1-21-2002

Title: Only When I Lose Myself 1/1
Author: Sana
Email: smj@neobee.net
Category: Heero's POV, angst, yaoi
Pairings: 1x2
Archive: fanfiction.net under Sanashi
A Jester's Mask: http://www.stormpages.com/deathangel02/fanfic.html
Endless Love: http://www.geocities.com/gw_luv/sana.html
Disclaimer: Don't own them. Never will.
Author's notes: This is the sequel to In Your Room. I promised I would write it, so here it is. Sorry for taking so long. Please review, I'd really like to know what you think about it. Enjoy! ^_^

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I rise slowly as soon as the strength returns to my body, disentangling the long golden-colored limbs from myself in the process.

I ache to return to the heat of Duo's body, but I refuse to do so. This feeling is too strange to me... Never before have I felt this way about anyone or anything, and to say it scares me is an understatement. Yes, me. The infamous Heero Yuy, who's not afraid of anything.

I stand at the edge of the bed, my eyes roaming all over that perfect body my hands explored just moments before. More than anything, I want to leave. I want to be as far from Duo, and as far from this unfamiliar feeling that I can. But my legs won't obey me. Some invisible force holds me to him, making me immobile. I dare not look into his eyes because I know that if I do that feeling will win, and I don't know what would happen then.

My face shows none of my internal struggle, for once making me thankful to Dr. J and his trainings. I somehow manage to spread the calmness so clear on my face throughout my body, breaking the spell his proximity has put over me, and turning away.

My steps are uneven as I move to the door. I feel a slight shock as I touch the cool steel of the doorknob; it's freezing under the overheated skin of my fingers, and I release it almost right away, pushing open the door. I open them just enough to squeeze my body through, closing them the second I'm out of the room.

I move straight to the kitchen, pulling out a chair and sitting on it. My elbows rest on the table, as my face finds comfort in my palms. I close my eyes. I feel I shouldn't have left. I feel like something bad is about to happen, but there is no reason to think that. I try to convince myself that I'm being unreasonable, but the damn feeling in the pit of my stomach won't listen.

Worry clouds my mind in a thick fog and for a brief moment I even consider going back and checking on Duo. But before I can decide anything, I hear the door open. My heart beats faster, but I keep my calm as I turn to face him.

My jaw drops.

I know I've seen him with the scissors, but I've never actually thought he would do it. I thought he was just...

Well, whatever I thought, I was wrong, because he stands there, only a few feet in front of me, with scissors in one hand and that impossibly long, chocolate colored braid in the other.

I simply stare. There is nothing I can possibly say right now. The silence around us is deafening and I wish he would say something. Anything.

He is not crying; there is just a look of emptiness on his beautiful face. But I am not surprised. He never cries. Well, not in front of me, at least. Quatre told me he heard Duo's muffled sobs while passing by the door of his room one morning, but of course, Duo denied it when he asked him about it later that day.

I still can't tear my eyes away from him. He looks so strange... so different. But he is still as gorgeous as he used to be. I loved his hair, enjoyed the feeling of it between my fingers, feeling it cascade around me as I took him... But I still feel the same way about him. I still...

The dreadful feeling returns as I think of what I feel for him. I still don't dare to admit it, but it becomes more obvious to me after each time I'm with him. He is not just a release, as much as I'd like to believe that. That is as much as I dare to admit right now. I still don't have the courage to name this feeling that's troubled me for a long time.

And then he moves. His feet glide slowly over the tiles on the kitchen floor, nearing me, completely oblivious to the effect his nudity has on me. His sweat-covered body is glittering in the light of the kitchen lamp, making him look even more surreal than he already did.

He passes the chair I still occupy and moves to the other side of the table, my eyes never leaving him. In one sudden, quick motion, he throws the braid on the table and glares at me. I notice that he's never been this angry before, but it's his voice that really surprises me. I've never, in all the time I knew him, heard him sound so bitter.

"You wanted to have a toy to play with, Hee-chan?" I almost wince at the amount of sarcasm in that single sentence.

"Well here's your toy! Enjoy it, because I sure as hell am not gonna sit here and let you treat me like one!"

As soon as he finishes the sentence, Duo runs out of the kitchen and up the stairs to his room. I hear him slam the door, my statement unchanged. Minutes pass, but I still sit there, my face passive like he just came in and said hello. I simply can't believe it really happened, and what's more, I don't want to believe it.

My hand moves, as if on it's own accord, over the thing that was once so precious to me. The thing I thought made Duo who he is, but I know now it isn't so. It lays on the table unmoving, still just as soft as it was before, but it's not the same.

I realize now that it's not the braid that I want, nor the body. I want Duo. I want him as a whole. I want what's inside and makes him who he is. I want all of that which makes me love- yes love- him so.

I leave the mass of hair lying all but forgotten on the table, pushing myself up and following Duo's path up the stairs.

I force myself not to run, projecting calmness I don't feel anymore. The stairs seem endless, but I finally reach the top and move to stand in front of Duo's door.

I reach for the doorknob only to realize that the door is locked. I knock gently.

"Duo?"

There is no answer. I know full well he is in there, but I also understand why he's mad at me.

"Open the door, Duo."

I manage to keep my voice flat for the most part, but even so, it sounds completely alien to me. Like someone else is speaking through my mouth.

But I don't worry about that-Duo is probably not listening to me anyway. I sigh, pressing my back against the door.

"Well, if you won't open the door, I'm going to wait here until you do."

Silence.

I sigh again and slide down the door, sitting on the floor, and pulling my knees to my chest. I lower my head onto my arms, which wrapped themselves around my legs, and continue to sit there quietly, hoping that Duo would open the door soon.

I know I look more like a scared five-year-old child than an infamous Gundam pilot that I am, but it doesn't matter. There is no one to see me, but even if there were, it wouldn't matter.

I feel completely beaten up inside and it confuses me. Why do I feel this way? Why does he mean so much to me?

A low sound, which I can't identify, stops my train of thought. I'm sure the sound came from Duo's room, which is now quiet like it was for the last ten minutes. I listen intently and after a few moments, I hear another sound quite like the other.

I place my head against the door, trying to hear what Duo's doing inside. I can hear more noises, which I now recognize as rustling of clothes. What is he doing?

"Duo?" I call out again, but he chooses to ignore me yet again.

The silence continues, undisturbed. All I hear are his feet moving quietly over the carpeted floor of his room. Judging by the sound, he's pacing around the room, and I'm starting to worry. What is he doing?

Not a moment later, I find my answer as I hear the familiar creaking of the closet, followed by a click I am barely able to hear on the other side of the door. His suitcase? He's... packing?

My eyes widen at my realization, but I know that it's the only reason he'd need a suitcase. He's leaving me.

The words ring in my head like an echo, and I can't hear anything else, other than that single sentence repeating over and over again in my mind.

I feel weak all of a sudden, as if I'm about to faint. I need a glass of water badly, and I decide to go to the kitchen and get it.

I'm already at the top of the stairs when I decide to go back to my room and get some aspirins, knowing I'll probably need some.

I move pass Duo's door, heading for my room which is just down the hall, but I never reach it. I stop glued to the floor in front of Duo's room, my eyes impossibly wide as I listen to the sobs coming from the inside. He's crying...

"Duo?" I call out to him, worry now obvious in my voice. I can't deny it anymore; I care for Duo. By convincing myself otherwise, I've only hurt the most important person in my life. How could I have let that happen?

He stops crying as soon as he hears me, once again pretending to be strong. But he doesn't realize that crying doesn't make him weak. It makes him alive. It makes him human.

"Duo, open the door! I heard you cry, Duo. Please open the door!"

"Leave me alone! Don't you think you've done enough for one night?"

"Duo..."

"Leave. Me. Alone!"

"No!"

The next second I found myself lying on the floor of Duo's room, his door beneath me. I can be very persistent sometimes.

I glance around the room, scattered clothes and a half filled suitcase confirming my suspicions. He's leaving me.

My eyes move to him and I can see him staring at me incredulously, his eyes still blurred with tears. He is sitting on the bed dressed in his favorite black jeans and a worn out T-shirt, folding his things and placing them neatly into the suitcase.

I rise to my feel, dusting myself off with one hand, still focusing my vision on him.

"You're going somewhere?" I inquire calmly, as if I haven't just broke down the door.

He blinks a couple of times before setting his glare back into place.

"I don't see what it has to do with you."

"Duo..."

"No, save it. I don't care to hear it." I move slowly as he speaks, trying to think of a way to make him understand, to apologize. "I don't care about you anymore!"

The words cut through me, scarring me more than any knife ever could. I'm next to him now, and I look down at his face, searching his eyes to see if he's telling the truth. All I can see are tears.

"Really?" I reach out a hand, wiping off the tears from his cheek. "It seems to me like you do."

For the briefest of moments, I can feel him lean into my caress, but the very next moment he slaps my hand away, glaring harder than ever.

"Trying to get another go tonight, Heero? I told you, it's not gonna happen!"

"But Duo-"

"No!"

"Would you just listen?!"

"No! I don't care what you have to say!"

"What would it hurt to just hear me out??"

"It would," he says frowning. "It could make me stay, and I don't want to. I don't know why, but for some reason I care for you a lot and during all this time, you've done nothing but hurt me. That's why I'm going to leave. If I listen to you, there's a big chance you might convince me to stay, and if that happened, I know I'd just end up getting hurt again. I don't want to be hurt anymore, Heero. If you already dislike me so much, why can't you at least let me go and let me find happiness somewhere else?"

New tears form in his eyes, some already moistening his cheeks. He closes his eyes, breathing deeply as if trying to calm himself down. When his voice comes, it is barely audible and I almost miss it.

"Do you really hate me that much, Heero?"

My mouth opens, but I can't make a sound. For the first time in my life, I feel my vision blur and my eyes become wet with tears. How could he say that?

I turn, seating myself next to him on the bed.

"How... How could you say that?"

"What?"

"All of it. I know I was... cruel, but to actually think I hate you..." I shake my head in disbelief. I couldn't have been such a bastard.

"Are you saying you don't?"

"I--Well, of course I don't hate you! How can you even ask that?!" I almost yell and this time it's my turn to glare. I know I have no right to be hurt or insulted after the way I treated him, but I still am.

I take his face in my hands, gently cupping both of his cheeks.

"Of course I don't hate you, Duo. How could I?" I whisper softly. "Who could ever hate you?"

He blinks, obviously not believing my words, but not telling me to shut up either. I take that as a good sign, and slowly lean in to brush my lips against his cheek.

I stand abruptly after I pull away, surprised by what I've just done.

"I- I can't make you stay, but I'd like you to," I close my eyes, desperately searching for words to voice my feeling with, but failing. This is so foreign to me, and I have no idea what to say.

"I know I've been a bastard," I continue slowly, "but it's not because I don't care for you. It's exactly the opposite. I'm afraid of the feelings I have for you, Duo, because I've never felt like this before. All those mean things I've said, I said them because I wanted you to get away from me, hoping that the unfamiliar feelings would go away with you."

I sigh loudly. I don't remember when was the last time I talked this much, but it has to be said. Duo has to understand. If I want him to stay, that is.

"But I know now what that feeling is, and I don't want to lose it. Just like I don't want to lose you. I- I love you, Duo," the whisper escapes my lips, and my eyes widen in time with Duo's when I realize what I've just said. I can't believe I've said it out loud.

I take another long look at Duo before walking through the gap in the wall that was once a door, and heading back downstairs to the kitchen.

I sit back into the chair I had vacated when I went after Duo and stare at the fingers of my outstretched hand. I don't dare to think of what just happened, and yet I don't want to think of what's going to happen either, so I simply sit there and listen to the clock ticking on the nearby wall. I enjoy the fact that the time is passing and that soon this day will be over, so that another one, hopefully a lot better, could start.

"Heero?"

I am so deep in thought that I don't even hear him enter. He startles me so much that I jump out of my chair, immediately turning to face him.

"Duo!"

He chuckles quietly at the look on my face.

"Sorry," he says, although there's no sign of apology in his voice. Well, how could there be? He was trying to startle me like that for years, and finally he's done it.

"I was thinking about what you said..." he says, his voice turning serious. " Do you really mean all that, Heero? Or did you just say it to make me stay?"

"Did I ever lie to you?"

"No."

"So why would I lie now? I- I know I'm not very good at expressing my feelings, but that's what I feel."

He places his hand over his forehead, gently rubbing it. He seems frustrated.

"Duo?"

"You have no idea what you're doing to me, do you? Just minutes ago I was determined never to see your face again, and now I'm madly in love with you once again!"

A grin starts spreading over his lips as he speaks and my heart feels a million tons lighter. He is giving me another chance.

"Does this mean you'll stay?" I ask, already knowing the answer.

"Well of course!" he exclaims with a wink and I can't resist any longer. I move to him, wrapping my arms tightly around his body and kissing him passionately on the lips.

After we pull away, I lose myself in those amethyst depths, but only for a moment, as I notice he's frowning.

"What's wrong?"

"Well, we made up and that's great, but then I didn't have to cut off my hair."

He runs his fingers through his hair, which is now as long as mine, as if to make his point. I almost forgot that the beautiful braid was gone; I didn't even notice it. This is the second time tonight I realize how irrelevant it really is. He's just as beautiful without it, and that's exactly what I tell him. He blushes, but I can see he still feels sorry about the hair.

"It will grow again, Duo. It is just hair, after all. I'm just glad I didn't lose you."

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Owari