Fandom: Gundam Wing
Disclaimer: I do not own 'Gundam Wing' and its characters. They are the property of Bandai, Sunrise, and their respective copyright owners.
Warnings: 2+1 Shounen-ai. Wistful angst. Some language.
Feedback: Needed and appreciated as always.
Quick author's note:
This story... Well, I'm not sure exactly where this came from. Partly, I think from trying to work through the events of the last two weeks and partly out of frustration and the need to write. Fortunately, Duo came to the rescue again. ^_-
I know I missed a couple of you who sent me feedback on 'A Simple Kind of Life.' *Hugs all of those she missed.* Really sorry about that--school has stepped up over here and I'm better some days than others.
Thank you to Chele, Jessica, and Amethyst Maiden for beta-ing this for me. And I apologize for any cross-postings.
A 'Gundam Wing' vignette
I wonder how you do it, put up with that tender, nagging voice day in and day out, the constant stream of people, and flashbulbs. The constant adoration bestowed on one girl, elevated to status of a demigoddess. She shows up at shopping malls and you'd think that Mary herself had descended from heaven to mingle with the mortals. It's really disgusting in its own way, this blind devotion. We put her on a pedestal because we need someone better than ourselves, force her into a box with no lid or corners and a large lock around it. Yes, she's the Queen of the World but she's also a human being and a very fallible one, as we both know all too well. The saddest thing of all is that she put herself in that box long before anyone else did. But then Relena was always like us in that, wasn't she? She knew her duty, her place, from day one and she never wavered in the path she set for herself.
I suppose I should respect her for that. I should respect those ideals of hers, so lofty and hopeful. I do not. I don't know what that says about me. I don't know if the war simply killed off that optimism or if I never had it to begin with. All I know is that listening to her speak, about the wonders of pacifism and the evils of fighting, makes me cringe. The way she speaks of the war, of what we fought for
Understand me, war is an ugly affair. It's blood and it's death and it's pain. Its colors are red and black with streaks of gold from fires and explosions. It's loud and it haunts the ears and eyes even after the sounds and images have long since been replaced. The body never forgets the adrenal rush, the way it was molded into a weapon. There is something lost in war, and there is something gained. Soldiers fight so that others don't have to; they fight so civilians can enjoy the fruits of peace. Soldiers die so that others might live. And that is the bottom line. We fought and we won and then we were discarded. Who needs weapons in a time of peace?
But we are not living in a peaceful time--what we are living in is the absence of war. The truth of the matter is, peace is an ideal. As long as one human being disagrees with another, there can never be peace. There will always be disharmony and it's that disharmony that pushes us forward, into new ideas and new eras. Relena is right on one point -- the physical violence is unnecessary but the blanket pacifism she seeks can never exist. It's the ideal that moves us, the ideal that makes us strive for perfection but were we to ever achieve that perfection, humanity would wither and die. What we need is conflict without bloodshed, disagreement without death. If humanity can ever reach that stage then war will end and we will still continue on, a race dynamic and moving forward. And that, dear Heero, is why I could never stay by the Peacecraft's side, guarding her, guarding that image so carefully cultivated. Because like it or not, I believe in the differences of humanity. I believe that those differences are valid. I believe in the right to disagree and to think for one's self. Relena seeks a common human race, all with the same ideas, and feelings and backgrounds. Therefore it strikes me as odd that she's fallen in love with you. Or perhaps, I should say lust?
She loves you for being rough and wild and untamed. She loves you for being everything she isn't. She loves you and now that she's captured you, she's set about taming her wild bird. Isn't it sad? We kill those things we love most, we want to change what first draws us to another person. Relena has to change you though, for her own peace of mind if nothing else. She cannot abide the taint and smell of blood, not matter if it was justifiably spent. She can never understand all those demons you carry. Indeed, she doesn't want to. The war is over and like that, you're supposed to flip a switch and be 'normal,' whatever the hell that is. Bam! The last few years of your life never happened. H-ellllllllllllo? Let's be real here. As much as I say I'd like to lose a memory or two here, the truth is, I could never let go of even one. Not even the bloodiest nightmare that shakes me in the dead of night. They're all I have, they're all that makes up Duo Maxwell. If I lose them, I lose myself. And so I carry them, sometimes comfortably, like a well-worn leather coat and at other times with all the caution of touching broken glass. They hurt, those jagged edges, but they are mine and I accept them for what they are.
Perhaps that's the difference between the two of us. I accept and you loathe. Even through your coldness, you loathe what you are and were. Because of that you flock to the Blessed Virgin Relena in hopes of some redemption at her baptismal fount of peace, hoping that those demons you fear can be banished by her pure touch. If I thought you'd listen to me, I'd tell you the truth. You can run to Relena, you can stay by her side and protect her, and perhaps even convince yourself that you love her because she is the embodiment of everything you've been taught to fight for but you'll never find your happiness with her. She can change you and you can let her, but eventually that outer shell is going to crack and then you'll both be faced with problems you're unable to deal with. Relena because she cannot understand the mindset of a soldier and you because you will find yourself resenting your icon for not healing the fracture in your soul. The only way to do that is to let go, let go and face every dark thought and deed you've ever felt. Feel them, embrace them, and then let them sink into their proper places.
Relena will never love you. Love does not require such a drastic change. It accepts and through that acceptance, it finds growth. There's a very real difference between change and growth, one that can't be explained. I know all this because I know you, Heero Yuy. I know how you think, I've know how you bleed, I know how you kill. I know I love you. Oh, I hated you at first, I'll admit to that. I hated you because I thought you were as false as Relena in your own way. It was only later, when I understood the depths of the depravity of your trainers, and the mind of their perfect killer. An innocent soldier. God, what a joke. There's no such thing as an innocent soldier. You were a child, we all were and they put a gun in our hands and told us to fight. And we did. I did because I had nothing to lose and you were never given a choice. You were a little boy made a man in a fountain of blood and death. You weren't cold by nature, even I could see that. You simply don't know how to be any other way because you do feel so very much. I think that's what scares you most of all. You seem to think that by letting one emotion slip, all the others will come and you'll never be able to cope. So you don't even try. Instead you hover around Relena as they all do, searching for some quick answer that will never come. Only you'll never see that because your mind, so literal and analytical, cannot deal with the real truth of your situation.
I hurt for you. You would scoff to hear those words and so I do not say them. I feel them though with every breath of my body, with every time your name touches my mind. I hurt and I bleed inside for you. I ache because I can't help you either. You have to want that help and so far, I think I'm the last person you would ever turn to for that kind of aid. You came to me during the Barton Rebellion because you needed a comrade, a fellow solider, not because you wanted a lover. You needed my skills, you needed someone you could depend on. I was honored for that. You could have chosen Quatre or Trowa. Instead, you came to me after a year of hiding, a year of no one, not even Relena, knowing your whereabouts. I could have kissed you for that. I would have if I hadn't feared snapping that tenuous thread of 'best friends' that binds us together. You come to me and not the others because you feel that I would not betray you. But in loving you and never saying a word, I've betrayed myself, betrayed my heart. I love you and because of that, I put you before anything else. Hilde I think Hilde understood after a while, after seeing the two of us together. She saw in my eyes all the things she longed to have said to her, directed at you. I think she was right when she called me a fool, turning down a love that was offered for one that didn't exist and maybe never would. It hurt to tell her that I didn't love her, at least not in the way she wished. It hurt even more when she started to cry and then when she turned away. I'd hurt her without meaning to and if she'd never wanted anything to do with me after that point, it would have been completely understandable. Even if it would have made working side by side in the scrap yards with her hell on Earth. For some reason, she didn't do that, even if it did take her nearly a month to smile at me again.
That aside, I'm lucky in so many ways. I'm alive with fresh air in my lungs and all of Earth and space just there for the exploring. I have friends and people who love me. And I have someone I love, stubborn cold bastard tendencies and all. It should be enough. It never is. It is human to yearn for something more, something beyond ourselves. Wars have been fought over such but not today. No, today I'm content to stand with this impatient crowd, watching with some amusement as Relena's people fuss over her, with you glowering over the affair, a fervent watchdog. I think your eyes soften just a bit as they fall on her, on her general annoyance. It should anger me or make me jealous. It doesn't though; instead, I find myself pleased, pleased by the tiny steps you're making without even realizing it. Day by day, Heero Yuy is gaining ground on the Perfect Soldier. I can only hope I'll be there to see the overthrow.
Someday, yes someday, I think we will walk together, hand in hand down this street. Maybe I'll even be blessed to hear that rough voice of yours gentle and expressing some tender emotion beyond you right now. Maybe. Maybe not. There is no set future, no plan beyond that we live. We were put in this universe to do just that. Tragedies happen, people die, and people continue. And because they continue, we can hope--I can hope for that someday that may never come save in the dark of my thoughts. Yet it is to that someday I will cling because everyone needs hope.