, the bastard!"

"He also stole his bong, so that's why we're going into space to find this man. But first I must give you this, it's a weapon of the force, a light beam, this one was you're fathers."

Quatre was so touched he didn't know what to say, so he said nothing at all and the next day both master and apprentice set off into the desert in search of a Cantina, the Gundam Wars Cantina.

 

It was there, in said Cantina that Quatre met up with even more mysterious men.

Gee, this story is just full of mysterious people, isn't it?

Anyways, back to the mysterious story. Howard had been talking to two pilots for some time before he called Quatre over.

"Quatre, I'd like you to meet this silent young man over here name Heero Yuy, and his even more silent co-pilot Wu-baka. Heero and Wu-baka the Wookie are going to be taking us out into space."

Quatre tried to listen to what ever Master Howard was saying, but he couldn't keep his eyes off the weird man who was dressed up in a large furry costume.

"Does it bite?"

Heero turned to address Quarter, answering in a deep voice. "No, but it still gets violent."

"No, I don't." Neither Heero nor Quatre took notice of Wu-baka's words, almost as if he hadn't spoken at all.

"Can it talk?"

"Hn, I've tried to train him to speak, but he just can't seem to grasp it."

"INJUSTICE!! I can so talk!" Wu-baka was about to knock some sense into Quatre when he felt a hand on his shoulder. Turning around, Wu-baka was met by Howard's glazed over eyes.

"Don't mind them, here have some pot... uh I mean, mysterious Kessel
spices."

Practically growling at Howard, Wu-baka stormed off to the ship, the
Millennium Wing to prep it for its flight.

Within an hour, all four travelers were nestled in the safety of the ship, flying out into the unknown, or known, depending if you had a map or not, depths of space.

Surprisingly enough, it was Heero who decided to start the conversation.

"So just who are you?"

Quatre practically jumped out of his chair in his haste to answer. "I'm Quatre Peacecraft, in search of the man who killed my father. I will do whatever it takes to seek revenge, and learn the power of the force while I'm on my quest."

"You don't actually believe in that do you?"

"Sure I do, the force is all around us, it is what gives us our power."

They both looked over at Howard, who was clearly too stoned to say anything else besides "A Jedi seeks not revenge, he only seeks one thing… `The Force'"

Wu-baka nodded softly to agree with the Master's words before Heero glared at him.

By the end of the three-day trip, the passengers had already gotten on Heero's nerves, and he was about ready to kick Quatre and Howard off of his ship. All they could talk about was the `force' and how it was everywhere. Enough was enough. If Heero weren't so well known for always being the calm stoic pilot that he was, they would've been long gone by now.

 

As they approached a huge vessel in the sky known as the Death Scythe, Heero decided to just kick both his passengers off and head for much more profitable grounds later on. There was no way he was going to get associated with the evil Oz government or anything that had to do with the emperor.

But by the time he gave Wu-baka the order to eject both passengers, a tractor beam had already attached to the Millennium Wing and was pulling them in.

Soon enough Howard came up with the bright idea to hide in the storage compartments that weren't there before, but had magically appeared when they needed them.

What a stroke of luck!

The moment the Oz soldiers boarded the ship, Wu-baka was sent out to beat them over the head with his mighty costume paws, and grab their uniforms for them to hide in.

It was decided that Master Howard would go and turn off the tractor beam, while Quatre, Heero and Wu-baka hid out in the control room.

They weren't there for long before Quatre overheard some soldiers talking in the corridor.

`Did you get a good look at that princess. Mn mm, just like I them, nice and feisty."

"Yup, the first moment I get, that princess will be my new bed buddy."

Quatre's insane sense of chivalry kicked in as he looked up at Heero with big puppy dog eyes.

"Heero, we have to save her, we can't just let her stay here to get used by those evil Oz soldiers."

Heero, however, was of the opinion that they should. It wasn't that he wanted her to get used, it was that he wanted to get out of there alive, and an unplanned rescue mission at the last minute wasn't exactly Quatre's brightest idea so far.

"No, we have to save ourselves first, then maybe we can come back later for her."

"You know, she's a princess, you could get a… REWARD!!!"

This got Heero's attention.

"A reward?"

"Yes, a big reward. Princess' are rich, especially ones important enough to be captured by the great Oz forces."

And with that Heero was leading the way to her rescue, he really wanted to fix up his ship, so more money really couldn't hurt his cause. Both men were running down the hall so fast that neither noticed Wu-baka trailing behind, shaking his furry head in disgust.

When they reached the prison it was just a simple matter of Heero glaring at the guards hard enough until the passed out from fear, or turned into stone. Then all they had to do was find the princess.

They searched each cell one by one, but it was Heero who found the princess first.

A loud scream was heard and then a thump as Heero hit the ground. Quatre rushed over to find the princess in a long white garb straddling Heero and about to knock him out with the some statue she'd somehow gotten a hold of.

"Princess, please calm down, we're here to rescue you." The princess turned to look at her `saviors' and Quatre couldn't help but stare at her long chestnut hair that was done up in weird rolls that hid both her ears.

The princess blinked in surprise and slowly looked down at the man she almost killed with her statuette.

Heero glared at her with all his force and growled out in anger. "Get off me now or I'LL kill you with that statuette."

All she could do was blush before standing up and handing Quatre the statue. "Sorry about that, I was trying to escape, I didn't know that there was someone coming to save me. I'm `Prince' Duo Maxwell. Pleased to meet you."

Heero stood up to brush the dust off his clothes before glaring once more at his new mortal enemy. "Well I'm not pleased to meet y… wait a minute, what do you mean `Prince"? I thought you were a girl."

"Listen scruffy , I am Prince Duo Maxwell of the great Maxwell House, I do not care who you thought I was, but if we don't get out of here soon, you won't get the pleasure of making my acquaintance, so can we please leave now."

Practically seething now, Heero was about to return the insult when Quatre elbowed him in the stomach.

"Alright, you're majesty, let's get out of here then." Heero started to lead way again but was stopped when Duo pushed him aside and started off in the other direction.

"Follow my lead peasant boy and I might just get us out of here alive."

No one moved until Wu-baka, who had finally realized what was going on, grinned from ear to ear and quickly ran after Prince Duo.

"I think I'm in love", was the last thing anyone heard from him as he rounded the corner!

Quatre nudged Heero, and the remaining two followed suit.

By the time all four young men reached the ship, they could see a great duel being played out by Master Howard and some tall masked man.

"That's Darth Zechs, oh no, we have to save Master Howard." But by then it was too late as Howard puffed his last puff and disappeared in a cloud of... the `force'.

Darth Zechs let out a loud evil laugh before realizing he had an audience and called his entire army to attack the four `innocent' bystanders.

Heero had to literally drag the screaming Quatre onto the ship, while Duo and Wu-baka took command of the ship's controls. As the Millennium Wing took off, a lone soulful cry was heard in the emptiness of space.

"Kahnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn!!!"

Ooops. Wrong movie.

"Zechssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!!!!!", Well, that and the sound of Prince Duo and Heero's non-stop bickering in the back of the Millennium Wing.

Come to think of it, none of this could really be heard because you can't hear anything in space.

OH well, cue the Star Wars music... NOW

 

The END… for now…

 

That's just the first movie (or my version of it). Either way, "Episode 41: Heero strikes back... at Duo" will be posted tomorrow.

[1] Yes, those are the infamous Monty Python bunnies, LONG LIVE MONTY PYTHON

[2] Shamelessly stolen from the joke documentary called "George Lucas in Love". Course I elaborated more than the 9-minute movie did.

 

So what did you think?? I kinda wrote that to cheer everyone up, but I've had it in my mind for awhile. I've actually written A LOT of fics in the last few weeks, I've just posted none of them for some reason. Oh well, they won't be posted now until things cool down a bit, only comedies from me for the next little while. I bet none of you though I could write humor, it was actually the first GW fics I ever wrote (anyone remember USS Wing?) So they'll be lots more of USS Wing coming up, and the last part of this.

Sony_mouse@hotmail.com