This is a songfic to “Hemorrhage” by Fuel. It has yaoi/shonen-ai and some hetero talked about, but that’s in the past and doesn’t happen during the story. Just give it a try, it’s VERY angsty and has got some bad language, but I hope you like it!

 

 

Cold. Dark. What is he still doing here? Why didn’t he leave? I assumed he’d go out and make a life of his own, not wallow in the past. But then, what have I been doing all these years? Ten years. I’m 26 now, all grown up and yet here I am again. Back at this run-down apartment building. I haven’t seen him for ten years. Jesus, I wonder if he’s been living here the whole time. In the same room, perhaps? That room where ten years ago, to this day, I made the biggest mistake of my life. He kissed me. But that wasn’t the problem. That was the one part that was right. But I screwed it all. I left.

Goddamnit, what is wrong with me?! I had it all. The war was over. We moved into a little apartment together, just him and me. Initially just as friends, of course, but the tension was so great. And he just moved so close. I can almost feel the brush of his hand against my cheek. God, forgive me for I have sinned. I’ve never believed in You, but he did, and that’s good enough to make it all real. We kissed that day, not of lust, but of love. Just two scarred boys finding completion in each other’s lips. Soft, tender… breath taking. I don’t want forgiveness for that. If loving him is a sin, then you can damn me to Hell for eternity. We never did anything more. I never gave him that chance. I was scared… oh so scared…

He initiated the kiss but oh how I returned it! We just stood motionless for what seemed like forever, no tongues, anything, just the sheer ecstasy of skin against skin. But I was waging war inside. I wasn’t supposed to have emotions, especially not for a male… Oh shit, don’t cry, don’t cry now, you haven’t cried for ten long years, not since the mistake itself. I remember it so clearly. My instincts took over and I… shoved him away. I struck him in the face, just hard enough to send him reeling, and I ran. It didn’t matter where I ended up. I knew my life was shattered as soon as I was out of the door. But I couldn’t help it, pleasure was just so… foreign. Still is. Yes, I did marry. I’ll never forgive myself for that either. All I succeeded in doing was making myself more miserable and crushing her. She knew. How could she not have? She told me to go find him. She said he’d still be here. And here I am. My wi… no, that doesn’t feel right. I’m not married anymore. I feel as though I never was. She promised me she’d move on. We had no children, and I’m sure she’ll have no problem finding another suitor. One who can love her like I never did.

I married her for one soul reason.

She reminded me of him.

Now it’s time to settle things. I don’t know if they can ever be fixed, but I’ll try my best.

And if he’s gone, I will be too. From this world.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Duo Maxwell jumped at the sudden knocking on his door. 'That rhythm… it sounds just like…' He chuckled grimly. 'Get a grip Maxwell. He hated you ten years ago, he sure as hell still hates you now, he would have no reason to…'

The door swung open abruptly. Duo nearly fainted. He recovered quickly, baring his teeth at the reminder of his past. “Get out of my apartment.”

~*Memories are just where you laid them*~

“Oh Duo.” Cobalt eyes scanned the room. It was the same apartment they’d shared all those years ago, the one where everything had been changed. Heero cringed in memory. Hopefully not permanently. Even the setup was identical. The furniture, the lamps, everything. Heero half expected to see his own laptop sitting haphazardly on the desk as it had before. No such luck. He moved with swift steps towards the braided boy. Duo backed away defensively. “Oh no Yuy. You fucked my life up once. I don’t need you making fresh nightmares.”

~*Drag the waters till the depths give up their dead*~

“Nightmares.” Heero moved forward again. 'Oh God, my poor angel, what have I done?' “You still have nightmares?”

Duo grabbed a tall lamp and swung it at him like a baseball bat. Heero ducked the blow and the lamp went spiraling off into a far corner of the room. Violet eyes gleamed with pure, untouched hatred. “Of course I have nightmares, you idiot! If I had them before from clouded childhood memories, what did you think your little outburst would do to me?!”

~*What did you expect to find?*~

Heero was rendered speechless. “Duo, I…”

“Fuck you.” Duo interrupted. “I don’t need your mock apologies. You only want to apologize so that you can look at me and say “Ninmu kanryou”. I’m not a goddamn mission, Heero. I’m a human being and some things can’t be reversed.”

“It really hurt you.”

~*Was it something you left behind?*~

“No shit.” Duo wiped at his eyes fiercely, trying in vain to destroy the tears before they could spill. Heero hung his head. “Duo, how can I ever get you back?”

Laughter trickled eerily up to his ears. Not the jovial guffaws of his remembrances, these were cold, harsh cackles, mocking and almost… insane. “Do you remember what you did that day, Heero Yuy?”

~*Don’t you remember anything I said when I said
Don’t fall away
And leave me to myself
Don’t fall away
And leave love bleeding in my hands
In my hands again
Leave love bleeding in my hands
In my hands*~

“Yes, sadly I do.” Duo chuckled again grimly. “Did you ever stop to listen to my words? My beggings? My pleadings?”

Heero’s heart sank. In his state of inner turmoil, he hadn’t heard a word issued from the amethyst-eyed angel. He looked up, his heart fluttering in tattered shreds within his ribcage. “Iie. I was too busy making the biggest mistake of my life.”

Duo’s eyes narrowed. He disregarded the latter comment and continued, “I asked you not to leave. I said that if I had offended you I’d never do it again. I begged, literally on my knees, for you to not throw away what we had. Beyond the love I felt, Heero. When I was younger, I lost my whole world. My heart ripped out, placed in my own hands, and I could do nothing but sit there and watch it die as they all left this world. I didn’t want it to happen again. But it did. You were my best friend, you were… everything. But you kept on running, leaving me physically injured and mentally dead. And now you want forgiveness? Go to Hell.”

“If I can’t fix this, I just might.”

~*Love lies bleeding*~

Duo fell silent. There was a gleam in those cobalt eyes that told him it wasn’t a lie. Heero was dead serious, and he knew it. “Oh God Heero, you can't be serious. Why would you? You have a wife to live for.”

The words stung Heero’s ears. “She’s not my wife anymore, and in my heart, she never was. She was a sad replacement for what I destroyed.”

Duo looked capable of murder. “You are a bastard, you know that? I loved you, I really did. She was the one I was supposed to go to for comfort after you screwed me over like you did. But could I? No, because she was too busy fucking you!”

“No she wasn’t.” Heero spoke with restrained force through clenched teeth. “We did not sleep together. Ever.”

“Yeah right.” Duo rolled his eyes. “Tell me another one.”

Heero slumped down into a chair. “I never slept with Hilde. Sure, we got married, but we were never… close. You know why I married her, Duo?”

~*Oh hold me now I feel contagious
Am I the only place that you’ve left to go?*~

Duo crossed his arms and peered at him, suspicious. “Why?”

“Because she reminded me of you.” Duo stood motionless. He was struck absolutely silent. Heero gently swallowed, trying desperately to wet his parched throat. “You guys were such good friends. When I saw her later, I immediately thought of you. I spent more and more time around her, just hoping and praying that we might run into each other. Days turned into weeks, weeks to months, months to years, marriage after spending that much time together was nearly inevitable. But every time we even bordered on intimate, it just felt wrong. Yesterday, she told me that it was enough. She gave me this old address and sent me off with her best wishes,” he paused briefly to take a breath, “And Duo? She says Hello.”

Duo smiled sadly, almost reminiscent. “You know what I’ve done for the past ten years?”

~*She cries her life is like
Some movie black and white
Dead actors faking lines*~

My life has been unlike anything that bastard could ever comprehend. It's been… bad. Get dressed. Walk outside to the park. And sit and wait. Maybe hold my breath for a while, see how long I can go before the comforting black spots dance in front of my eyes. But they never come close enough. They never touch me like I wish they would; envelop me in their comforting nothingness. He doesn’t know how many times I’ve traced the edge of my pocketknife along the blue squiggles that lurk beneath my skin. I’d love to slice through, be the God of Death once more… but I can’t. I know he’d just remember me as a baka. And being who I am, a former Gundam pilot, a murderer, I’d end up in Hell. With my luck, it’d be nothing but images of his wedding. His tender kiss wasted on Hilde’s innocent lips. God, we could have been perfect for each other. But I’m too afraid to try again and too afraid to end it all. So here I am, floating in limbo, not quite human, not quite ghost. Not dead, unfortunately; but not anywhere near alive.

No, Duo, no. Don’t feel that way… Oh God oh God oh God, I just… can’t… stay… alive… without…

~*Over and over and over again she cries*~

Heero waited for Duo to explain just what he had been doing for all those years. The only response that came was a choked sob and the sight of a limp body falling aimlessly, bound for the floor. He leapt forward, sliding down onto his knees and catching Duo’s weak form in his arms. He stroked the chestnut hair lovingly, cooing gently, “It’s okay now, Duo, it’s okay. I’m here, it’ll all be okay…”

Duo cursed himself under his breath, “Damnit, Maxwell, you did it again. You gave in. It’s all gonna end just like before, and you’ll be crushed again, beyond repair, beyond living…”

Heero was startled by the barely audible comments flying from his beloved’s mouth. He clutched Duo tightly, tears stinging at his own eyes. 'I have to fix this; I can’t let him go on like this…' He stifled his fears, pulled Duo’s chin up so that their eyes met, and gently kissed him.

~*Don’t fall away
And leave me to myself
Don’t fall away
And leave love bleeding in my hands*~

Duo broke out of the tender embrace, eyes fiery with indignation, resentment, confusion, and above all, fear. His mind gave up on all rational thought and he did the one thing his animal instincts urged him to do when faced with such a feeling of threat.

~*In my hands again*~

He punched him.

~*And leave love bleeding in my hands
In my hands*~

The blow took Heero squarely across the jaw, sending him flailing onto the floor. Duo wriggled away from him and began running. Oh shit. The Japanese boy’s eyes widened. He scrambled to his feet, chasing the fleeting form. “Duo, no!”

~*Love lies bleeding*~

He rounded the corner into the kitchen sharply and plowed into the other boy. They both fell in a tangled heap, the knife skittering from Duo’s hand across the linoleum floor. He tried desperately to crawl after it, like a man in a desert trying to reach that always-unattainable water, but Heero grabbed him around the ribcage, pinning him down hard. Violet eyes welled with angry tears. “Goddamnit, Heero, why can’t you just let me die?!”

The words cut into his heart like thousands of tiny knives. “Because I… I…”

Duo smirked. “You couldn’t say it then, you can’t say it now.

~*And I wanted*~

I always dreamed I’d hear those words coming from your lips, filling the empty place in me. Hell, I even kissed you! But what happened?

~*You turned away*~

You left.

~*You don’t remember*~

Maybe you don’t know what you did that day,

~*But I do*~

but I do.

~*You never even tried*~

You killed me. Not just my libido or wherever those feelings are kept, but my whole heart died. Nothing. You couldn’t even let me keep your friendship, or the little perfect vision I had of it, at least. You… you…”

Wracking sobs suddenly shook his lithe frame. Heero gently stroked the curve of his cheek. His mouth opened once, closed awkwardly, then opened again. “I don’t know what happened to you, Duo, or what filled your years. But I want to. I want to forget the façade I lived for so long and submit to the truth.”

“And just what is your idea of the truth, Yuy?”

~*Don’t fall away*~

Heero sighed. “If you get hurt again, you’ll kill yourself. That I know. But if I can’t have you now,

~*And leave me to myself*~

I will do the same. Without a shadow of a doubt.”

Duo’s eyes looked up, shocked. “So… what… ano… what…?”

“We can help each other,” Heero whispered harshly, whimpers threatening to escape from his throat, “We have to. Separate, we’re dead. Together, we’re perfect.”

“No, we’re not.” Duo shook his head fiercely. “You’ve always been perfect. Too perfect. And it’s that perfection that caused you to walk away in the first place.”

~*Don’t fall away
And leave love bleeding in my hands*~

“This is different.” Heero cupped the American boy’s face in his hands. “I was never perfect. I was what society thinks is perfect.”

~*In my hands again*~

Amethyst eyes glittered with hope.

~*And leave love bleeding in my hands*~

“So then, what really is perfection?”

~*In my hands again*~

Heero smiled, the first time he had ever truly smiled in his life. Not a smirk, not a crazy laughing grin, just a simple expression of pure happiness. He pulled Duo’s face close, until their noses brushed against one another.

~*And leave love bleeding in my hands*~

“This.” He leaned forward, claiming Duo’s lips with his own. Duo submitted to fate and the kiss, his body pressing against Heero, their souls intertwining, never to be separated again.

~*In my hands again*~

 

*~*~*Owari*~*~*

 

Well, that's it! C&C craved and appreciated! Happy New Year! The year 2x1 (2001 = 2-0-0-1 = 2x1!) should prove to be fun! Ja!