7-30-2002

Title: Merry-go-round
Warnings: Angst, somewhat 1+2, possible deathfic (depends on ur point of view or if i write more) lots of language...

Isn't it funny how life treats you? I think, my inner voice tinged with the advent of regret, which leads to anger, which leads to another cycle. A fucking vicious cycle, that's what it is.

Everyone's always taken one perspective on the matter; either I pine after Heero inconsolably, living out my angst-ridden life until I commit a gratuitous suicide, (I assume this is for them, well, actually, by that point I would be happy to die... If I was that far gone.) or Heero confesses his love to me, and I think he's joking. But then, I discover he's not, and I fall into his arms, telling him I love him.

Of course, what follows after must be a sex scene. Of course.

And then, it must take Heero awhile to say 'Aishiteru', because, well, he's a soldier (Oh, dearie, I meant was), and everyone knows that he had to have no emotions. But of course he loves me, because it works out that way.

I'm sitting at a desk in someone's room. I'm not actually too sure whose it is. The belongings give nothing away.

The bottle I hold beckons me, and I give in quietly, without resistance, accustomed to how it is by now. Duo must become depressed, until Heero enters the scene, and Duo is so drunk he tells Heero his feelings. Heero rejects him at first, because he's afraid, but then, he comes back and apologises. Then we live happily ever after, I thought bitterly as I slammed the glass bottle against the wall.

God, everything's gone wrong I think, eyes filling with nonexistent tears. I wanted to cry, really, but I couldn't; wasn't that always how it was supposed to be? Or was it that I cried like a baby at the mention of Heero?

In a sudden moment of enlightenment I realize that it's both ways; it's every way. So I do the easiest thing and forget how to cry.

I popped a crooked grin at the raspberry-coloured wine seeping down the wall in a sheet, practicing. Rule #1 of...how ever many there were; I'd stopped counting long ago...'Duo must always keep smiling'. Oh, yes, I'd been taught well. Master had got that point across, blood streaming down my face, both armsbroken, hanging boneless at my side. Yes... Besides, it was in the script...

This isn't right, you know, a snooty inner voice tells me, and I choose to ignore it. When did it happen that I had more voices in my head than Heero had spandex suits? Oh, look. I attempted humour. I laugh at myself, weakly, and drop my head onto the wooden surface. Thunk.

If I had a mirror, I mused quietly, I'd break it and cut myself a hundred times over, just to show everyone, finally, what I really looked like inside. This isn't right! A frantic call to my conscience, but who knew where that had gone. Somewhere far away, possibly a better place. Was it dead? Yes. Like everything else about me, everything else in this living cliche.

What happens, I think seriously, raising my head up, when there isn't enough parts of you left-? Did you disappear...Fade away...?

I think that's what's happening to me. I'm stretched so thin in a million different ways, a million different times I've been through this - does it have any meaning anymore?

I won't answer that. It's too close to the truth. Oh, God. I'm being honest with myself, shit no, not that, I'd better stop.

Goddamn it, though, I'm so fucking tired of these sugarcandy fairytale endings... I'd end them myself, except that Heero and I were never an item.

So, it's irrelevant what they think because it won't happen.

I flash back to before, thinking again, with more despair, Oh, God, no... Every way is the same; there's no difference, any way you take will lead you to the same place...

This is so fucked up. Maybe it's the fact that I'm drunk, a small voice suggests helpfully. I choose to ignore it. That can't be it.

Can it? But I refuse to believe that all this was for nothing... Doesn't everything have a seed of truth at the core? ...A rotten seed, certainly in my case, but it's still a seed...

What's my favourite colour? I think suddenly, panicking. I can't remember. I told myself I wouldn't forget, that I would remember my true self, the real Duo, packed away neatly in a small storage box in the attic of my head.

I shake my head quickly, causing my temples to pound even harder... What's my favourite flower? What's my favourite food? Sound? Pastime? I can't remember anymore. All I know is what this impostor thinks.

Yes, I love black. Black is my favourite colour because I am the God of Death. Ha ha ha. Yes, funny? I love talking and I love roses because it's normal, everyone loves them, I love the sound of laughter because... I stop. Enough lies.

I scrunch my eyes up, thinking hard, trying to remember at least one thing... My favourite flower. I think it had been either a daisy or a dandelion...

I stopped thinking about those kind of things in the pleasure house, I remember, I stopped thinking about anything. It bothers me that I can't recollect, though. My soul died there, I think, eyes large and haunted, I think it was there that I first died. And ever since...

Briefly, I mourn the character named Duo Maxwell, lost so soon. Who knows what I am now? Perhaps an automation maybe, a creature of flesh and blood yet more mechanical than anything ever built. Oh, yes, I know what others think.

How human he is! I can't believe he's lived through the war, and he's still so cheerful and happy!

They don't understand; I can't be anything else. Conditioning won't allow it, I think with a sad grin, conditioning is stronger than anything else.

'Call me Master, little whore!' I shudder.

No one knows... No one knows how far I've gone, it's too late now. Heero and I...? It's but a wistful dream, wishful thinking on both our parts. We're both scarred enough, and I don't even know who I am... Or even if I really care.

So why did I come back to the reunion? The question looms in my thoughts, loud and omnipresent. I can't understand it.

The door opens, my response time is slowed. I understand that. It is enough for me.

"Duo." Heero greets me, calmly enough, and I fake a smile, saying, "Heero! Look at the wall, /Godamn I hate-/ there's a million /people who-/ coloured fishes sailing!" /can't hold their liquor./

He accepts the greeting. He looks uncertain, though, and I think he's going to say something important. It won't be that, though, I've been over so many damn scenarios with that, and it's all the fucking same!

"Duo..." He repeats, calling me back to reality.

No, I think slowly, analysing each second in time, this can't be happening to me right now, it's fucking not going to happen. I'm not following through with this shit, I won't let it happen.

"I-I've thought a lot about my future," He said, looking at me sidelong, and I almost laugh. Goddamn, so fucking predictable. What a fucking pretty boy, we've done this a million times I think.

The laugh stops in my throat, cut off. I won't let it happen. Not again. Stagnancy is not my goal, not that I have one, yet...

"And I think that it would be better for us both if you were to live with me."

How fucking predictable I think, leaning my head back, unsurprised. This has happened forever, probably.

"Just as friends, of course. I mean, you bring so much light into my life... I thought you might help me. But, my girlfriend is going to be with me, so..."

That wasn't. That was never in the script, I think dumbly, outraged. They've gone and fucking introduced a new element on me. Something I can't act through flawlessly, something new...

I zone out for a second, and take a trip to my childhood... All I can really remember is pain. People using me... 'A smiling whore is the best whore of all! SMILE!' Fists raining down on my young body, and he wasn't satisfied.

'Keep-smiling!' He snarled, breathing heavy, pausing to admire the blood, so artistically spattered and take out some more...inventive things. Like the whip. He'd admired it so much, especially loved it when it painted me red, when it was dripping red, everything was red. 'Smile!' A bright camera flash and I bring myself back to the present, staring into Heero's eyes.

I smile.

"Why of course, Heero. I'd love to."

It begins again, or did it ever really end...? I can't tell anymore. I don't know who I am, I don't know what I'm doing here, but I do know that everything winds back on itself, and maybe, maybe one day I'll find myself standing here again, and maybe I'll have the courage to stand up and walk out, change the circle. Alter it permanently. But you can't do that, I think, eyes glazed, staring straight ahead as Heero gently navigates me to his car, you can't ever change the circle.

It's happened again, I'm with him again, please take him away, it hurts too much. I thought I lost the meaning of pain somewhere along the way, maybe, or got to know him so intimately that it didn't matter anymore, but please...

"Duo? Are you alright, Duo?"

No one will ever know the extent. Yes, this circle fucked up, but there's always room for another one. I sigh, and smile at Heero, dripping all my blood out all over his expensive car seat. He just doesn't know it yet...

He will in awhile, though, I think dreamily, he'll know. And by then, the next circle will have started and I can do this again, again and again, rehearsing happy endings and angst filled unrequited love like a kid on a fucking merry go round.

One of these days, I'm gonna get sick and fall off. But it hasn't happened yet...