*falls out of lurkerspace* oof! *picks herself up and sighs* I have the next part of The Second Restriction typed, but for some reason I wanted to post the last two parts togther, so you'll have to wait. Big sacrifice on your part, ne? I'm sure everyone was waiting in dire anticipation 9_9 Anyhoo, I was a kinda weird mood the other night, and this is what came of it. It's um, supposed to be funny ^_^;; I tried! Really! Oh well, see how you like it... It's got a long title and a lot of puns and a lot of butchering of Japanese, I think. ^_^V And it's not done, but I'm not sure if I'm ever really going to finish it, it's kind fine by itself, anyway.

 

 

A Contently Unsatisfying Oxymoronic Paradox Paradise of Humorously Unamusing Puns

Duo was sitting on a bed. It doesn't matter why. Well, actually, the why was mostly the fault of the author, who can't come up with anything more interesting than a bedroom for things to take place in. Not that a bedroom is always uninteresting. No no no, just that when there aren't two lovely young men in the bedroom, doing things that would squick the average person out, it's not a particularly exiciting place. Fortunatly, the author is not an average person. Also fortunatly, there actually were two lovely young men in the room. However, unfortunatly, they were not doing anything that would squick the average person out. Unless you find thinking squicky, which, the author is becoming more and more convinced is indeed the case. For average people that is.

So, since they were not doing anything remotely squicky, other than thinking, the bedroom ended up being one helluva boring place to be. This makes the author not happy. Not good things come from authors being not happy. So, since the author doesn't want not good things to happen (This is, after all, supposed to be Humorously Unamusing, not angst, which is Depressingly Unamusing) she's decided to change the scene.

Duo was lying streched out under an umbrella on a nude beach. It matters why. The why is mostly the fault of the author, who is a little hentai. But she just happens to think that the two aforementioned lovely young men might get a bit distracted and start doing those also aforementioned squicky-to-the-average-person kind of things. And, since, much to her irritation, the author doesn't write lemons, we can't have them doing that. So, once again, she's decided to change the scene.

Duo was lying on a streched out under an umbrella in front of a pool. But although Quatre is rich and probably owns a pool, his pool is horribly overused, so it was a public pool, with all those annoying little kids running around splashing each other and you while you're trying to sleep and not get sunburned (so you're under an umbrella) and you're already annoyed that you've changed scenes so many times already, and can't get laid (preferably at that nude beach you just left) to save your life. So you decide to ignore the kids who really aren't there, but usually are, and you expected them, so it annoys you that they aren't there as scapegoats for your annoyance, and go back to what you had been thinking about way back when, in the bedroom.

The author will stop speaking in second person now, and get on with it.

Duo was thinking about puns. Puns that will abound in this piece of literature also known as a fanfic. But not your everyday puns. Two puns in particular, or rather, punpun. Punpun, which is a Japanese word, means piquant in English. No, not a type of nut often found in pies, but something else. Something the author didn't know the meaning of. The author had been surprised she didn't know what the hell this word meant, since she generally has an extremely large vocabulary. But, never being one to not admit when she doesn't know something, she looked it up in her beloved unabridged dictionary. Piquant ended up meaning... something she forgot. Hell with it. It described Heero rather well. Except that it seemed to imply a feeling of pleasantness, which does not apply to Heero awfully well, except in times of great OOCness. But it works well enough, and, since the punpun, or rather, pun, would not be there at all if it didn't apply to Heero, and it would have to do. For you see, yaoi- Or shounen ai- Or whatever you want to call it, runs rampant in this piece-of-literature-that-would-squick-the-average-person-out, otherwise known as a fanfic. It's also one of those fanfics of the 1x2/2x1 variety, so therefore, Duo must think about Heero in pleasing ways. Unless the author were writing something angsty. Which she is not.

Back to the punpun puns. ... ... Well, not really, since there's not really much left to do with them. Heero could be described with the word punpun, but only in Duo's mind. And that was a pun. I think. But that's just the condensed version. Since that's getting boring, I'll move on to Heero's mind, so things don't stop being Humorously Unamusing and start being Depressingly Unamusing, but in a different way than angst.

Over in Heero's head, things were not a series of ones and zeros, as is generally assumed. (But never assume, it makes an ass out of u and me, HAR HAR HAR) Rather than ones and zeros, his mind ran in a series of ninmu ryokais and ninmu kanryous. Like say, if Heero wanted to move his arm, he would think. 'Mission: move arm. Ninmu ryokai.' Then he would proceed to move his arm. Then he would think, 'Ninmu kanryou.' Same for blinking, or sneezing, or anything he did. Pretty nifty, huh? Or course, for the average person, who gets squicked out about even simple thoughts, much less the complicated process of ninmu ryokai and ninmu kanryou, this whole procedure would be agonizingly slow. However, Heero, like the author, was not an average person. In fact, he was much less average than the author herself. Which is to say, that not only did he go through this process of ryokai and kanryou tens of billions of times a day, lightning fast, but thinking each action through, he was so un-squicked by the idea of two lovely young men in a room somewhere doing stuff that would squick the average person out, that he entertained notions of doing himself. This would be quite impossible for the author to do, considering her gender, therefore, she must draw the conclusion that Heero, along with every other male in the universe, must be less average than her. Unless, of course, they were squicked by that notion, which would probably be a good majority of those males, so that conclusion goes out the proverbial window.

As Heero was entertaining these notions, by telling jokes and dancing and the like, he was blissfully unaware that a small portion of his psyche was making a complete fool of itself somewhere entertaining notions. The notions liked it though. After all, a good majority of the male population never came to visit them. And since Heero was blissfully unaware (not that he does anything blissfully) It was rather hard of him to come to terms with this when it began to emerge. Lately, a third phrse had been invading that non-bliss of ninmu ryokai and ninmu kanryou. Ninmu shippai. It seemed to Heero that every time he even began to think of beginning to think of that phrase, a large, ominous sound, like a bass drum (or a piccolo) would go off, but it might just have been echos of that portion of his psyche entertaining notions again. Anyway. A perfect example of that phrse being used was going on at the public pool.

'Mission: take a drink of lemonade. Ninmu ryokai.' Naturally, several other missions had to be accomplished for this one, such as "move hand" and "move arm" but they're so nitpicky and overwhelming, the author's just going to give highlights. So anyway, Heero reached out his hand, got the glass of lemonade, put it to his lips and took a drink 'ninmu kanryou. Mission: put the lemonade back on the table. Ninmu ryokai' Thusly it happened 'ninmu kanryou.' Now don't we all feel happy for Heero? Anyway, through a series of carefully planned muscle movements, put smoothly together so as to look natural, which it was for Heero, or as close to natural as he can come, he turned his head to look at Duo. 'Hn. Shinigami, huh? Amigami is more like it'[1] Well, it seemed Heero was capable of independant thought outside of 'ninmu ryokai' and 'ninmu kanryou', but for observation only. 'I wonder why he's under an umbrella.' Heero, being of the skin type not to burn, which makes the author mad with jelousy, was not under an umbrella, and was tanning away in the hot sun. Which makes the author drool with the sort of happiness that can only come from seeing a bishounen being sexy without knowing it. 'Mission: quit thinking about Duo. Ninmu ryokai' Heero sat there a minute, looking increasingly sexy. And then thought, 'He looks really good without a shirt on.' And without the direction of a mission, Heero grinned. Which made the author's eyes roll up into her head and pass out momentarily. Perhaps, she decided, she was writing Heero too cute for her own good.

All too soon, that pass-out-inducing grin dissappeared, a piccolo sounded, the thought 'ninmu shippai' floated across a certain bishounen's mind, and that same bishounen was left about as shocked as is possible in all parts of himself except for that little bit of psyche that had dug a pogo stick and a tricycle out of a closet somewhere and was currently trying to ride both of them at once while juggling several large goldfish, aka carp, aka koi, and making several referances to puns, but not punpun puns, just puns, and bad ones at that, about koi fish and koi people, which if translated just right, is koibito, and just who he wanted that koibito to be. Oh yeah, those notions were definately entertained.

 

 

[1] Amigami=braid

Well, there you go. My first attempt at humor. ^_^;; C&C accepted, begged shamelessly for, even if you just tell me "Well, I read it, but it was really boring" You know, I can handle that. You don't write stuff like this and have thin skin. Well, actually, I'd like it better if you told me you liked it, but whatever your opinion, give it to me! ^_^ On a side not, I really need to change my sig...