3-8-2001

Title: The Blame Game
Author: Shinigami Rinoa
Type: Parody, FF8 cameos
Pairings: You'll see... *~_^*
Warnings: Shonen-ai, shoujo-ai, two different endings, SEVERE Relena bashing, some language, perverted ideas, extreme silliness! Onward, fic-readers!

 

Announcer: Hello, and welcome to MTV’s “The Blame Game”! Today we have *pan in to a blonde girl strutting towards the stand* The Pouty Princess of Pursuit versus *zoom to a boy with unruly hair and cold cobalt eyes walking to his side of the stand, hands clenched tightly into fists* The Silent Soldier Who Wouldn’t Smooch! And now, Judge Chang!

Wufei: *banging his gavel* Alright, in this case of Relena Peacecraft versus Heero Yuy, you *points directly at the home-viewing audience* decide who’s to blame for their break-up!

Heero: There was no break-up.

Wufei: *startled* You mean you’re still together?!

Heero: Iie!

Mysterious Voice: Excuse me Judge Chang, but he means they never were together!

Wufei: Ah yes. Allow me to introduce the lawyers! For Heero’s side, we have the girl with that mysterious voice, Rinoa Heartilly!

Rinoa: *strolls over and wraps one arm around Heero’s waist* I’m gonna show that floozy up once and for all for what she really is and tell the world who Heero’s really in love with!

Wufei: Erm… ano… right. And on Relena’s side we have Dorothy Catalonia!

Dorothy: Impossible Rin-Chan, you can never beat my forked eyebrows.

Wufei: Okaaaay… let’s get started with the first round! Lawyers, you will each have 90 seconds to interrogate your client, revealing their side of the argument. Miss Heartilly, you may hit the buzzer whenever you are ready to begin.

Rinoa: *winks at Heero, pulls on her eyelid and sticks her tongue out at Relena and Dorothy, then firmly slaps the buzzer* Heero Yuy, how did you meet Relena?

Heero: She discovered my unconscious figure after I crash landed my Gundam, acted like the ditz she is (the crowd “ooh”s), and I swore I would kill her. The typical start of a relationship that’s worth a lifetime of loathing.

Rinoa: *nods smartly* So you never had any sort of feelings for her?

Heero: You mean besides instantaneous disgust and hatred?

Rinoa: *nods again, waving her hand for him to continue*

Heero: Nope, not even for a second.

Rinoa: *grins, pleased, and slaps the buzzer, switching the floor to Dorothy*

Dorothy: *jumps up, tucking the hentai doujinshi she was reading in the pocket of her uniform’s jacket* Um, Relena-sama, what is your opinion of Heero?

Relena: I think what the world needs now is total pacifism. I am strong, but I cannot achieve this goal alone. In order to reach total pacifism, I would need a sidekick to help me succeed in spreading total pacifism. Total pacifism is a lofty goal, but with Heero’s help, I think total pacifism would be possible. The world would be much better if total pacifism was spread and… Dorothy? *glares at the napping lawyer* Dorothy!!!

Wufei: Miss Catalonia! *raps his gavel on the stand repeatedly before smacking the top of her white-blonde head with it* Please, if you can’t stay awake through your client’s speeches of peace…

Relena: Total pacifism.

Wufei:… Total pacifism, how do you expect us to?!

Dorothy: I’m sorry Wu, can we start over?

Wufei: Nonsense! By calling me anything but Judge Chang, you have performed a severe injustice! You have disgraced both myself and Nataku. This cannot go unpunished! You forfeit this round and the points go to Miss Heartilly and Mr. Yuy. Justice is served!

Relena: *sweatdrops* Great… what comes now?

Rinoa: *smiling brightly at the camera* Round 2, but first, a word from our sponsors!

*Cheesy music blares loudly. Zoom in to see Duo playing hopscotch, his braid flying wildly. Quatre runs up, dragging Trowa behind him*

Quatre: Duo-Chan, you love hopscotch, ne?

Duo: *flashes a mug smile at the camera and flips a melodramatic thumbs-up* Sure do, Q-Chan!

Quatre: Then look at this! *holds out a small gray stone*

Duo: What the fuck is that?!

Trowa: It’s a rock.

Duo: I know that, but why is that so special?

Quatre: Well you see, if you throw it down on the hopscotch drawing, you have to skip the space it lands on. It makes the game harder!

Duo:… This is so screwed up.

Quatre: *sighs* You’re right; the toy industry is really getting desperate for ideas.

Trowa: Well, we did the commercial. Ninmu kanryou. *reaches out, covering the camera lens with his hand, causing the screen to go black*

Announcer: And now, more of “The Blame Game”! *zoom in on a girl in yellow overalls with a mini-skirt bottom, hand in hand with a boy in a long trench coat and a cowboy hat*

Selphie: I think Relena’s to blame because she gives blondes like my good friend Quisty a bad name, and she’s annoying, and obsess, and a stalker, and she and Heero were never even a couple at all!

Irvine: *taking the microphone, squinting to read something off screen* I think Heero’s to blame because… aw screw this, Relena’s a stupid bitch, she’s obviously the guilty one here, and that’s that! *turns to Selphie* There, we were on TV like you wanted. Can we make out now?

Selphie: *shrugs* ‘K! *pounces on Irvine, knocking him back into the seats behind them*

*Camera pans back to the main stage. Heero and Relena and seated at a table with files laying on it, their respective lawyers hovering behind them protectively. Zoom in to Wufei’s face*

Wufei: Alright, welcome back folks! Here we have some secrets about our two contestants. The one who can correctly reveal more secrets without reading the files wins, gets the points, and gets to have their special witness support them, *lowers his voice* convincing the audience even further that Relena is nothing but a stupid oban *back to normal volume* Well then, let’s get started!

Dorothy: Alright Heero, your first file is called “Secret Obsession”.

Heero: I have an unbridled passion for rocky road ice cream, especially eaten off of my lover.

Dorothy: *stunned* Correct.

Rinoa: *sticks her tongue out very Duo-like and sweeps a file into her hands* Alright Relena, yours is titled “Private Meeting”.

Relena: *blank stare* What the hell is that supposed to mean?!

Rinoa: Beep! Wrong answer! It says here that you had a secret tryst with Doctor J!

Dorothy: *stammers briefly, then reads another file title, trying to change the subject* “Heated Desires”.

Heero: I got caught performing oral sex to my beloved in a sauna by Zechs and Noin, who were heading there for basically the same reason.

Dorothy: *pounds one fist on the table* Objection!

Wufei: Calm down, onna! If he’s right, there’s nothing you can do! Miss Heartilly, proceed.

Rinoa: Relena, your file is stamped “Electronic Sensations”.

Relena: No way in hell! Gimme that! *lashes out blindly, trying to rip away the manila folder*

Rinoa: A vibrator for your birthday from your own brother! No wonder they call him “Zechs”!

Dorothy: It’s not like she actually uses it!

Heero: *smirks* Iie. That’s the next file.

Relena: I forfeit this round too, just make them stop!

Wufei: *shrugs* As you wish, princess. Heero’s witness, take it away!

*A screen flies open, revealing someone very cheerful, very familiar, and very loud*

Duo: That skank don’t what the fuck she talkin’ ‘bout!

Wufei: Stop talking like that Maxwell, you’re white.

Duo: *blushes sheepishly* ‘K… Anyways, she’s full of it. Heero never even so much as laid a finger on her, ‘cept to shove her away from him. They were never a couple, I can vouch for that! *winks at Heero, who grins ever so slightly and winks back* Well, I dunno what else to say! Hey, wuzzup, Rin-Chan! *slaps her a high-five*

Rinoa: Not much Shini! You?

Duo: Just waiting for this to be over so I can get me some more rocky road ice cream! *shoots a lusty look at everyone’s favorite “Perfect Soldier”*

Wufei: Kisama! *blood spurts out of his nose as he falls backwards in a dead faint*

Sally: *rushes out to catch her little dragon* Um, we’ll figure out a replacement judge, don’t worry! Now quick, go to a commercial!

Quatre: *walks onto a pitch-black screen, fidgeting nervously* I… uh… oh screw this, I’m sick of trying to come up with commercials for some stupid teenagers brainwashed by this pointless station!

Trowa: *places on hand on his shoulder* Now now, Little One, relax.

Quatre: *through clenched teeth* Qwik-E-Cheese, the only cheese quick enough for a pilot on the run like me. There, now can I leave? *storms off before Trowa can answer*

Trowa: *thoughtfully* Has he been in Wing-Zero again?

*Camera zooms in on a hooded figure wrapped in black robes sitting where Wufei was before.*

Rinoa: Um, everyone meet our new judge, Judge…

Judge: I shall remain nameless.

Dorothy: Okay then… can we just get on with this, Hilde’s waiting at my apartment for me?!

Judge: Now it’s time for the cross-examination round. Lawyers, switch. Ms. Leonhart…

Rinoa: Erm, Heartilly still. I’m not married.

Judge:… Rinoa, begin when you are ready.

Rinoa: *growls on the back of her throat at the judge, then slaps the button* Miss Relena Peacecraft, that is your name, correct?

Relena: *her eyes glaze over* Total pacifism.

Rinoa: I’ll take that as a yes. Were you and my client ever actually “an item”?

Relena: Fism. Paci-tal. To-oh!

Dorothy: My God, what have you done to her! She’s turned into a Pokemon!

Heero: *chuckles*

Dorothy: *glares* It was you, Yuy! You’ve done something to that beautiful girl!

*The audience gags in unison*

Rinoa: Beautiful? Oh, yuck!

Dorothy: Judge, I think this round should go to us! Obviously, Mr. Yuy has done something to sabotage our side!

Heero: *mumbles* It was just a little poison…

Judge: *shrugs* Sure, you can have this round. It’s kind of a mute point, but okay, if it’ll make you feel better, whatever!

Dorothy: *smiles smugly* Ha, so there, Baka-Chan! Hey, wait a second, what do you mean “mute point”?!

Judge: *hastily* Let’s move on to the final round! Both of our contestants will enter the karaoke chamber and proceed to sing one song that sums up their feelings and their side of the argument. Will Relena Peacecraft please go first?

Relena: *shaking off the Pokemon drug’s effects* Hai.

Heero: Oh, now she’s trying to be Japanese, if I had my gun… *continues muttering incoherently*

Relena: *demurely plucks up the mike and begins crooning* If I should stay I would only be in your way so I'll go, but I know I'll think of you every step of the way.

Heero: Oh God no…

Rinoa: Not this song, please, what have we done to deserve this?!

Relena: *melodramatically* And IIIIIIIIIII-EEE-IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII will always love yoooooooo-ooo-oo-ooooooooou, IIIIIII will always love yooooooooooooooooooooooooooou!

Bitter sweet memories, that is all I'm taking with me, so goodbye, please don't cry (Rinoa snorted.), we both know I'm not what you need (Heero groaned and shook his head. “It took her that long to figure that out?” Rinoa giggled.).

And IIIIIIII…

*The music cut off abruptly. Relena’s piercing voice screeched to a halt. She blushed briefly before parting the bead curtains at the edge of the chamber and slowly striding back to her seat.*

Dorothy: *patting Relena on the back* Very touching dear, we’ll win for sure.

Relena: *sighs* I hope my victory will make Heero come to his senses and admit his feelings for me…

Judge: Now Mr. Yuy, if you would kindly take your turn.

Heero: *nods* Ninmu ryoukai.

Rinoa: He’s gonna blow you all away! *winks at the camera* Or maybe it’s Duo who will blow Heero away…

Heero: *smirks* This song is dedicated to my homies out there. Rin-Chan, Q, Tro-Man, Wu, Squally-Boy, Irv, Dincht, Selph, Quisty, and of course, my main man Duo. Lez get this party going!
*jumping rap beats start playing*
Y’all act like you’ve never seen a Gundam pilot before,
Jaws all on the floor, like Sally when Wu burst in the door,
And started riding her @$$ more than before
They first got their scores,
Knocking over furniture,
It’s the return of the,
Aw wait, no wait, you’re kidding,
He didn’t just say what I think he did, did he?
And Doctor J said…
Nothing you idiots, Doctor J’s dead,
He’s locked in my basement!
Pacifist women love Heero Yuy,
Chigga chigga chigga,
“That Hee-Chan,
I’m sick of him,
Look at him,
Walking around grabbing his you-know-what,
Flipping the you-know-who.”
“Yeah, but he’s so cute though!”
Yeah, I probably got a couple a screws up in my head loose,
But no worse, than what’s going in Dorothy’s bedroom!
(Dorothy blushed horribly, sending Rinoa into a spastic fit of laughter)
Sometimes I wanna go home and just let loose,
But I can’t, ‘cuz Relena’s in my bedroom.
*Duo popped into the chamber, clasping his hands to his chest and singing in a shrill, Relena-ish voice*

Duo: I found you, what a trick!
Oh Hee-Chan, this is it!
You should admit your feelings and give me a little kiss!

Heero: And that message that I have to deal with everyday,
And they expect me not to be such bastard, but hey!
Of course I’m gonna feel like I’m a lab rat,
Trapped in a glass cage,
And Relena’s tapping the walls, ne?
I ain’t nothing but a teenager,
Well, and a “Soldier”,
Who likes to play with someone who’s not her.
But if we can make a pilot who’s just so damn fine *shot Duo a sly look*
Then there’s no reason that I shouldn’t try to make him mine!
And if he feels like I feel, it be a long night,
Rinny, wave your pantyhose,
Sing the chorus, and it goes
I’m that soldier,
Yes I’m the perfect soldier,
All you other wannabes,
Are just wishing you were like me,
So won’t the real soldier please stand up,
Please stand up,
*Duo grinned at Heero and promptly slid onto the floor. A brief rustling noise is heard.*
Please sta-ah-aaaah-AAAAAH! D-D-DUO!!! *He collapsed down onto the floor. All we can see is the occasional arm or leg flapping up onto the screen. Rinoa grimaced nervously, and turned to look at the Judge.*

Judge: *taps a little button, cutting off the music* Ahem… well, jury; now it’s time to cast your votes!

*Pan out to view the panel of 10 judges. Zoom in down the row on each one individually:*

Selphie: *grins briefly and taps one button multiple times. She keeps jamming it repeatedly until a gentle hand pulls her voting device away.*

Irvine: *sets down Selphie’s device and peers at his own. He shakes his head, stifling a giggle.* This is kinda an open-and-shut case, huh? *He hits one button firmly and leans back in his seat, wrapping on arm around Selphie.*

Quistis: *thinks* Hmm… that Peacecraft girl is rather annoying, but Heero seems so cold! Although I suppose they never really were together, but that’s not what I basing this decision on really. It’s more like who deserves a trip to Aruba and who should be publicly ridiculed. Ah well, I guess it’s just the lesser of two evils. *She presses one button gingerly and neatly lays the device down.*

Zell: *punches one button, holding it in with his fist* Booya! *He pulled back his hand and wrapped it around Quistis’* Okay, I’m done now.

Quatre: *waves happily at Rinoa before gently depressing one button briefly and releasing it. He leaned his head on Trowa’s shoulder, nuzzling the soft flesh of his neck*

Trowa: *shifted to push down the top of his turtleneck, giving Quatre better access. He sighed contented and simply pressed a button before tossing his and Quatre’s devices away.*

Noin: *thinks* Oh boy. Who do I choose, the sister of my hun or the one who truly should win? Um… ano… aw, screw it! *She slapped one button flippantly and threw down the device.*

Zechs: Noin, baby, daijobou?

Noin: *nods*

Zechs: *shrugs* Alright, whatever you say. *Taps one button, not even looking, and turns all his attention to Noin.*

Une: This is truly the perfect revenge! Mwahahahaha!

Treize: Relax honey.

Une: *pouts* Fine. *She intently smacks one button and glares at Treize.*

Treize: *smiles easily and quickly presses a button* There, I’m done. Let’s just wait for the results. *He takes Une’s hand smoothly and gently rubs it.*

Judge: Alright, we’ll tally the votes! When we return, the final verdict!

*Sap-ilicious music filters through the scene. Duo sits by a fire, looking distant and alone.*

Duo: *sigh* This is all so perfect… if only I had the “Perfect Soldier” here to share it with me…

Cheesy Commercial Man’s Voice: But you can!

Duo: *claps his hands. The music changes to an upbeat pop tune.* I can? How?!

CCMV: With the new inflatable “Perfect Soldier”! You just take the pump, blow him up, and hours of fun ensue!

Duo: *eyes go wide* Gimme that! *grabs the doll and runs off into the bedroom. The lock clicks shut.*

CCMV: Erm… okaaaay… The inflatable “Perfect Soldier” doll! Get yours today!

*Fade back in to “The Blame Game” set*

Rinoa: I think I’m gonna be sick.

Duo: *emerging from the Karaoke chamber with Heero’s shirt on* I think it’s cool!

Heero: *from inside the chamber* Duo! You took my shirt! Get back here NOW!!!

Duo: Eep! *runs back into the booth*

*A few minutes later, the two boys return to their normal seats and the Judge climbs back up into the stand. He taps an index card on the flat surface, waiting for quiet. The entire crowd falls silent.*

Judge: Would the clients please stand? *Both Heero and Relena walk down to stand before the audience.* The final verdict in the case of The Pouty Princess of Pursuit versus The Silent Soldier Who Wouldn’t Smooch is:

 

1st Ending:

 

Judge: With 90 % of the votes, Heero Yuy!

Rinoa: Hey wait, you mean someone actually voted for Relena?!

Zechs: Um… ano… I wasn’t looking at the device and I kind of hit the wrong button…

Duo: Oh, okay! That would explain it!

Dorothy: This is depressing… hey Relena, wanna go make out?

Relena: *shrugs* Sure, I have nothing and no one better to do! *The two girls exit.*

Rinoa: *walks up and nudges the Judge’s hood back. She kisses him lightly.* I wanna thank you for stepping in when Wufei fainted.

Judge/Squall: *smiles* Sure baby, anything for you!

Rinoa: *blushes*

Duo: Aw, idn’t dat sweet?!

Heero: *fwaps him* Baka.

Quatre: *walks up hand in hand with Trowa, the entire happily coupled jury and Wufei and Sally following* Come on Hee-Chan, let’s go get some ice cream to celebrate.

Heero: *smirks* Only if it’s Rocky Road.

 

~*Owari*~

OR 2nd Ending:

 

Judge: With 100 % of the votes, Heero Yuy!

Rinoa: Hooray, hooray, we won!

Duo: Of course! Heero, what do you wanna do to celebrate?

Heero: This. *pulls out a gun and shoots Relena right between the eyes*

Dorothy: Gak! What the hell did you do that for you- *falls down dead from a gunshot to the back of her head*

Irvine: *blows the smoke off of the barrel of his rifle* Just for good measure.

Judge: *pushes his hood off* Well, come on guys, let’s go party!

Duo: Whoa! You mean the Judge was…?

Rinoa: Yep. *snakes one arm about his waist* It was my Squally all along!

Squall: *shrugs* What can I say? Rinny came to me and asked me to do it, and she can be very persuasive…

Rinoa: *fwaps him*

Duo: *grins* Yeah, she’s just like me! *tosses an arm around her shoulders* Why do you think we’re such good friends?!

Heero: *pulls him away* Baka.

Selphie: Heeeeey, you guys! I know of this really cool club we could go to!

Zell: Yeah man! Lez DO IT!

Rinoa: *grins evilly* Alright, but we have to go get ice cream afterwards…

Duo and Rinoa: *wink at each other* Rocky Road.

Heero: *looks at Squall* What are we supposed to do with koibitos like these two?

Squall: *shrugs*

Duo: Play along! I swear it’ll be fun… *winks*

Heero: *death glares at the camera* Okay buddy, this is where the filming stops. *grabs the lens and the screen goes black*

 

~*Owari*~

 

Hope you liked it! Ja!