Disclaimer: Unfortunately for me, I don't own Gundam Wing. If I did,
I most likely would not be flat broke the way that I am right now. Likewise,
I don't own the song. That would be Bette Midler's "Wind Beneath My
Wings". Thank you ^_^
Warnings: Shounen-ai (1+2, to be exact), sadness, an extremely depressed Duo (and, as I love to torment characters, you can guess what that leads to)...but an ending that ends up sorta happy...
Second Trial: Depression
by: Serene Angel
Life is harsh.
I really hope that you know that. Sometimes it's worse than others, I'll grant you that much, but no matter what, it's harsh. No questions, no if's, and's, or but's about it.
But if life is harsh, then I don't know quite how to explain mine. Unless maybe...
I've lost everything. I'm twenty-three years old, and I've laready lost everything in my life. Family, friends...all of my loved ones. Especially...especially my Heero.
I lost him more than once. First was after he self-destructed Win, and then after the Mariemaia thing. After that was when he brokeup with me, and then...
Forgive me, but just thinking about it chokes me up. I loved him, even if I did try to convince myself otherwise after he left me. Oh, who am I trying to fool here? I still love him, and I probably always will. I guess that's the thing about love...if it's real, it doesn't fade...ever.
When I saw that newscast about how he had died, I refused to believe it for the longest time. I think I really only started believing it about a month ago, and today is the one-year anniversary of his death.
Yeah, life is worse than just harsh for me. See, for me, life's a bitch, just waiting to slap me right across the face whenever I get too comfortable or too happy.
Every now and then, I feel like he's still here, wrapping me in a loving embrace, giving me a soft kiss. I can still hear his voice, the first thing about him that I fell in love with. Oh, if I could just hear that voice forever...
I see him a lot, if you must know, but he's different. He has these beautiful white wings and this soft glow to him. My Heero has become an angel.
He always tells me that I'm not at fault for his death, but I know that's a lie. I mean, he died on his way to see me.
I miss him so much. Kami-sama, I miss him.
He rubbed off on me, I hope you know that. I'm not the way that I used to bem no as sarcastic, not as pushy. I still remember the first real "conversation" I ever had with him. He didn't really say much, or at least he didn't say as much as I did, but even that started to change me. I'm not the same guy I was, and I have put my time being known as Shinigami to rest, but my loss of Heero proved that it's not over. Shihigami still follows me.
He made me lose my angel.
It must have been cold there in my shadow,
To never have sunlight on your face.
You were content to let me shine, that's your way.
You always walked a step behind.
You can call me whatever you want. Hell, I've probably been called just about anything you can think of. Loser, moron, idiot, weakling, baka, onna. Heh...yeah, I don't know how Wufei pulled that one off, beyond my hair, but he did. It was his way of attempting to get me to come to terms with reality whilst I was in denial of Heero's death.
They all tried, God bless them, they did. Trowa let me know that he was there to listen if I ever needed to just talk about it, and Quatre tried his hardest to get me to open up and start talking about it. Wufei's attempts ranged from flinging some insults at me about how I refused to accept the whole thing to dropping constant reminders of my angel. They didn't help me only because I didn't let them help me.
Relena was another story. She knew me better than I thought, I suppose. Sometimes I find myself wondering how the two of us ever became friends, but I suppose it is a good thing that we did. If it weren't for her, I would still be denying Heero's death now. The night after he died, she was here at my place, and all that she did was hold me. I was too much in shock from the newscast that I didn't even realy notice what was happening, but it was little things like that hug that helped me out. Then there was the night that she brought over the cartons of ice cream...
You have to understand, that night wasn't exactly the best of her life, either. You see, her fiance had just called off their wedding, refusing to ever see her again, because she was spending too much of her time trying to comfort me. Personally, I have a feeling that he was jealous, and, if I'm right about that, then he definitely misplaced that jealousy. There is nothing between Relena and myself beyond a platonic relationship and there never will be, for two reasons. One, my interests just don't swing that way, and two, I feel that Heero is the other half of my soul, and I will not settle for anything less. I'm wandering, though.
Anyway, she came over with some cartons of ice cream...there must have been four or five. Between the two of us, we finished all of them, and these aren't those ones that you can get maybe two sundaes out of. These were the ones that you can get like ten sundaes out of. It was not good business. But, then, depression does that to you, I suppose. We spent that night eating the ice cream, watching sappy movies, and just talking. That was about a month ago. That was the night when I finally accepted the fact that Heero was gone for good, no matter how much it hurt me to realize it. I honestly cannot find any way to thank her. I don't know what would have happened to me if I didn't accept the truth when I did.
Actually, I think I do know what would have happened. I wouldn't have come to the rash decision that I did. Of course, there are times that a decision will not be stopped, no matter what, so I probably would have come to this decision either way.
So I was the one with all the glory,
While you were the one with all the strain.
A beautiful face without a name for so long.
A beautiful smile to hide the pain.
I'm afraid of what I did to him, honestly. I changed him without even meaning to. Oh, granted, it was always a good thing t osee him smile. When I finally did get him to smile, it really was the most beautiful thing that I had ever seen. But, then, what was I expecting. After all, he is beautiful.
It hurts me when I remember that he never really had a name of his own, or, at least, none that he ever knew of. It sort of makes me wonder just what his name really is, if his parents had picked something that fits the person that he has become.
Heh, listen to me! I sound like some psychology major or something ridiculous like that! Who am I to wonder about people's names, anyway? I gave myself my name. I probably had one from my parents, but I don't even remember them, let alone any name that they gave me. Oh well, I suppose that happens sometimes. It's what comes from being poor in L2.
But, back to Heero...my Heero. I love him, everything about him. His dark hair that forever looks like he just got out of bed. His little pout that he's always sporting. He way that he could make everything look good. His prussian blue eyes that could tell you everything about him...
I'll have you know that it is true that the eyes are the window to the soul. That was how I really got to know Heero, by staring into his eyes...something, by the way, that I would not mind doing for all eternity. Yeah, I love him more than anything in this universe.
He was in so much pain. That was what I found out when I looked into his eyes. I honestly had thought that it was not possible for one human being to feel so much pain, but I was wrong. And it hurt me, as well. It reached out and grabbed my heart, making sure that I would never be able to forget what I had seen in those beautiful eyes.
He never did tell me why he was in so much pain.
Did you ever know that you're my hero,
And everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
For you are the wind beneath my wings.
Well, if you must know, there is some irony to him. My Heero was my hero.
Silly, I know, but it's true. He was my hero in every way, and now I can
never write the word without adding that extra "e". It just belongs
I became someone new because of him. He lifted me up higher than I imagined that I could ever go, and he kept me there. More than that, he kept me safe. No one has ever done that for me before. It felt so...
I guess that was what it feels like to be loved...so wholely and utterly loved. He was willing to give up everything for me, just so see me happy, and I would have just as fast given up everything for him. Pathetic, isn't it?
Heh...here I am, depressing myself again.
Damn, I miss him.
It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
But I've got it all here in my heart.
I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.
I would be nothing without you.
My love for him made me into a real person. Yeah, I was living and breathing,
and I was born a human being, but it was true love that made me into a person
for real. The love that the two of us shared.
But, of course, the bitch that is my life had to come and give me a reality slap, and then sock me one right to the stomach while she was at it. I was enjoying myself too much, I was too happy with my Heero.
And so he broke up with me.
Yeah, I was a mess after that. I refused to even leave home for over a month, and I stopped eating. I figured that, if I didn't have Heero, then I really didn't have any reason to go on. It wasn't until Relena and Quatre both came over and talked some sense into me that I started to take care of myself again. funny how it took that to open my eyes to what I was doing to myself.
My life was going pretty well, actually. I was sort of stable again, even though I looked like a shipwreck and my place looked even worse. And then I had to get that phone call of Heero saying that he was coming over. Yeah, my hopes went soaring again. Hell, he's everything that there is about me. Why wouldn't my hopes go soaring at the thought of him?
But he never showed up. By some blind luck, I turned on the news just as they were saying the headline story of how the love of my life, the other half of my soul, had died. The bitch had come back to sit me back down and get rid of all of my hopes. This time she decided to kick me right where it hurts and take my heart with her while she was at it.
Did you ever know that you're my hero?
You're everything I wish I could be.
I could fly higher than an eagle,
For you are the wind beneath my wings.
If it really any surprise that I didn't believe that he was gone? I mean,
really? He was indestructible! For crying out loud, he self-destructed his
gundam and lived! No one should be able to live through that, and yet he
Speaking of self-destructing, I do have this sneaking suspicion that he is the reason that mine never worked. I have this weird feeling inside of me that he made sure that it wouldn't work. He was like that. Of course, that could just be my over-active imagination.
My Heero had died...my angel was gone. So I did what comes naturally to a human being. I denied it. I refused to let myself believe that Heero was really and truly gone. And it worked for a while. It worked for about eleven months, actually, and, if it hadn't been for Relena's kindness towards me, I probably would still be denying it. If anyone ever tells you that ice cream doesn't work wonders, then they are lying to you.
Did I ever tell you you're my hero?
You're everything, everything I wish I could be.
Oh, and I, I could fly higher than an eagle,
For you are the wind beneath my wings,
'Cause you are the wind beneath my wings.
It's almost that exact moment that he died. Yes, I did end up finding that out. What do you take me for? I love the guy, for Christ's sake! Of course I'd find out the exact moment of his death!
Just a few more minutes now. Hey, you might say that I'm crazy, and I guess that maybe you would be right. After all, what sane person spends an entire night planning out the exact night of his death, knowing exactly when to go through with everything to die at an exact moment?
I bet you anything that you can't name one for me.
Looking at the clock, a small smile finds its way onto my lips. Heero...my Heero, I will be with you soon enough. Please be waiting for me, Heero. Please...
Carefully, I bring the knife to my wrist and cut, then repeat the same action on my right wrist. Yes, Heero...I will be with you soon.
"Soon, Heero....soon..." Was that really me? I sound so small...so lost...so...broken.
Oh, the wind beneath my wings.
You, you, you, you are the wind beneath my wings.
Fly, fly, fly away. You let me fly so high.
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.
Oh, you, you, you, the wind beneath my wings.
I'm watching the clock, feeling the blood rush out of my wrists and onto the wooden floor. It'll probably never come out of there. Knowing realtors, they'll probably have the floor covered with a carpet and never mention that someone killed himself in this house...in this room.
This was our bedroom. I haven't been able to sleep in here since he left me, but it felt like a fitting place to end my life. Or, at least, that's how I see it.
Almost there, ten seconds left. I feel kind of strange, actually. So tired...
Heero? Heero, is that you, love? Please, Heero...please hold me...don't let me go...I love you, Heero.
Peace...bliss...my Heero is holding me once more, lifting me up as he used to, holding me gently in his arms. I wrap my arms around his neck, surprised to find that I am no longer tired. I am even more surprised when I find no blood on my wrists. My eyes widen as I look to the floor, and I understand now. It is over. My pain is over. My gaze flitters over to the clock, which has stopped for some reason or another...stopped at the exact moment of my death...exactly one year after my Heero was taken from the world. My arms wrap around his neck slightly, and he holds me closer before capturing my lips in a kiss that I have been waiting to receive for over a year.
Heero, I am with you again, after being seperated from you for so long.
"I love you, Heero..."
His blue eyes look so soft as he gazes upon me. "Hush now, Duo." He pauses as a light banging on the front door to the house begins, quickly rising in volume. It appears that the other former pilots and Relena are here. Heero smiles slightly before closing his eyes for a moment, and we both hear the door downstairs open, followed by some muffled gasps. "Ai shiteru, my Duo. Forever and more."
Footsteps run up the stairs to the room that we are in, the only room with any light...light coming from my Heero, at that. Quatre is the first to get to the door, quickly joined by the other three, and all four stand there in shock. I look at them, and then back at Heero, who in turn smiles at me before turning his attention to the other four and nodding.
"Don't worry. We will both be all right now."
As soon as he finished speaking, Heero and I both disappeared from the room.
Fly, fly, fly high against the sky,
So high I almost touch the sky.
Thank you, thank you,
Thank God for you, the wind beneath my wings.
Quatre, bless his soul, saw to it that I was burried with my love, with my Heero, who holds me now. The tombstone at Heero's grave was replaced with one for the both of us.
In loving memory
Heero Yuy (AC 180-202)
Duo Maxwell (AC 180-203)
May you forever have peace
And know that you are both loved and missed
"Did you ever know that you're my hero?
And everything I wish I could be
Now I can fly higher than an eagle
For you are the wind beneath my wings" -- Bette Midler, "Wind Beneath My Wings"