Title: Hotel California
Author: Shinigami Rinoa
Archive: This and all my other ficcies are archived on my own site at http://www.angelfire.com/gundam/rinoa/library.html but cannot be found anywhere else... like Darkflame's site... or GW Addiction... hint hint...
Genre: HUMOR! and songfic
Pairings: 1+2, 3+4, hints of 1x2
Warnings: Alright minna-san, here is my attempt at a humorous songfic! Now mind you, this is a first for me, and the song it's set to. bleh. I absolutely hated it until I got the idea for this story. Um. It has author insertion, under the name of Shin-Rin, yaoi/shonen-ai of course, Relena-bashing, all the usual stuff you'd expect from me! ~_^ Plus some anti-2+5/5+2 comments, as well as a touch of anti-4+D. AND the introduction of a kawaii, SD-little creature spawned from my own mind. *^_^* Anyways, "Hotel California" is by the Eagles and neither it nor the Gundam Boys belong to me. Sad, really. Oh, and by the way, lines that are sung are in '...', actions/stage directions and such are in *...*, whereas spoken lines and everything else are just normal. Well, on with the show!


*A small car is seen from above, weaving down a twisted road. Heero is driving. Next to him sits Duo, and on the other side of him, Shin-Rin. In the back seat are the other three Gundam pilots, Wufei reluctantly sandwiched between the lovers, who are giving each other hungry looks. Shin-Rin has her window rolled down and is leaning on the sill, one hand hanging out into the breeze. She looks up and begins to sing.*

Shin-Rin: 'On a dark desert highway, cool wind in my hair.'

Duo: *smiles and wraps an arm around her in a sibling manner, gazing at the horizon* 'Warm smell of colitas rising up through the air.'

Quatre: *clasping his hands together, eyes wide with curiosity* 'Up ahead in the distance!'

Trowa: *following Quatre's gaze* 'I saw a shimmering light.'

Heero: I can't believe you're making us do this.

Shin-Rin: *fwaps him* Shut up! It's gonna be funny!

Duo: Just say your line, Hee-Chan!

Heero: *monotones* My head gre...

Wufei: Sing it, Yuy! We all have to or Rin here's gonna write het! *mumbles* Not that that really bothers me.

Heero: *eyes go wide, sings in a loud melodious voice* 'My head grew heavy, and my sight grew dim. I had to stop for the night.'

Wufei: *drolly* Oh look. A conveniently placed run-down hotel. Please, oh please, can we pull over? *rolls his eyes*

*Heero obliges. They pull up into the driveway. Duo immediately leaps out of the car, running for the entrance. He is halted by a terrifying sight.*

Duo: *pointing a trembling finger* 'There she stood in the doorway!' *turns to Shin-Rin* You didn't tell me Relena-sama was going to be here!

Shin-Rin: Relax; I hate her as much as you do.

Duo: *smirking and rubbing his hands together* Ooo, ulterior motives, how excellent.

Heero: *settles a death glare on the blonde baka* 'I heard the mission bell and I was thinking to myself, *pulls a gun out of spandex space* this could be Heaven *Shin-Rin snatches it away* or this could be Hell.' *shifts his icy look to Shin-Rin* What the hell did you do that for?!

Shin-Rin: She can't die now; it'll ruin the plot.

Heero: You better be right or.

Shin-Rin: *waves her hand flippantly* Omae o korosu, I know, I know, I got it. You won't be disappointed.

Relena: *smiling broadly* This way, please! Watch your step! *picks up a candlestick in an old-fashioned holder by the handle and whips out a book of matches*

Quatre: 'Then she lit up a candle and she showed me the way.'

*They journey through the doorway. The hotel is in ancient Victorian style, adorned with antique brass knockers on every door and other such decorations. Relena motions with two extended fingers (just like the stereotypical, ditzy airline stewardess) for them to follow her. They troop down a dark hallway lined with doors of various shapes and sizes.*

Trowa: *cocking his head thoughtfully to listen* 'There were voices down the corridor.'

*Strange figures begin to peer out of the doorways. Yellow eyes glow from the cracks in the walls.*

Duo: *highly disturbed, clutching to Heero* 'I thought I heard them say.'

Strangers: *calling from everywhere in the hall* 'Welcome to the Hotel California.'

Relena: *sweeps her arms out wide* 'Such a lovely place.'

*The owner of one set of eyes skitters out into the hallway. It is a small creature with spindly legs, demon-esque wings, and a plump furry body, somewhat like a cross between a bat and a tarantula. It jumps onto Shin-Rin's shoulder and looks up with chibi eyes.*

Creature: 'Such a lovely place.'

Shin-Rin: Aw, it's so cute! I think I'll name it Kinshou!

Duo: Kinshou?!

Heero: It means "little".

Kinshou: *coos with a voice like someone who just sucked helium*

Relena: *breaks the trance set on everyone by the kawaii little thing, grasps Heero's chin and leers at him intensely* 'Such a lovely face.'

Heero: *bats her hands away and sprints down the hall*

*An old man with sagging flesh leans out of one door*

Old Man: *shouting at Heero's fleeting form* 'Plenty of room at the Hotel California.'

Shin-Rin: *glancing about in awe* 'Any time of year.'

Relena: *nodding* 'Any time of year; you can find it here.'

Duo: *clears his throat* Do you think we can get to our room now?

Relena: *grinning evilly* Of course, Duo-kun. *strides down the hall*

*The party follows her down many maze-like passageways until they reach a dead-end. There, set into the wall, is a giant wooden door adorned with a multitude of jewels, each one a different color. Relena holds out a small key made from contortions of charred wire. Shin-Rin stares dazedly at the door as she accepts the key. Hesitantly, she slides it into the lock and opens the door. They venture into the room. The walls and ceiling are scarlet with celestial-themed decorations of silver and gold dotting the large expanse. The carpet is a dark goldenrod, very tall and soft, like uncut spring grass. The group scatters to explore their suite.*

Relena: And now, if you don't mind, I'll depart. There are. proceedings in the courtyard that I must attend. *slips away silently*

Quatre: Proceedings? What sort of proceedings would be going on here?

Trowa: I've heard of this place. It's famous for the séances held on its grounds. Theoretically, its location is prime for spiritual contact.

Wufei: Stupid superstitions.

Shin-Rin: If they believe in them, they'll carry them out, no matter how stupid they may seem.

Duo: Yeah. hey wait, where's Heero?!

Shin-Rin: He went running off down the hall, towards the door to the. oh no.

Quatre: *rushes to the window* That's the courtyard, alright. And that's most certainly Heero down there.

Duo: *jumping up* Well, what's going on?! Don't leave me guessing!

Quatre: They. they're. they're tying him up!

Duo: *shoves Quatre away and takes his place at the window* Oh no, that bitch Relena is in charge of this! *points wickedly at her* 'Her mind is Tiffany twisted.'

Trowa: *shrugs* 'She's got the Mercedes Benz.'

Duo: *observing all the followers in the courtyard* 'She's got a lot of pretty, pretty boys.'

Shin-Rin: *snorts indignantly* 'That she calls friends.'

Duo: 'How they dance in the courtyard!' *spins around and grabs Shin-Rin's and Quatre's hands* Come on, you guys, we gotta go stop this or something bad's gonna happen to my Hee-Chan!

Wufei: Your Hee-Chan? Since when is this?!

Duo: Uh. since now! Now let's go!

*They all dash out of the room, down to the courtyard. The scene fades out and from the running group and switches to the courtyard. Heero is bound and gagged lying on a stone tablet while various figures dance around him. Among them are Relena (duh!), Zechs, Noin, Treize, Une, Dorothy, Otto, Alex, and other nameless OZ soldiers.*

All the dancers: 'Sweet summer sweat.'

Zechs: *taking Noin's hand* 'Some dance to remember.'

Dorothy: *glaring at the lusty look Relena is giving Heero* 'Some dance to forget.'

*Shin-Rin, Duo, and Quatre burst in hand in hand, with Trowa right behind and Wufei lagging reluctantly.*

Shin-Rin: *beckons to Treize* 'So I called up the Captain.'

Duo: *goggling at the sight of his passion tied up* Oh God, I need a drink. 'Please bring me my wine.'

Shin-Rin: What's going on here? *turns to the audience* He said.

Treize: We're trying to conjure the spirit of someone who used to live here. But it's very difficult.

Shin-Rin: *turns back to Treize* Why is that? *back to the audience* 'He said.'

Treize: 'We haven't had that spirit here since 1969.'

Noin: *clutching to Zechs* 'And still those voices are calling from far away.'

Zechs: *explaining to the group of visitors* 'Wake you up in the middle of the night, just to hear them say.'

Otto & Alex: *in unison* 'Welcome to the Hotel California.'

Dorothy: *spacily* 'Such a lovely place.'

Quatre & Trowa: *clinging to each other, scared to disagree* 'Such a lovely place.'

Duo: *untying Heero* 'Such a lovely face.'

Heero: Hn. Arigatou, Duo.

Duo: *blushes* Of course, Hee-Chan, anything for... mmph!

Heero: *cuts him off with a passionate kiss*

Shin-Rin: *gesturing to the snogging couple with a flirtatious wink* 'They're livin' it up at the Hotel California.'

Quatre: *beaming at the couple* 'What a nice surprise.'

Trowa: *nodding and smiling at his koi* 'What a nice surprise.'

Relena: *fuming, grabs Duo by the braid and yanks him away* 'Bring your alibis!' *pulls him up to the door, slamming him against it. He doesn't struggle, for fear of hurting "the Queen of the World".* What are you trying to do by seducing Heero? He's miiiiiine!

Heero: Anou. Relena-sama?

Relena: *spins about happily* Yes, Hee-Chan?

Heero: *slaps her and pulls Duo into his arms* Even think about hurting my Duo again and omae o korosu. *stalks away, Duo in tow*

Relena: *watches as the guests depart for their chamber. Even her dancers are dispersing, Zechs and Noin heading to one room, Treize and Une to another, and. she blinked making sure she was seeing things right. Yep, that was Alex and Otto proceeding to depart in a similar fashion. They all trailed away until only Dorothy remained.* That Duo.

Dorothy: *grinning* What shall we do, Relena?

Relena: *snaps her fingers* Release the monster.

Dorothy: *bows her head* As you wish.

*Meanwhile, in the suite, Shin-Rin is sitting in a large armchair feeding small bits of candy to Kinshou. Next to her, on the couch, Quatre and Trowa are blatantly making out. Behind her, the bed is shaking suspiciously. All the way across the vast room, Wufei is practicing with his katana.*

Duo: *peeking his head out from under the covers, pleased. He sighs happily and begins scanning the room.* 'Mirrors on the ceiling.' Eep! *shrieks as he is pulled back under the covers and quickly shut up*

Quatre: *smiling at Trowa and gesturing to the table* 'Pink champagne on ice.'

*Everyone starts as the door swings open and Relena stands there, grinning maniacally.*

Shin-Rin: 'And she said.'

Relena: 'We are all just prisoners here of our own device.'

Wufei: Baka onna, what are you talking about?!

Relena: *snorts* 'And in the master's chambers they gathered for the feast.'

Shin-Rin: Oh no! You guys, I think we're trapped unless we do something about this!

Relena: Normally I wouldn't have kept you here like this, but I really had no choice. Not as long as Heero is so entranced by that whore!

Duo: *leaping up from bed* Take it... shimatta! *looks down and realizes he is naked. He grabs a pair of boxers strewn over a nearby lamp and pulls them on* Take it back!

Relena: Not for a milli.

Heero: *peeks out from under the covers and gives her a glare that could kill*

Relena: Yipes! *turns and flees from the room*

Duo: *points after her with fiery eyes* After the bitch!

Wufei: *swinging his katana* JUSTICE SHALL BE SERVED!!!

*Everyone runs out of the room and down the hall, Heero hopping along behind them, pulling on some shorts. They dash around corners and curves, until they find themselves in a dining room. In the center stands. CATOBLEPAS! If you've never played FF8, just picture a really big four-legged creature with red and black zebra-esque stripes, two curved yellow horns, and steam pouring from its nostrils. Not very pretty.*

Duo: *whipping out a spork (I know what you thought I was gonna say, hentais!), screaming* ATTACK!

Shin-Rin: *tucks Kinshou safely in her pocket and begins beating the creature*

*Quatre and Trowa join in, hesitant at first, but soon wailing full strength on Catoblepas. Wufei lets loose with his katana. The monster still stands, unfazed by their efforts.*

Relena: *leans in close to Heero, who stand stunned, and gestures to the group* 'They stab it with their steely knives, but they just can't kill the beast.'

Heero: Riii-nooooo-aaaaaaaa! Can I puh-lease have my gun back?!

Catoblepas: Why does everyone always beat on me?! It's an injustice!

Wufei: *starry eyed* What did you say?

Catoblepas: I said it's.

Wufei: I heard you, I heard you, I just couldn't believe it. *flings himself over Catoblepas' back* My pet, my new pet.

Catoblepas: Wow, you mean I'm actually loved? Cool, let's get out of this dump!

*The group starts for the door, only to be halted by Relena's voice.*

Relena: I would suggest you hurry.

Shin-Rin: *nervously turns back to face her* And why is that?

Relena: Oh, this mansion is haunted!

Duo: Yeah, we kinda figured out this place was a bit freaky!

Relena: Well, the door's. when they shut, they don't open again for a very. Long. Time.

Quatre: *worried* Ano, and when are the doors shutting next?

Relena: *flips a chunk of hair back over her shoulder and taps at her wrist* Any second now.

Trowa: *gasps sharply, his one visible widening. He grips Quatre's hand and yanks him away, Heero dragging Duo in a similar fashion, Shin-Rin carrying Kinshou, and Wufei riding Catoblepas* 'Last thing I remember, I was running for the door.'

Heero: *glancing around* 'I had to find the passage back to the place where I was before.'

*They run out into the main lobby, where the doors and windows are shut tight. Dorothy sits behind the front counter, reclining in her plush armchair.*

Dorothy: 'Relax.'

Duo: *sarcastically* 'Said the "night man".'

Dorothy: *ignoring his comment* 'We are programmed to receive. You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.'

*Everyone freezes in an awkward moment of shocked silence. It's broken by Quatre screaming. His yells are quickly reciprocated by Duo and Shin-Rin.*

Wufei: *waving from Catoblepas' back* Come on, guys! Hop on and let's try to get out of here!

Shin-Rin: *jumps on and pulls Kinshou out of her pocket* Hold tight, little guy!

Kinshou: Ha-ii! *nuzzles deep into the folds of her shirt*

Heero: Up you go! *hoists Duo onto Catoblepas then leaps up behind him, wrapping his arms around the American's waist protectively*

Quatre: I'm not sure if this is such a good idea.

Dorothy: *batting her eyelashes* Of course it isn't, koi! You should just stay here with me.

Quatre: Yeep! *dashes up onto the creature, dragging Trowa with him* By Allah, let's GO!!!

*They run around the mansion, followed closely by Relena, who is frantically waving around what look suspiciously like a pair of Duo's boxers.*

Relena: *stops abruptly, turning to look at the camera* Who knows, maybe they'll tempt Heero into coming back?! *resumes her frantic chase*

*After several minutes of Scooby Doo-ish running through doors and emerging from different ones, Wufei pulls Catoblepas to a halt.*

Wufei: It's no use, something is holding us and *gesturing to Treize, Une, Zechs, Noin, etc., who have mysteriously appeared next to them, presumably from Hammer space* all the rest of them from leaving here.

Duo: So basically, there's some mysterious unfinished business that we have to complete before we are released.

Heero: *glaring at Shin-Rin* How cliché.

Shin-Rin: Hush, or I'll write a *gasp and shudder* 2x5 fic!

Wufei: What the hell did I do to deserve that?!

Duo: *gulps* Oh, that's just not cool!

Heero: *pales visibly* I'll be good, I swear, this fic is marvelous!

Shin-Rin: *nods* Good, I'd hate to have to go that far. Well, what do you think we need to do?

Relena: *bursting into sight* HEEEE-EEEEE-ROOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!

Heero: *shuts his eyes in pain at her shrill cry* Rinny, please?

Shin-Rin: *sighs* I suppose its time. damn, I wanted it to be more creative!

Wufei: But this is the only just way.

Quatre: And it's gonna be hella fun to watch!

*They all turn and stare in shock at Quatre's OOC words.*

Trowa: *claps a hand over the blonde boy's mouth* Gomen nasai for his outburst, I'll have to *slight wink* punish him later.

Duo: Ooo, can I watch?!

Heero: Hn. Baka. Can I please.?

Shin-Rin: Of course, happy to oblige. *holds out his gun*

Relena: Hee-Chan, what are you doing?!

Heero: Fulfilling my promise. Sayonara, Relena. *fires a shot that takes her neatly between the eyes. She falls down dead. Everyone watches in astonishment as a door materializes before them and swings open.*

Duo: Oh how appropriate! Killing Relena was the key to our escape!

Heero: Once again, how. *halts at Shin-Rin's "Do-it-and-that-braided-baka-will-end-up-in-bed-with-Justice-boy-and-you'll-get-Rashid" glare* . clever.

Quatre: Yes, and wonderfully cliché too!

Shin-Rin: *growls* Come on guys, let's get out of here. *points to the Treize, Une, Zechs, Noin, etc. group* You guys too, no reason why you should stay here! We're all free now to.

Relena: *leaping up* Ha, you thought you could kill me that easily?! Never!!!

Duo: *whispers to Wufei* I think that's our cue to leave.

Wufei: Catoblepas, yah! *grips the creature's hair like reins on a horse and drives him into a gallop through the doorway. The others follow hastily, never looking back at the raving blonde.*

Relena: But Heero, you know you lo... *is halted by a large missile ramming itself into her mouth and exploding, promptly sending her head spiraling away in little fragments. Everyone turns to look at Duo.*

Duo: *trying to hide the jumbo bazooka behind his back unsuccessfully* Well, whoever did that, I think they should be rewarded.

Heero: *smiles slyly* I'll keep that in mind. *slowly begins advancing on Duo*

Shin-Rin: Oi, you two! This isn't a lemon! Save that for when we get home!


Shin-Rin: Incredibly sucky, but strangely therapeutic, ne? At least it was fun to write! C&C highly desired and rewarded with Pocky!

Duo: But you're not going to give up your Pocky that easily! I knowMMPH!

Shin-Rin: *clamping a hand over Duo's mouth* Shut up! *grins innocently at the audience* Don't mind the baka! Ja! *sweatdrops*