5-9-2002

Title: The Forsworn ~ Irresolute
Author: Sita Seraph
Genre: Angst
Pairing: Unknown
Rated: R
Warning: Suicide, angst, depression
Summary: None yet.

Note: *growls at herself* Ugh, I'm not happy with it but I can't seem to get it any better then this. Mind you, this is my first time doing Quatre's POV. Be easy on me. *holds up paper shields against papers and pens* Tell me if there were places I could improve this chapter…

 

Heero hadn't changed much. He wasn't taller, his hair hadn't changed, and he still wore those darn jeans and green top. But he had changed. There was a different air to him. He had changed inside. I noticed that he no longer had that perfect form, the form of a soldier. He seemed more self-conscious, more deeply aware of his surroundings. He would often fade out from this world and go to some other place. This new depth to Heero was something I had hoped for, ever since after the war. It meant that Heero was slowly gaining back the humanity that was punched out of him.

So, I wasn't surprised to see the shock on Heero's face when he saw that simple trick of hypnotism would awaken Duo enough to follow the watch swaying in front of his face. Whether Duo realized that he was actually responding to the outside world or not, we had finally found something that he connected to. We didn't know why the watch was the only thing he responded to, but it was a start. It could have been the numbers. Or the calming tick that sounded from the golden item. But whatever the reason, Duo seemed to like it a lot. I can't remember where I got it from either.

No, I wasn't surprised about astonishment from Heero. I was ready for all of that. But…But I wasn't prepared for the deep sadness, the unmistakable smell of regret in the air, that exuded from the perfect soldier when he first caught sight of Duo's empty eyes. I, for one, have gotten use to them. To me, it seemed only natural now. Maybe that drained face had been trying to break the mask for years and now, with a body like a corpse and mind in a coma, the mask could no longer operate and the vacant look succeeded in showing the true Duo to the world. I have to admit, I was deeply disturbed by my first sight of this new Duo. I felt so dirty, so sick with myself that I couldn't stay any more then a moment. But the next day, I went back. Duo wanted me to see him, the real him. But why was Heero in regret? Did he feel responsible? …I know I did.

It was odd that I never noticed. Of all the people, I should have taken a note. But maybe I had been too busy trying to break Trowa's mask that I could not notice a second facade that exceeded my lover's. Duo was a most excellent actor, for I never had a clue that a hollowed void was eating up my best friend bit by bit. That the person I had grown to know, respect, and love was nothing but a false reflection to the person who was dying inside. But through for all the pain I was feeling, I could not imagine Heero's. For it had been Duo that use to punch reality back into the pilot. For it had been Duo who took the blows when Heero made a mistake. I could not begin to understand what the perfect pilot felt for Duo. But it had been that single second, the one part of time, when I had seen a glimpse of a boy dying inside and who forced a similar mask that we all wore in times of pain, regret, and hate. A training ability that we were never able to shake off. I have to wonder though…that maybe, perhaps, Duo was able to see beyond Heero's mask after spending so much time around the reserved pilot…And then I wondered if Heero had ever been able too also.

Had Heero known…about Duo's illness?

I would have to ask him later.

I returned back to the present to watch Duo's eyes flick back and forth with the swinging watch. They were beginning to drop, beginning to fall closed. White eyelids shadowing and covering glazed violet globes that no longer shined, brightened, or spun with happiness. I no longer felt sick when I saw them. I no longer felt anything wrong with these pairs of eyes.

Because, like I said, I've grown use to it.

Suddenly the purple eyes disappeared behind pasty eyelids and I stopped the swaying of my watch to listen to Duo's deep, calm breathing. Satisfied that he was now fast asleep, I felt Heero's presence push against my side. I slowly looked up into the burning cobalt eyes.

"What are you doing?" He whispered, his voice blank and monotone like the war. But I knew he was curious. He had stopped fooling me a long time ago.

"It's the only thing he responds to so far," I answered just as quietly. "The doctors tried it on him. With this, we can hope that he'll answer more intimate questions."

"What do you mean?"

"Watch."

I turned back to Duo's seemingly sleeping form and leaned forward on my knees. My elbows dug into my skin, but I didn't mind much at the moment. Just think how much pain Duo went through when he slit his own wrist…

"Hello Duo," I said. "Its Quatre. Can you hear me?"

A moment passed but very slowly, a hint of a smile curved at Duo's dry and broken lips that had been inactive for a very long time now. The mouth must have been anxious to begin speaking at some point soon, for Duo was never able to stop talking for even a moment. Mask or not, I believed that Duo liked to speak, liked to voice his own opinions. He was a bold character, he had to be. I can't tell you exactly how I know this; it could have been his figure or the way he sat down, even in exhaustion. Maybe it was some sort of aura he had to make him look like a strong spirit, I don't know. But I couldn't imagine a person that went through so much and didn't tell anybody, to be weak and brittle like the doctor's supposed. They were wrong.

"Guess who else is here?" I asked, continuing our one-sided conversation. No answer, but I didn't really expect one. He needed simple questions to ask, just the basics, I knew.

"Heero and Trowa," I answered for him. I watched as Duo's finger twitched just slightly. A great improvement and I must have showed it for Heero moved closer until I felt his hip against my arm. I looked up with a smile upon my lips.

"What is it?" He asked, confused.

"His finger moved," I answered, feeling a tingle run through my limbs. It was happiness. "It's a great improvement. I think he wanted to wave."

I didn't know how I knew Duo so well, even if I knew a mask better then the real person. I suppose it could have been sitting here with him for so long, talking with him but receiving no answer that took me to a new level of companionship with him. Maybe he had reached into my head in this coma-like state and gave me the answer. Who knew? But I was pretty confident about my guesses. And I think Heero took the side to believe me also.

Turning back to immobile Duo, I smiled. "Trowa and Heero say hello too, Duo. Are you uncomfortable?"

No response at all. Perhaps he could not feel his body at all and didn't know the answer to it. Like his body fell asleep and he was just numb from the neck down. Maybe.

"All right," I continued. "We're going to ask a few more questions, okay? You don't have to answer. But, hey, you never answer anything you don't want to, do you?"

I paused for an effect but Duo remained unresponsive. He wasn't very happy today. Normally there would be that ghost of a smirk on his lips but he had the most neutral expression that mimicked Heero's.

"Do you miss us, Duo?" I asked softly, leaning harder on my knees as I drew myself closer. Immediately there was a deep, dark frown upon Duo's lips and I felt relief rush over me; he missed us. He really missed us. So we weren't the problem, thank God. I had a suspicion that he hated us, loathed us in fact, because we didn't notice his problem. But maybe he knew what a great actor he was and couldn't blame us for not even guessing. But he missed us and deeply, it seemed. I asked the next question.

"We miss you too, Duo. Don't you want to come home to us?" The frown stayed and for once, I was confused. This question could take two answers in one action. A frown for, most definitely not. Or a frown for, get me the hell out of here. Maybe…Maybe I could…

"Duo…" I addressed softly. "Do you want to come home?"

Still, no affirmative response and I glanced at Trowa from the corner of my eye. He came forward after a second's hesitation and crouched down.

"Do you, Duo?" Trowa asked, using the same quiet tone as I. I felt hope when I suddenly saw Duo's eyebrow twitch, trying to move. He was trying to answer us, he really was. It had to be yes, right? This was very important to me, you have no idea. It would mean there was hope, there was a most definite hope, that Duo wanted to come back and he was still trying to reach us. That now he had our attention; he was still trying to get help. Please, Duo, give me a definite answer.

"Duo, we need to know…" I pleaded softly. "Do you like where you are?"

The response was still the same and I sighed heavily, unsure of what to do. I couldn't assume he wanted help because what if he didn't? What if he actually did like what hole he made himself for? What if we ruined what peace he did have? I couldn't do that to him. We had caused him so much pain as it was. We had ignored him abusively; even when there had to be multiple times we could have noticed his breaking spirit. I felt that we might as well have slit his wrist…He was just saving himself from the agony of life, of terrible friends. That had to be the only reason for his attempt at suicide…

Something caught my eye and I looked over as Heero reached over. I was shocked, surprised even, that Heero would even want contact with this vegetable man before him now. I watched, mystified, as Heero gently touched Duo's lips.

"Do you want to come home?" He asked and I watched as his fingers slowly pulled down Duo's dry bottom lip. And I couldn't help the gasp that caught in my throat.

"Yes…" Duo's answer breathed past his lips and into the shocked air.

 

TBC...