10-18-2000

Man, I don't go online for a couple of days and in comes all these e-mails. Mebbe it's not as much as some other people get, but it's enough for me.. Well, off to reply to those wonderful fics posted. ^^
Warning: Those easily nauseated by my bad writing refrain from reading for your own safety. Thankies!
(Full disclaimers on the bottom.)

<..thoughts..>
'talking in one's mind'
"talking aloud"

 

=========================================================
Best I Ever Had (Grey Sky Morning)
by AoD
angel.of.death@gundamwing.org
=========================================================

 

Dawn finally broke, but there weren't any bright colors to spill across the sky, nor was there any sun to peek out. Instead, a dull gray color replaced the usual, glorious sunrise. There weren't any complaining from any braided boy, since the color matched Duo's mood perfectly, as he sat quietly beside the window, alone. He was rarely up at this time, sparing the fact that he was actually being silent and reflective.

But there was a reason why he was up so early. Something--or someone--was missing. Duo had sensed in his sleep and knew right away when he woke up from his fitful slumber.

<So he's really gone...

Sure, the thought that he would leave sooner or later occured to me occasionally, but I never really paid much thought to it before..

Until it was too late.

God, it hurts. It really does hurt. Shows how much people mean to you when they leave..

But he left on his own will. And knowing that, the pain is even more excruciating.

Damn it, did I mean that little to him?!>

 

---------------------------------
So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring
---------------------------------

 

"It's too quiet here," Duo murmured to himself, before he broke into a humorless laugh. 'He' had never said much, not even in bed. Duo's lover never even mentioned anything to show that he at *cared* for Duo - in missions and in bed. Though Duo had always showed his love for him, in words and action.

Duo missed his lover's company. There was something about his presence that meant a lot.

<Face it, Maxwell, you love him.. no, you *loved* him..>

Duo managed a whisper before he laid his head against the window frame to contemplate about nothing.

"Heero."

 

---------------------------------
Nothing's quite the same now
I just say your name now
---------------------------------

 

It was two weeks after Heero's departure. No one knew where he went, not even Quatre. Duo proclaimed chasing Heero was useless anyway, and he didn't want to waste anytime. Besides, Heero wasn't a trained terrorist for nothing.

Furthermore, Duo declared that he was over him. Sure, Heero was a good lay, in fact, the best Duo had for a while, but he meant nothing to the Deathscythe pilot now. Of course, the other three, Wufei, Trowa, and Quatre, didn't believe him one bit. Even Duo knew, deep inside, though he wouldn't admit it to himself due to his pride, that he was still aching for Heero.

But it seemed that Heero didn't have mutual feelings.

And that hurted a LOT.

 

---------------------------------
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't want me back
You're just the best I ever had
---------------------------------

 

"Maxwell"

"Maxwell..."

"MAXWELL!"

Duo's head jerked up as he stared with wide, bloodshot eyes at Wufei. "What, Wu?"

"You're spilling your coffee everywhere," Wufei merely stated, indicating the brown puddle that was dripping from the table to the floor with his finger. Duo, propped on one elbow, had not been aware that when he lifted his mug to sip his coffee, it hadn't reached his mouth.

"Oh shit," Duo exclaimed, staggering to his feet, "I'll clean it up."

"No. You sit down," Wufei said, rising from his seat to get a towel. "You're probably too drowsy to even walk. I'll clean it."

"Uhh.. oh-okay." Duo plopped back onto his chair, looking at Wufei curiously. Rarely was he so nice, until after 'The Incident'. After Wufei cleaned the mess, he resumed back to his seat and eating his light breakfast of some sort of plain rice soup.

There was an uncomfortable silence for a while until Duo broke it. "H-hey, Wu-man? Thanks, but I'm not hungry anymore." Wufei nodded in acknowledgement and response and muttered about something too scrawny and weak.

"You should eat more, Maxwell."

Duo grinned and replied reassuringly, "Don't worry, man, I'm fine." With that said, Duo bounced out of the kitchen with forced cheerfulness.

Wufei didn't say anything more and kept staring straight ahead of him. "Damn it," he finally muttered. "One of my only friends I have in this life and I can't even make him feel better." He sighed, his guilt resulting in a lost of appetite.

* * * * *

Duo flopped onto his bed, his mood entirely changed. "God, the others won't just listen," he mumbled to himself. "I'm over him, see? I don't love him anymore. I don't love you, Heero. Not anymore..."

 

---------------------------------
So you stole my world
Now I'm just a phony
Remembering the girl
Leaves me down and lonely
---------------------------------

 

"Duo!"

Quatre peeked into Duo's room, and saw...

No one.

<Darn it, Duo, where are you?> Quatre thought, annoyed that he had to walk through his ENTIRE mansion. He clutched the envelope worriedly. Duo would be excited to see this letter, wouldn't he? Of course, Quatre didn't read it himself, so he didn't exactly know what it said.

<Would he be up there...?>

<No! He'll never do a thing like that! Duo's not suicidal, he's much more smarter than that...>

<..Right?>

Quatre scampered up the stairs that lead to the roof.

<Better safe than sorry.>

 

---------------------------------
Send in a letter
Make yourself feel better
---------------------------------

 

<Feel better, Yuy?>

<Y'told me to get on with my life and forget everything about 'us'. Does that mean you don't give shit about me?>

<Naw, you probably wanted to erase all the guilt you had for leaving me.>

Duo looked up to the wide expanse of twinkling stars above him, only to find that violet clouds that reflected his eyes covering them. He them closed his eyes and flung the letter he had received from Heero off the roof.

"Damn you."

Of course, there was no Heero around that Duo was talking to.

"I guess you really don't need me back, eh? Hope you're having a helluva time where you are."

 

---------------------------------
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
You don't need me back
You're just the best I ever had
---------------------------------

 

Quatre peered into Duo's room, worried for his friend. Duo had been acting strangely ever since Heero had sent that letter. <Okay, so maybe it wasn't GOOD news,> he thought as he looked at Duo's seemingly lifeless body lying on his bed.

"Hey Quatre," he said cheerfully, glancing at the Arabian pilot's way.

Quatre stepped cautiously into the room, looking at the American's pale, slim body. He was even more thinner than ever. <Damn, he's thin as a rail.. What IS he doing to himself??> "Duo? You hungry?" he asked, hoping that Duo would say yes.

"No."

Quatre winced at Duo's reply. How could he NOT be hungry?

Duo sat up and grinned, "Don't worry, Quatre, I eat and all--I'm not going anorexic or anything. I'm no girl. Just thinking..." Duo's voice trailed off, his mood and voice different to Quatre--serious and filled with pain. His smile was gone, replaced with a small frown that made him look like he was about to let a few tears slip.

"Duo?" Quatre asked, concerned about the dramatic change in Duo.

Duo looked up and grinned his usual Maxwell grin. "Huh? Uh, hey, I guess I am a little hungry--race you downstairs!!" With that said, Duo leaped off his bed and raced past Quatre before the Arab could ask anymore.

 

---------------------------------
And it may take so time to
Patch me up inside
But I can't take it so I
Run away and hide
---------------------------------

 

Duo flopped down on his usual chair at the wooden table. Though Trowa and Wufei merely raised an eyebrow at him, the fact that Duo was eating surprised them. But it was a nice surprise. Until they noticed the empty chair next to Duo--where Heero used to sit all the time. Duo just simply ignored the absence next to him. They tactfully chose to say nothing as Duo chatted cheerfully to them as if nothing ever happened. If Duo wanted to act like nothing happened, then let it be.

Duo hadn't ignored the empty chair next to him. <Damn, am I noticing everything about Heero. I didn't know that he played that important--> Duo cut off his train of thoughts and wouldn't admit that Heero had drastically changed his life... ever since he laid eyes on the Japanese pilot.

But Heero was gone now. All Duo's dreams spending the rest of his life with him were shattered.

<I guess you were right, Heero... it never did work out. And it never will.>

 

---------------------------------
And I may find in time that
You were always right
You're always right
---------------------------------

 

<I guess now that you're gone...

I'll just sit here and rot away... bored to hell with nothing to do.>

 

---------------------------------
So you sailed away
Into a grey sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring
---------------------------------

 

Duo couldn't help but wonder where his former lover left to, though. He was probably off with Relena or something. Damn him... damn him! So /what/ the hell did Heero want from him? A good lay?!

 

---------------------------------
What was it you wanted it
Could it be I'm haunted
---------------------------------

 

Days passed, and soon enough weeks had flew by too. To Duo, however, it felt like years. He was alone again, facing the miserable world by himself. He couldn't wait until each day was over, forcing his mask on so much it was bringing him to the brink of insanity. And the nights weren't better either--his tear-stained pillows were getting uncomfortable.

It was weeks until Duo resolved not to cry again, in front of anybody or in front of himself. Time began to heal his wounds... or so he thought.

<At least I don't think about him that much anymore..> It was a lie, Duo knew it, but he wouldn't admit it. That's why he moved out of the old safe house and applied--well more like hacked--to another school. Everything there was reminding him too much of Heero. He didn't want him, and Duo didn't want him back.

 

---------------------------------
But it's not so bad
You're only the best I ever had
---------------------------------

 

There. The feelings were mutual. Maybe then he could start to forget everything and start all over again. But something in his mind nagged him, screaming 'Yeah right!'

Duo frowned at the thought. These ponderings were bothering him more and more often. He was beginning to think that he was in dire need of a shrink.

Suddenly, a soft, reluctant knock on the door interuppted Duo's train of thoughts.

Duo stood up from his chair and slowly opened the door..

He stopped breathing and his heart skipped a beat.

"Heero?" he whispered, not believeing his eyes.

Heero looked away and shifted, not meeting Duo's eyes. "Uhh..." Duo felt his heart constrict and suddenly wondered who turned up the heat. Without thinking, Duo felt pure happiness over come him that Heero actually came back to him.

But pride tore the happiness down. Duo regained his sense and told himself that he didn't need Heero back. It was over--too late. Duo's eyes narrowed as he asked coldly, "Why are you here?"

"Gomen, Du-"

Duo's eyes flickered another way, breaking eye contanct. "There's no need to apologize, Heero," he replied coolly. "After all, love can't survive in this world. You said so yourself."

"Duo..." Heero began, but he was cut off again.

Duo continued on, "I was an idiot to believe that 'us' would actually work out, huh? I should've listened to you from the start. Things like our /past/ relationship would never last--with war or without. You said so yourself" Duo's colbalt blue-violet eyes flashed and flicked back at Heero, but averted once again. "Dreams I had dreamed will never last for anyone... so just go away, Heero... just go away.."

Heero looked at him with pained eyes, an expression at last. "I'm here, Duo," he whispered, misery evident in his voice.

"Look, if it makes you feel better, I admit, the sex was the best I ever had.. but--" Duo's body stiffened and his violently turned away, his back facing Heero. "Just go away, Heero! I knew when I wasn't wanted, and you're sure as hell aren't wanted here!"

 

---------------------------------
I don't want you back
You're just the best I ever had
---------------------------------

 

But the voice in his head spoke to him once again. 'Oh really? Is that what you really want? For him to leave you alone again?'

'I was always alone!' Duo retorted back in his mind.

'That's not true,' the voice said softly. 'You didn't feel alone when you were with Heero...' Duo then elected the choice to blatantly ignore the voice that was pestering him with the truth that he did not want to hear.

Heero suddenly then grabbed Duo from behind and turning him around so they would be facing each other again. "I'm not leaving. Not now and not ever," he replied firmly.

Duo's mouth twisted in a bitter smile, his chuckly barren. "You left me before," he spat. "You may very well leave me again. Heero, stop dreaming! We both created this hopeless illusion, and now we have to end it. Just... get lost!" Duo finished, his voice tainted with fierce anger. He then looked up and stared straight into the other teenager's eyes. This look, it wasn't cruel or harshly devoid of tender care and mirth. Instead, it was replaced with despair. Despair that was filled with confusement and a need to be set free. "Please Heero," he barely whispered. "This will be better for me and you--for the both of us."

Heero then released the grip. He turned away and began to walk away, not even pausing to turn around and look back. "I see, Duo. Sayanora..."

Duo slid down to the floor, not even bothering to look at Heero's back or closing the door. He just stared at the wall across of him, his blue-violet glassy orbs that were his eyes devoid of any emotion--much like Heero's. It seemed that Duo had felt no pain, until two single silver tears slid down his round cheeks.

<I guess Heero... I really did loved you...>

 

---------------------------------
The best I ever had
---------------------------------

 

<More that I ever should had...>

 

---------------------------------
The best I ever
---------------------------------

 

.::.OWARI.::.

 

UUURRRGGGHHH.. the ending was TOO hard for me to write.. When I was wrapping this up, I just totally stopped right after knocking after the door. *sobs* POOR HEERO!